Friday Fragments

Finally, back to a real post where I can just ramble what's on my mind- and ramble, I plan to do! What better way than with Friday Fragments...

***Mrs. 4444's has been dealing with a devastating loss this week and I wanted to mention that my thoughts and prayers are with her during this difficult time!

*** As you may know, we got back from vacation at Gulf Shores this week. I always have good intentions about recapping activities, but when it comes down to it, it bores me, my family , pictures, sunsets- YAWN... so if you are a visitor that stops by just once in a while (and reads only the top post)- I purged 4 vacation posts in the last two days- feel free to go back and catch up with me!

*** I have been 'Booed'- It's Halloween, but I don't know what the hell that means, but I'm going to go to every person I can think of and Boo you , too. I got it from Annie at Cookies (that's my new abbreviation for her because her blog title has simply gotten too long for me and my short attention span to type out and I love cookies- so BONUS! ) I have gone through and left many a comment that I was 'booing' you- some new friends that I have been stalking, some old friends, some people that probably are getting the restraining order paperwork in line, as we speak...- it was very random- I work well that way. So when I 'Boo' you , you must post this and mention that some stupid bitch (that would be me) 'booed' you so you would give her some linky love... it's really just a cheap ploy for readers (and smiles, of course!), isn't it Annie? Cause let's be honest- there's no freaking candy!!!

*** My house is being swarmed by ladybugs! It happens every year around this time and it grosses me out. Before we moved out to the Boonies, I, like the rest of the world, was brainwashed by the cute, harmless, ladybug. Our first fall in this house, I mentioned to my mom that we were having a LOT of ladybugs on our back patio. To what she replied, "Oh, our neighbors pay $50 for a case of ladybugs every year- they're great for your plants!"

Yeah, they keep the aphids away, I get it, I read The Angry Caterpillar (or which ever one of those books includes ladybugs and aphids!)! Don't let them fool you...
That is not a real ladybug... Real ladybugs do this...

Which leads to this...

(Duggar family portrait 18, 19, 20 kids- who the hell knows, anymore!)
Oh wait, that's when humans do that...

Here's ladybugs...

Oh GROSS! Right?

Ladybugs reproduce like the Duggars on Ecstasy and live right outside my back door! When we take the dog out, they come in and swarm the inside of my house. I try to pick them up and throw them out, but there are tons of them and I'm no match for those little fuckers. And did you know that they stink? And they are dumb, they constantly are banging against the windows and making a clicking sound- screw Haunted Houses, this Halloween, I am having nightmares about Ladybugs!

*** Speaking of Halloween, I am attempting to dress up like a sexy nurse. My new header inspired me- we'll see how that goes, best case scenario, I might look skanky. I will also be dressing up my dog because this is my first Halloween with a dog and I'm a dork! Certainly crappy pictures to follow from our festivities.

*** I just listened to a very funny exchange with my sister on the phone in her car as she pulled up to the McD drive thru window that she had been promising her daughter all day- (you must know...she is VERY cheap...and had been dragging her 4 year old with her all day to thrift stores in search of finishing touches for Halloween costumes)

Sister: you want a cheeseburger?

Niece: yeah.

Sister: Good, cuz chicken nuggets are too damn expensive.

(as she reads the updated menu)

Sister: What??? They are $1.29 now?

Sister: but they advertise the cheeseburger on the dollar menu!!!

McD worker: Yes, ma'am, they are $1.29 now.

Sister: Sorry (insert niece name), we are going home and eating- I will not pay $1.29 for a crappy cheeseburger for you!

My niece is freaking out, my sister is trying to weave out of a drive thru line during the lunch rush! Buck up- the accident you cause is going to put you out a little more than the .29!!!

Mind you, she would have paid $1.00, BUT THAT .29 was just asking too much!!!

A few thoughts, thank God that she didn't order anything because with the way she was complaining over that intercom her cheap skinny ass would have been getting lots o' saliva in her food!!!

Hasn't she heard that there's a recession? Prices are going up sister! Happy Hour Sue is using lint as blankets for Christ's sake!

The Bad (weather)

I drafted 'vacation' posts the day after I got home... I have one more left after this... to be honest, they are boring the shit out of me and I want to get back to writing regular posts that offend, I mean entertain, is that presumptuous? However, I refuse to waste posts that have already been drafted! So beware, I might just throw caution to the wind and start posting these ass sucking posts fast- just to get through them... so here's one more...

The weather gods were not 100% with us on our trip. Thursday and Friday were stormy yucky days- I heard they got 2 inches of rain.

On Thursday, my 9 year old (the one that is struggling in school) did waaay more homework than any child should be expected to do on vacation... what can I say, I'm a slave driver! We studied multiplication flash cards, branches of the government in Social Studies, and the Environment in Science- I could have turned on CNN and it wouldn't have been much different!

By Friday, I thought she'd had enough and I feared for my life if I grabbed another book out of her backpack, so we broke down and...

That's right, we caved and, EVEN my husband, saw High School Musical 3- Senior Year. It was 1:00 on a school day. Our party made up 10 of the 11 people in the theater... the woman in the left corner of this picture was the other- um, whatever. Happy Hour Sue has Joe Jonas and this broad, apparently, has Zac Efron- to each their own- you cougar...roooaar! Can I defend that woman for a short fleeting moment and admit I enjoy myself some High School Musical?

The Good

Ok, so you know how the drive went... that was the ugly...

But once we were there, we had a few beautiful days... here are the good...

A gorgeous view from our room...

Dragged the kids out of bed first thing in the morning because mom NEEDED her coffee to enjoy the day- look at those morning smiles!

We walked on the beach with the cranes...

Pretended we didn't have kids for a minute...

The kids entertained themselves at the beach...


As did I...

We enjoyed the sunset.

The Drive

It was a long trip. We had good times and good weather. We had bad times and bad weather. I, honest to God, don't know where to begin.

Do I begin where I am the 'Road Trip Nazi' and do not allow bathroom stops unless someone's tears begin smelling of urine? Do I begin where I am a total control freak and drove the entire 12 hours there on my own because I didn't want my husband to mess up my seat and mirror settings? Or do I tell you how once I finally gave up a little control at hour 8 on the ride home (because I knew, in good conscience that I should not be operating a vehicle with my medication) that my husband would only drive 55 in a 70 and broke my cruise control? He's lucky that my meds kicked in and I fell asleep.

Or maybe I could mention how the video entertainment system in the car is a nice concept and all ...

but only goes so far...

and that they may want to improve it by running a non-stop IV of Benadryl into the children's arms...

just a thought.

Did ya Miss me? Please lie and say you did!

So, I'm kinda doped up on Klonepin- I NEEDED it to get through the ride home. That being said, I HAD to stumble to my computer to check my 198 e-mails and read how the Mystery Blogger Event went- it has been eating away at me! So... this is kind of like drunk blogging... that should be fun...I will probably regret it in the morning, but I'm kind of used to that.

I have not downloaded any pictures from our trip yet and have not fully organized my thoughts of the good, bad and ugly moments (yes, they were all represented and yes, sometimes I organize my thoughts) that inevitably come from "family vacations"- I will save those for when I'm more coherent (with me, that's a relative term, so, let's just say, when I'm not drugged- legally, of course, they were prescribed for me!!!)

I wanted to immediately address the comments that I read and applaud everyone (Jill and Tiffany) for not abusing or twittering on my comments while I was gone- good for you! First, though, I wanted to say how much I missed everyone's blogs and comments and what a freak I must be for feeling like I missed out on all of the bloggy fun since I was laying on the white sandy beaches of the Gulf Coast- I really need to get a laptop or a life!

Few things that I have noticed... ya'll really have an apparent burning desire to have secret sex blogs- that was very insightful!



I love the comments left by the actual authors- very sneaky!



Poor Amy Bo Bamey lives in the back of the Target which reminds me of a really stupid movie called "Career Opportunities" and I think I may be the only person that ever saw it where a couple get locked in Target overnight. I always thought it would be soooo cool to live there. Much like "Where the Heart Is" where a pregnant Natalie Portman takes up residence in a Wal-Mart- I could go for that, too.



Anyhow, back to the contest... you all pretty much sucked- those of you that tried, anyway.



Jill Jill Bo Bill- you got one right and then second guessed yourself... didn't your mom ever teach you to go with your first instinct?

Tami- One right- I noticed I was tagged by her... read below...
Annie- One right
Eudea Mamia- One right
Tena- One right
Happy Hour Sue- One right
Amelia Bedelia- One right



BUT AMY BO BAMEY, the poor little girl living in the back of Target- got TWO Correct answers!!! Contact me privately so I can get your address to send you your lame ass shirt!



Here are the answers:

Sunday #1- Annie from Cookies, Chaos and Conversations
Monday #2- Mariah from the new and improved and no holds barred Manic Mariah
Tuesday #3- Eudea Mamia from Life, Liberty and the Pursuit
Wednesday #4 Jen The Mom from Cheaper Than Therapy
Thursday #5 Cheryl from The Daily Blonde
Friday #6 Jay from Halftime Lessons
Saturday #7 Will from Back to Barnwell
Sunday #8 Terri from This is How We Roll
Monday #9 I have no idea what her name is and that drives me crazy from Because I Said So

They were all so great- if you didn't get a chance to read them, go back or visit their blogs- they really came through for me and I owe them- not monetary or sexual favors, but gratitude!!!

And the winner of the embarassing vacation giveaway is Annie!!! It was so reminiscent of my drunken slutty sorority events that I couldn't resist rewarding her! And copying it for all to read...you're welcome!


I don't know if it qualifies as vacation but on my one and only camping trip in college, I was with a bunch of sorority sisters and our "dates." We were camping by a lake and had been drinking all darn day. I had only peed outside once. Once. I drank so much I could feel the runs coming. All of a sudden I sharted. Yep, farted and shit my pants. I ran into the woods, stripped off my leggings and undies, threw the undies, I thought into the woods, wiped, and left the woods.A tornado came in and we knew we had to get to cover. I was so mad that we were leaving all the tents I drummed up from my parents neighbors and was worried about having to replace them. "No time" my date said. So, I threw my shoe at him. It went over his head and into the lake. I hobbled to the car in the mud seeped ground and got completely saturated with one wet foot and mud. So, I left, pantiless and with one shoe on.Needless to say, the grand hook up I had planned with my date never happened. When we returned to the camp site the next day, the tents were in tact and I had to avert the attention of all my friends as we searched for things displaced in the woods....for up above us loomed my pretty lacy pink panties with the tell all shit stain.


Ok and as for that tag- Tami- you asked for it- seriously, the deeper I dig (I just typed 'digger I deep'- so I'm sooo going to bed after this and I apologize if this makes no sense) the more the information is really TMI!!!

1.) My birth name is Athena- Greek goddess of knowledge, wisdom and warfare- I KNOW_ fitting, right? I am, however, not Greek, my mom just liked the name, but growing up, it was just easier to lie and say I was Greek instead of a daughter a freaky hippie.
2.) I HATE onions and lie at restaurants and say that I am allergic to them so they will not put them in my food.
3.) Since Annie had the balls to share that story, I will give a little one that I've been holding back... my college roommate's step brother (I swear his name was Bubba, but he was cute!) 'hooked up". On the headboard, I had a beer and a bottle of Drakaar Noir. I would take a swig and then spray him, take a swig and then spray him! Nothing got me going like that smell! I am still teased by the people that know about this!
4.) I know when I've had too much. One night (in college) I knew I was done, but the people I was with were insisting to keep taking shots. I would pour them on the floor under the table- and pretend I was drinking them.
5.) I am double jointed
6.) I have touched Lenny Kravitz's dread locks and loved it!
7.) I used to smoke a lot of pot, but never actually bought it- is that unusual? I guess I'm just a mooch.

Monday-Mystery Guest Post #9- Last Chance

Alrighty folks, last call. I drafted this ahead of time, but I predict I am now on the road driving home, trying not to fall asleep, thanking God for Entertainment Systems in cars (or trying not to kill my kids), and probably popping the button of my pants from all of the eating I did on vacation- that's a pretty safe prediction! So, here is the last guest post... who do you think it is?

Mystery Guest Post #9

Wow, I didn’t think she’d actually pick me and I didn’t think I’d actually have to try to come up with a post worthy of Tena’s readers so we’ll just wing it and hope for the best! My apologies in advance if my post sucks out loud!

I can’t do a normal post of mine because it will surely give away my identity while I’m trying to be all mysterious and stuff, but in the interest of helping you gals in your quest to win Tena’s fabulous prize I will try to drop some hints….

You lucky lucky readers get to read one of my latest FaceCrack (there0s hint #1) stories! The FaceCrack Chronicles I will call them……

Okay, so the short and sticky version of the back story is this: I was best friends, I mean BBFF best of the best know each other inside and out she was the Godmother to (mystery blogger hint ahead) Big One. Now we must be close if she was chosen Godmother to one of my minis’ because that is no small gesture….Well about a year and a half ago my friendship with her came to a screeching halt (that story will be upcoming on MY blog soon! which I can’t insert shameless plug for here because I’m supposed to be MYSTERIOUS……..dammit) and we have not spoken since then. We were BFF’s for 20 years and we are both from the same town, knew the same people obviously and all that.

Well, I’v e been on FaceCrack for a while now and have 485 thousand friends, because isn’t it really just a contest to see who has the most “friends”?? Suddenly out of the blue I get a message that so-and-so (from my ‘Friend’ list) and exbestfriend are now Friends and this is really no big shock because we did grow up and know and hang out with the same people all our lives, but sometimes we hung in different circles but were each other’s BFF) and then 10 minutes later exbestfriend is now Friends with whatsherface (the next ‘Friend’ on my ‘Friends’ list) and 10 minutes later exbestfriend is now friends with whatchamajigger (the NEXT ‘Friend’) and 10 minutes later…you get the point...and slowly I see a pattern forming and low and behold….I realize that hooker is going down my friends list and requesting to be ‘Friends’ with each and every one of them IN ORDER, some are people she hardly ever spoke to!!

I don’t give her much thought these days but have heard rumor here and there that she’s talking shit about me and all of this out of the blue, out of nowhere, we haven’t spoken in al most 2 years…….seriously…we are 36 years old…..really?.... REALLY?......... we are gonna do this?

I’m not going to sink to her level though, she’s trying to draw me out and she’s trying to get a reaction……..so tell me dear readers, do I react? And if so how do I react? OR do I act like the civilized adult (pffffft….) that I am and not react at all?

So I’ve decided I’m using Tena since she has more readers than me (because she is SO awesome and I cannot compare to her awesomeness) OR because I’ve only been blogging for 2 months…..just kidding Tena, I’m stealing your readers……..well, not STEALING your readers…..how about BORROWING your readers and their insight on how to handle inappropriate immature behavior without letting the redneck in me surface…..

Help me......be MY Therapy today..

Hope you are having a good trip Tena......and I can't wait to see who wins the Fabulous Prize!!
Mystery Guest Post #9

(NOT)

Sunday: Mystery Guest Post #8

We can oh so relate to this one! I love blogging about blogging- so join me in sharing this guest bloggers' virginity...


ADDICTED; can anyone else relate?

So hey there blogger pals of the fabulous Tena! I am me from over there in blogland. Sorry can't tell you much more than that, Tena's only requirement for being a guest blogger is to keep ya'll in the dark about who I am so you can play a cool guessing game. You'll never guess me! Teeheehee

I'm fairly new around Tena's place, maybe five months or so and have picked up reading a few of you, also fabulous bloggers. I'll give you a few clues about myself in my post and please leave Tena and me a comment – 'cause we love comments! Also - this is my first time guest posting so please be nice….

you know, let me rephrase that last sentence- this is Tena's place, I can be raunchy and she'll appreciate it…

This post will pop my guest post cherry! Leave me a comment and let me know how it was for you!

I find myself slowly creeping toward blog addiction. Can anyone else relate? It doesn't rule my life, but if I sit down in front of my laptop at home or my desktop at work (clue 1), the first thing I want to do is check for comments, check my sitemeter, check to see if my "followers" have grown, check on my fav bloggers to see if they updated, etc. etc. etc. Is that addiction? Ok, forget slowly creeping, I'm there, I admit it.

Often, I get this gleam in my eye, or grab my camera, or make a funny noise and hubs and the kids (clue 2, 3, 4) roll their eyes and ask that question "is this going in the blog?", hands on hips, full of attitude. Sheesh, can I get a break? Can anyone else relate?

Then when it's time to post I ponder and ponder, sometimes I read others' blogs and I can glean ideas, sometimes it's something the dogs (clue 5) or kids have done. Sometimes it's something I've read or seen on line. But always something, I post nearly every day (clue 6), I just can't help it. Can anyone else relate?

Sometimes my favorite bloggers decide to go on a sabbatical or take a break or have something going on in their life that keeps them from blogging. I want to cry, I pine (yes I think that is a word) for them and an update on their daily lives. Some have excellent excuses and I should be forgiving, but often I'm just depressed that they went away. Can anyone else relate?

Personally I don't think I'll ever be able to stop blogging, it's in my blood now, it’s a part of who I am. It's my legacy. Can anyone else relate?

Well it's been nice hanging with ya'll. Hopefully after fabulous Tena gets back from her fabulous vacay, she tell you who I am so you can come over to my place and feed my addiction! Blog ya later! (clue 7)
Mystery Guest Post #8

(NOT)

Saturday Mystery Guest Post #7

When I walk into a salon, I expect to hear mood kind of music like Enya and crap ...I can hear it now, the soothing sounds of - a police scanner... WTF? I present you with Mystery Guest Post #7- don't forget to comment and guess who on my blogroll wrote this...

This past week, I decided it was time to get my hair did. Now most of you, I’m sure, schedule your hair appointment weeks in advance at some swanky salon. Not me...Not anymore.

I used to go where the wine and Red Bull flowed freely. Where someone would come rub my feet, and the smell of hair coloring got me high enough to make the most outlandish requests for more free wine and Tootsie Pops. By the time I’d leave, I could hardly walk straight, much less care about how my hair looked.

This time, however, was very different. I walked up in the “new” place and found two young girls sitting; listening to a police scanner.

Me: Are you all busy. Do you have enough time to do my hair today?

Girl # 1: Yeah, I can do your hair.

Girl # 2: Oh god, Brandon’s unit is going to a rollover.

Girl # 1: Well, at least he’s not going to a fire, like last night.

Me (thinking): Uh Oh, do I really want this? Should I just wait? Oh F it. Where’s the wine? At least Red Bull?

None.

I sat in the chair. Christian beats rang from a distant radio. She put a leopard print hair barrier across me and got to work. I introduced myself, and sat patiently, listening to the police scanner, and them gawk about their boyfriends in the field.

Maybe I should become a cop, I thought. I’d issue all of my friend’s and family police scanners, and give them my unit info, that way I’d have someone following my actions and listening at all times.

What, I’m an exhibitionist, okay???

Or, maybe, I thought, I should become a hairdresser like them, so I could just sit and gawk about pointless things all day. Plus, I could talk shit about everyone who came in, and how bad his or her hair looked before I worked my magic.

Or, maybe I could just become a SAHM, and have babies following me around all day. Children watch your every move. Plus, I’d have an excuse to go to McDonald’s everyday, an excuse to drive a gas guzzler, and an excuse, that when asked later in life how or why I was an alcoholic, I could point at my kids and say…They did it.
Mystery Guest Post #7

(NOT)

Friday- Mystery Guest Post #6

This blogapalooza is just rollin' right along. Since I wrote this before I left... I wonder if anyone's reading these and if anyone's guessing and if anyone's guessing right and if I will fall asleep on the road since I'm driving for 12 hours in the morning, but will be staying up until 3AM to pack since my ass is still on the computer and it's midnight... Wow, before blogging, I don't remember vacations being so stressful!

The Mystery Guest Poster for today is a little stressed, too, it seems. A little vent up anger is always good for the soul. And a guest post... so who do you think it is?

Mystery Guest Post #6


I have a bone to pick with someone.

It's not you, Gym-owner-guy, for only running sales in January, and only
for new sign ups. You could give a crap about me, or my waistline, or my
health.

And it's not you, Oil-change-guy, for trying to sell me on $100 bucks
worth of stuff I don't need. How could you know I'm not dumber than I look?

It's not you, either, manicure-lady. I really don't care to hear what a
spoiled brat I am, so the fact that you are speaking in tongues is just
fine with me.

And it is DEFINITELY not you, Mr.-Doctor-Man, for keeping me waiting 7o
minutes over my scheduled appointment time, taking one look at my
problem, and telling me to see a specialist. I'm confused...Is your
degree in Co-Pay collection, or patient room exit strategies?

No, each of you I have come to accept for your assitude.

The person I am most pissed at today is Mr.-Greeting-Card-Manufacturer.
The guy that chose to package Christmas greeting cards in boxes of eighteen.

Fucking eighteen.

Who the fuck picks a number like 18? 20 was outside the realm of your
consciousness? 15 made you feel like some cheap bastard?

I tell you what. If you are banking those other two cards, or putting
them in another package knowing that I'll be forced to buy one more, you
can go straight to hell. I am boycotting Christmas, and you can take
those last two cards, roll 'em up real tight, and JAM 'em. You just
saved me 20 stamps.

Happy Holidays, tree killer. I'm gonna have Shirley MaClaine hand
deliver mine.
Mystery Guest Post #6


(NOT)

Thursday- Mystery Guest Post #5

This is reminiscent of one of my guests posts that I've done- we clearly have a similar lack of direction. And the tampon reference... if you're not a regular visitor, you may not know that we "rock with our tampon out" around here! Who do you think it is?
Mystery Guest Post #5


It is a cool fall afternoon and I have so much to do. I've procrastinated all day and I am certain that I'll be dialing for pizza because I can't cook dinner tonight. Why? Because I completely forgot that I was picked to be one of Tenakim's mystery bloggers. I think I've got massive memory loss lately. How could I forget Tena?


Just when I thought how bad it was that I had to write a blog for Tena, I remembered this: I have no dammed clue what to write about. My mind is completely void. I haven't had a good night's sleep in two days. I have twelve projects going on at once and I keep committing to more. My kids think it's hysterical that my eyes seem permanently crossed. Apparently it's a good look for me.


So, I'm still thinking. I'm writing and thinking. Thinking and writing. Should I write about the jackwad who cut me off in the Target parking lot? No. He doesn't deserve a mention. Should I write about the fact that I bought three bags of Halloween candy and told the kids that it was completely off limits...and then I broke into one of the bags and had some when they weren't looking? No. That's not interesting or funny. The kids follow the rules and I break them. I deserve the ass I'm going to be sporting for eating like this.


I'm out of ideas. My mind is so empty it's almost enjoyable. I want to write this incredibly witty blog with all sorts of thrilling details of my day. Unfortunately there aren't any thrilling details. What do you want from me? I could make something up but I'm too busy sneaking candy to deal with that. Fact is, I'm stressed out. I think Tena is one of the most rocking bloggers out there and I can't come up with a flipping subject to write about. I'm fairly sure no one wants to hear that PMS is creeping up. I've been a total jerk all week...fluctuating between crying like a baby and yelling at people in traffic when they really didn't do anything. It's even worse that I am so stressed that I spent 15 minutes in Target deciding between Super or Regular Tampons. Pearl or Sport version? Scented or Unscented? Really, does it matter if they are scented or unscented?? WHO THE HELL SNIFFS A TAMPON? Yuck.


That's enough. I'm sorry Tena. I totally suck. I suck at guest blogging and now I need some more candy and maybe a glass of wine. Or sleep. Maybe I'll just go sniff a scented tampon. I promise if you ever, ever dare to ask me back to blog again, I'll be really prepared. Have a great vacation.
Mystery Guest Post #5

(NOT)

Bribery AND Wednesday's Mystery Guest Post #4!

Today is the GIVEAWAY day! Woo Hoo! As you know, I am on vacation and have been hosting some dear friends and giving them a platform to curse and say inappropriate things- they're doing awesome- don'tcha think?

In an effort to keep you coming back for more and giving them comment love- I am going to try to buy you off. That's right, I'm not above bribery. So tell everyone you know that they could WIN something and get their asses over here!

All you have to do is tell me the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you on vacation. Did you throw up on a roller coaster? Maybe you peed in a Pepsi can in the car so you didn't have to go to a rest stop while talking about it on a walkie- talkie to your sister's car and the frequency picked up complete strangers listening to you talking about not having 'good aim' and how the opening of a Pepsi can is far too small of a hole for a woman to be expected to pee in (oh, wait, that was me!) Anyway, you could win this:

Are you getting hungry? Well, it's not a cupcake, but a bath bomb- cool, right? So, if your kid says "Fuck it" you can tell them to eat this cupcake and you will be washing their mouth out with soap without any forceful restraint!

You can find this at Unique Diva Boutique along with cute hair bows like this:



The winner can choose between the cupcake bath bomb or your choice of hair bow (go see all the different ones!) OR- if you want it to be all about you (and who doesn't) you can choose a Mineral Girlz eye shadow or lip gloss from the same site (men- every woman likes a lip gloss!)

I will pick a winner from those brave admissions of mortification. Thanks to Unique Diva Boutique! Go and visit- some fun stuff!

On to today's Mystery Guest Post: Today's has a clue- the title is:

"Colder Than a Witch's ..."


The clue? This person does not use the word "tit"- that should narrow it down, right? ... I present Mystery Guest Post #4...

Dear Lovely State that I Live In,
There's something called transitions.
Look into it!
Love, Me
I swear there is no easing into anything around these parts.

Either super hot and we're all whining that we're sweaty and can't cool down.

Or we are freezing our buttocks off.

No in-between, ever.

Today is a cold day. My fingers are actually numb as I type.

My coffee that was just poured into my new mug is now tepid at best.

I'm wrapped in a blanket, socks on and i'm chattery.

Last week I had the A/C on all day. And, by A/C I mean the freakishly small window unit that cools down a 4 foot square space in front of it pretty darn well.

The baby is screaming for her "big money."

That's her one dollar silver coin that's lost.

It's going to be a doozy of a day.

Mystery Guest Post #4

don't forget to comment your guess and your embarrassing moment!


(NOT)

Tuesday Mystery Guest Post #3

I love this- my couch is open even when I'm on vacation... I'm here to help (or not here, as the case may be.)...Mystery Blog Post #3...


A little two timing on the couch.


Oh, hi. Good morning?


Well, yes, Tena, did happen to mention that I‘d be seeing someone different today, but she didn’t say…HEY, what’s that?


Ouch!


No, I didn’t think I needed anything to help me relax, but thanks anyway.


Was that needle clean?


Wow, did she get a new couch – this one’s really comfortable. Cute pillows. Lovely shade of red.


Well, I wouldn’t say that I need therapy, exactly. It’s more like I want therapy. Tena’s just so damn funny, tells it like it is, you know? That’s something I haven’t really been able to do.


Don’t you read her stuff? Awesomely honest.


Wow, what exactly was in that shot?


Did Tena really put that in my file?


Yes, I would agree - my mother does seem to come up a lot. I can’t really talk about it on my own blog. Stupid me, I gave her the site address.


No, I don’t think she was consciously being mean when she said that “girls are sooooooo much fun - it’s a shame you guys aren’t trying for one more.” Why would a mother say that on purpose to a daughter with two beautiful sons?


No, she’s not my step-mother.


She’s just won’t let go of the life dreams SHE wanted for me. But I want to find MY happy place. She thinks I can’t possibly be happy where I am, with what I have.


May I have another shot? Are those mints in your bowl, or samples from that cute drug rep I was talking to while in the waiting room?


Why yes, I do think she’s a perfectionist, never pleased control freak bitch trying to push me over the edge so that she’ll have a roommate when she heads to the loony bin!!


Wow!


I would consider that break through. I feel so much better! Thanks so much for letting me get that off of my chest.


When’s Tena getting back? Will you make a note in my chart about that shot?


Any free samples?


I’m guessing my mom will be calling tomorrow.
Mystery Guest Post #3

(NOT)

Monday- Mystery Guest Post #2

Wow, if I didn't know better, I would have guessed that I wrote this... but no... so who is it?...



When Tena asked me if I wanted to be do a guest post for her I practically jumped out of my seat because there are a few things I need to say that I can't say on my blog. So thanks Tena for letting me hog up your space and bitch.

My mom has found out about my blog, it sucks big time, because I get these E-mails from her ALL THE TIME! E-mails like:

Dear *Jamie* (no, that is not my real name, but this is mystery blogger time…so roll with it would ya?)
I love your writing, you are very clever but I really think you should remove the cussing, it's not necessary and it sounds very vulgar…. Yada yada yada…
Love Mom

I reply saying:
Dear Mom,
My Blog is my place to vent and be me without criticism, sometimes cussing is necessary in order to get my feelings across…. Yada yada yada
I don't mind if you read it, but please don't judge it.
Love *Melody* (No Melody is not my name either)

Sometimes I just want to cuss and talk about boobs and sex. I really want to talk about the bag of sex toys that is hiding under my bed and the hot *massage* oil and how it intensifies sex. I would like to open up a question and answer section regarding sex, I think it would be hilarious, but I don't because *gasp* my mom might actually read it.

I sent my mom another E-mail, saying:
Dear Mom,
This is just a warning that I am going to openly talk about sex, so you may not want to read my blog over the next few days. If you do, just try to find the humor… yada yada yada…
Love *Juliet* (I love that name, but it's not mine)

She replied:
Dear *Harmony,*
If you do, I'm telling your dad.
Love Mom

*sigh*

Hi my name is *Rebecca* and I like to fucking cuss and talk about sex. What should I do? Open up the sex Q&A and deal with my mom's criticisms? Or should I start a brand new sex Blog?

Thanks Tena, you're the best!

Mystery Guest Post #2


(NOT)

Sunday- #1- let the games begin!

I bring you Mystery Guest Post #1...ahem- can you say bitch? (Not the guest poster- just read it, you'll see what I mean)...

There is this lady who I see pretty much every day when I drop off at school. She is a skinny ass mother of 5 and drives a mini van. Harmless enough, and with all those kids, you’d think she’d be up for some adult conversation, maybe some jokes, and at least a little stinking smile. NOPE. She has to be the meanest faced, bitchiest mom there. Seriously, her daughter is in class with my child and I’ve numerous times tried striking up a convo. I am seriously friendly, and damn it, I’m funny. I could make a nun laugh. Not Evil Mom. No way, no how. So what is the big freaking deal you may ask? Why do I even care? Aren’t there enough other parents there I can converge on to heckle and bother and make their ears burn with all the hot air I blow?!?!? Well, faithful Tena readers, yes, there are. But often we are the only ones there at that given stinking moment. I’m not about to be rude and not acknowledge her. Here is why I find it so highly amusing……her license plate (which I almost took a picture of, but didn’t want to out myself by showing a state plate!) says PSALM 23. Yes, that is right, Miss High and Mighty is a Godly woman. Just so we are all on the same page, I looked up the verse to see what she was preachin’.

Psalm 23 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not be in want. He makes me lie
down in green pastures; he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He
guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with
me.

Now, I attend church, and I proclaim to be no saint. I cuss too much, drive too fast, and let my spawn eat ice cream for dinner on occasion. However, I don’t have a bible verse emblazoned on my mom wagon.

Apparently what Psalm does NOT say is this: The Lord is my Shepard so I will give eye contact when someone greets me. He teaches me common courtesy to say hello to other adults who are in the room. He does not like when I make a “Hmff” sound when I see a political advertisement of a party I am not apart of. He guides me in not saying “Your kid looks nothing like you. They must look like their father.” Pause “They are so cute.” He tells me I should fear no evil, except the wrath of the other moms who are totally bitching about me when I leave the room.

I’m wondering if I need to leave my version on her windshield?!?! Don’t you hate when people talk a talk but don’t walk the walk…no matter what the subject be it religion, parenting, politics?!?! Seriously…smile and say hello is all I ask. And just for the record when she asked about my child looking like my husband that really is true. Dang it, I won a pageant when I was 4. She really didn’t call me ugly, did she!??! Because if she did, I may have to whip out my bible and beat her with it.
Mystery Guest Post #1- now go and guess who it is in comments!

(NOT)

Friday Fragments- last words

This will be my last post before my departure... sniff sniff... Friday Fragments is just the way to leave- keep you wanting more terribly confused and baffled by my randomness! You can join in on the sketchy fun over at Mrs. 4444's.

*** This has truly been a tough week. My daughter has really been struggling in her 4th grade year and it's very disconcerting. She was an 'A' and 'B' student till this year. She is now straddling 'D' and 'F' in 3 classes! We are beside ourselves and are not satisfied with the lack of communication from the teacher. This is the year at this school where they start expecting independent study and really start sticking it to 'em. The way it was put to me: The are no longer learning to read, they're reading to learn. I bring this up because it is troubling me and is on my mind, but also, I know there are a few teachers that stop by. If you have any suggestions... I would love to hear them.

*** I have a guest excerpt over at Annie's place today. That's right, it's about politics. But wait, Annie made me play nice. I couldn't even SAY the opposing candidate's name or policies- let me know how you think I did. It's definitely worth going over to read. Play nice and politics usually are not synonymous!

*** I have not packed.

*** I am hungry, but I have lost 6LBS this week! My mom just called me from Alabama and told me there is a cold front moving into Gulf Shores and the highs will be in the 70's while we're there!!! Seriously? I have been starving myself so I could wear a stinking swimsuit and summery clothes and now I have to pack my sweatshirts and capris- something just ain't fair- pass me a damn donut!

***I have spent way too much time on the computer this week. I had this cockamamie (got that word from McCain) idea of a contest and have been spending the wee hours drafting and scheduling all of these posts- what was I thinking?

*** I'm wondering what my place will look like when I come back. I'm hoping to come back to legitimate comments and not TWITTERING on my comment section-GIRLS! Remember I am 71% bitch!

*** Speaking of 71% Bitch- did anyone notice that the title of that post equalled 101%? Or are ya'll bad at math, too? Confession- I used a freaking calculator AND STILL GOT IT WRONG- and I wonder why my daughter is struggling!

*** On the topic of Why didn't I think of that? Amelia Bedelia asked if there were extra points for putting the badge on your blog. Man, that's brilliant- just another reason I don't do contests- I suck at rules and am not brilliant!

*** So yes, extra points for putting this badge on your blog or post... *** Please come and guess who the Mystery Guests are this week! Remember, there's something in it for you!

***Google Analytics and I have had a falling out. Sure "Stay at home moms masturbating" is a thing of beauty and GA is the only one that may provide that kind of richness. However, my numbers have FLAT LINED since Oct.6- Nada, nilche, nunya (as my dad says and thinks he's sooo funny- nunya what, dad ? Nunya damn business! If I've heard that once , I've heard that a billion times from him) Anyway GA + my blog = zero visitors. Come on, I know I suck, but that's a little harsh, don't you think? Why do they hate me? I'm not sure. So I've left GA and am attempting Sitemeter, we'll see how he treats me.

*** Don't forget me- puhlease! I'll return with some batshit crazy stories and it may be entertaining or it may not. I'll miss you all!

71% Bitch- 21% Bossy Control Freak- 9%People Pleaser

First, let me say that I am a bitch... 71% to be exact. I'm not quite sure why that woman is biting the head off of a rubber ducky? That wasn't one of the questions. I didn't know that was "bitch" criteria???

You Are 71% Bitchy

While you may not think of yourself as the ice queen, admit it, you're often in a bad mood. And it's those around you who often bear the brunt of your annoyance, even if they haven't done anything wrong!

How Bitchy Are You?

I didn't really need this test to figure that out (I actually came out better than I thought I would have!) Thanks- Soulfully Blonde for this. It was eye opening that I'm only 71% bitchy! My husband BEGS to differ "tell them to live with you"- yeah, well screw off!

So, consider yourself warned. I say that with a smile!

I know you're probably sick to death of me talking about my Mystery Guest Post Party- but I DON'T CARE! I do care, I hate to bore people, but frankly, I'm afraid that I haven't been clear from some of the comments I have received. I'm also very obsessive and controlling and when I leave- the control is out of my hands and that totally is freaking me out!

**** Bloggers have already been chosen (and if it's you- SERIOUSLY, get me the post ASAP)

**** Everyone can and MUST play!

**** Stop in Sunday Oct. 19 through Mon. Oct. 27 to read and comment and guess who the author is.

**** The authors are all in my blogroll

**** Invite everyone to play by posting this badge on a post or your sidebar- Jen worked sooo very hard on it- don't let it go to waste and it's very sexy, no?

****The person with the most correct answers wins something from our exotic trip to ALABAMA! Well, it's exotic for us! I'm in Missouri, for Pete's sake!

**** There will also be a giveaway in the middle of the week... something for FREE, people, who doesn't love something for FREE?

In closing, I will give you more reasons to visit next week...

1.) I won't be here talking about politics.

2.) I won't be here rambling

3.) I have it on good word that there may be a shake down between Jill and Annie, Bets anyone? I'm taking Jill- sorry Annie- feisty Southern girl could take you, I think, have you read some of the shit she has pulled on HER OWN SISTER???

4.) You can tell your husband you're busy (instead of having sex with him, Georgie!)

5.) My mystery bloggers ROCK! There posts have been rolling in and they didn't just send me filler- it's good stuff! Some of them even cuss!

Rules can make your head explode

Alrighty, so the votes have been cast (not really, just a bunch of balled up pieces of paper thrown in a bowl- spared no expense) and the Mystery Guest Posters have been assigned! If you didn't hear from me- too bad- (not really, I felt bad that I couldn't choose everyone, but you know me, Miss Liberal Democrat and shit- gotta be FAIR!)

The keys to my place have been handed over to 9- that's right-9 very capable, witty, fellow comment whores bloggers. So, please stop in each and every day of my vacation to give them love (and keep an eye on the place, but seriously what harm could they do? Don't answer that.) and take a stab at who they are (it will be someone from my blogroll). The person with the most correct answers stands to win a cherished "My friend that lives in my computer went to Alabama and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" t-shirt! Not all at once folks, we will do this in an orderly fashion! And No Cheating! Winners never cheat and cheaters never win unless you're really good at cheating in which case you would probably always win- especially a silly little contest like this, but principles people!

If you plan on playing (or if you're one of "THE CHOSEN ONES")- grab this button: thank you- you little genius you- Jen!
and encourage readers to come and play-to visit and study my blog roll! I'll meet new people, you'll meet new people- a blogging orgy- it's called networking, folks! Just my little attempt at giving back- I'm a giver (orgy and giver in the same paragraph, I'm afraid!) It could be a regular comment lovefest- spread the love- spread the comments- sexual innuendos stop HERE!

There will also be a SURPRISE little nugget in the middle of the week for stopping in- who am I kidding- I can't keep that a secret! There will be a giveaway from Sabrae and Blogging Momma's store ...

Unique Diva Boutique

So make sure you stop in and get in on that contest, too!

Wow- did I mention that I don't do contests because there are too many damn rules- good to know that I'm still right about everything.

Unrelated Crap

So I got great feedback yesterday on my dream/contest/idea. You have convinced me that it doesn't completely suck so I'm going to run with it. I will be putting each name that said they were game (some may have e-mailed me privately- I can't make it that easy), into a hat and draw names to see who it will be. I will contact you tonight and let you know to get your ass movin' start compiling your brilliance! For those of you who are not "the chosen ones", remember to stop in Oct. 19-26 to make your guesses from anyone in my blogroll. Time to start cramming- go visit them!

In completely unrelated news...

Good news: I will not have to bring my son to the endodontist once a week for the next 6 weeks!

Bad News: Unfortunately during our first x-ray visit last night, the tooth had already gone dead and my son was swooped in for an emergency root canal at 7PM! He seemed to have gotten through it just fine. I, on the other hand, watched the whole thing and had NO anesthesia and MY GOD! That boy's mouth served as a human pin cushion! My suggestion, don't watch a root canal!

Isn't it a shame that I just made that about me- and while I'm at it- my dental insurance sucks! I had to drop 4 bills on it (that's $400 for those that don't have a policeman husband that works in the inner city ghetto to keep them upraised on current slang- I'm so down with it)- paid up front, of course! Peanut butter sandwiches will be the house specialty on vacation! I hate peanut butter so maybe I'll actually lose weight while on vacation!

In more unrelated crap:

Beebs has been dealing with a tummy ache. Why, you ask? Well, that would, apparently, be because she has been fighting the "urge". The urge for Number 2, dropping a deuce, dropping the kids off at the pool, BM, however you like to express it- it wasn't happening. Why, you ask?

"Because princesses don't poop, silly!"

So we have a long talk explaining that the princesses' servants
prepare her lots of fancy meals. The food needs to come out
somehow (and everyone knows that princesses do NOT purge) or the
princess would be a crampy bloated bitch. I think she
got it. She did her business and is running around today with a new
quote:

"Poop is good!"

I will leave you with those wise words today!

Tell me this idea doesn't suck!

Overwhelmed (ō'vər-hwělm', -wělm'): the feeling you get when you sit at the computer after not having blogged all weekend because you had to sweat your ass off (unfortunately, not literally) at 8 soccer/volleyball/baseball games in 2 days, having school meetings coming out the nose, leaving for vacation in 6 days, trying to lose a record amount of weight in those 6 days and the thought of packing for 6 people and a 12 hour drive makes you want to throw up- all the while having to listen to 4 kids screaming ( the same ones that made you throw up during your 12 hour drive) because they are home from school. I'm pretty sure that's close to Webster's version and brings you up to date with what's going on with me.

Last night I had a dream... I'm a regular Martin Luther King, Jr.- without the positivity! I dreamt of a Mystery Guest Posting contest. Now, I avoid contests like the plague because there are too many rules, but ya'll are way smarter than I am and I have confidence that you can follow.

Now my brain hasn't completely translated my dream yet, but first things first. I need guest posters that are willing to write a post that is anonymous. Then commenters will guess each day who they think wrote that post ( from someone in my blogroll), by clues, writing style, bra size, whatever. (I will also need to update my blogroll- if you send me your info- I will add you- I'm kind of a loser and need you to remind me of this stuff once in a while- my apologies!)

When I return, I will go through and see who got the most number of correct answers and I will send a lame t-shirt rockin' souvenir from my travels to the winner.

So who's up for it? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Leave a comment and I will contact you privately.

Friday Fragments

I've checked the calendar and it is actually Friday. Am I the only one without a life clue as to what day of the week it is- EVER? I always thought that when the day would come, that I didn't know the day of the week, that it would be because I was sipping on Margaritas on the beach in St. Croix and didn't have a care in the world! I had no idea that life would be so mundane that days would just run together and weekends would be even more stressful than the week and that margaritas had so many fucking calories!!! What kind of fool was I?

But I digress... It is indeed Friday, which used to be my favorite day of the week- now- just another day- however, I do have Mrs.4444's Friday Fragments!

I have also been tagged by Soulfully Blonde and Legal Diva- two new faces that I have enjoyed visiting as of late and I can't let them down. However, it is very hard to come up with more random facts about myself that I haven't mentioned on this blog. Not to mention that pretty much every post is a random fact about myself... but in the true fashion of multi-tasking and people pleasing, I will attempt to combine all my random weird facts about myself that no one knows about me in a fragmented way...

***I pulled into the school parking lot surrounded by "Sarahcuda" and "McCain/Palin '08" bumper stickers and me (the heathen), Beebs and the dog, Murphy, get out of the car for our walk around the field...

He was wearing his Democrat 2008 shirt! Oh, the looks I got! Is it wrong to admit I loved it?


*** No weight loss this week! Currently shopping for cover-ups- which is no small task in October in the Midwest!

*** Anyone in Mississippi (or anywhere en route from Missouri to Gulf Shores, Alabama)? We are headed to Alabama by way of HWY55 and are thinking of stopping off for a night to break up the drive, but I am totally overwhelmed by the Priceline negotiator and Expedia gnome. I am not much of a traveler and when we do go somewhere, my mommy takes care of all the arrangements (and by "take care", I mean, lets us mooch off of her and stay at one of their condos). I'm needing some guidance.

*** I don't know what to do about my blog during our vacation??? I have some folks that "owe" me a guest post (and you know who you are- don't think I forgot), but first off, I have no idea how to schedule posts in advance . Also, I like to be different and shake things up, however, I'm not that clever to come up with something new and different. Any thoughts???

*** I recently was looking through my archives and noticed that I named my kids by their actual names once. I have used alias' , like most, out here in cyberspace, but oops.

I don't really know why I don't use their real names, it was total peer pressure- I did it 'cause everyone else was doing it- maybe they knew something I didn't- like that there was some secret underground blogger child abduction ring that can only locate the children if they have their first names.

I wonder how you all feel about real name usage? I think my husband would shit a brick and immediately send them into hiding (he's a bit irrational and over-protective when it comes to the kids)- so my flub can be our little secret!

Fragmented Thursday

Did you know that if you hit enter while writing a post, it publishes? That sucks! So if you stopped by and saw a post title "Screw the Rules"- I wasn't being the cool rebel radical that I wish I was, it was simply premature publication!

As I was saying, screw the rules... I usually do Friday Fragments, but I have too much going through my head today... so Thursday Fragments, it is...

***I spent the morning running from a mad man. Well, not me, personally, or anyone else, really, but there was a murderer on the loose in my community. He had been running from the authorities since 4am.

Many of the schools closed. I said a quick prayer that my kid's school would NOT be cancelled- (oh yeah, and that they would catch the guy, of course.) My kids' school was on "lock down". My gym was right in the middle of all of it! I considered not going since I was a little uneasy about leaving Beebs in the daycare (which is visible as you walk into the community center and it was not on lock down), but I had to work out, man- priorities- I only have 10 days left until the damn beach!!!

Luckily, they caught Marcus 'Butterman' Powell at about 11AM without incident. Yes, his nickname is 'Butterman'- I think he may have killed the guy that gave him that nickname.

*** Is anyone else having an issue with Google Analytics or do I REALLY suck that much!!! I mean, I know I haven't been whipping out Pulitzer quality stuff here, but GA is saying 5 visits in the last 2 days- that can't be right, right?

And why has blogging made me such a damn narcissist? I know people have lives- kids to take care of, Twilight books to read, Cookbooks to write- whatever. Why is it that I take it personally when people don't want to read the silly shit I write... I didn't start off like that- blogging has created a greedy, reader hungry, comment whore!!!

I guess I just want to make sure I haven't stepped over the line every once in a while- in this tightrope walk pathetic excuse of a blog, I have. I know the politics and religion freak people out. It freaks me out, but if it's on my mind, it's on my blog. However, if you stop back in the next day, chances are pretty good that Sybil will have turned into a sweet doting mom, you just never know!

*** I was tagged (no, I really wasn't, I just really thought it was a fun idea and begged her to let me join in on the fun) by Cheryl at The Daily Blonde.

Find a safe quiet place free of significant others, nosey meme makers, priests, nuns, all things religious and men in general. (If you're a guy just reverse this process to male and tell us about your wallet, tool box, briefcase or metro sexual accessory.)
1. Dump the contents of your handbag in a pile
2. Take a photo of your handbag and the contents
3. Be brave and explain to your fellow bloggers what lurks inside the handbag.
4. Tag others who might want to embarrass themselves
5. Answer these questions:
Describe the contents of your handbag.
What's the most important thing in your handbag?
What's the most embarrassing thing in your handbag?
What's the smallest thing in your handbag?Is there anything illegal in your handbag?


Take a look inside my soul purse...

It is the clown car of purses! I shove far too much crap in it and have NEVER been able to buckle that clasp (except today when all of the contents were laying of the floor- I didn't even know it worked!!!)
There is really a bunch of useless shit in my purse. When I was 12, my mom brought me to a baby shower for one of my Aunts. One of the games was a scavenger hunt from your purse. For some reason, ever since then, I value my worth in whether I could check off everything on that scavenger hunt list- I know, I'm totally demented.

Coupons that I ALWAYS forget to use

TONS of receipts

Pictures of my nieces and nephews that my sister gives me (she has their pics taken every 6 months or so... what am I going to do with them? So I shove them in the handbag from hell!)

sunglasses (mine and Beeb's), ipod, cell phone

Sucker and candy for emergency breakdown bribery while shopping

Crayons for emergency breakdown bribery at restaurants (that don't have crayons)

20 Moist towelettes that I stole was given from a local BBQ restaurant because they're great to have. I also have bug repellent wipes for the 15 soccer games a week we have- very handy!

Some pills my dealer mom gave me during my father in law's wake (about 6 months ago) because I hadn't slept for a while.

Headbands, rubber band, hair bows- Beebs will not keep her hair up!!!

A bobby pin, a safety pin, emery boards, and band-aids ( these were all on the 'list')

Gum and Brush ups- you know my obsession with teeth!

A bag o' medicine- Tums, Pepto, aspirin, Aleve

The most important thing is my cell phone and my lip gloss- I'm superficial , that way!

The most embarrassing thing: that would be the Men's Speed Stick. I had to go to my Step dad's mom's funeral about 8 months ago and my sister and I drove an hour drive together to the middle of nowhere for the funeral. I wore a sweater and the sun was beating down on me the whole drive. I was sweating like a stout pig and got a sniff and about shit- I had forgotten to put on deodorant that morning! The only place was a "Hucks" in East wegepeejie- I paid $5.89 for that Men's Speed Stick and it saved my life that day- I figured it was a good idea to just keep it in there in case of emergency!

The smallest would be my wedding band. Last Christmas, my husband had an eternity band added onto my engagement ring and we just nixed the wedding band it's still in the bottom of my purse (I had no idea until, I emptied it out!)

I think those pills my mom gave me are legal, but I couldn't be 100% sure.

Screw the Rules

A Pretty Smile is Very Important

Yet another chapter in the book of why I won't be 'Mother of the Year' anytime soon.

The phone rings. I see on the caller ID that it is the school nurse. I am hoping she is calling to ask for volunteers for the school blood drive, but I know better since we don't have a school blood drive.

The nurse tells me that my son has tripped and fell and hit his face on the water fountain. She goes on to tell me that he hit his teeth.

My first thought:
God, I wish she was just calling to tell me that he puked!

Second thought:
I KNOW he was goofing around! He's not clumsy- he's very coordinated. This was probably his fault.

Third thought:
Crap- his braces! $4000 worth of braces that have only been on for 6 weeks! Are they OK? If the teeth fell out and the braces broke, can I get a refund?

Forth thought:
Veneers look like horse teeth. I hope he doen't need veneers.

Fifth thought:
He can make it through the rest of the day, right? It's only a half an hour and I don't want to have to make two trips or wake up Beebs from her nap.


I know, I do a lot of thinking!


Things that did not cross my mind:

Is he OK?
Does it hurt?
Is it bleeding?
Did he hurt anything else?
How did it happen?

In my defense, even though I know I'm completely defenseless, this is not the first or even the second time we have gone through this with my son and his teeth. Granted, this first 2 were not his fault. But my heart can't take any more teeth injuries. I'm a proponent of nice pretty white, clean, straight teeth.

We rushed him to the orthodontist who said the braces were fine, but didn't know about the teeth (tell me- what good are the braces, exactly, without the teeth???) His left front tooth had really been pushed back and damaged.

On to the Endodontist (sadly, we are recongnized here)... we know the routine. After the x-rays- no sign of any trauma yet, but we will have to come back once a week for the next 6 weeks! If they see damage they will try to save the tooth with an emergency root canal. What the hell, I had nothing better to do!

So, I'm in the market for a rubber mouthguard that my son can wear 24 hours a day or maybe I'll just bubble wrap his face!