Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Honest Crap

I love awards! I am a needy, blog attention whore- aren't we all? I have seen awards out in the blogosphere and, sadly, my name is NEVER mentioned! Apparently, there are no awards for "Overuse of the Word 'So'"
"Best Husband Bashing"
"Most Likely To Be Institutionalized"
"Least Likely to Win a Contest, Follow Contest Rules, Take a Great Picture, or Scrapbook"

... so I'm thinking I'm shit out of luck! Frankly, I don't really qualify for any of the real awards like...

Breakthrough Performance
I don't think I've broken anything except a few rules.
Best Group Performance
Well, if we're talking blogs- it's just me!
Best Comedic Performance
I'm really not that funny, just honest!
Best use of a Cuss word
I use cuss words, but not to their full potential!
Best Supporting Blogger
I'm currently boycotting bras- no support here!
Blog of the Year
Peoples Choice Award
These are just a lot of to live up to- and I'm really not that ambitious!
Best “What the heck was THAT?” moment
I have blogged about tampons and my step mom in the same post, but I think I was drunk, does that still count?
Best Bromance and Romance
Best Villain
These? I have no fucking idea what these mean- these are blogs not gay porn or comic books!

Anyhoo, I did get recognized by the AIB- The Academy of Independent Bloggers (yes, I just made that up, fuck off, I'm desperate!)... consisting of Mommablogsalot and Heinous - yes 2 people-which means I REALLY deserve it (I'm told!)

So here are the award’s rules:

Write a post about the award, link back to the person who gave you the award.
Nominate at least 7 other blogs.
Add links to those blogs on your blog.
Leave a message for the nominees on their blogs.
Name 10 honest random things about yourself.

So, since I suck at rules, I thought I'd use a really small font and break them! I spew so much honest shit on this blog- you can understand how hard it is to come up with new stuff I haven't written about!

I decided to turn to the funniest person I know. A real life friend- shut up, I have them! Someone I met in college. Someone who remembers EVERYTHING and asked her for some dirt about me... (names and places may have been changed to protect their identity and my security!)

"You don't really have any bad qualities that I can remember, unless you consider sexual indiscretion bad." No, I totally don't!

"I remember the time you and someone were doing it on the top bunk in yours and "Sally's" room and your feet kept clanking the silverware container that for some reason you kept at the end of the bed?" It was "Sally's" step brother and who knows when you'll need a spoon or fork- always good to have them handy!

"Letting "Jen" bully you out of going to Florida with us for Spring Break, so instead she brought her hillbilly sister who stole mine and "Sarah's" money on the trip and then blamed it on the maid." I'm really a pussy- I paid for that trip and the hillbilly went in my place!!!

"Groove is in the Heart, baby! We said you looked like the girl from Dee-Lite. And you dressed and danced like her too." Translation: you dressed like a slut and can't dance!

"We stole 'Sally's' beloved stuffed animal, Marty, and threw him in her fridge. Someone also wrote 'shave the pits, Chubbs!' in reference to her after our 'who can go the longest without showering' contest, which you probably had a hand in." Yes, that was me. It was wrong- she drunkenly confessed that as a kid she was teased by her brother and called "Chubs". Plus, she hadn't shaved her pits in weeks- so really she was asking for it! Incidentally, "Sally" won that contest because she went an entire week wearing a black sweatshirt and polka dot leggings AND had sex during that time! We were so ahead of our time- that contest was Pre-Seinfeld!

You always called "Cindy" a "Saddy", because she drove you nuts. God, did she drive me nuts! So damn whiny and she ate canned hominey- WTF?

We'd always call that crazy 'Susie' from down the hall to tell her she had a package waiting for her at the front desk, and then watch her run down the hall all happy to get it, and mope back to her room afterward. (TOO MEAN!) In my defense, I only watched and laughed.

Thanks K, for the stumble down memory lane!

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Heinous said...

I've yet to see evidence of a bad quality. I'll take your word for it.

I've never been part of an academy before. I'm feeling sorta special now.

Tony said...

Ok, So needy one you have great stuff. Makes me laugh, think and ponder. Is it a full moon? If it is any consolation I get an average of 3-8 comments on my hard work if the moons align. Whereas others I see get mid 30's + . I do not get awards either, but I remind myself this is a bit like talking to the wall or yourself in the shower. I do it for the release and the personal therapy. I have to go back to my room - play time is up.

Anonymous said...

I hereby award you "Most Sweariest and Funny Blog I Read" - it's a very exclusive award.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

I hope your kids don't read you blog...LOL> are a laugh riot!!

Deb said...

see, now that's where you're wrong. you DO use swear words to their fullest potential. and beyond.

Anonymous said...

Yeah I have to agree with Heinous, it's pretty cool being in n academy suddenly - I feel like I should have some business cards printed up or something. :)

What a fun trip down memory lane!

Brooks said...

I think that there should be an award given to you for best use of cuss words! I am going to find one! It may take me awhile. But I will get back to you.

Annie said...

See! We are twins! I don't get shit for awards or comments either. Fuckin' A.

Honeybell said...

Please tell me you washed the silverware after . . .

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...


I loved this

I did get recognized by the AIB- The Academy of Independent Bloggers (yes, I just made that up, fuck off, I'm desperate!)

You crack me up!

Anonymous said...

Well yeah...where else are you supposed to keep your silverware container?

because I said so said...

The about the Academy of Independant Beyotches.....I happen to be the President of that Association

jaime said...

this is some funny shit right here...forks and spoons? really? LOL!

I've had a few awards tossed my way however my high was killed as i was reading the "instructions" that i had to pass it on...and i didn't have enough people to pass it too :(

Mrs4444 said...

WEll, it's your lucky week, Honey, because I'm giving you a no-strings-attached award tomorrow for my Favorite Friday Fragment from last week! Yea!!

Tiffany said...

I didn't know there was a cuss award. Fuck now I wished I had used them properly too.

And I'll bet you were fun to hang out with. Not that I would do any of that stuff cuz I'm an angel =)