Friday Fragments

Time, again, for me to attempt to gather all my sporadic thoughts for the week and share with you the crazies that are in my brain everyday! You're welcome. You wanna be a giver, too? Join in with random thoughts at Mrs.4444's place.

***Fair warning, I am certain I will be driving people crazy with talk of BlogHer, if I haven't already. You have permission to glaze over during those parts, just come back when I'm done blabbing. BlogHer is a blogger's conference taking place in July in Chicago- that I am going to- it's a big deal.

My oldest kid is 14- the last trip I took without my kids and husband? NEVER! Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked to meet all of my blogger friends and big deal bloggers, and sure, maybe learn something, but let's be real- I'M GETTING A FREAKING VACATION!!! My husband has graciously agreed that I need it and that it would be good for me. I think he was fearing he may not wake up from his slumber if he did not- and that, my friends, was a legitimate, well-thought out phobia- he made the right decision.

I've been encouraged to find a sponsor. I'm not sure exactly what that means, something about the cost of the trip being less- so here goes. I think a sponsor would kind of be like my pimp. So in essence, I'm looking for a pimp. I would pretty much plaster any company's name across my boobs and sing its praises for a cheaper trip, who wouldn't? Certainly, if any proprietor is interested, contact me, because I would whore your business all over the place! FYI- I could sell the shit out of Xanax, condoms, tampons, laptops, sex toys, kitchen utensils, jewelry, wrinkle cream, shoes and chocolate- not to mention, I am also a good customer!

*** I have been that obnoxious person forcefully coughing and trying to clear my phlegmy throat INCESSANTLY for the last two months! What gives? Does this EVER go away?

***Discovery Health Channel has a show called Amazing Families. "Amazing" is subjective. Once I saw a family of 6 that decided to pack up, sell their house and live in a motor home while traveling all over the country, aimlessly. The tight quarters is one challenge, but they had to empty the poop out of their 'house' weekly- who chooses that life with 4 relatively young children??? They were not 'amazing', in my opinion, just odd. And stupid.

Last night, however, I caught an 'amazing' one... The Taylor family, had 3 kids, and then had conjoined twin girls- they shared a heart. If that wasn't enough of a struggle, when the twins were 19 mos. old, she had ANOTHER baby- OK- so maybe they were a little odd, too-glutton for punishment types, but they were a very likeable family and really dealt with their adversities well, can't say I could do the same!

*** My 20 year high school graduation date is next year. The 10 year , I thought, was kind of lame. I didn't go, but it was at a sport's complex, with beer and brats, not my idea of a class reunion! I was also 8 months pregnant so I would have been a bloated bitch on wheels around a bunch of drunk people swimming and playing beach volleyball!

I have gone to my husband's 20th and 25th class reunions (yeah, he's a bit older than me, you mathematicians) and they were awesome! Just what I think they 'should' be- formal sit down dinners, DJ or band, and lots of booze. The school I went to has closed down, so there is no official 'planning committee'. I have made the executive decision to take this on. I hope I don't regret it! I'm 75% sure that I might , but I am a planner and a control freak and I think we should have a decent class reunion, damn it!

*** I have received blog awards lately and I want to say thank you! Because I Said So, Jen at the Daily Mish Mash, Alanna Rose, Chocolate Covered Daydreams, and all the dirty men and Mariah at Hot Dads are ones that I know- If I missed one- just let me know- thank you all- it's nice to get the pats on the back. They all have different rules, but I will choose 5 things I'm addicted to (that's the easiest)...

1.) Blogging
2.) Mc Donald's Coffee
3.) cleaning
4.) BravoReality TV (I sent McMommy an e-mail recap of Real Housewives of New York the other night and just assumed she couldn't use it in her post. What do I come across today? The e-mail I sent her-my incoherent, incomplete sentences, rant about the ladies of Manhattan...if you watch the show, go read )
5.) Twitter


***Saturday is, my baby, Beebs' 4th birthday! She is super excited! We're having the family over for dinner and cake and ice cream- about 30 peeps, per usual! I don't want her to grow up- she's been the best kid! I love all of my kids... yada, yada, yada, but I feel like I've had the time and, probably the knowledge from my others, to truly enjoy every second with her! She just came to me after jamming to HollaBack Girl by Gwen Stefani and whispered, "did you hear me sing shit- it's in the song." I know it's wrong, but she cracks me up!

And, as is my blog birthday tradition, I will reveal her real name just this once...

Happy Birthday, Genevieve Reese!

Thousand Word Thursdays

Join The Mom Jen with your Thousand Word Thursdays.

How hard is it, really? Rocket science? I think not! Please tell me I'm not the only one with this problem!

Ruining My Reputation as a Bad Ass

Truth be known, something that I rarely like to share with people for risk of tarnishing my slacker, Beta Mom, negative, narcissistic existence... I am a kiss ass cook. (I just mistyped I am a kick ass cock- that really may have sent the wrong message!)

It's an inherent skill that I received from my mom. Also a Beta Mom in her day- my sister and I were really just in the way! We were pretty poor and my mom worked a lot. My sister and I survived on cereal, canned goods (or anything that we could prepare ourselves in the microwave), and boxed chocolate frosted Hostess donuts (still a weakness of ours!)

My mom remarried when I was about 13. A man that had more money than we had ever known existed. All of a sudden, the bills were being paid. The broken hinges were being fixed. The leaky faucet stopped dripping. And we had food! Don't get me wrong, we never starved- I'm 95% sure that us being REALLY skinny was just genetics!

That's when it happened. When we discovered that my mom could cook something other than french toast and those god-awful hamburgers that she added Lipton onion soup mix to and rolled in a ball and they kept that shape and NEVER fit on a bun (imagine golf ball on a hamburger bun), meanwhile the grease was running down our stickly little arms!

She started whipping up Pot Roasts, killer turkeys with all the fixin's, hearty vegetable soups, stuffed green peppers, and beef briskets in a rich gravy. They were all good and we were all very confused! Just more evidence to prove that the bad economy is making us fat!


Little did I know, until I was married, that this is a trade that I, too, have acquired. My kids are picky as hell and don't appreciate my cooking. My husband thinks I am the best cook (he's not picky, really likes to eat and doesn't have the highest standards, for example: his favorite childhood meal was his mom's 'spaghetti' (and I use that term lightly) consisting of canned tomato soup and American cheese and his dad's "famous" potato soup: ingredients potatoes, water and milk!!!) I guess the fact that he thinks I'm a good cook doesn't speak volumes- but I really am!

I have never used a jar of spaghetti sauce- always from scratch. Spices are my best friend in the kitchen. Don't let the fact that every 3 weeks, the only thing I cook is chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, pizza and hot dogs fool you! My husband works nights every 3 weeks so it's not worth my troubles.

Lately, in the household economic crisis crunch we've been trapped in- we have not been eating out and I've been whipping out my mad culinary skills like in the olden, pre 4 kids, honeymoon phase of life. Last night a tuna tetrazini- from scratch!

I made this Creamy Chicken Wild Rice Soup for my son's birthday and it was freaking awesome! This trough was a TRIPLE BATCH, but the single batch was much simpler! And both were completely GONE!!! Not a diet soup, by the way.


I made this turkey on Thursday and then, Friday, made a turkey noodle soup with the carcass- yum carcass soup- but it was good!

So love me or hate me for it- it's a curse! And I bake!

Tuesday's Tribute

Today I tribute the people that put up with me in the blogosphere. I am a pain in the ass. Needy as can be. Everyone that reads my posts and comments just to tell me they're here or that they think I'm hot- you've made my week! If you follow me and keep coming back for more, bless your heart! I don't know how you do it sometimes! But if you do 'follow', there was a Blogger incident yesterday with 'follows', if you would like to check to see if you're still following all the people that you want to... read this- thanks Ciara for the use of your cyber brain, for the good instruction on how to check. Egos are hanging in the balance!

To bloggers that I read- I salute you for sharing your life and stories and keeping me endlessly entertained!

My Twitter friends that read my outlandish nonsensical blurbs with spelling errors galore- I salute you! How you deal with my technological ignorance is beyond me. How you allow me to butt in to your conversations without tweeting me to "mind my own damn business #painintheass!" Your patience is to be commended!

Those of you that e-mail me personally- I salute you. My e-mails and comments are substitution for chocolate these days so KEEP THEM COMING OR THINGS COULD GET UGLY!

Now everyone- go make arrangements to go to BlogHer so I can meet you all in person and I can give you your awards! Please don't expect real 'awards'- just lame symbolic shit- remember, I'm broke!

WEEK #3 KMBFAG

Ok, here we are at week 3- and, as they say, it ain't a party until someone gets hurt or something gets broken! Well, I was being dragged by the wagon I fell off of this week- it was ugly. And my ego is a little broken so I think we officially have a party!

Entire packages of cookies, those fucking Keebler Elves- they are a delicious mix of sweet and salty- and they are evil- and gone- so I should be OK from here on out!

I only went to the gym 1 time this week (and that was at the beginning of the week) before the dark cloud of el depresso settled on my fat ass. I feel very guilty about not having gone to the gym this week more- damn Catholic guilt!

PMS may certainly be a culprit- and you damn well better believe that's who I'm blaming! Since, now that my husband is cool with me going to BlogHer, I kind of have to lay off of the nagging and blaming him for the shit in my life and give him more sex- thanks Sue- but I suppose, that will burn calories- so I guess it's all good.

So, I'm going to chalk this one up to just a little stumble and get right back to it this week with a smile on my face! But in the wise words of Bell Biv Devoe "never trust a big butt and a smile!"

Drum roll....
last week - 143
this week - 144


gained 1- still a total loss of 6- I'm OK with that! Now off to the gym to do my penance.
How was your week?

Sunday Thoughts Out Loud

So, I don't do much blogging on the weekend. The weekends are reserved for yelling at my kids, schlepping them to sporting events, hiding evidence from my PMS sugar binge and maybe sprucing myself up with a fresh pair of underwear, socks, a swipe of deodorant- come hither this- mother fuckers!

You can imagine my surprise then, when I received this comment from Bedside Tales Man...

Hey there slacker!!!!


Just wanted to let you know that you have been nominated over at Hot Dads!!!!

http://hotdads.blogspot.com/

First off, I took total issue with the 'slacker' comment. It's a weekend and a girl needs sometime off from plucking, tweezing, exfoliating, and holding up the standard of being 'hot'- it's fucking draining and quite the cross to bear! Then I realized he was probably referring to my 'Friday Fragments' post still lingering around on Saturday night and not about my hygienically lazy weekend ways, my bad!

Then I wondered if they could pass the crack pipe, that's clearly circulating around the horny herd at Hot Dads. I'm pretty sure that crack makes profanity, lewdness, and obsessive compulsion hot! Why else would I have been nominated?

Then, I realized that Manic Mariah might have had her hand in the the nomination (and other places, since she's yet to receive her generous winnings from Brittany - a carnal clitoral stimulation toy shaped like a butterfly or a rabbit which is really borderline bestiality-but whatever- that could just be the jealousy talking!)

You see, Mariah nominated me for The Hot Blogger Calendar, too. She was drunk. And probably high. I failed miserably at that and decided to be happy with my skank status that I earned on Halloween.

So what constitutes a hot mama? I have no fucking clue! Hot Dads, please let me know! In the meantime, I'm honored to be nominated, even if it's by some hot drunk chick who wants to see my boobs!

Friday Fragments

I hope that next week I will get my blogging mojo back, but in the meantime, I can always find some random crap...Join in with your random crap with Mrs.4444...

*** I messed up the diet and was too depressed to work out this week. So sue my fat ass! Monday's KMBFBAG should be fun in a humiliating kind of way. You can always join in with us- don't forget- hungry, carb lusting, stomach growling miserable bitches like company!

*** A real life friend that reads my blog (one of the few chosen ones) e-mailed me to "cheer me up" in the "my life is suckier than yours" kind of way. She and her husband struggled with infertility for 7 years. Then, with some intervention, she had a daughter who now is 4. Then she had twins who just turned 1 and they were done.

She just found out she's pregnant again- with no help- just old fashioned wild rabbit sex out of boredom because they live in a small town with nothing else to do- SURPRISE! Dude, I told you to start a blog months ago- that would have taken up your time and you wouldn't have gone and gotten knocked up again! And I'm sooo holding you to your offer to send me your leftover meds- it's not about me -we just don't want this kid to have 12 toes or anything!

*** I will soon have Blogher ads- woo hoo! If I get through all the directions, I didn't read it thoroughly yet, but I think I saw something about html, codes, firstborn and vile of blood- wish me luck. If I make any money I will tell my husband that I have to go to Blogher since I'm employed by them- it's work, right?

*** In 'breakthrough' news... my husband read my blog in length yesterday, for the first time. I'm still alive. Soon, I'm going to spring Blogher onto him... So now, I need ya'll to send me a plea (for him) of who you are and how you have better things to do with your trip to Chicago than chop me up into little pieces, hustle me for all of my NO MONEY, or try to woo me into being your bitch.

***Oscar Twitter Party is on Sunday- can't wait!!! If you wanna 'attend' go sign up with Jen. It should be highly entertaining, I might even get drunk so my tripping down the red carpet will take away attention from my backfat!

*** All of my kids were winter babies. Nov. thru March is birthdaypalooza around here! One in November, then Christmas, one in January, one in February, and one in early March. I have a hard time reprogramming my brain with their new ages until our birthday season is over. So, even though my son is technically 14 and one of my daughters is 8, I still consider them 13 and 7- until I can adjust all of the ages at once. I thought of that when I looked at the out of date ages in my sidebar. They'll change in March, so you know, like you care!

*** and in fuck, fuckity, fuck news... I received this...at 2:30 Thursday...

Dear Parents,

Due to a problem with our septic system our restrooms are unable to used. Our plumber has indicated that an expert needs to be called. They will not be able to come until tomorrow at 10 a.m. Therefore, we will not have school tomorrow. The teachers will have an in-service day. At this time, our students our using the restrooms in the church until the end of the day.

I realize that this is an inconvenience for all. Please understand that we are unable to have school in this situation.

God bless you
Peace in Christ,

So a 4 day week- turns into a 3 day week! Why, again, am I paying so much money for this school?


*** 4 kids all home today and, the brainiac that I am, I waited for Friday to do my grocery shopping! That should be fun!!!

*** On a slightly positive note, we received our MUCH NEEDED tax check in the bank this morning. It won't solve any of my financial problems, but it should buy me enough time while I'm perfecting my pole dancing skills.

Cleaning up the place

I may have used up all of my cursing allowance for the week in my last post. I thought it might be appropriate to share my love of 'Unnecessary Censorship'. No matter how bad my mood- I can always count on my boyfriend (Jimmy Kimmel) to make me laugh- especially on Fridays when he does these...

ENJOY...



and Happy F****** Birthday, Tiffany!

Shout out to my peeps

Yesterday was a pretty low day. Your comments delivered some much needed comic relief to my day. So I decided to do a late version of Tuesday's Tribute- to my loyal readers- that I call friends! So here is my 'linky love' orgy...

I'm glad that I didn't completely freak anyone out with my big words (except maybe Tiffany- translation of yesterday's post- Tiffany style- I can't think of a fucking thing to write. My life is too fucking heavy right now. Putting on a fucking happy face makes me feel like a fucking fake ass bitch. I hope it fucking gets better. My fuck face husband doesn't appreciate me and I'm about to lose it on his fat ass. I try to act strong and just end up feeling like a fucking pussy and a loser. I want my life to be not so fucked up. If things get better I will kick ass and take names.)

I'm glad that my unstable, manic reputation precedes me and that no one left screaming(Jenni, Amy and Deb- I didn't freak you out too much, did I?) Jill and Soxy Deb, I'm so going beatnik and am going to look like this...
And I'm totally going to start smoking doobies again!

Paige, Kel, momcat and 'Bad Attitude Betty'- thanks for reminding me I'm not the only one with issues - oh, and Allison, I'll have you know I only looked up one word!

Em, Ronda, "Jo", Sue, Jen, Lee and Carebear- thanks for the sage advice of remedies towards sanity: flowers, Vitamin D and sunshine, a few several glasses of wine, chocolate, free stuff, Xanax, Blogher, and a hit man (oh, I added the last one for good measure.)

Mrs. Parks, Piece O'Coconut Cake and Brittney for keeping it real and reminding me what's really important in life- being skinny and pretty!

You guys are the greatest and thanks so much for coming back despite the crazed ape-shit lady!

yet untitled

I feel an obligation of writing something worth reading- something observant, witty or clever. It's been an effortful endeavor, as of late. Unfortunately, I'm not finding humor in many things- nothing worth sharing that isn't discouraging. The optimism is a cloak covering an agonizing ache of an unavailing existence. I feel a sort of transgression in merriment- a phoniness. I hope it passes. I pray for a resolution.

The daunting task of familiar everyday functions has become strife. A thankless, unacknowledged, hollow entity can only persevere so long before it cracks. It's weakening.

Bids at fortitude turn futile- feeling like failure. Ordinary is bewildering. I am determined to find a dutiful direction. I will approach it with all the fervor I can muster. Until then, I will hope.

KMBFBAG-WEEK 2

Stress and weight loss is a funny thing. First thing that comes to my mind... A few years ago, I ran into an old friend that had always been a bit on the heavy side. I remember before we met up, my husband mentioned that her husband had been cheating on her. When I saw her, I couldn't believe my eyes! She was sooo skinny and toned- she'd become obsessed with working out after finding out about her husband's affair. She told me that she just "couldn't eat with all the stress." I will always remember her saying that and WISHING that stress would do that to me. It doesn't. The ball of stress in the pit of my stomach is, somehow, comforted by shoving food down my throat!

I do think that under those circumstances, maybe you would really want to look hot just to make him feel the regret like the ass he is and wish he could have 'it'- (in my friend's case, they are back together and everything worked out the way she wanted.) Unfortunately, my husband is NOT having an affair, so I won't be able to test that theory. My stress is of other varieties, but if anyone wants to take my husband, I'd definitely be OK with that.

Valentine's Day lived up to my expectations- it sucked ass- we argued a lot and I didn't even get the anticipated left over box of chocolates. Which, at least, meant my only temptation were the Dove Chocolates that I bought for my kids (which I am proud to announce I only ate 2 and they were dark chocolate which is loaded with antioxidants- so it was practically like eating 2 tomatoes- QUITE the accomplishment!)

I made my husband's favorite dinner, homemade beef stroganoff (because I'm too fucking nice- that's why)

Guess which plate is mine?

Sunday, getting ready for church, I really didn't think that the pants that I could NOT button the week before were going to be an option, but I tried- and, though they were snug- they fit! So regardless of what the scale reads, that's a victory to me!

I went to the gym 4 times this week (the only day I didn't, was when I was sick), ate smaller portions of foods, NO TREATS (which is totally killing me, by the way) and did a DVD workout on Saturday in my Valentine's rage. It is a great workout that I've used for years (Debbie Sieber's Slim in Six that I paid a small fortune for during a weak insomniac night off of an informercial). I am still sore from that workout and think I might try to start incorporating it into everyday- I really like the way that it kills me- no pain -no gain, right?

Last week 147lbs----------- This week...

143lbs!
4 more lbs lost
total of 7 lbs
Yay me!

This next week's goal- to get into Red Carpet shape by Sunday for my correspondent duties (it's only online- so I don't even have to wear pants, actually, but I can pretend). Join us for the Oscar Twitter Party- Jen from Daily Mish Mash's marvelous brainchild of tweeting the Oscar Red Carpet.

How was your week? It's never too late to join in- if you want to keep track of your progress with us and get some cheerleading along the way...

Friday Fragments

Yesterday was a really shitty day- I take that back- it's been a pretty shitty week- as evidenced by my lame and inebriated attempts at posting.

This is precisely what my head looked like this week! Get one of your own from Wordle- they're pretty cool. It's an artistic rendering of the words on your blog. Notice (I know it's really small, but take my word...)that the 'NyQuil' is very big on the left side and the word 'accountability' is very teeny on the bottom- yep, I think that's about right!

So I will attempt to purge out all of my anxieties in a nice little package Mrs.4444 likes to call Friday Fragments...

*** I have never had a desire to be a teacher- I just know I don't have it in me- the patience, the understanding, the accountability (there's that damn word again!)- and what not- but yesterday's quiz has reaffirmed that! Ya'll didn't do so hot- and I feel like the failure! Have I taught you people nothing? If you haven't taken it yet... skip to the next- I'm giving a cheat sheet...the answers: Random and honest, Murphy, c*** rhymes with blunt, I'm not good with rules and don't enter contests, Hillary Clinton, Christmas, a gay husband, housekeeping, Nell Carter and Sarcastic Mom.

*** NyQuilapalooza has ended, at least for me. My 14 yr. old son now has the same thing I had and has been 'sleeping it off', with the help of the good stuff (not really, the good stuff is gone, I went and bought the generic for him, which I'm sure is just fine at half the price.)

*** I have been really anxious this week- I guess a diet of caffeine, acetaminophen, and dextromethorphan might do that to you. I have drafted about 14 posts- each with one sentence- before I realized it was crap and moved on. Usually to the loving open arms of Twitter- that's where I go when anxiety and tremors get too much and my attention span isn't long enough to complete a full sentence. I'm feeling a case of Joaquin Phoenix coming on...

*** I thought my dog was house-trained, but he has recently decided that the 'go to' place to take a shit is my bedroom! So as soon as I hear him running up the steps, I run after him screaming, "NO MURPHY- OUTSIDE!!!" I have been catching him in mid bowel and am able to get him outside- before it drops- so. fucking.gross!

*** Deb at Dirty Socks and Pizza is doing First Post Friday today- such a great idea! When I go to a blog I always try to go back and find that person's first post. Many are very good- mine was kind of a pathetic overview of who I was and what I planned to do. It takes me a while to get warmed up.

*** I need a job ASAP! Preferably one with benefits, great hours, and a Blackberry. Or maybe just one that pays. Anyone?

*** I don't like Valentine's day. If you like Valentines Day, just skip this- it is an anti-Valentine rant... My husband doesn't have a romantic bone in his body (nope, not even that one!) and, frankly, I don't have the energy for that bullshit right now. I will accept the annual half eaten box of his favorite chocolates that he will give me, knowing full well that I am on a diet. Then I will complain about how he doesn't know me, doesn't care to know what I like and ask when was the last time he did something for me? Then I will listen to how he "works so hard and brings home a paycheck" and what the hell do I do, except sit at the computer all day talking to my 'pretend friends' ... yeah, merry fucking valentines, cupid!

*** Speaking of Valentine's Day, have you ever known anyone that said Valentimes -over the age of 8? I do, and I swear, it's like nails down a chalkboard, she's 38 and also says supposebly and irregardless, clearly not the brightest crayon in the box! I'm related to her by marriage and that's all I'm saying!


*** I would like to go to Blogher. I don't even have Blogher ads, but I think it would be a kick ass time, but I would sooo have to lie to my husband about where I was going- he would definitely not be cool with meeting a bunch of my 'pretend friends' from the computer- he'd use words like 'pedophile', 'lesbian lover', 'predator', and 'body bag'- so, my question to you... whoever is going- how do you explain this weird phenomenon that is blogging to someone that doesn't get it so they would be OK with a weekend trip?

*** I have been asked to 'review' one product on my blog. They were glasses, WTF? I don't get it? I mean I really don't get it. Tiff and Soxy Deb have been busy 'reviewing products'- you know- the kind of products you 'review' when your husband is working late or sleeping on the couch and you just watched The Notebook. How do I get that gig?

*** I am going to have a Valentine's weekend filled with 'reviewing products' and will see you all for weigh-in on Monday! Hopefully the Dove's chocolates I bought for myself my kids won't show up on the scale! Shhh.

Time for a Quiz

I saw this at Sue's place and thought it was so cool.
(And I have no idea why there is that big space here, but the quiz still works!)

Also- even though I entered it correctly- after I took the quiz- I realized one of the answers that they have is wrong- can't anything be easy??? Geez!!!

How well do you know me? 1) The phrase that most closely fits me is... "Suzy Homemaker" Random and honest Adoring wife Optimist

Powered By: QUIZYOURFRIENDS.com Make A Quiz - Take This Quiz - View Scoreboard

Feeling no pain, still.

I'm still loopy and juiced up on the prodigious potion otherwise known as NyQuil. It's a much better feeling than the fire in my lungs after trying to clear my sand papery phlegmy throat- and an added bonus- I sound pretty damn sexy- like Kathleen Turner circa Body Heat (for you youngins out there- she was a sensual seductress prior to her female to male transition.)

I thought I'd whip out a post before I'm comatose from my most recent swig (which in my estimation, I have about 20 minutes left.)

During my morning rounds (that's what I call when I bless everyone with my witty repartee in comments after reading all of my favorite blogs)- a few things dawned on me...

First, I'm not all that witty, after all. Which reminds me... back in the day when I used to smoke pot. I thought I was sooo fucking funny under the influence of Marijuana! I seriously used to tell my friends that I should do an improv night, but ONLY if I was high. And I guess the whole audience would have to be high, too.

And second, I should have a breathalyzer at my keyboard! If the regret of last night's post and an e-mail to a fellow school parent that discernibly displayed the fact that I was 1.)drunk and/or 2.)illiterate (either way- scoring MAJOR mom points) wasn't enough to get me to STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD- the universe has stepped in... in the form of comment moderation...


1.) locas- as in 'crazies' - oh yeah, I may be drunk, but my 7 years of Spanish doesn't fail me. You read that right, I took 7 years of Spanish and don't speak a lick of it, loca does mean crazy, right? Even the comment moderator little dude in the computer knows that I'm not right in the head!

2.) focusn- as in I'm having a hard time 'focusn' on the computer screen and I feel a little dizzy. And the fact that I keep using a different sized font isn't helping- it's like a self-induced vertigo- or is it just me?

3.) ignrhgn- as in 'ignoring hygiene', which I totally am because I'm sick and have every right!

Finally, I've learned that learned that it's really hard to type when you're doped up on NyQuil- so excuse my spelling errors. Now I must rest.

update: I've kept that error there to give you full effect- I had no idea it was there until I woke up to go pick up my kids from school (in less of a haze and making a stop at the pharmacy!)- yes, I'm behind the wheel of a car- so watch out!

Drunk and late

My Dear NyQuil,

The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, and fever medicine, so you can get a good night's sleep... thank you, but you sell yourself short- you're so much more than that!

First, you're not just for nighttime, let's be honest, I've been wasted on your multi-symptom relief cherry flavor since this afternoon! Your advertisers failed to mention that, in addition to not feeling my scruffy raw sore throat that I would also not feel my toes. I have forgotten I have a fever and that I had kids, for that matter! I am floating on a big sloshed Vick's puffy cloud!

The same active ingredient found in Meth- can be bought over the counter for about $6- I thank you and your marketing geniuses! I was able to do my taxes with a smile on my face (they will probably be rejected by the IRS, since I was inebriated and all, but nonetheless they're done and I didn't kill anyone.) Anyway, I'm sure that there are plenty of alcoholic accountants out there that do that shit all the time, right?

I am so smitten with your ability to disguise my being three sheets to the wind with 'being sick'. I don't even care that it's almost Wednesday as I'm writing this Tuesday's Tribute.

I only have one question- are you high in calories? There's no nutritional values on your label and I was just wondering? Cuz you see, I'm on this diet and they say you should feed a cold and starve a fever, but I have a cold and a fever- so, as you can see, I'm really in a quandary here! I am also really hungry and really drunk.

I honestly wrote this after a day's worth of swigging NyQuil and that last sentence I swear I typed 'westion' instead of question 8 times!!!

Earlier, under the influence, I thought I was all invincible and shit and sadly there was no one here to take the keyboard away from me and say 'no you cannot drive that fucking email, dude'... so I sent it to a 4th grade mom who e-mailed me earlier and asked if she could bring in the ice cream for the kids' Mardi Gras party- she just sent me a response of thanks and that's when I saw what I sent her...

no one has none brought in ice cream yet yeah- you can have i I ll mark you
downt!
for it.
thanksd.,
Tans

I'm soo showing her my boobs at that 4th grade Mardi Gras party! What do I have to lose? I mean, what does Tans have to lose? That fucking lush! Hopefully in the morning I wil be back to normal, well, the NyQuil would have worn off anyway.

Week 1- KMFBA

I interrupt this blog post for shameless self promotion... I am featured at Annie's of Cookies, Chaos, and Conversations today so go check it out!!! Back to the fat downer stuff....As you were...

So, today's the big day. The day I come clean. The day I take responsibility for all of that emotional eating because I can't afford a new wardrobe.

I hope anyone else that wants to get healthy or lose weight will join me in this journey and document their progress, as well... just grab the code on the sidebar and sign in with the Mr. Linky below. Please send encouraging comments to each participant you see!





Week 1
I started last Monday when even my comfortable fleece jammie pants were becoming snug and I stepped on the scale and was devastated to see the unpleasant number staring back at me through the cracked plexi-glass in my grimy antiquated Sunbeam scale, that, unfortunately, still works!!!

I have been neglecting myself in more ways than one, as you can see by the chipped, unkempt toes and the depleted, dry winter skin around my ankles. But this, my friends, is an experiment in accountability -and the truth, much like my unpedicured Flintstone feet, ain't pretty!

Truth be told, I've never been much of a 'numbers' gal when it came to weight. The number on the scale never means much to me as long as the buttons don't pop off!

Well, the buttons started flying across the room and poking people in the eye. I couldn't find a button-down shirt to cover my huge fatty boobs without the threads hanging on for dear life making every shirt a peek-a-boo show into the annals of my distended abdomen branded by 4 embryos' growth. I began to understand the physics behind 'the plumbers' crack' and thought about applying for a trade school after perfecting the wiggle and shift to pull up my pants- 30 times a day!

Depressing? You bet your ass it is. So much so, that I grabbed for another handful of chocolate covered pretzels! The vicious cycle reared its ugly head again.

As soon as the euphoria caused by beautifully silky dark chocolate started wearing off, I could feel the fat. I was becoming winded and uncomfortable in my stretched and dehydrated skin. I became curious... I decided to get concrete confirmation of the predicament that my sweet tooth, boredom, and stress had landed me in. Cue the dingy scale...

150 lbs. on the nose!

To give you an understanding of where I am, I am 5'4" and have a small frame. No matter how heavy I get, I will always have skinny chicken legs and a freakishly small head, it runs in the family. So most of those L B's are carried in my torso, much like a Sumo wrestler.

I weighed no more than 138 lbs. moments before popping each write-off out of my loins. I had gestational diabetes with each pregnancy and was on insulin and under extreme diet restrictions. As soon as the placenta came out, I made a mad dash for the buffet! I also nursed #2,3,and 4. Nursing made me ravenous. I couldn't get enough to eat and will admit to licking crumbs and hot fudge off of nursing babys' heads on more than one occasion. If nursing did, indeed, 'shrink and contract' (cough*bullshit*cough) my uterus back to normal size, it kept the shrinking a secret from the rest of my body. 150lbs is the heaviest I have been. After 13 months of being an engorged leche geyser that insatiably gorged on all things digestible, I weighed the same as I weigh now- 3 years later!

So, it's been a week. The first step is always the hardest, right? I went to the gym 3 times and have been trying to make better food choices. I resisted fresh hot chocolate chip cookies (that my amazingly supportive husband baked!) and dove into a bowl of Whole Grain Cheerios instead and consider that a victory. Cheerios are surprisingly delicious and satisfying when you're going through pastry withdrawals. I'm taking it slow because I don't want to run out of steam and fall off the wagon. I'm drinking a lot of water and hoping that I will resist further temptation because I'm too busy emptying my bladder.

So without further ado...

Drum roll, please...

147 lbs- 3 lbs lost! woo-hoo! (Oh yeah, and I moisturized and re-painted the pigs!)

I still had to wear my old lady fat pants to church this morning and I could feel my roly poly back fat on display for the people seated in the pew behind me. I still have a way to go, but this step on the scale is a step in the right direction...

How are you doing???

Friday Fragments

Watch out for the random thoughts flying... Friday Fragments is back with a vengence! I'm kicking fat asses and taking names... Join in with Mrs. 4444 at Half Past Kissing Time.

***Monday is the kickoff of...

Plan ahead- there will be a Mr.Linky to link all participating posts together. The only rules: be honest, get healthy and bring us along for the ride.

*** I use 'comment moderation'. I know people hate it. My computer is a magnet for scum sucking viruses. That being said, the way I check my comments is by mannually going in and scrolling down them. If you leave a comment on an old post- shoot me an e-mail- hey dumb-ass, I left you a comment- otherwise I will never find it.

*** I changed my 'blogroll' ------->>>> If I missed you, let me know, hey dumb-ass, you missed me!

*** Do you Twitter? Twitter is a social networking site. The way I understand it, it's mostly people with blogs or a product to sell. It took me a long time to catch on to it, but know I ramble far too much on it. You have 140 characters to say "what you're doing" (very Facebook-esque- AGAIN, another reason why Facebook wishes it were a blog!)... I don't like doing it on Facebook. I think it's so dorky when I go to someone's profile and it says

Sarah is cooking dinner.
Michael is cold.
Becky is putting her kids to bed.

YAWN! Becky is putting ME to bed!

People with blogs have a much better sense of humor. Twitter is much more entertaining.

***To the woman in the waiting room during my son's orthodontist visit... I only wanted the receptionist to give me a receipt of the thousands of dollars that I spent there in 2008 so I could do my taxes.

That was not an invitation to tell me how much it sucks that you "are never able to deduct your medical on your taxes because it never ends up being enough." You know what- we pay $640 a month for insurance- so yeah, I make it, I can deduct it, and I don't feel sorry for you... wanna know why?

Because you go on to tell me how you paid off your house and painted your house key red and boxed it as a gift to your husband for Christmas (that's so sweet I think I just threw up in my mouth!) Wow, I'm really aching that you don't get an extra $200 on your tax return after putting out over $8000 a year for medical expenses, like I do!!!

As if, I didn't feel bad enough, you went on to tell me that you had 2 kids in college and pay cash- you really emphasized that you pay cash- good for you! My kids will be lucky to get grants to go to community college at this pace, but so. happy. for. you.

I thought I had escaped your bragging about your finances, little did I know, you made your last payment on your son's braces to the cashier on the way out! The receptionists threw confetti at your beady little head and a little mariachi band came out and played you a congratulatory song- OH AREN'T YOU THE JOLLY GOOD FELLOW! (The confetti and band really only happened in my head.)

For your information, we have 4 kids, one income and BUTTLOADS (that's the exact amount) of debt! So next time, while gloating about your good fortune, remember you might just be telling someone that's poor, totally jealous of you and completely unstable- watch your back, sister!

How Facebook wishes it was a Blog

I blog, therefore I am. This pretty much sums me up lately. I know I fell off the wagon during the holidays, but I'm back, baby, and as addicted as ever (keeps my mind off of eating!)

Speaking of which- check out the radical button that Jen made to commemorate our big butts getting smaller- first post coming Monday- if you're playing along- post it on your blog, won't you?

Back to my point, blogging and things related to blogging have become my life. I love the social networking and the creative outlet (screw off -it's subjective) it has given me. Unfortunately, it's a colossal waste of time that doesn't make money (I had a boyfriend like that once, too!)

For anyone that's fairly new to this place, I keep my blogging 'confidential'. I used to call it my 'dirty little secret'. I ventured in to this all by myself on a whim and never told anyone I knew that I did it. It stayed that way for a while until I got all cocky and started running off at the mouth.

I told a couple of friends and mentioned it to my mom and husband. I think my mom might have looked at it once and ran away screaming and never returned. My husband (if he can, indeed, read- verdict's still out) has no interest in what I write. He's too busy beating the punching bag downstairs in preparation of his male to Rocky transition.

I have a few friends that mention reading it on occasion, which totally freaks me out, but then again, they probably have bigger dirt on me than what they could read on here- so big deal!

True story: one of my friends told one of her friends about my blog and that girl (who I know- kinda) requested my Facebook friendship and wrote "(insert my friend's name) told me about you blog, she reads it all the time, me? Not so much." That was quite the vote of confidence and just the kick in the ass I needed to remind me why I keep these two lives separate.

Many bloggers just write cutesy little things about their kids and their life, but I use it as a diary. If it's on my mind, it's in my blog, within reason. Imagine running into people that you know at your kids' soccer practice or PTA meetings or Target and they say, Hey, I read how you exposed your rack online (guess which one is me, I dare ya!). Or I hear you're looking to score Xanax . Or Beebs is getting so big and I hear she says Fuck it now. Yeah, that's pretty much why I keep this separate from my real life.

Which is why Facebook is causing me a little anxiety right now. My two lives are, once again, infiltrating each other. My bloggy friends are now on my Facebook page with people I know in real life. Last week, it didn't mean much because these were mostly people I haven't spoken to in 20 years, but NOW my little sister is on there. She's knows most of the people that have been in my life, but I am 7 years older than her and am a little smarter sneakier and I'm hoping to pull the wool over her eyes. She's already asked me about a few names that she's never heard of- oh, I worked with her. So today she's wondering who McMommy, Stethoscopes Stilettos, and Halftime Lessons are... so if anyone asks - we go way back- you're friends from college- and you have weird names.

Honestly, when I set out to write this- this next point was what I was trying to get at and now I have alienated everyone with my babble- come back- come back!

In regards to Facebook, I feel kind of like the cool kid at school that was in on a trend a LOOONNNGG time before everyone else caught on. I'm constantly getting 'tagged' with 25 random things about me. (Hey try 100 things, bitches!)

Today I got the one word 'tag'- we call them memes, but that was sooo 6 months ago (as I stick my nose up in the air!)

So, as much as I enjoy being a total voyeur weirdo and looking into people that I went to high school with's lives through Facebook and hoping they got fat see how they're doing, I am becoming a Facebook snob. And don't even get me started on 'flair'!

Yo! I need help!

The husband's home from work today and the next three days-OH JOY! If you are newish here, you may not know that that statement comes from a deep dark sarcastic place.

The mid-life crisis that I have diagnosed him with apparently includes, but is not limited to, watching the movie Rocky Every. Waking. Hour. His favorite is the original, but he does not discriminate and has the whole series, but is becoming particular to the finale Rocky Balboa- which I got him on Blu-ray for Christmas (little did I know I was feeding his disease!)

When he does come out of hiding from his alter ego in Philly (only to raid the kitchen)- his only words are quotes from the movie! Said in his best (which is awful)Sly impression! I can't tell you how many times I've been called "Yo Adrian" in the last few months! Or how many times he says to me and the kids "You're a Bum!" Or how many times he has come down and said "did you get the license numba?" in his dumb guy dialect ... the first time he said it- we all fell for it-"what license number?"... which, in turn made him giddy, almost orgasmic, that he could respond, "the license numba of the truck that ran ova ya face!" HAHA? Funny the first time, fine! Not so the 2nd, 3rd, or 24th!!! His English speaking skills are disintegrating, "Yeah, that don't matter. 'Cause I was nobody before"

He calls our 7lb Shih- Tzu/Bichon mix dog, Murphy, Butkus (Rocky's 100lb English Bulldog!)

These movies never did anything for me and either does his lame ass romantic gesture... "I think we make a real sharp couple of coconuts - I'm dumb, you're shy, whaddaya think, huh?" Say that to me again and I'm going to pull Clubber Lang on your ass (for those that don't speak fluent "Rocky"- that's Mr.T's character that beat Rocky in their first match).

Beebs came down the steps this morning- humming da-da-daaaa-da-da-daaaa-da-da-da-da-da- (theme to Rocky) while waving her fists in the air- I think it's safe to say it's time for an intervention.

Putting you to work

Few random things I have to get off my chest...

***Operation accountability is on. As you learned yesterday, my ass has gotten fat. I learned that I am not alone! I know that having support, accountability, and people to cheer you on or shame you for eating that box of Girl Scout cookies helps you reach your goals (and that Thin Mints are so damn good and I NEVER get full from them!) So, I have decided to start a weekly progress report and encourage anyone and everyone to join in!

I know it can be hard and not everyone can be lucky enough to lose their appetite after cleaning dog shit off of the carpet like me last night! So each Monday, write a post about how your week went. Did you eat well? Did you exercise? Did you fall off the wagon? Did you lose any weight? If you have the balls, post pictures- now that might get your ass moving! Think of it... it could be nearly as demoralizing as standing on a scale in front of everyone and God at a Weight Watcher's meeting!

Share your goals- big or small. Do you just want to drink more water or lose 50lbs? Fit into a bikini for an upcoming vacation or just be able to reclaim your wardrobe because contrary to Stacy and Clinton- I don't want to dress the body I have!

So since I'm not technically inclined or all that clever- I could use some help with details... some name ideas...The Bloggiest Loser, See Ya Later Cellulite, Portly No More, Caution: Dieting Bloggers Ahead , Kiss My Fat Blog Ass (Tyra- inspired), Step Away From the Cookie Jar- Your Ass Will Thank You...

WHOA, holy hell...for the love of God- whatever you do- DON'T google "fat ass" while brainstorming for ideas- it will scar your corneas (it may, however, diminsh your appetite, on the bright side)

***On a serious note, there are a lot of great causes out there today. At the risk of sounding repetitous and butchering these very serious issues, I will just send you to the respective sites. Jay is taking it all off for Cancer and Lee and Em are arranging a tribute for a fellow blogger that has suffered a devastating loss. Also, Cynthia had been documenting her pregnancy on her blog, and lost her baby yesterday. Please go visit them and support them to the best of your ability...

Party's over- I'm on a diet!

The name of the game today is accountability. I'm taking responsibility for something has gotten utterly out of control, in an effort to make ammends and change my ways. It's official, I am a fat ass. Before this morning, I hadn't been to the gym in 2 months. I have been gluttonous and unapologetic in my eating and, I'm not going to lie, it was fun while it lasted.

So much fun in fact, that I ignored that my previously 'fat' jeans have become my 'skinny' jeans, my previously 'skinny' jeans have become a denim version of leg warmers that only go so far as my knees and have begun mocking me from the dusty part of the closet that never sees the light of day, and my elastic banded pants have become my evil accomplices and enablers.

If the standard donuts, ice cream and french fries screaming my name weren't enough enticement, certainly that chocolate chip cheesecake ball that my 100lb bitch sister set in front of my face yesterday, didn't stand a chance! I also learned that the bad economy makes you fat and obesity may spread like the common cold, buying my disorder some more time and bargaining power. Suffice it to say, I devoured that cheesecake ball, that we understandably deem, "the crack ball", like an addict on their last binge. Today was the day.

I'm done feeling the guilt of watching The Half Ton Man documentary while licking the chocolate frosting off of a paper plate and then, in all my paranoid glory, looking around the empty room and out the windows to make sure no one saw that. I'm done bad mouthing thin people just because I am totally jealous, lazy and have the will power of Charlie Sheen at the Playboy Mansion.

My long overdue trip to the gym today, followed by my incessant gulping of water and consequent trips to the bathroom are all laced with good intentions of fitting back into my clothes and being able to show more than just my forehead and eyes in a picture.