Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I need drugs

So, I have had some time to ponder Beebs' potty mouth. It made me think about the power of the word. She most likely got it from me, but my husband has also talks like a sailor, so it was really only a matter of time, I suppose.

However, she said, "Fuck it!"- as she threw her hands in the air in a nonchalant, carefree way. Nonchalant and carefree is NOT the way I've been using the word. I've been using it as an adjective for emphasis (fucking husband, fucking dog, fucking bills). Although her use of the word was correct (if there is a 'correct usage' for a 3 year old to use the word 'fuck'-which there probably isn't, so I'm setting a precedent here)- she found that context all on her own! We are not a carefree type here. We are uptight, all wound up, and high strung. I hate it, but that's who we are. Many comments from my last few posts mentioned 'how hard I am on myself'. I sure am and I don't like it.

I could be in a store and see a child throwing a fit and the mother would be cool as a cucumber and just deal with it. I would not. First, my kids know what a basket case I am and usually know my breaking point so it probably wouldn't escalate to a tantrum in a public place. Nonetheless, it's that high expectation I have of myself, my home, my kids, my life.

I struggle with my weight. Who doesn't? When I see people that are overweight and seemingly happy, I wonder what they have that I don't in their internal makeup that makes them OK with it. I'm missing that part- the screw's not even loose, the part is long gone!

This standard I set for my life is too high, I know that and it's tiring trying to keep up with it, I really know that! I know what I have to do and I really gave it the old college try today, but why does it have to be so fucking hard to get my hands on some drugs?

I made some calls today to psychiatrists that are covered in my insurance plan. After having to jump through a few flaming circus hoops, I finally got a hold of one that accepts new patients. Wow, well I think we can see you on Sept. 18, we just had a cancellation! Cue the waterworks. I can't wait an entire month! You'd think the fact that I started crying and asking her if she was serious or just being cruel and rambling about how I just need someone to write out a 'fucking script for Xanax', she'd realize how desperate I was... or no, come to think of it, she probably thought I was a total junkie.

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22 comments:

Chris Wood said...

I have a bit of surplus tonnage on my frame, but I like to think I was built for comfort, not speed. And I'd rather pack a few extra pounds than be boring. I've been out with thin boring women - bye - and larger, more vivacious women. I know which I prefer.

3 year olds should say 'fuck.' You should encourage it! "Come on now, call daddy a cocksucker ..." Think how proud you'll be in a couple of years when your child is swearing at a ninth grade level!

I used to be a teacher, I know what I'm talking about.

zeghsy said...

try calling again. let them know that a month might be a bit much. they usually have spots open for "emergencies".

Steph said...

or just go to your regular doctor and tell her that you'll be following up with the psychiatrist. you really don't need to see a psychiatrist...you can see a psychologist or a counselor and be seen occasionally by a psychiatrist or your regular doc for the meds...that's what I do! I hate that they make you wait so long! you're on the right track though!

Mrs4444 said...

I agree with the comment that your own doctor should be able to help you get something, but don't put all of your faith in a pill; you need to sit down with your husband (without kids) and seriously talk about what you need. Pills don't change circumstances; they only change the way you look at them. That's good, certainly, but your circumstances need to change, too. I hate to see someone give out pills without getting you some counseling; you need to figure out why you are willing to sacrifice so much of yourself emotionally in your family. Getting some therapy to help you work through this would be a gift to your kids, as well as yourself. Never mind your husband; he pisses me off! I hate that you have all of this on you by yourself, basically. Jeez!

Sully Sullivan said...

Screw the weight crap. You have kids and a husband that (I presume) loves you. If you're a little overweight, who gives a shit? There's worse things in life. You could be stupid...or addicted to crack...or really really into kiddy porn...or all three. Weight you can lose.

As for the daughter, swearing isn't too bad as long as she can determine the right and wrong places to use it. School would fall into the wrong category, but the foster home she'd live in after the social workers took her away would fall into the right column. All kidding aside, kids are going to swear either way. It's better to accept that fact and work with getting it through their heads when/where it is appropriate and when/where it isn't.

Good look with finding a doc. I know it's tough but keep at it.

Patrice said...

I totally understand! I feel you, girl! I hope you get everything solved & u can get some "fucking drugs"! lol

PiaG said...

Yup, I would head on over to a regular doc.

Tell her how you feel. Crying helps. Don't hold back... that's only cheating yourself. Don't try and be strong in there. Let them see it all.

Once you admit to a professional that you need help, the relief will be immediate.

They'll give you what you need. Refer you to a specialist. Maybe even make a call on your behalf to get you in sooner.

You don't have to do it all on your own. The burdens are meant to be shared.

As for the swearing. Who gives a fuck. It's really not the end of the world, you are just so fragile that it seems like a crisis.

p.s. talk to your husband. He needs to know so that he can help dammit. If he's not available to support you, then he's not much (fucking) use, is he?

The Mom said...

Primary care and ob gyn's are completely capable of prescribing anti-depressants/anti-anxiety drugs...if you have one of those that can see you sooner!

And from experience, not anything sexist at all, sometimes a woman doctor understands other women a smidgen better!

Pills are the answer to all that ails, but it's a start.

The Mom said...

Ahh I meant to say pills AREN'T the answer to all that ails!!

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

My PCP was the one who gave me the drugs...my therapist was the one who really saw me out of depression...Call your DR...

Chris Wood said...

Music gets me through hard days. A little BB King works wonders.

Also, take a little time to think about the achievement of caring for four kids. My sister cares for three, & that's impressive. Four is awesome. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Tena said...

I would call them daily to see if they have had a cancellation for that day!!! Can't your normal doctor give them to you? This is where I got mine.
{{{{ hugs }}}

Darrin said...

When it's been a tough day and I feel like I can't take it anymore, a Dry Gin Martini takes the edge off and smooths me out for the rest of the night. Thank god those days are far and few between otherwise I'd be an alchoholic! LOL!

Drowsey Monkey said...

Okay, I'm going to be really serious here. Don't go on anti-depressants unless you plan to see a therapist on a regular basis. And Psychiatrists don't always make the best therapists unless they practice cognitive therapy.

I'm very serious. Going on these types of meds can be dangerous if you aren't being monitored. Most doctors know that but some just write a script and never see you again. That's very dangerous.

Jill said...

While some may think that seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist is a negative thing, I find it a very positive one. I've been down your path before - saw one for awhile and took Zoloft for about 6 months while I dealt with a very traumatic break up.

Here in India the RMO (regional medical officer) comes ever 3 months for people to see him. Let's just say that it's not enough - and guess who's already signed up for his next visit!

Deb said...

I agree that you might be able to get an emergency spot. Otherwise, your OB or reg doc can get you through until you see the psychiatrist.

Just take it one step at a time. See the psychiatrist and then check into some counseling after that. Right now you need to take care of the acute symptoms, then go from there. I think drugs are well complemented with counseling, but don't overwhelm yourself thinking that you have to do everything all at once.

HappyHourSue said...

You can even go to a walk in clinic and say you're having anxiety attacks. I've always gotten mine from my regular GP. Valium AND Xanax. (The pharmacist was like: you need BOTH? I was like yes, dumb-ass, Valium for every day stress and Xanax for panic attacks. Duh.)

Rochelle said...

Hi Tena - seriously, I think we are twins seperated at birth. Whenever you describe yourself I think "that's me!"

Good luck finding a doctor. It will help to talk to someone as well as get some sanity in a bottle!

AND I agree with Steph and everyone. You can get a script from any dr. OBGYN, gen prac etc. This is an emergency but you really should follow up with a therapist.

Take care. Ro at Whines & Wines

Sogeshirtsguy said...

Wow that sucks you need to relax for sure obviously. Maybe anxiety drugs are the answer. I don't really know. Hope things get better.

Ann said...

Tena,
I blame hormones. I blame just about everything on hormones. (Or the phases of the moon. Which ever is handier.)
So, about this... they gave you an appointment weeks away? Are you kidding me?
Have you called your Gyno? Honestly. I've been where you are.
If you haven't called your Gyno do it now. I'll wait...
annharrison@comcast.net

jill jill bo bill said...

FYI, Xanax is not an anti-depressant. I think I have taken 6 since Jan. It's mainly for situational stresses. I agree with the advice on counseling.
You need to love yourself. Start there. We already do and I am telling you, we know our shit. You need to move to Texas, nextdoor to me. You will feel really skinny and you can gag out on the way my floor looks because I refuse to sweep and mop it daily. I will be your therapy. And I have drugs.

Dr. Jay SW said...

Isn't the beauty of "fuck" that it can be used correctly in so many ways--most uniquely, inside of other words--absofuckinglutely, stufuckingpendous, infuckingcredible?

In dealing with any doctor's secretary, it's all in the delivery. "Hi, I'd like to make an appointment..." means next month. "I've got an emergency and need to see the doctor today" just might get you in the door this week....