Tuesday, September 16, 2008

My Random Dirty Thoughts for the Day- Masturbation

Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy's husband was quoted saying "blog like no one is reading".

I love that! First, the fact that her husband said that- how freaking supportive he must be of her addiction habit hobby. Secondly, that's a great way to go about blogging, in my opinion. You can't please all the people all the time- so take care of yourself. Yes, I just gave you permission to "please yourself"- go ahead, I'll wait!

It's easier said than done (not pleasing yourself, but blogging like no one is reading). Although, I write what I want and the way I want, it is always in the back of my mind, that someone might be reading. Though recently, from sparse comments, it seemed that the wise advice "blog like no one is reading" wasn't much of a stretch for me!

There are some posts that you write just to you fill your 'postly obligation'. Then there are some that you think, well if I do say so myself, that ain't bad! Never fail, the ones that I don't care for are the ones that get commented like crazy. While the ones that I am pretty proud of sink like Bubba's trailer in the Ike's wave surge! I just don't get it!

Which brought me back to the ever loving Google Analytics! I learn that, except on weekends, I still have a consistent viewing of about 100 people a day. Not a lot to many, but a lot for me, dammit! So, I wonder why I only get the 10ish comments. THEN, I discover this "Bounce Rate" - which can I say, sucks my ass (blog like no one is reading, right?)

Apparently these are the asshats and perverts that are trying to figure out how to "rock with their tampon out", or that "love watching their step mom in the shower" or are in search of Beebs (hopefully Boobs) and MILF porn!!! And though I am a people pleaser, upon their first glance at my blog- I am not pleasing them and they run away screaming leave my site! They don't even give me a chance! Maybe I will put a 'catchy word' in each of my post titles and see how that grabs them (thus the need for masturbation in this title- 'need for masturbation'- that's good!) Hell, maybe they can't read, I don't know. BUT MY BOUNCE RATE IS 70 FREAKING %!!!

So, I will now impress you with impeccable math skills... 100 hits / Bounce rate of 70%= 30 people that actually read this shit. (I suck!) 30 people that pity me/avg 10 comments per post. I am pleasing 1 out of every 3 people- or pissing them off enough to comment- tomato- tomauto! Not a bad average, not a great average.

There is the small detail that I don't allow 'anonymous' comments. Sorry if this leaves you out, but I heard once upon a time that being open to anonymous comments opens up your computer to viruses and bugs. I once changed my 'comments status' to go straight into my inbox and was inundated with penis enlarging e-mails and I just wasn't in the market at the time. (Get a google account- it's a few damn buttons that you have to press- if I can do it... psh! Then you can go off on me all you want- I don't care- I'm not afraid- bring it on!)

Short of flashing "my rack" (I'm #23) on my header to keep these people's attention... I'm out of ideas. How do you get noticed out here? Ok, so maybe I get why I don't fit in with the 'mommy blogs'- but moms do have a sense of humor, don't they?

It's kind of like me in real life. I have a handful of really great friends that I have had forever, but I don't know that I've made a real 'friend' in the last 15 years (aside from blogging)! Face it, everyone wants to be the popular kid- don't they? I'm no exception. I was never able to do it in real life (become popular, that is) and it's not really going that way out here in the blogosphere, either. I am really thankful for the great friends I have met!

If you like me, you will 'Follow Me' (upper right hand corner) because I'm needy, seriously, and I like to see friendly faces on my page when I come to it!!!

And because I care- a moment of silence for someone that stopped in here (look at Feedjit Map to the right)------->... it appears they are in the middle of the Ocean! Or is that Alaska- OH CRAP- Is Sarah Palin reading this? I'm screwed!!!



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41 comments:

McMommy said...

Ok, so THAT'S what the bounce rate is??? I swear I never knew. Not only do you enlighten us with pics of your rack, you bestow much blogging education upon us. And for both, we are thankful.

Tami said...

So sorry for not showing some comment love. I have been suffering from blogging/comment block for several weeks, but I have you in my google reader and check on you every day :)


"Is that Sarah Palin?" -- ROFLMAO

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

If you can't beat em' join em'. In this case I can beat you because my Bounce rate is 71.13%.

Speaking of Bounce I now have the Zapp & Roger song "More Bounce to the Ounce" stuck in my head.

Patrice said...

Lol! Bounce rates are so depressing aren't they!? Just when you think people like you that horrible number is like laughing in your face proving you wrong! Grr! I'm impressed you actually did the math.. I don't have the patience for that. Plus it would probably be really depressing!

The Mom said...

I am still laughing at the comment on my site that totally peaked my interest in this post! My hubby and masterbation all in the first half of the story! LOL!!

Love ya and those BEWBS!

georgie said...

ok i finally got GA but how the hell do i interpet it LOL oh and i am soooooo following you!

Honeybell said...

Well I'm reading everyday, usually in a reader. Because I'm lazy.

Now I have to go check my bounce rate. Dammit.

Honeybell said...

OK-I'm back . . . I checked my bounce rate and got so so so sad, and almost deleted my blog in despair.

BUT THEN, I did some investigating. Most blogs are going to have a high bounce rate, especially if there are return visitors. It's only a measurement of folks getting all up in your archives. Daily readers aren't going to do that, I think you can assume more folks are reading you than 30!

Cora said...

lol ... Aloha from Oahu! Gotta admit I'm a lurker. I'm Cora, originally from Germany, stationend with hubby in the Army in Hawaii but moving soon back to the mainland. 3 years on this rock is way enough!!

amelia bedelia said...

Well, THAT M word got my attention! Maybe some freak out there read your post, too and you made a new follower. I enjoy reading you everyday!! That alaska comment is probably from Kritta22 (krista). She is an alaskan girl. If Sarah was reading, I'm sure she would have left you a commentm cuz you said such nice things about her!

Annie said...

As a new blogger, I think it is easier to "please myself" than blog like no one else is reading. Why? Because practically no one else is reading! I'd take 70%! Your funny... I can't wait to see your rack.

Blessings From Above said...

Talking about masturbation, your rack and Sarah Palin in one post?!?! Priceless and sure to bring you a ton of new readers! Who I am sure will all love ya like I do. :)

Tiffany said...

I'm following you now you whiny bitch! LOL

Manic Mom said...

I guess I need to start talking dirty on my blog, what do you think? If it get's more blog stalkers.....why not? HA HA

jill jill bo bill said...

Hi Jenn,
Sarah Palin here. Just called Jill to comment for me since I am flying and can't use my computer. But I can my phone. I like your spunk. I think in real life we would be friends. I think you are funny and cute enough to hang with me. Let Jill know when we can all do lunch. Just give me chance for the love of Gawd!

Shandra said...

Hello from waaayyyy over here in Singapore!!! :) I am an American mom who LOVES to read your blog daily-you make me laugh!!! :) I am also a lurker, and don't usually comment, but needed to now stand up WAVE MY ARMS FROM way over here and say "HI!!!" I don't have the google reader on my blog, too afraid to see the 2 or 3 readers I might have (that aren't related to me). :)

Deb said...

Here's a question, do you think Sarah Palin masturbates, or is she too conservative for that?

I'm a follower!! For the record, I wish I had 100 hits a day.

You rock!!!

Kelly said...

wow, way to to get the lurkers out of the closet! Me? nope I've never been here but you got me to comment because #1 you commented on mine #2 you made me laugh and #3 with a pitiful post about the lack of comment love I had to!

I'll be posting tomorrow with my plea for comments in my Blogging Ettiquete (can't even spell the word) post.

Don't get jacked about the bounce rate just yet. Get jacked when you have one visitor a day and it is your aunt!

Cheryl said...

OK, so let the bouncers go masturbate. The hell with the bounce rate. Mine was 65%...that means I've got a lot of people who think I suck, too.
I love your blog and your style. I didn't look but I think you're half my age or something close to that. When you're 45, everyone's half your age. I'm glad to see the sarcasm in your writing...it's more fun than reading about someone who has a bounce rate of 1.2%...must be because they are a porn site.
Bouncing to me means they've got no taste. I might not write about the political race or the economy, but I write what's on my mind in REAL life.
All I can say to the people who don't like my blog is "bounce this".
I just found out I have a curse rate of 51% on my blog. I was sort of excited...that means I'm sort of popular in something.

Seriously, keep doing what you do. I'm a fan and now I'm following you. I'll leave you 10 or 20 comments if you need a boost.

:)

PS. I think when I wake up tomorrow I'm going to mention you in my next blog. Something about bouncing....

Cheryl said...

You rock...thanks....registering is a pain in the ASS. I know the tactics...pumping up their #s with a contest. Hmmmmm...maybe we ought to think of a contest and get your numbers rolling. I could use a boost, too. How about "Best REAL LIFE Blogger".... :)

Thanks for voting....I'll lose but I love the badge. ha ha

PS..don't forget to go on my site and grab the "Bitch Day" badge. The site I am on (Fabulously40.com) will add your blog to the sponsor list on bitch day. They have over 5000 members and I love them! :)

Terri said...

I get about 10 readers a day and I've been doing this blogging thing for over three years so I'm either a terrible blogger or you are fantastic and look I'm comment #19 or something so we broke your 10 comment goal - all's well!

Mike Marshall said...

Okay......I'm following you...whatever that means. Couldn't find where a picture of me is on this computer. So I'm one of the outlined people. Peace, Mike.

Eudae-mamia said...

Great - now I have to figure out Google Analytics!

Will this downward spiral through the Seven Circles of blogging damnation ever end?

Em

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

Well your odds are still better than mine...I can't even figure out what I'm reading on GA...but I'm learning.

Soulfully Blonde said...

So, what you're saying is, if we put "alluding to trashy" keywords in our blogs (which sounds like a fun challenge, really!) we will at leasy get weirdos (I got someone once that came via a search for pictures of blondes who had hung themselves! WTF man?????? Thats just SCARY. and someone who has searched for ways to make your nose thinner without surgery. okayyyyy!)...I too have a terrible bouce rate. Lots of hits, maybe one or two sporadic comments. I swear I leave more than I get! lol
Anyhow, I like your sass so I will be adding you to my blogs to follow so I can come back and pester some more. :)

Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) said...

Well, lots of moms specifically have just enough time to read over posts, but by the time they'd like to comment, someone has either:
a)crapped on the wall
b)flunk peanut butter up onto the ceiling
or
c)decided the dog needed to learn how to play daddy's guitar

And, you know, other general mayhem.

LOL

(I'm guilty of reading/not commenting a lot nowadays b/c I just don't have time with everything else, and I use a feed reader, so most of the time, I don't even hit the site! I know! I suck! :-()

Dude, can that map pick up if someone was on a plane? Was someone on you website while they were in the air? Does that qualify you for the mile high club? No? LOL

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood said...

I came here from The Daily Blonde and I LOVED LOVED LOVED your post!

I related to so much of what you wrote. I got so many hits on my post entitled "My Mommy, the Hermaphrodite" that it seriously made me wonder about people. lol

I also struggle with the "blog like no one is reading" thing. Its weird how you can put a lot of effort into a post and think that you are gonna get a lot of comments and then *nothing*. It sucks. It makes me sad. Actually, it makes me want to reach through my screen, shake the readers, and say "what, you think you could do better?!"....not that I have issues or anything. lol

I'm just another needy Mom blogger dropping by to show some love!

Keep it up, girl! You are awesome!

HappyHourSue said...

1.) I thought bounce rate and rack were related.

2.) You made need to post that rack shot on NQHE.

3.) We ARE real friends!!!!!!

4.) honeybell is right - bounce just means you didn't go past the first page - and that's where your current post is.

Yay!

ldybugsammi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ldybugsammi said...

I have no idea what a bounce rate is but I'm here to show you some love and to start stalking you!

ps I dont know how I deleted my first comment!

KellyRae said...

Am I the only one that knows - That dot over the ocean is Hawaii!

Alaska, way north, touches canada...

Lurker here.... Love the blog!

jaime said...

you are complaining about averaging ten comments? FOR SHAME WOMAN! i haven't had but maybe 2 comments (thanks SUE!) since i've come back from my "hiatus". Guess once you take a break everyone forgets about you---well, the 5 people that commented before. LMAO!

i'm just messin w/ ya though. I try to leave some commenting love on every post i read- i am not a good lurker, i must leave my mark! lol

Caroline said...

Always wondering what the bounce rate was. I love your blog...it's real.

365steph said...

First time here and totally rolled on the floor! Thanks Kelly at Something Happened Today for sending me your way, what a treat!

I'll be back fo shizzle, and bounce back rate...crap, I am way behind...i have NO clue what that is!

I love your bravery...

Rochelle said...

Yeah for you! 35th commenter here! My bounce rate is 76.19%! And I don't even allow people to find me through Google searches so I have nothing funny to read after I see that crappy number. I have been in a post slump lately so I totally deserve the 76.19%. Ugh.

Dana said...

Ok, first off, I just checked my GA....on a good day this month I had 64 visits, and my bounce rate....um, yeah, like 78%.

It's ok though. I get it. And I'm so much like you. Although, I did my penis razor post way back before I even knew about GA....the people who've come looking for penis razors really grosses me out! I do know I have a bunch of lurkers out there, I really need to figure out a way to get them to comment.

Great post.

Sogeshirtsguy said...

damn it all my google searching always takes me to your blog. You're a genius.

Mamasphere said...

I never censor the words I use on my blog for fear of the weirdos. I welcome them, too! As long as they don't leave profane comments. Weird comments are fine, though.

This was a great post. I'll be back!

Allison R said...

I read every day - in my reader...I'll make more of an effort to visit your blog and comment. Happy POW!

Kelly said...

did you come by and see how you got 4 links in my post about blogger etiquette?

http://somethingfunnyhappenedtoday.blogspot

Kelly

Chelle said...

So now this is really depressing...I wish I had never known what the Analytics feature was....

Love this post, by the way!