Another peek into my crazy mind

When I wake up at 5:30AM (and I am NOT a morning person) from a nightmare to check my online bill pay- NOT A GOOD SIGN!

I was an Asian gymnast (I have no idea!!!) and my score was negative- very negative. Every performance I did, my score kept declining- plummeting through the negative digits. Finally, my scores were so bad that they pulled me from the competition.

I opened my eyes and assumed that this must have been a premonition of the activity in my checking account. I wasn't too far off. Money is tight. Very tight.

My husband just left for his 3rd day in a row of work!!! But frankly, he's very vulnerable and scaring me. I find myself holding my breathe, waiting to see if he will actually walk out the door or call in.

It may help to know that as of January 3, he was eligible for "retirement". Now, don't go getting your panties all in a bunch before you know the details. His 20 year mark makes him eligible for a 45% retirement- after taxes- that's not even a mortgage payment- nice for doing nothing (and by nothing, I mean pouring butt loads of money into that retirement fund for the last 20 years!), but not enough to live on.

Since I've known him, that was always his goal- retire after 20 years. It was always understood that he would get another job, but what was always up in the air. Usually, he talked about becoming a policeman in another city. Sometimes he toyed with the idea of a security guard, but that would never work. He has too much pride in a being a 'policeman'. Lately with the stresses of his job, he has made mention of not being a policeman anymore at all. Let me add, his dad was a policeman. Then one day, he just up and quit. No one quite knows why. He only did it for about 10 years, but never really did anything ever again except odd jobs that he wouldn't hold down because he was drunk- always. His mom didn't drive and had to take buses or find work from home to support (I use that term gently) 5 kids! When I met them, it was a sad existence. My husband recognized that. He's in such a bad place right now, I'm afraid the same thing will happen (minus the booze- luckily that is not a problem)- that is my biggest fear in a nutshell.

This last year, we planned out to just "coast" through. That had been our plan for years. He would retire and find another job at the same pay (or relatively close), but also be getting the 'pension'. Beebs will be in school in the fall and I will go back to work and eventually everything was just supposed to fall into place.

We have great debt. Nothing irresponsible, a house sale gone bad right when the bottom fell out of the market and living expenses that exceeded our expectations with the move and now medical bills that we SHOULDN'T HAVE!

The stresses of this last year have thrown a kink in our ultimate plan. He has not applied at other jobs. On good days, he talks about it, but hasn't done it yet. On bad days, he talks about just wanting to get a job at McDonald's- I KID YOU NOT! Not that there's anything wrong with that (don't think I haven't considered it), but after the position he has had for 20 years, I know it wouldn't cut it FOR HIM.

He does not love his job. He does not love the people he works with. He does not love the place where he works. He does not love the stress. But he has always bubbled with pride that he is a policeman in a very busy dangerous city. When he runs into people he knew in high school- I see how high he holds his chest (with that glimmer of: and you thought I'd turn out to be nothing in his eye). I'm so afraid that he will make a decision on emotion and end up regretting it.

So long story short, I'm dreaming about Chinese gymnasts and looking for a job.