Monday, August 18, 2008

And it wasn't my fault!

Alrighty, so I'm walking this fine line between nervous breakdown and trying to hold it together and pretend nothing's wrong and, frankly, not doing so well.

I ventured out of my cocoon and posted yesterday and, boy, am I glad I did. I received lots of encouraging words, a few votes for Xanax, a handful for Zoloft, and even a few personal e-mails so I can get even closer to infiltrating your real lives (insert evil laughter, what is it Mwahahahaha?). I'm not against meds, actually very pro meds, but getting to a doc will be another issue, maybe this post will generate comments with tips for black market meds.

There is a point, so back to it... I'm treading the 'I'm about to cry 'cause my life is really sucky and nothing seems to be going right' place along side with the 'I have four kids that are counting on me to pull my shit together' place, or as I call it, my Sybil place. I am fighting every urge to go rock in a corner in a fetal position. It's been going on for a few weeks, but I pulled it together to get school shopping done a few weeks ago.

The previous years' report card gets sent home with the list for the next years' school supplies for the appropriate grades. I had an 8th, 4th, and 2nd grader.

I gathered my lists. I woke up at 5:30AM and went to the 24 hour Walmart Supercenter on our 'tax free' weekend. I followed the lists meticulously. It took 3 hours and $300, but I got every supply listed. I labeled everything with their names and loaded up the backpacks.

Today, when I picked them up from school, my 7 year old, my sweet, everything rolls off her back dear child, tells me that she needs a red folder. Gee, that's odd that I forgot to send you with a red folder if it was on your list, but I'm only human, so OK, I'll take that. (My alter ego that talks to myself in my head for purposes of this story is June Cleaver and very agreeable, I know, just imagine if you will, dammit!)

As we drive home she mentions that she also needs an 'Assignment Notebook'- a specialty item that is only available through the school(this means that it is a .25 notebook that the school gives a fancy name and charges me $3.50!) No fucking way did I forget that if it was on your list because I had to buy the same overpriced notebook for the older kids- something is royally screwed up! June Cleaver is morphing into Joan Jett- thus the Sybil place.

I also remember her talking to her sister and said something about how the kids wondered why she had so many glue sticks...

Tonight I decided to pull out that list because I KNEW I didn't see 'Assignment Notebook'! IT'S THE 1ST GRADE LIST- SHE'S GOING INTO 2ND GRADE!!! I sent 12 glue sticks, she needed 6! Pretty much, not one thing is right!!!

I'm so spent at this point that I started laughing hysterically because I'm imagining these teachers imagining me walking around Walmart popping Zoloft and smoking crack, me and Amy Winehouse. Then, I start imagining Laynie, my sweet innocent amazing daughter proudly pulling out of her backpack all the WRONG supplies and I start crying because I see the kids laughing at her and thinking her mom and her friend Amy can't read a freakin' supply list! But then some of the kids like Amy's song 'Rehab', so they cut Laynie some slack, and I start laughing again. But then I think Laynie is absolutely oblivious to this blunder and was so sweet how she gently mentioned the 'few' items that I 'missed' on her list and I start crying.

Now, it's the UGLY cry- laugh, cry, laugh, cry- TOTALLY SYBIL! Shit is coming out my nose. Snorty noises that shouldn't be coming out of a human, but at this point I'm questioning that label, too!

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The Mom said...

Oh Tena I'm laughing and snorting and teary, I have been there, oh so many times, back and forth and back and the ugly cry! HUG!

You need one day off to center. To breathe. Your hubby needs to help you on this.

Drink coffee alone, walk in a park. Just you. It's only a day, not even 24 hours, maybe 8...but for only you. I feel your spiral.

Zoloft and Lexapro and Prozac....they take weeks to kick in, Xanax is faster if not immediate, you just need a break.

Darrin said...

UGH!! I hate this time of the year! This is the most broke I am all year long. Having to shop for three kids all at once ARGHHH!!! School supplies, clothes, hair cuts, school pics, etc. etc. etc. It can really put you in a gloomy state of mind. Sounds like you need some relaxing "Me" time. That always helps me.

Crazed Mom said...

Tena~I have to snicker cuz I have done this too. All our grades are on the same page with a very complicated chart. Everyone makes a mistake. Just cuz you live in Gap Momma land does not mean you have to act like then to care about what they think.

If a kid needs something different take a breath and say I'll deal with that tomorrow.

I'm a xanax girl myself.

Can you spend relaxing time with your youngest? Or come visit me I'm outta school till 9/22. HUGS!

Jill said...

Awe lady... what a devil of a day! All I can say is that when life hands you lemons, add vodka to the lemonade.

And throw your hands up in the air and say, "fuck it"... Cuz if you don't, your daughter may!

Insert big hug here.

PiaG said...

As far as I am concerned, anyone who has to co-ordinate the life of more than one kid is a hero to me.

We all have shitty, bad days. Days where we cry. Where we wake up the next day with eyes that are weak from weeping. That's called living.

BUT, when the bad days get to more than the good days, that's when you need to hop on over to the doctor and be honest. That's when you need more that just wishing you had the power to pull yourself together. People can be well meaning and tell you to relax, but you will know if you need more help than "just think happy thoughts". That's when you need some chemicals to put it right.

You have all the strength that you need. As long as you are honest here on your blog, that will help you to sort things out.

Know that you are not alone. We all struggle. We all have hard, painful days. I am having some of those days now. I cried more yesterday than I have in my whole life, I think.

Just keep talking to us and letting it all out.

Deb said...

Oh, I forgot to say...

Xanax rules.

So does Wellbutrin

and Prozac...

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

Oh my...I should have sent you shopping with my little perfectionist who likes to point out ever single thing I've missed, and how "No Mom, that's NOT what the list says"...if I didn't have telling what I might send them to school with...{{{{hugs}}}} I feel so bad about where you are right now...because I have been there, and I wish I could give you a crystal ball to let you know that it will be ok...and you just need to be kinder to yourself.

georgie said...

I wish I could wave a magic wand and poof everything would be better for you-

Just know you are not alone

Tiffany said...

Aww I'm sorry! Kids are alot stronger than we are because we overthink things. I worry about shit for my son that he could care less about. I'm sure your daughter is fine and you will be too. Just hang in there and things will get better. *hugs*

Myssie said...

I hope that things get better soon. You have alot of support from your blogger friends! Take care of yourself, you can't be the Mom that you want to be if you are not the person you want to be first. Let me know if there is any thing that I can do to help.

sltbee69 said...

You certainly aren't the first momma to screw up on the school supply list, and you won't be the last. Give yourself a break momma! Hope things get better for you. (((HUGS)))

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

Aw Girlie!!

I have totally done the Ugly Cry on many occasions. Been there, Done that with the school supplies too. Ugh why the hell do the need all that chit. What happened to some peachee's, Trapper Keeper and some pencils and you were done. For Real!

Girl, Take a break for you. Get away for a few hours to relax. I wish I was closer I would come steal ya. When all else fail Beebs said it best "Fuck It" :)

Tena said...

oh no!!! One day I promise this will be a story that has the whole dinner table laughing at the holidays, even if it doesn't feel that way now!
Just wash your hands of it, and try again today, tomorrow, next week! I tell people all the time " I am a work in progress" and than I pop my pills!

{{{ hugs }}}}

C said...

Oh Tena, I'm so sorry about all the crap you've got going on. Sadly, I can relate--what is it about the Universe deciding that everything should turn to shit at exactly the same moment?! I wish I was there to hang with you...we could comfort each other with lots of booze...:) Smile? A little?

Honeybell said...

Oh honey, this is SO something I'd do, and I'm ALREADY TAKING PROZAC.

It will get better, I promise.

jill jill bo bill said...

Sybil- As in our previous session, I recommened Xanax, because as Jen said, it's immediate and it's the same effect as smoking a giant doobie, only legal and it won't burn your throat.
And since I haven't heard back from you after my confession, any extra Xanax I had to give you will now have to be taken by me to keep me from the padded rubber room.
You loving counselor.

I am Boymom said...

Tena - I so feel your pain. It sounds like we are going through the same thing. Husband has been out of work for a while now and we are struggling financially as well. Why is it when there is no money, the world suddenly starts charging you for air? My depression tends to get the better of me when things get stressful. No insurance means no meds, which I am still struggling with taking anyway. So yeah...I'm so with you, Sweetie. I've cried more in the last 6 months than I have my whole life and the last big cry was over school stuff! I'm sending out good vibes your way, hang in there and definitely try to get your hubby to give you a day off. Mine makes it tough, it's like pulling teeth to get his help in that area, but eventually I have a big enough meltdown that he will jump in. Even if you just sleep all day, you need a day to not be accountable to anyone for any reason. You're not alone, and you are not a bad mom. An overworked mom, a stressed out mom, not a bad mom.

Drowsey Monkey said...

Laughter's good...but you too damn hard on yourself! Seriously, perfection is the true insanity ... stop trying to live up to it.

And this comes from a woman who goes out in public with her clothes on backwards & inside out. I see the humour in these things, but I don't think I did anything wrong.

Terri said...

your doing fine! My kids don't start until Sept 2nd and I have no idea what class, what teacher, what supplies are needed. I called the school and they said I'll get a list when school starts...can you imagine? There's going to be NOTHING left at the stores in Sept and certainly no deals. It doesn't matter if they have all they need that day and no one would make fun. Your expectations of yourself are too high girl!! Throw yourself some slack and hang in there.

Rochelle said...

Tena! Like so many of your cyber friends - I've been there too. My wake-up call was when my 2 and 4 year-old boys said at breakfast one day "Mommy, please don't cry today." I could not recover from my issues alone this time and started to see a therapist (because I was afraid of drugs). She decided I was the poster child for needing medication in about 3 minutes. I waited 6 months before I started taking Zoloft. I was able to function again within a very short period of time.

Please talk to someone soon - any of your doctors (ob, therapist, gen prac). I have had help from all of them!

The breaking point for me when stressing over if I should take something was when I realized that (1) my kids noticed and would remember my "issues" forever and
(2)they are growing up so fast and I didn't want to waste time on the couch with a box of kleenex!

e-mail me at if you want to chat.

Mrs4444 said...

I think you need to get rid of June AND Amy and just put Tena up there; your best-self Tena is perfectly wonderful and competent and can help take care of you. Take that break; uour husband MUST give you a break! If he "can't," then get a sitter and make that doctor appt. You are going to make it through this.

Aubrey said...

I have always been drawn to your blog because many times, you say exactly what I feel. Today, reading this post and all these comments, I'm relieved. Relieved to know that there are a lot of mamas out there feeling the same way I do. Thank you for being so raw. It will get better.

Anonymous said...

My name is Steven Martin and i would like to show you my personal experience with Zoloft.

I am 35 years old. Have been on Zocor for 7 months now. This med did clear up the PPD, but weaning off of it has been absolute HELL. I got/am still getting the "zaps" that so many others talk about. Had I known it would be like this, I would have requested a different med. I will NEVER take this med again under any circumstances!

I have experienced some of these side effects -
Weight loss, upset stomach

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Steven Martin

Zoloft Prescription Medication