Tuesday, August 5, 2008

What a woman goes through...

Can you feel the love? Seriously, could I be more pathetic and needy? You all are so great to stroke my ego boost my spirit! Apparently, what's best recieved by you, the reader, is just the real fucking pathetic dysfunction that is my life (you did say you liked the cursing, right?)... I aim to please. Here's what went down today...

Me and the kids were invited to a pool party to welcome a new student and parent that just came to the school. Is it just me or would you rather stick hot pokers in your eye than hold a "meet and greet" in you swimsuit?

My kids were looking forward to it and I thought I'd be a good sport. About an hour before we left, I decided I would go get ready- this was going to take some time. If you don't know about the school that my kids go to I will paraphrase: very large strict Catholic school, with many wealthy families and a few middle class schmucks (me) thrown in for good measure.

I wanted to try and make a good impression. So, I hiked up my leg onto the toilet. Yep, time for the big guns- I was going to shave my legs!

As I'm shaving my legs, I realize my toes are a dead giveaway to my 'poor white trash' status that I'm trying to conceal. I got a pedicure back in April. The remanants of hooker red toenail polish did not leave the impression I was going for.

So, as I'm freshening up my toenails, I notice a shaving knick on the back of my ankle- crap- I tried to be so careful! Grab a little corner of toilet paper and dab it on there and hope the bleeding stops. I made a mental note to self: DO NOT FORGET THAT YOU HAVE A BLOODY PIECE OF TOILET PAPER STUCK TO YOUR ANKLE!!!

Next, the face. I take a close look in the mirror and notice yet another hygenic concern that I had become neglectful of... I have a mustache- OK? ARE YOU HAPPY, NOW? Facial hair sounds so much better, but no matter how you put it, it's humiliating! So I pull out my Nair and spread it on my upper lip. Beebs walks in and says I look like "Grampa"(my dad has a white mustache)- thanks dear- way to boost mommy's self esteem.

Wipe off the Nair- that stuff smells like shit- seriously, shit- kind of permy shit, but shit! It is one of the few things that I like to do in "private" and NEVER FAIL- my husband walks in the bathroom afterwards and thinks I took a dump! I just let him live in his little fantasy world and never tell him the truth.

I'm now fresh faced and smelling like shit ready to start putting on makeup. It's a swimming party, so I don't want to look too made up, but I don't know these people too well and want them to think I'm hot to make a good impression. I'm attempting that 'natural' look- you know the one that's totally NOT natural and takes twice as much time and energy. Waterproof mascara, beige eyeshadow, lip gloss... oh no, this is what I look like when I wake up kind of bullshit.

Squeeze my fat ass and big boobs perfectly normal sized woman's body into my swimsuit and find the beloved, couldn't live without, camoflaging, genius invention- COVER UP.

There, I'm we're ready to go. Time to go meet the Stepford Wives.



On a serious note, the moms couldn't have been nicer and I didn't feel completely like an outsider. So yeah, me!


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14 comments:

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

Good to hear it went great!

I was crackin' up at this post. I could so relate to every aspect of it. The shitty painted toes and the facial hair. Sadly I have shaved one leg and forgotten to shave the other before. Ugh

Why do men just get to throw on swim trunks....Sheesh so not fair.

Deb said...

Funny post! Seriously, who in the world thought it would be a good idea to have a pool party with moms? Moms are so insecure about stuff like that!!

I used Nair once, and broke out in such a rash...I guess I'm allergic to it. It seriously smells like shit though. Could you smell it under your nose the whole time?

Steph said...

did you remember to take the toilet paper off your nick?? or is that another post?
my older sister decided to put Nair on her legs...then shave it off for good measure...not a good idea!

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Oh that seems like way too much work to have any kind of fun. I always have to check for the chin hairs.

Tiffany said...

HAHA See this is why we love you. Who else admits they have a stache? I personally don't because I got mine zapped off. Hmm stinky nair shit or electricty through your pore. You decide.

sltbee69 said...

Oh! I so feel you on this post. From the chipped and nasty looking toenails that need clipping, the unshaven legs that I butcher up because I'm in a hurry (don't forget the gross pubic hair that wants to grow out on my thighs), and the mustache/chin hairs. WTF with the chin hairs? I even have a weird stray one that popped up on my neck. I swear the closer I get to 40, the more of a man I'm getting to be.

BTW- thanks for stopping by my blog. My readership is so small and it was very pleasant finding a St. Louis neighbor who's experiencing the horrors of raising/training puppy(ies).

Wow - that was a novel comment, huh? Sorry.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

These are the things that make me love you even more...

georgie said...

OMGosh if I am EVER in need of a good laugh(with you NOT at you KK)I know I can come here and get my "laff on"

Glad the moms were nice-that woulda been bad if you did ALL that then they were mean ;-)

Drowsey Monkey said...

Ugh ... shaving ... that's why I gave up a social life all together ;)

Glad ya had fun! :)

Drowsey Monkey said...

I have a kick ass award for you on my blog today :)

jill jill bo bill said...

You have big boobs?! I hate you. In the good way.

Mr Lady said...

Dude, welcome to the tranny mommy blogger club. Rock your mustache. Well, wax it, but totally BRAG about it. I mean, I have one, and now I have a dad blog. Mustaches, UNITE!

just a girl... said...

LMAO, at the nair. Get it completely

J'Ollie Primitives said...

hey, behind that "rich snobby mom" persona (not YOU, the OTHERS) is an insecure one-leg-shaved "OMG they'll all hate me/do I look fat?" lady....as the ONLY working/single mom who veryveryvery breifly joined the PTA and the Teacher's Helper Commitee I found that all of the richsnobbymoms were even more needy and insecure than moi! Yay.