Monday, February 9, 2009

Drunk and late

My Dear NyQuil,

The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, and fever medicine, so you can get a good night's sleep... thank you, but you sell yourself short- you're so much more than that!

First, you're not just for nighttime, let's be honest, I've been wasted on your multi-symptom relief cherry flavor since this afternoon! Your advertisers failed to mention that, in addition to not feeling my scruffy raw sore throat that I would also not feel my toes. I have forgotten I have a fever and that I had kids, for that matter! I am floating on a big sloshed Vick's puffy cloud!

The same active ingredient found in Meth- can be bought over the counter for about $6- I thank you and your marketing geniuses! I was able to do my taxes with a smile on my face (they will probably be rejected by the IRS, since I was inebriated and all, but nonetheless they're done and I didn't kill anyone.) Anyway, I'm sure that there are plenty of alcoholic accountants out there that do that shit all the time, right?

I am so smitten with your ability to disguise my being three sheets to the wind with 'being sick'. I don't even care that it's almost Wednesday as I'm writing this Tuesday's Tribute.

I only have one question- are you high in calories? There's no nutritional values on your label and I was just wondering? Cuz you see, I'm on this diet and they say you should feed a cold and starve a fever, but I have a cold and a fever- so, as you can see, I'm really in a quandary here! I am also really hungry and really drunk.

I honestly wrote this after a day's worth of swigging NyQuil and that last sentence I swear I typed 'westion' instead of question 8 times!!!

Earlier, under the influence, I thought I was all invincible and shit and sadly there was no one here to take the keyboard away from me and say 'no you cannot drive that fucking email, dude'... so I sent it to a 4th grade mom who e-mailed me earlier and asked if she could bring in the ice cream for the kids' Mardi Gras party- she just sent me a response of thanks and that's when I saw what I sent her...

no one has none brought in ice cream yet yeah- you can have i I ll mark you
downt!
for it.
thanksd.,
Tans
I'm soo showing her my boobs at that 4th grade Mardi Gras party! What do I have to lose? I mean, what does Tans have to lose? That fucking lush! Hopefully in the morning I wil be back to normal, well, the NyQuil would have worn off anyway.


post signature


20 comments:

Scope said...

Drinking and emailing.
Drinking and blogging.
Drinking and Facebooking.

All worse than drinking and dialing. There's a permanent record.

Unless you leave a voice mail. Then that's WAAAAAY worse.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

rolling....laughing and rolling...

Travis Erwin said...

i too am a fan of the magical green elixir. i blogged about it myself a while back.

Twisted Lisa said...

Surely medicine doesn't count on a diet...it's like negative calories...right?

Mommynightowl said...

I loved your letter and I too love NyQuil

Threeboys1mommy said...

Awe Ten I'm sorry your sick but I'm going to tell you the same thing I told dry boring Aaron when he showed up drunk to a football games- "Dude, you should drink ALL.THE.TIME!!"

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

Ohhh, I love NyQuil. I chase it with my martini ;=)

This post made me laugh. Thanks!!

Steady On
Reggie Girl

Under the Influence said...

I'm off to do a shot right now...

Deb said...

oh girl.

now listen, do you have to have the liquid stuff or can you get the same buzz off the capsules. not that i am interested or anything...

i would say i hope you are feeling better, but you seem to be feeling just fine. so i'll say, i hope your symptoms have subsided. how's that?

Soxy Deb said...

Shit I drunk dial, drunk email every weekend. I just figure it doesn't count since I don't remember it. Never mind that Tiffany does.

because I said so said...

holy drunkbitch Tans, that's some funny shit..

still giggling

Dorsey said...

Isn't medicine haze fabulous!!

Susan said...

I don't comment often but oh my, I'm laughing my behind off (wish that was literally) at work. I love the email. Can't wait for you to see her at party ;) And I agree, NyQuil is a good thing.

Annie said...

Chug a lug, you lush.

Tony said...

Friends don't let friends Blog drunk. Please give me your key board. we must find out what your BNL( Blood NyQuil level). I think the Blogger limit is 1.2 -- LOL

Eudea-Mamia said...

That e-mail! Oh honey, you're even better for the soul than a case of NyQuil-induced giggles.

I double dawg dare you to get your beads the old fashioned way!

Mariah said...

Oh fuck- I've sent drunken emails too. Hopefully dhowing her boobs will help her forget.

Allison said...

ugh. i remember when i was a youngin' and took NyQuil for the first time. The meth-like feeling prompted me to drink more. A LOT more. I threw up NyQuil for like two days.

Deb said...

Oh boy. If you show her your boobs, you must blog about it. With pictures.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

Tans loves her some happy happy Nyquil!

That was pretty funny!