But Blogger ate my homework!

The mind is random today- yeah, big surprise, I know. With the doom and gloom of the economics of our country and money being drained from our nest eggs and retirement funds, the tug of war over the "bailout plan", and, of course, the election, I must admit, it's difficult for me to focus on something that is not politically driven, emotionally charged, and drama inducing!

As if that weren't enough to bring a girl down, I am officially on a "starving my ass off so I don't feel too uncomfortable on the beach" cleanse or simply put, a diet. So, I am a bitch on wheels until I get over the withdrawal phase from simple carbs and chocolate or simply put, don't fuck with me.

To balance out my nerves a little, I am working out hard and loving the feel of not being able to lift my arms- no pain, no gain, right!

With the stress of real life kicking my ass, I decided to let Google Analytics provide some comic relief for me (and you) today.

However, Blogger had a different plan in mind and didn't care to heed my bitch warning and went and ate the entire fucking post that I had written and it's gone!

So, in short, I'm having a bad day and you can blame Blogger for me not having a witty post today! Here is the gist of the results of my most recent Google searches...


1.)"Is it my fault my son struggles in school?"

My son does struggle in school, yes. He is currently flunking Science. I have eluded to his academic struggles before, but not that I thought it was my fault, thanks for the vote of confidence, Google Analytics!

So 3 people have been directed to my blog for this problem. This is where I would hope to see a bounce rate of 100% (no, she's a good mom that works diligently with her son and it's not her fault, she can't help me) Um. No. I am apparently the "go to" gal on the subject. They stayed for 8 minutes and read 11 pages of my faulty parenting!

2.) "It's hard out there for a pimp to clean."

Yes, I suppose it is. You're busy taking all those calls from Johns and finding the perfect lady to 'hook them up' for the night. A pimp's work is never done- why don't you just hire a maid?

3.) Mom's dirty thoughts

I have never divulged into my dirty thoughts! I guess they were intrigued by my profanity? They stayed for 5 minutes and 21 seconds and read 4 pages!

4.) "Famke Janssen lookalike"

I just put this one in because it makes me feel special! And as an apology to that person that left in disappointment.

5.) Tattoos of Pebbles Flintstone

Stop! Don't do it! What are you thinking? In my defense, I was only 20 years old and drunk and high stupid. It was the "in" thing to get cartoon character tattoos.

AND whatever you do, for the love of GOD- DON'T put it on your hip if you are a woman and may have children someday and are not blessed with elasticity in your skin. Poor Pebbles didn't deserve those silvery stretch marks and flab invading her space and smothering her, but she got it- lots of it!

Blast from the Past

So, yesterday, I had a full day away from the kids and the husband. In my life, this doesn't happen nearly enough. So when I got a phone call from a friend last week asking me to help her work a booth for her new store at a local street festival -BY MYSELF, I jumped at the chance!

Despite the fact that I had blisters (fashion over function- wrong choice) and was on my feet and sweating my ass off for 6 hours, it was nice to get away from the grind.

While at the festival, my friend informs me that the guy in charge of the whole shebang was an old "flame" of mine from college. He has his own marketing and promotions company (very successful) and has come a long way from playing in a band, smoking pot and sleeping until noon everyday!

Lo and behold, who comes rolling in on his Segway- yep! Can I just say, how awkward! There were a couple of uncomfortable words exchanged...hey, long time no see, married, kids... yada, yada, yada. But what was going through my head was more like... shit, he looks good, he's seen me naked and I hope I don't have pepper stuck in my teeth! Luckily, before I blurted out anything completely inappropriate, I was saved by the bell- his phone- business called and he was off.

It's so weird running into people from our past, especially love interests! What do you say? What do you want to say? Most importantly, what are they thinking? Am I the only one that falls into this trap of obsessing over the past when reminded of it?

Moonlighting

It's Sunday and I usually take the day off! But for a little extra cash, I picked up a gig waiting tables (with my clothes ON) over at Annie's at Cookies, Chaos, and Conversations. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE-go visit me there and leave me a big tip some comment love! (No, she didn't really pay me, I did it for free- I'm slutty funny that way!)

Friday Fragments

***I did not write a post yesterday. Instead, I got my hair done- cut and highlights. I broke two of my own rules. I vowed to never dye my hair until I had to (to cover grey) and to not do bangs. What can I say? I got bored and had to change it up a little.

***I also wrote a guest post for Annie at Cookies, Chaos, and Conversations that she will post on Sunday. I secretly think she gave me the Sunday time slot because NO ONE reads blogs on Sunday and she was afraid I would piss off some people. I did not disappoint-I cursed and threw in a little politics. I considered putting this in the post to complete my full alienation of all her readers, but I decided to put it here instead. I know some of you may not appreciate it, but that's Ok, we can agree to disagree (and that you are wrong and Sarah Silverman is funny!) So mark your calendar to go and comment on her blog on SUNDAY- don't embarrass me, please?!!!

***Today is my birthday! 36, for those of you who were wondering, I'm 36. For my birthday, I'm going to get a pedicure and pray that John and Barack come through with my entertainment for the evening... please have the debate, please have the debate, please have the debate! I plan to have an entire one slice of Tiramisu and then really hit the dieting and exercising because we leave for Gulf Shores, Alabama in 3 weeks!

*** I went to Target yesterday and found the true beauty in a fall vacation to the beach- I can get summer clothes for cheap! I present my vacation wardrobe- all $65worth (not one item was more than $4.48!!!) I also bought them in a size that was a little snug to keep me motivated to keep my ass on the stair climber!!!


***To keep me honest, I have joined forces with new Twitter friend, Lisa, who is on the same weight loss journey. Thank God it's not a competition because this is what she wants to get back to...

No photo shopping, folks! She was a model, can ya tell? Looking at her pictures will either totally depress me or keep me motivated. She's really sweet so it's hard to hate her-even though, let's be honest, if I saw her on the street, I would totally hate her! Although, my destination is a UNIVERSE from hers... I'd just like to take a picture where I don't look like a big fat doofus. I'm alright, no, I'm insistent on wearing a cover- up OVER my swimsuit- non- negotiable!

***As I've explained before, I know I am not photogenic, but subtle hints are not lost on me! Lisa was giving me her Twitter friends "tips" to posing for pictures...
Posing Tip #1: Always angle your smaller eye (most people have one) toward camera...closer to lens=larger in photo

Posing Tip #2: Slight head tilt to side and away more interesting, unless you have a really narrow face. Then, straight on is best.

Posing Tip #3: Place all your weight on your "back foot"...the one away from the camera. This is an easy 10 lbs. off visually.



I look like a complete dork! The picture of my highlights turned out pretty good though, no?

Let's hope I have better luck with my weight loss!!!

Time for a good cry!

In real life, I am as structured as the day is long! I write lists, keep a spotless house, the kids have a strict routine of homework and chores and go to bed at the same time every night- everything here is boring tightly regimented.

In my blogging life, I am able to turn from (loving) drill sergeant to fly by the seat of my pants, cooky bi-polar-ish, rambler of anything that pops in my manic mind. You're welcome.

I don't plan any posts. I read other blogs (secretly hoping to get tagged with a meme or given an award) and my e-mail every morning, hoping to get inspired and sometimes it works, sometimes, not so much. Sorry.

This morning, the theme is waterworks. I don't know if it's hormonal or I just happened on a lot of tear jerkers recently.

It started last night. I rented the movie, Sex and the City. I love SATC, but never get to the movies. So, this was long anticipated and I was sooo looking forward to it!

The opening five minutes or so of the movie is just a synopsis of the series to bring you current. I could feel the little hairs on the back of my neck standing up, then the goosebumps, then the tears. They were happy tears, but tears nonetheless.

Then about 10 minutes in, my DVD just stopped- tears again! (Ok, maybe those were of the hormonal variety.) After some tearful cursing at the DVD, ( I almost just typed VCR- can you say child of the 80's!) cleaning the fingerprints off, and slapping the DVD player around a little- we were back in business. I dried my eyes so I could immerse myself.

I cried the 'awwww' tears (where your head tilts) and the happy tears( where you are crying through a smile and your husband asks why you're crying!!!). There were ugly laughing tears where you are crying and then start laughing in the middle and then cry again, then just sort of a convulsing cry/laugh thing because your brain doesn't know whether you're happy or sad! Then the bawling "my best friend just died tears"- it wasn't pretty. I don't believe I have cried more in a movie in my entire life! When I woke up this morning, my eyes looked like I had been left at the alter last night!

So, through my swollen, bloodshot eyes, I do my morning rounds (that is, blog reading, I just play a doctor on the internet). It is Jill's birthday- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY! I expect a fun post from her- I mean she is a week long birthday celebrator, right? Nope, she is having a difficult day because it's her first since her dad has passed away. More tears. Maybe I can count on her sister, Amy, for some comic relief. THANKS A LOT AMY, for deciding to be all deep and emotional when I clearly am not able to find my cry "off" switch!

The story that Amy told reminded me of a site that Jen introduced me to...matt, liz, and madeline- Fair warning if you are not in the mood to totally cry your eyes out- DO NOT READ THAT POST!

At this point, I don't think I am PMS-ing, but now I'm doubting myself so I feel myself up to see if my boobs are sore just to make sure! NOPE, just a blubbering fool.

Your place for news!

Ok, I go to my computer this morning with not a CLUE of what to write- so consider this an apology in advance.

First, I use MSN as my home page. This morning it's freaking me out! There's a bunch of faces on the border! I don't know who these people are and they're distracting me! I'm not good with change- put it back the way it was!

So I click off of that really fast and go to my e-mail. In my inbox were the fool proof "Dear Beloved One" from Abola Poon, he's the securing bank official for the Hang Seng Bank in Tong and he's in a bit of a bind and needs my help. He assures me that there's "practically no risk"- REALLY MR. PONG? Well if you'd turn on the television (CNN, MSNBC, even FOX news would tell you)- you might realize you may not be wanting to be asking an American for assistance in banking right now, just sayin!

Then there's an e-mail from "Pheoebe"- looks somewhat legitimate titled "Apology Accepted by all my heart"- Ok, now maybe in hindsight, that could be broken English (prepositions can be confusing)- but my mind immediately thought it was someone in the blogosphere that I pissed off (yeah, there's been a few) and we were going to make up...

I opened it... this is the text:
that of a poem in it's self,know me better before fuck me ....

I am totally baffled! I don't know if this is a threat or an old boyfriend!

Then I go to my blog to start my pathetic excuse post for the day. I notice I have a few new comments from yesterday. WOO HOO! I got an award! Amy Bo Bamey has given me this:


It means "This blog invests and believes in proximity" .. which means something like if you like this blog, you should invest in (give money to) Tena because she could use the money and you should move close to her, because I hate all my neighbors, and apparently the feeling is mutual because in the last two weeks 4 people surrounding me have put their houses on the market! But if I liked my neighbors, I would probably never blog, so never mind. Blogging makes us close- that's better and sweet and not quite as much of a run-on sentence than my original!

Thank you so much, Amy, and because you are not scared off by my crudeness and profanity and you are using MY NEWS ADDICTION to keep you up to date (God help you!), I wanted to inform you a little more of the financial crisis going on in our country:


This cracked me up! It's not real, the financial downfall is real, but the man on man action was Howard Stern's doing.

My Blogging Affair

Dear My First Real Love:
I have been neglectful, I know, I'm sorry. I feel like I don't even know you anymore. Blogging has taken over my life in a very odd, uncontrollable way. I spend much of my time reading blogs, writing on my blog, thinking about writing blogs, and Twittering with my bloggy friends- time that we used to share.

My neglect became obvious to me when I was choosing to blog and ignoring you completely! I started missing the nights that used to be our "special time" together. When we do get to spend time together, I feel I am having a hard time catching up with what's been going on with you- it's like we're in different places now.

I know last night was an important night for you! I didn't want to let you down. I was there for you. I had fun and it was great catching up. I'm so glad for Jeremy Piven and Tina Fey. I'm ashamed that I have not watched any "Mad Men", but last night's Best Drama Award was just the nudge I needed.

With the new fall season upon us, maybe we can start fresh with all of our favorites. I am going to start trying to bridge the gap that has been coming between us. I think we can make it work. I think there is room in my life for you and my blogging. Let's try and make it work!

Sincerely,
Tena

Slow News Day

Go ahead- make fun. Yes, I have an addiction to CNN, but now I have proof that it's entertainment!

Friday Fragments- PORN WEEK EDITION

Yippee- another Friday Fragments! I was just thinking... I have a few things that I want to write, but they don't make any sense altogether... hmmm... and then I realized it's Friday! Mrs. 4444 is a genius!

*** It is a "half day" at my kids' school today! I HATE THAT! I also am no longer understanding of the concept TGIF. I know, back when I had a life and a job and such, I got it (well, kind of because I worked in retail)... but now it just means that my kids are going to be here driving me fricking nuts and being needy and messing up my daily routine... is that wrong of me?

*** My kids have 'couriers' sent home on Fridays- it's an envelope that is sent home at the end of the week with all of the paper work for the entire week. Couriers make my head want to explode!

*** I haven't recognized TOO many of my bloggy friends on the Not Quite Hot Enough Blogger Calendar- what are you waiting for? Are you waiting to lose 30lbs or until that zit clears up- yeah, so was I, but Happy Hour Sue was on my ass to get her the picture so I had to bite the bullet. Even if you don't have a scanner- take a picture of a picture (that's why my picture quality isn't so great, but it worked!)...

*** AND after you have submitted your photo and go there to admire your gorgeous mug- LEAVE ME A COMMENT THERE- remember I'm a comment whore- and I will do the same for you! Just because I didn't post a picture of bikini clad T&A- no one is commenting and I'm feeling like a big loser!

***I must say this, though, when Happy Hour Sue gave me my deadline for a picture, I was scrambling through my house to find a picture that was taken back when I was 18. My mom worked with a guy that was a freelance photographer that was contracted out by Hot Rod Magazine to take a picture of a rare restored Dodge Charger (it was old, I don't know 1960's?)... and was looking for a slut to throw on the hood of the car for the photo. My mom immediately thought of me- thanks mom! And since I am a people pleaser- I put on my size 2 bikini and laid my skinny ass on the hood of the car while he took pictures of me! A few weeks later, he sent me the copies of the photos. They sucked! I am not a model! I was soooo uncomfortable and am not particularly photogenic (I have an appreciation for the fools on America's Next Top Model)! However, I was 18 and my body was rockin'! So I kept it for safe keeping and my husband enjoys it. He didn't believe that my body never had stretch marks and it's my only proof! OF COURSE, NOW I CAN'T FIND THE DAMN THING! Any Hot Rod magazine collectors out there?

*** Weeds finale- WOW! If you haven't watched it- no spoilers, but - ooooh it's good! After it was over, I realized that I would be going through withdrawls so I finally started watching Dexter (because God forbid I actually have a life or something!). I made it through season 1 and the first 2 episodes of Season 2. Good stuff.

***On the mental health front- I'm doing well and am not taking meds. I know, I know, I ranted and raved about getting my hands on those puppies, but I did and, though they helped me over the hump, what was prescribed made me super tired, lethargic, and made my skin break out like a 16 year old McDonald's fry cook! I am still under the doctor's "care"- because Lord knows I need it. Since you're reading me, I assume you, too, are mentally unsound, so anyone else ever have that problem with the meds?

***Google Analytics Update! My dirty word experiment proved my theory to be right! Those 2 days, I got 50 extra hits each day! Bounce rate stayed the same. New keyword searches: "Boobs" & "Boobs Go Bouncing" - so welcome, if you will, my new classy readers! If I could only find that damn picture!!!

Where My Hotties At?

Alright folks! You remember back in the day when I was nominated for THE HOT BLOGGER CALENDAR? That makes it sound like someone truly thought I was hot and that's the way I like it to sound, but that's not the actual story. ACTUALLY, a drunk bloggy friend had a few too many and went "nominating" people- but you know what, I take charity, so that was OK with me. It was just a step closer to my dream of being a MILF.

All the begging, pleading, and broken promises only got me 82 votes (which really was quite an accomplishment), but not enough to beat out the hundreds and thousands of votes that the other bitches got. I heard there was cheating, that's all I'm saying. No hard feelings.

So I was NOT QUITE HOT ENOUGH for their calendar, but I'm just big enough a loser for the NOT QUITE HOT ENOUGH BLOGGER CALENDAR- fellow sore losers, Happy Hour Sue and McMommy's alcohol induced brainchild. In an effort to reminisce on the days when we had it going on- to give the little "not hot" people a chance to be seen and heard!

EVERYONE can and must participate! Current picture, old picture, it doesn't matter. If I am unclear, which is certainly possible, likely, go here, they can explain it better.

In all honesty, it started off funny, but I have a theory.

Everyone is their own worst critic. As I was reading through the entries this morning, I saw pictures of the young them (their 'hot' pics) and then their current pictures (older, tired, more stressed). I have to tell you, I honestly think they looked better in the 'afters'. The wisdom, added responsibility, marriage, kids, whatever it was- their perception of worn and no longer "hot" was more real and more attractive- and it's always good to hear that- since sometimes when we look in the mirror we might not feel it.

So that got me thinking, that this could be huge. This could turn out to be a great affirmation tool! Out here in the blogosphere (and in the real world) we're always second guessing ourselves, feeling self- conscious, and our insecurities are being exposed. All we want is a little reassurance to make us feel better.

My underlining theme this week, along with porn, has been to spread the love and pay it forward and give each other a boost. This is just what we need! So gather your hot picture and get them over there so we can all go tell you how awesome and hot you are!!!

But before you leave... watch this little gem!

Girl on Girl Action, Stroking, and Boobs Bouncing

If you are interested in the title and came here from a google search- sorry- I'm a total tease. It's kind of an experiment- not experimentation- like in college, but testing a theory of abstract reasoning. Then again, if you were searching for 'boobs bouncing', you might not understand any of them there big words- sorry, you can go!

If I haven't scared you off yet, bless you! So, how fun was that yesterday? Maybe not for you, but for me- (maybe for you though, because I did give you that opportunity to please yourself and all!)

I pulled some people out of hiding and got some new faces to comment and I have more people on my "Followers" list, too, woo- hoo! Some of you asked what that means- well- you've sold your soul to the devil. No, I don't think that's it- I really don't know. I'm just horribly superficial and to me, it's a status thing, what can I say!

Another wonderful thing that came out of yesterday's post- I have a new best friend! Sorry, Ladies and Gents (sometimes there's a token dude or two here- and I heart them, too, so I can't leave them out)- I have a new bloggy buddy that I'm totally smitten with! She has graciously stroked my ego over at her blog today, talked about my boobs bouncing (or something), and linked me like 200 times in the post. Linking = LOVE- that's all I'm saying!

Cheryl, The Daily Blonde, is a little too good for me. Actually- she's totally slumming with me, really- she's so very gorgeous (WAY MILF), has 5 kids (trumping my 4) and is tech savvy! She made me this!


I would have to glue a sequin on a piece of paper, write the words with marker and take a picture of it and then post it (first I would have to have batteries in my camera)- that might have actually been entertaining-too bad!

She led me to this to find out my "Cuss Rate"- FINALLY, maybe a contest I can win!( Be careful, if you go- they direct you to Mingle2- which, if you're like me, and God help you, but if you're like me and you just fill out info when they ask for it, you, too may be confused when they ask if you are looking for a man or a woman- wasn't sure exactly what that had anything to do with how much I cussed, but they assured me that they would find me a good man- I'll have to warn my husband!)

Anyway, my cuss rate is 52.4%- that's not that bad, SHIT! I don't know how they figure that. It's not like I cuss 52% of the time- what am I a fucking sailor? If they had a category for "mommy blogs", I'm thinking I might be at the top of the list- I mean, my 3 year old says "Fuck it"!

Cheryl and I are both on a mission to decrease that damn "Bounce Rate" and become popular! So go see my new friend and boobs better be the only thing bouncing over there!

My Random Dirty Thoughts for the Day- Masturbation

Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy's husband was quoted saying "blog like no one is reading".

I love that! First, the fact that her husband said that- how freaking supportive he must be of her addiction habit hobby. Secondly, that's a great way to go about blogging, in my opinion. You can't please all the people all the time- so take care of yourself. Yes, I just gave you permission to "please yourself"- go ahead, I'll wait!

It's easier said than done (not pleasing yourself, but blogging like no one is reading). Although, I write what I want and the way I want, it is always in the back of my mind, that someone might be reading. Though recently, from sparse comments, it seemed that the wise advice "blog like no one is reading" wasn't much of a stretch for me!

There are some posts that you write just to you fill your 'postly obligation'. Then there are some that you think, well if I do say so myself, that ain't bad! Never fail, the ones that I don't care for are the ones that get commented like crazy. While the ones that I am pretty proud of sink like Bubba's trailer in the Ike's wave surge! I just don't get it!

Which brought me back to the ever loving Google Analytics! I learn that, except on weekends, I still have a consistent viewing of about 100 people a day. Not a lot to many, but a lot for me, dammit! So, I wonder why I only get the 10ish comments. THEN, I discover this "Bounce Rate" - which can I say, sucks my ass (blog like no one is reading, right?)

Apparently these are the asshats and perverts that are trying to figure out how to "rock with their tampon out", or that "love watching their step mom in the shower" or are in search of Beebs (hopefully Boobs) and MILF porn!!! And though I am a people pleaser, upon their first glance at my blog- I am not pleasing them and they run away screaming leave my site! They don't even give me a chance! Maybe I will put a 'catchy word' in each of my post titles and see how that grabs them (thus the need for masturbation in this title- 'need for masturbation'- that's good!) Hell, maybe they can't read, I don't know. BUT MY BOUNCE RATE IS 70 FREAKING %!!!

So, I will now impress you with impeccable math skills... 100 hits / Bounce rate of 70%= 30 people that actually read this shit. (I suck!) 30 people that pity me/avg 10 comments per post. I am pleasing 1 out of every 3 people- or pissing them off enough to comment- tomato- tomauto! Not a bad average, not a great average.

There is the small detail that I don't allow 'anonymous' comments. Sorry if this leaves you out, but I heard once upon a time that being open to anonymous comments opens up your computer to viruses and bugs. I once changed my 'comments status' to go straight into my inbox and was inundated with penis enlarging e-mails and I just wasn't in the market at the time. (Get a google account- it's a few damn buttons that you have to press- if I can do it... psh! Then you can go off on me all you want- I don't care- I'm not afraid- bring it on!)

Short of flashing "my rack" (I'm #23) on my header to keep these people's attention... I'm out of ideas. How do you get noticed out here? Ok, so maybe I get why I don't fit in with the 'mommy blogs'- but moms do have a sense of humor, don't they?

It's kind of like me in real life. I have a handful of really great friends that I have had forever, but I don't know that I've made a real 'friend' in the last 15 years (aside from blogging)! Face it, everyone wants to be the popular kid- don't they? I'm no exception. I was never able to do it in real life (become popular, that is) and it's not really going that way out here in the blogosphere, either. I am really thankful for the great friends I have met!

If you like me, you will 'Follow Me' (upper right hand corner) because I'm needy, seriously, and I like to see friendly faces on my page when I come to it!!!

And because I care- a moment of silence for someone that stopped in here (look at Feedjit Map to the right)------->... it appears they are in the middle of the Ocean! Or is that Alaska- OH CRAP- Is Sarah Palin reading this? I'm screwed!!!

It's the end of the world, I'm sorry!

OK, so I have bit of a fascination with natural disasters. I don't know why and I assume it's probably NOT a good thing so no psycho babble necessary, thanks anyway.

I've sat up all hours of the night watching news commentators get their toupees blown off while holding onto a light post. No way, am I the only one entertained by this! I find it hilarious that they WANT to be there. You know those reporters are doing rock-paper-scissors to be 'the chosen one' who gets to report from the area smack dab in the 'cone of death'!

I mean, come on, it's interesting, but let me watch it on my HDTV flat screen, while curled up on my comfy couch, with my fuzzy blanket, while eating Ben & Jerry's Vermonty Python (new earth-shattering discovery- coffee liqueur ice cream with chocolate chunks and Oreo- after eating it, I felt slightly drunk and my chocolate craving was satisfied- but I digress!)

I mean getting blown (yeah, that didn't sound right), getting wet (yeah, that didn't either)- standing in the middle of a hurricane with 100mph winds and rain slapping you silly just doesn't sound appealing to me!

Then you see all of the destruction in the aftermath. Again, fascinating, less funny, sure, but still fascinating. Initially, you feel so awful for the people whose life will have to be built back up from a pile of soggy crap and your heart aches, for a minute.. . until the reporters find the biggest redneck, toothless, illiterate, Billy Bob to interview.

He is puzzled how his trailer- that was in a flood plane- 2 feet off of the water- could have been washed away to smithereens along with all of his Nascar memorabilia and Old Milwaukee can collection! "I just don't know what happened?" Don'cha???

I know that there are people out there that are true victims and I do really feel sorry for them. I wish I could hear some of their stories. But I guess, Bubba's story has more 'entertainment value'.

Well, my fascination with natural disasters came a little too close to home this weekend- karma... I don't know? St. Louis, in the middle of the country, not tropical, at all, got hit by "Tropical Depression Ike"! We got 6 inches of rain in a matter of hours and had issues of "flash flooding" all over the place!




THIS IS ST.LOUIS THIS WEEKEND!!!

My basement flooded, not that huge of a deal since it's a nasty dungeon crappy unfinished basement anyway. As the flood waters receded (never thought I'd say that!) the only test and possible damage will be just how well "preserved" my preserved wedding gown actually was. Who knows when and if I'll ever find out- if any of my daughters take pity on me and want to reuse my dress and if they don't turn out to be lesbians!

In conclusion, my obsession with hurricanes willed a tropical storm to the middle of the country killing 3 people (one woman was taking her dog out and got hit in the head by a tree- I am never taking the dog out again!). Clearly I have caused havoc on the world and I must be stopped. No more CNN and Weather Channel for me. I guess I'll have to just stick to watching politics and FOX News ('cause that's not real news anyway- fair and balanced, my ass!).

My Republican friends, I kid, can't we just all get along?

Finally, freaks find me from Google!

I have been watching The Weather Channel, CNN, and FOX News for minute to minute coverage of Hurricane Ike. I'm not quite sure what my deal is, but am confident that my obsession with natural disasters is officially a sickness!

So for the few minutes that I could pull myself away from the television and do my obligational blog surfing, I find that a lot of people are making posts out of their Google Analytics (GA) Keywords.

I hooked up GA for just this reason! I heard people's blogs were being searched for the freaking funniest searches ever!!! For two months now, I've been sadly disappointed in my Keyword searches and apparently my ability to write posts that lead some very sick people to my posts (that is probably a little wrong of me- but I find it entertaining!)

So, finally, today, I have found some that are somewhat, post worthy, yeah for sick perverted people!

***Taking Tums with Xanax?

(not that funny, but very much a recurring theme on my searches. It's a real problem out there and people need answers and I guess I'm kind of an expert!)

***Beebs Porn

(SOOOO not funny, since Beebs is the "blog" name I use for my 3 year old! I'm truly hoping that the class act redneck meant to type "Boobs porn"!)

***Tired of him not caring about my needs in bed

(again, not really funny, but a recurring theme. Several searches for this one, but I'm not sure at all why they were directed to my site! I have never gone there!!!- but then I saw this one...)

***Bondage Therapy Service

(Oh, that's why!- well, I guess I am an expert, then)

***Love to look at my step mom in the shower

(WTF??? I don't know what else to say, but WTF? I am truly concerned for that person!)

***Rockin with my tampon out

(granted, this probably directed to me from a royally fucked up dream that I mentioned in a post, but in my context, you knew it was a DREAM and I wasn't "rockin"- I'm just puzzled by this- it brings a blur of several weird images to my mind that are just wrong!)


AND FINALLY, the one that I am most proud of...

***MILF Redtube

(For those good folks out there, Redtube is an online free porn site- it's all the rage- my husband told me! And MILF is what I aspire to be- that since I am married and can't be a cougar. Judge me, if you may, I am gleaming with pride over this one!!!)

Friday Fragments

I don't know how it works out, but, never fail, everything falls into place for Friday Fragments. Maybe Mrs.4444 planned it this way- she is a smarty pants teacher, after all! I think I must have this sticker on my back from the second I walk out the door on Friday...
And voila... Friday Fragments...
***With Hurricane Ike bearing down on Texas, usually we would have calm weather in the Midwest, but NO. Thunderstorms came upon us at about 4AM. Beebs is not a fan of storms. She ended up in bed with us. I am not of fan of Beebs in bed with us. Call me crazy, but I'm not a fan of her kicking me in my boobs and my face.
*** Apparently, Murphy, the puppy, is also not a fan of storms. He started crying around the same time as Beebs joined us in bed. I booted myself to the couch so the cry baby puppy could see me and would stop his whining before he woke up the rest of the house.
***I overdosed on CNN & MSNBC between the hours of 4-6. I woke up in a stupor at 7:05 with just enough energy to prepare 3 kids' lunches.
***I walked out of the door to take the kids to school in the clothes I slept in. Royal blue t-shirt with bleach spots (and no bra), navy blue bike shorts with paint stains (and what pair of bking shorts are NOT flattering!) and pink socks -Oh yeah- I'm all that and a bag of chips at bedtime roarrrrrr! Too bad for you, my camera is out of batteries!
*** Cue olive green Crocs and thank god for automatic doors and drop off procession at school- no need to get out of the car and risk a fashion police summons and sheer humiliation.
***The teacher that helps at the "drop off" line decided to IGNORE my automatic doors, stopping it halfway through the door opening! The door got stuck and made a funny zipping sound causing an odd door seizure and, literally, stopping it in its track. I tried to drive away, but ultimately I could not ignore the fact that MY DOOR WAS OPEN! So me, in all my pajama glory, had to get OUT OF MY CAR- while causing a slight traffic jam in the school line and having all of the parents that were dressed in actual clothes starring at me! I wrestled my door shut and made my kids so proud!

I will remember...

Seven years ago, I had a 10 month old that was going through a bad habit of waking at 4:30AM- screaming for a bottle. I had a routine of going to her room in a zombie state, bottle in hand, and feeding her as I sat in the rocking chair in her room. Not being a morning person, the broken sleep was more than I could stand. I stumbled my way back to my bed and cozied in. My husband would leave for work at 5:30, right as I was getting the baby and myself back to sleep.

My 5 year old was just a few days away from starting Kindergarten. Luckily, I had trained him well enough to pour cereal and turn on cartoons for he and his 2 year old sister as I caught up on my beauty sleep!

I remember the clock read 7:58 (Central time) and the phone rang. I remember cursing my husband in my mind for dare waking me out of my slumber before my babysitter, Dora the Explorer's time was up. I'm sure my tone of voice was not welcoming to my neighbor, a friend and fellow stay at home mom, who was actually on the other end of the phone.

She asked if I was watching TV. I recall trying to 'play off' the fact that I was sound asleep while my kids fend for themselves. I'm, uh, cleaning, the television is on Nickelodeon, but no, I'm not watching it, why?

She goes on to say that she assumed that I was watching kid's TV, like her, and that I probably had no idea of what was going on. Her husband had just called her and told her to turn on the news- that the World Trade Center had just been hit by an airplane.

Let me say that I was relatively young, very naive, non-political and a horribly ignorant Midwestern. I didn't even know what the World Trade Center was. I turned on the TV and was immediately enthralled in the tragedy. I had no idea what any of it meant, at that point, but I couldn't take my eyes off of it and wanted to learn.

My husband called shortly after my neighbor. He had been in a class and was given a 15 minute break and caught the news. He is a history nut and a policeman. I remember two things he said... 1.) The people in this class don't care, they don't get it! 2.) You know this means we're at war, right?

He was horribly disturbed by the fact that his class continued on after a short break- even with the knowledge of what had happened. This was still shortly after the first plane hit. There were still reporters justifying the acts as 'a possible accident'. I didn't know any better, they could have been right, for all I knew. But, my husband, the conspiracy theorist, knew- from that first moment. I dismissed him, at first, as I usually do. Then, I watched the second plane hit as I was living and breathing!

The news commentators slowly began unraveling the dark, ugly truth that we have all come to know today. I sat in front of the television for 48 hours straight- I may have dozed off for a couple hours here and there, but as the facts, personal stories, and gritty emotion poured out of, otherwise monotonous anchors, I couldn't pull myself away.

In my little part of the world, I was relatively unscathed, on a personal basis. However, one of my neighbors, Kelly, had a brother that had a business meeting at the World Trade Center that morning. He had flown from Kansas City that morning and Kelly had spoken to him after the first plane hit- all was well. He hadn't arrived at the designation, yet, but hung around and still planned to make his meeting, after all had been cleared.

After the second plane hit, Kelly felt confident that he was out of harm's way. She still made efforts to call him on his cell phone to make sure. A stranger answered his cell phone which was lying on the streets of New York. Some members of her family spent the next week in New York hospitals in the 'search' for the missing and unidentified that we all so eerily remember being pasted up and down the city's scape. Sadly, within days, they learned that he had been hit on the street by a large piece of flying debris from the second plane's entrance and killed.

I remember our neighborhood having a candlelight vigil and Kelly breaking down and falling to her knees. I remember all of us rushing to help her up and comfort her, as nearly impossible as that was. I remember the goose bumps, the tears, and the helplessness I felt were overwhelming. I remember the new found feeling of patriotism- the pride I felt with every flag that lined our streets. I remember the anger and the uncertainty of our future as Americans.

I cried a lot and hugged my kids more. This was my "JFK" moment. I would always know "where I was when...".

Age

I feel old today. My 36th birthday is in 2 weeks and I either have a urinary tract infection or my sciatica is acting up. Next thing you know, I'll be complaining by my corns and cataracts- God help me!

I have never had an issue with age, really. It's always just been a number. But now that the number will technically be closer to 40 than 30, I'm not really digging it!

The details of my life have certainly changed, but I have not. My mind, my sense of humor, my insecurities have all stayed the same as when I was 13! I guess that could be a good or bad thing.

A zest for life - laughter, joy, the basic need to have fun and be entertained knows no age boundaries. The way these are achieved, I suppose, changes. I used to hang out with friends and watch 'Friends'. Now I tweet and blog and watch CNN and Bravo. Is that an oxymoron? Or is it just the times? Who knows?

Hopefully I have matured and gained some knowledge, though that could be questionable. Certainly, I have gained some unwanted wrinkles, stretch marks and weight that make the age thing undeniable. I have fought them with a good fight. I have a bathroom cabinet full of face and eye creams that could rival any day spa. I have gained the knowledge to know that I have wasted a lot of my money on those things!

Blogging is a beautiful thing (unlike me in the red polyester jumpsuit!)! Age is not a boundary. I can alienate and entertain people regardless of age! When I first referred to my "70's" party- I heard from a couple of people that said they weren't even born in the 70's- GULP! My mind immediately assumed they were like 12- because, 1.) I'm not good at math and 2.) I kind of feel like time has stood still.

I hope I am mature enough to understand my limits when it comes to my writing. Blogging has also made me reconsider that. I have a tendency to be too honest. I know that. That won't change, but if you are insulted or throw up a little in your mouth from something I say, you can let me know. I think it's good for me to know and it can help me grow, hopefully not larger or older, just in a metaphoric way!

BOOGIE OOGIE OOGIE

You asked- you shall receive... fair warning... polyester- not forgiving... fruity drinks ('nuf said)... wigs- not flattering, but short hair- not conducive to the seventies... ENJOY and you're welcome for not having any dignity!



JUST GETTING STARTED

STARTING TO GET OUR GROOVE ON

IT STARTED TO RAIN AND I WAS TRYING DESPERATELY AND DRUNKENLY TO HOLD UP AN UMBRELLA (WITHOUT A STAND)TO PROTECT MY KARAOKE EQUIPMENT

I WAS GETTING MY GROOVE ON BY THIS POINT. I HAD OFFICIALLY LOST THE ABILITY TO "SUCK IT IN"!

SURELY, THEY WERE LAUGHING WITH ME AND NOT AT ME-I CAN PRETEND!

Not so Great Party Update!

It's taking me a while to gather my thoughts and compile my "after party" post. A few reasons...

*** I had a record 13 cancellations the day of the party!!! So, that was a total bummer. I've become quite paranoid schizophrenic, thinking that "E-vite" has something against me and must have put a footnote at the bottom telling everyone NOT to come because I'm a loser!

*** I was embarassed that there weren't many people in attendance and am sick of people not revolving their lives around me- is that so hard?. Also because of my 'people pleasing' tendencies and I wanted those who came dressed up to not feel like a bunch of dorks! I hope they all know that they are now all my very best friends!!!

***My 'go to' drunk party pal "T" came down sick and stayed home. So I want everyone to gather their voodoo dolls and stick a pin in her neck well wishes that she's feeling better! I love her dearly, but frankly am disappointed and was looking forward to exploiting her drunk ass on this blog and she totally let me down. If she's reading, I would like a doctor's note for her absence.

***The fruity drinks were flowing freely and I've been recovering. I'm pretty sure that the 8 people here had fun!

***I dropped the ball on the photography front. I will blame that on the fruity drinks, and am waiting for my other guests to send me their pictures...

These are a few of the ones I actually took...


This is "J"- I awarded him biggest balls 'best dressed'... he stopped by the grocery store before coming to our house and had people sneaking pictures of him on their cell phones! You got to love a man that can wear an afro!!!


Then there's my skinny bitch baby sister. When everyone was cancelling on me, I threatened her with bodily harm if she did not show up- I could totally take her skinny ass and she knows it! Thanks little sis for heeding my warning and rocking the karaoke!

Friday Fragments- party edition!

I'm loving "Friday Fragments"- here's an idea- I should just name every post "Fragments"- or not. But Mrs. 4444, is at least giving me the opportunity to not feel like such a lunatic on Fridays by giving it a name- yay!

I work better under pressure she said as she reaches for her medication. The 'to do' list is getting longer and what am I doing? Sitting at my computer like the big fat loser that I am!

I have, oh, I don't know, 5, 10, 15, 20 people coming over tomorrow night for the Seventies party? Your guess is as good as mine! For some reason, people don't RSVP!!! Personally, if I don't RSVP, it's because I feel bad or guilty that I can't (or don't want to) make it to an event- an avoidance, if you will. Spare my feelings, people! I have a party to plan! Should I have snacks and beverages for 5 or 40? My grocery trip today was a guessing game! All I knew was booze. I likes me a fruity drink, so I bought a nice assortment that, if nothing else, I will enjoy!

I am counting on my good friend "T" to show up and get so drunk that she will entertain everyone (or just me)- it's a gift she has! "T" (who occasionally reads this and hasn't completely disowned me as a friend- now that's love)- don't let me down- remember- I have 4 extra beds waiting for you and your drunk ass!

My dog smells like, well, he smells like a wet dirty dog that had to go pee and poop in the pouring rain all day yesterday. I don't do well with smells and I don't think my house smells. However, I am very self-conscious that my nose may be getting used to his smell. So, I crated him up and shipped him off to the groomers today. While he's there, if I ever get my ass off of this computer chair, I plan on cleaning my house from top to bottom.

I borrowed a chocolate fountain from my mom's neighbor and am so excited to use it. Stay tuned, there might be pictures of a fruitliciously drunk disco diva covered in chocolate doing karaoke- just sayin'!

I got my outfit for the weekend and it is size "8" that I ordered online. I was very nervous. An "8" in 1970-pfff- fughettaboutit! An "8" by today's standards, maybe, on a good non- bloated, really tight spandex- Spanx undergarment day. Luckily for me, I think it was a 2008 size 8. However, bright red polyester skin tight jumpsuit- not so forgiving- but it zipped! I will just have to do my damnedest to nip and tuck everything in with as little lumps and bumps possible!

So wish me luck! I know you'll be sitting on the edge of your seat for fuzzy photo scrapbook memories of the weekend! Let's hope I remember how to use the camera and there's someone here other than me and my husband- that could get ugly!

Random=me

OK, so I'm weird. That was pretty much the consensus on my completely screwed up dream. No big surprises, just morning after regrets, nothing new there, either. So you shouldn't be surprised at the randomness of this post- deal with it...

I promised no more political blogging, so, I ask you... what was I thinking by watching the Republican National Convention??? Maybe I wanted to get some new ideas for wacky Americana hats- because they definitely tapped that market and are winning in that category! Or maybe I wanted to take a gander at the hotties in Sarah Palin's family- yowza! Her husband, son, and Bristol's baby daddy has got it going on! I've always heard about the men out-numbering the women in Alaska, but I didn't know they looked like that- I imagined more of a Grizzly Adams sort of fellow.

As far as the 'politics' of it- I am trying to hold my tongue, I really am. I decided to let it all out on Twitter last night, so you're all safe.

It's raining cats and dogs here today thanks to Gustav finally making his way to the butthole of the country. I've heard something in the range of 5 inches and flash flooding possible. But as ugly as it is outside, I remember why I do love the Midwest- variety.

As much as I like sun, swimming and sweating my ass off- I love me some fat clothes. With all of the rain, a chill in the air also moved through. Putting on a nice cozy sweater today was comforting, like a long lost friend! A friend that doesn't mind the muffin top, need a special bra, or sucking it in- I missed you, my dear friends, sweaters! I can't wait to visit our long lost buddies- sweatshirts!

In another completely unrelated story... I was sitting on the toilet going pee and Beebs walks in (privacy shmivacy!) and asks me to tie her drawstring on her pants. As I use both hands to tie, she says in a worried little voice, "you aren't going to fall in?" (Since she has to use her hands to keep her little butt from falling in)- No my sweet adoring child- mommy's ass is large enough that if it got in I would NEVER be getting up! Her distorted proportion is just another reason why I love Beebs and just want to eat her up!

Worse than politics!

You can't please all the people all the time. Ok, I get it. I knew after I pressed the "publish" button yesterday that it may have been a mistake. I know I don't have Special Services on my side for protection- so basically, I'm screwed. I'm aware of my "proud woman" card nearing revocation. I am now aware of possibly some more 'conservative' readers than I knew- yikes! Let's just chalk that up to 10MG of Klonepin and 64 ounces of coffee and call it a day. Please come back! I vow to not speak of politics or religion again, deal? Unless, of course, it's just too good to resist- I mean, come on!

I'm afraid you might be longing for my political rant after some of the crazy shit that's going through my head today...OH SO Random thoughts that make absolutely no sense together on the same page... but here goes...

***I have a painful sore on the inside of my nose. I am not picking my nose in the traditional sense. I am trying to pick the scab off because, crap, it hurts! Please keep this in mind if you ever see a disheveled woman who appears to be picking her nose!

***Thank God for regular cartoons returning. Sponge Bob has been the soundtrack of my life for the last 3 months and I was afraid I was going to have to make a vigilante trip to Bikini Bottom and take him out! Who'd a thunk I would welcome Yo Gabba Gabba, Wonderpets, and Backyardigans back into my living room, but we all need a little variety!

***I'm rocking the 'skinny jean' today- not because I can rock them or that it's 93 degrees out today, but because I have not shaved my legs in 4 days! My shower still has a gaping hole in it and is unusable. Yes, I have other showers but I am a creature of habit- thus making me a creature of another kind with fur on my legs!
They are wrinkly because they have been shoved on a shelf since I bought them at Target for $4.48 last season- are they coming back this season or am I screwed out of $4.48?
***My handyman (dad) will not be able to fix this one with caulk (his tool of choice), unfortunately. I tried to put my little mishap in perspective because of the hurricane and all, but they were spared, and I still have a big hole in my shower- so much for a positive attitude! I just have to remind drunk people dressed up like hippies on Saturday to NOT THROW UP IN THE MASTER BATHROOM SHOWER!
Avert your eyes from the soap scum- dammit!

***And finally, for you dream weavers out there... I had the weirdest dream last night... I was out to lunch with my step mom and had to go to the bathroom (with tampon in hand). The tampon was too large and wouldn't 'go in'. As I struggled with it, the diamond from my earring fell onto the floor of the bathroom stall. I was having a hard time deciding whether to continue my battle with the tampon or look on the nasty floor for my diamond. I found the diamond and was relieved to have an excuse (the diamond) to tell my step mom why I was in the bathroom so long. All the while, the tampon was horribly uncomfortable! WTF? Right?

So, I warned you. My head- you do NOT want to go there!

A political rant- so unlike me!

No, I don't care that Sarah Palin's daughter is pregnant. I do, however, think that she's horribly unqualified to be vice president and John McCain was smoking crack and just wanted a pretty face to look at. Seriously, what the fuck was he thinking? I'm looking for a job too, John! My youngest kid is 3- so she pretty much takes care of herself and she doesn't have special needs, except for the occasional profanity!

And what the fuck was Palin thinking by accepting? Did she just get excited at the prospect without knowing what is really involved? This isn't Mrs. America- it's the Vice President of America! Doesn't she have more important things to do like take care of her 4 month old baby and soon to be grandchild- 'cause let's be honest- she will be having a hand in the rearing of that child!

McCain wants the 'woman' vote that was so disenfranchised after Hillary was out. So, just the fact that she has a vagina means that we are supposed to vote for her??? She stands for everything that Hillary did NOT! Do they really think women are that stupid?

She is Pro-Life. I applaud that she has her beliefs and passion- good for her! Tell me, though, how will that help you run my country? When 72 year old McCain kicks the bucket, which is certainly possible, will she and all of her NRA buddies go and line the streets at Planned Parenthood? Then magically, the economy, foreign affairs, health care, and the environment will all fall into God's good graces, right? The recession that the Republicans have been in denial of will disappear. The mortgage crisis- solved! Hallelujah!

I'm not a political person, which may be abundantly clear by some factual discrepancies here. I have been watching far too much CNN and need an intervention! Please don't send me any hate mail- blame it on the new meds- that always works!