Monday, January 5, 2009

Another peek into my crazy mind

When I wake up at 5:30AM (and I am NOT a morning person) from a nightmare to check my online bill pay- NOT A GOOD SIGN!

I was an Asian gymnast (I have no idea!!!) and my score was negative- very negative. Every performance I did, my score kept declining- plummeting through the negative digits. Finally, my scores were so bad that they pulled me from the competition.

I opened my eyes and assumed that this must have been a premonition of the activity in my checking account. I wasn't too far off. Money is tight. Very tight.

My husband just left for his 3rd day in a row of work!!! But frankly, he's very vulnerable and scaring me. I find myself holding my breathe, waiting to see if he will actually walk out the door or call in.

It may help to know that as of January 3, he was eligible for "retirement". Now, don't go getting your panties all in a bunch before you know the details. His 20 year mark makes him eligible for a 45% retirement- after taxes- that's not even a mortgage payment- nice for doing nothing (and by nothing, I mean pouring butt loads of money into that retirement fund for the last 20 years!), but not enough to live on.

Since I've known him, that was always his goal- retire after 20 years. It was always understood that he would get another job, but what was always up in the air. Usually, he talked about becoming a policeman in another city. Sometimes he toyed with the idea of a security guard, but that would never work. He has too much pride in a being a 'policeman'. Lately with the stresses of his job, he has made mention of not being a policeman anymore at all. Let me add, his dad was a policeman. Then one day, he just up and quit. No one quite knows why. He only did it for about 10 years, but never really did anything ever again except odd jobs that he wouldn't hold down because he was drunk- always. His mom didn't drive and had to take buses or find work from home to support (I use that term gently) 5 kids! When I met them, it was a sad existence. My husband recognized that. He's in such a bad place right now, I'm afraid the same thing will happen (minus the booze- luckily that is not a problem)- that is my biggest fear in a nutshell.

This last year, we planned out to just "coast" through. That had been our plan for years. He would retire and find another job at the same pay (or relatively close), but also be getting the 'pension'. Beebs will be in school in the fall and I will go back to work and eventually everything was just supposed to fall into place.

We have great debt. Nothing irresponsible, a house sale gone bad right when the bottom fell out of the market and living expenses that exceeded our expectations with the move and now medical bills that we SHOULDN'T HAVE!

The stresses of this last year have thrown a kink in our ultimate plan. He has not applied at other jobs. On good days, he talks about it, but hasn't done it yet. On bad days, he talks about just wanting to get a job at McDonald's- I KID YOU NOT! Not that there's anything wrong with that (don't think I haven't considered it), but after the position he has had for 20 years, I know it wouldn't cut it FOR HIM.

He does not love his job. He does not love the people he works with. He does not love the place where he works. He does not love the stress. But he has always bubbled with pride that he is a policeman in a very busy dangerous city. When he runs into people he knew in high school- I see how high he holds his chest (with that glimmer of: and you thought I'd turn out to be nothing in his eye). I'm so afraid that he will make a decision on emotion and end up regretting it.

So long story short, I'm dreaming about Chinese gymnasts and looking for a job.

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19 comments:

Under the Influence said...

Maybe a security guard AT a McDonald's? Ok, bad joke.

I hope things start looking up!

Ronda's Rants said...

My brother is a cop, my father retired! The stress is incrediable...I don't think most people understand that you see shit almost everyday! I mean shit!
My brother who is a detective and usually isn't in danger anymore was just shot at just before Christmas by a gang member...Our whole family is stressed! I understand...your Hubby needs to see someone now if he hasn't already! It will not hurt his job and it might just save his job!
If he doesn't want to stay anymore...many large companies need help with security...not as a guard but against employee theft, sad but true. My brother has been offered a great job with a large company, great pay and benefits but there was travel involved.
Start with your Hubby's resume...see if you can find a recruiter...Good luck and I will hold you both in my prayers!

♥georgie♥ said...

I think i was one of the judges in your dream...i kid i kid cuz i woulda given you a 10!

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

All I have to offer is a hug...so {{{{HUG}}}}}

Candy said...

I can't tell you the number of times I've awoken from a dream to run check the online checking account balance. I hate those cold sweat events.

My husband is a teacher. He was planning to retire this year, take his pension, with the expectation that he'd be working for the Teacher's Union. Except he didn't get the 3 jobs he applied for, which shocked us both. So I totally understand where you are now. We've struggled for 25 years, it's just not easy to make ends meet on what teachers get paid. Somehow, though, we always manage. But still, the cold sweat nights keep coming.

Hang in there.

Travel Writer said...

Life is about fighting.. Its not a bed of roses. Hopping that things will turn out good..

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

What a weird dream?

I hope your Hubby can find a job that makes him happy. Life's too short to stay stressed out and unhappy. Maybe switching cities will give him less stress and more happiness.

Hopefully 2009 will be better than 2008 for you.

Annie said...

After 20 years in a highly noble and much needed profession, I hope he finds something just right for him!He's done his good deed for the world! Good luck to you,to! Istink at being a stay at home Mom,so I always "browse" part time jobs just in case something catches my eye.I'll go back into teaching soon enough,I guess!

Soxy Deb said...

Oh Tena, I feel for you both, but I really feel for him. It must be so hard for him to want to do something else and not know what it is and at the same time want to remain the breadwinner for the family.
Stay strong. I know you two can resolve this soon. {{HUGS}}

bsouth said...

I hope things get better for you both really soon.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Do you think maybe you need to get some fortune cookies and some parallel bars?

Deb said...

Tena,

That is more stress than one person should be saddled with. I just hope things resolve positively for everyone. Thinking of you...

lisa said...

Although I'm new to your blog and don't know the whole story, I'm sending you good vibes.

Mariah said...

Urgh, I feel your financial pain, we just spent our remainig cash on a new car because the old one died in the driveway, and it's still sitting there.

Carri said...

Wow I so know how you feel. My husband is hating his job and almost weekly reminds me how he wouldnt mind if he got fired. I know how stressful it can be and also understand living very tightly. We live week to week paycheck to paycheck and just make it by. I have faith things will get better. Everyone is hurting in this economy right now. I hope things turn around for you and your husband finds something he is happy with and not just proud of.

Malaki said...

ok.... LOL at the asian gymnist. Sometimes dreams are sooo crazy. I hope things lighten up for your husband. Have faith.

Tiffany said...

Girl. I have been reading your blog for a while and never got that your husband was a cop.

Mine was LAPD for 10 years.

At 10 years I couldn't deal with all of it anymore and fortunately, I had a job that could support us both.

He went and finished his degree and now we run a business together. He is a completely different person now. Funny, loving, social. All the things I knew he was under that stressed out cop.

If you ever want to talk email me... I totally get it.

The stress is ridiculous.

Heinous said...

I'm sorry to hear about all that stress. It's great that he's so proud of it at least.

I think you'd make an awesome Asian gymnast.

Mrs4444 said...

Guess I'll just have to keep praying...Love to you, my friend.

And p.s. Your "I KNOW her!" comment on Jen's post about me was HILARIOUS, BTW.