Quiet, quiet, she's gonna say something...

I love Forrest Gump. I cry like a baby and get goose bumps and my kids laugh at me every-single-time-we-watch-it. The only part I never liked was when he ran. I can hear the old lady on the bench "So, you just ran!"

I jumped into blogging just like Forrest waking up that morning to find Jenny gone and "just ran". There was no destination, no purpose, nothing to prove- I just felt like blogging.

Lately, I have felt like the heavy-bearded, long- haired Forrest running through the Sedona desert in his poncho with Jackson Browne's Running on Empty playing in the background.

I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go home, now.

I am definitely running on empty. This is not my swan song, however. The journey has been too great to just unlace my Nike Cortez that easily.

I'm still searching for my direction on this run and will let you know when I've found it.

KMBFBAG- recharged!

I am not happy at a heavier weight- period. Some people can be- not me- I envy that in others. It invades every aspect of my being. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel. I hate having the struggle of finding something to wear and being out in public. I avoid invitations at every cost. I'm just not comfortable in my own skin when I carry extra weight.

I know this is not a good thing and is probably an extreme. I'm not sure if it's attributed to my being SO skinny until my 20's or my upbringing- my mom is a vain woman, too.

About 7 years ago, I was at my heaviest and my husband and I decided to hire a nutritionist. He owned a local gym and offered a program that guaranteed results. We were anticipating our first beach vacation to Florida and wanted to get 'in shape'.

For 3 months, we followed his dietary instructions and worked out exactly as he told us. It probably didn't hurt that he was a bulky beefcake and could crush us with his little finger- we did not want to let him down!

About half way through his program, we went to a party and were offered something that was not 'allowed' on our diet. I remember the woman that offered it asking why I was on a diet. I told her that we were going to Florida. She replied, as she figuratively sized me up,

"Last time I checked, they let people this size in Florida."

Can I tell you how much I love that girl? I wish I thought like her. Sadly, I do not!

After that program, I was in the best shape of my life! I dropped the weight and was quite the hard body (for a mom of 3, anyway). I loved shopping for my vacation clothes! I wasn't uncomfortable on the beach or in my skin.

I don't know if my body will ever get back to that place, but I am determined to try like hell! Back then, it was the trip to Florida. At the party I went to this weekend, I may just have stumbled upon my new driving force...I hadn't seen these friends in about 2 years. It was great to see them. There was more of them to see, too. Three of the 5 women got breast implants! They all look amazing and are looking forward to their summer parties- in the pool- wearing swimsuits-GULP!

Full force ahead, folks!

Last week, I followed the Sacred Heart Diet to a T. I did not have a loss of energy. I felt fine. I would have REALLY enjoyed a chocolate chip cookie, but beauty has its price.

I heard the horror stories about exploding bowels. I didn't have this problem either. Maybe a case of the shits would have rendered better results- I'm glad my body decided to take a pass on that, though.

I had gained a little and at the beginning of last week, was at 143. This morning, the scale read 138. Not the 10-17lb magic bullet that the diet claimed, but absolutely the progress that I needed to keep me going.


Starting Weight- 150lbs
Today's Weight- 138lbs
Total loss- 12lbs

How was your week?

Friday Fragments

Very random, rushed, hopefully short and sweet fragments... join in with Mrs. 4444

***I have not wavered off of this diet ONE BIT! It has been hard. Especially when I was stupid enough to make brownies for a sleepover with my nieces and nephews! They smelled SO good! I have worked out 3 times this week and walked, I'm guessing, 5 miles at the zoo. Sadly, the diet has not been the silver bullet that I was hoping for- damn. 10-17lbs? Not even close- more like 1 or 2, so far. I have 2 more days left. I plan to keep going and see what the results are.

*** The diet has made me a bigger bitch than normal. I've been on edge all week!

***The zoo- we went to the zoo this week. I am not a fan of the zoo. Maybe I'm just an old cranky lady, I don't know. We walked about 5 miles during 3.5 hours and saw about 20 animals- big whoop. Animals stink. Kids are brats. Especially kids that are relatively unsupervised and came with their school. My son fell into the Camel's yard. He was sitting on the fence for a picture (that my sister was taking- because I suck) and he fell back, over and in and scratched the hell out of his back! My daughter- the rather clumsy one, tried to keep up with my nephew and son and jumped over a rock and fell on her face and nicked it up pretty bad, too. I'm not a fan of the zoo.

***I got DVR! I watch a lot of TV and I really WATCH it. NOT DVR or TIVO. Everyone has told me how great this little invention was and my cable company was offering a free package for a year so I'm giving it a go. I'm a creature of habit and I don't like it or get it yet. Hopefully it will grow on me.

***I have been very anxious this week- maybe it's the lack of carbs, or the loud kids, or the list of things 'to do' that won't stop. I have not been able to get around the blogosphere the way I like and feel very left out. Forgive me.

***We are going to a party this weekend with some old friends that used to be neighbors. I am very nervous. We all had so much fun together when we were neighbors. Then people started moving away. Some kept in touch and some didn't. I guess I'm hoping I don't feel left out and that not much has changed.

***My dog is the kind that NEEDS to be groomed! He has not been groomed in a couple months because my husband is bothered of the cost. I am sneaking him to a groomer today because he's beginning to grow dreadlocks and I'm beyond the stage in my life where it was cool to have a Rastafarian dog.

***GO MIZZOU! They made it to the Elite 8. I will be watching on Saturday to see if they can beat U-Conn to get into the Final Four- how exciting!

*** Twisted Lisa- I picked YOUR name out of my fancy pink bowl for my giveaway! Contact me and I will give you details. Congrats! It was totally legitimate- but I was completely rooting for you- YEAH!

Top 10

My fab bloggy friend, Coco, is off jetsetting in Guatemala and she had a great idea to leave a post with links to her Top 10 ( tells your 'story' so there's no need to scrounge through archives.)

Since, I am on Day 4 of my recent hair up my ass idea, and don't have much energy to hold my head upright, much less, write something clever, and am 98% sure that I'm PMSing, and have my kids home for Spring Break, I thought it was a PERFECT IDEA!

So this is me...

One Household, Two Childhoods

Who Were You Expecting?

My 100th Post- Part 1

My 100th Post- part deux

Questions 67 & 68

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

My Fucked Up Fairy Tale

Step Inside My Sickness

To My Brother

Hold Tight- This Really Isn't All About Me

He Said, She Said

Something fun, exciting and oh so romantic happened out here in blogoworld yesterday... follow the links... it's very sweet...

Although mine and my husband's courtship and engagement doesn't NEAR come close to these goose bump moments shared... I will play along...

I was a single mom of a 3 month old boy, working a job that I absolutely hated and wondering what direction my life was going.

Two dear friends of mine, "D" and "T", called and invited me to a join them for a Friday night happy hour. I sooo did not want to go! I was very self-conscious about my appearance and my situation and thought I had no place in a bar! I think it was their version of an intervention for really pathetic people that mope and feel sorry for themselves. They eventually strong-armed me into going.

One of their co-workers brought a friend. "D"and I both like this friend. He was charming and handsome- not funny- he thinks he's funny- he was NOT funny.

I, specifically, remember him wanting to know about my son- not only NOT being scared off by him, but wanting to know more. This could have, very well, been a ploy to get into my pants, but oh well.

As the night progressed, "D" and I were both being cautious to not step on one another's toes- and cock block, if you will, but, rather, let HIM make the choice.

Now, this is where the story gets tricky...

Here is my story...

God as my witness, I remember him brushing his leg up against mine under
the table and giving me a 'come hither' look. At the end of the night, his
friend came up to ME and told me that he liked me (and they were
not in 8th grade- they were 30!) and would like me to call him.
I never told "D" about the brush up on my leg or what his friend said- I
didn't want to look like a stealing ho-bag bitch or hurt
her. But in my mind, he had made his decision, right? A
couple nights later, with encouragement from my other friend, "T", I called
him. I still had not told "D" about any of it. We went out and
had a great time and continued dating. I told "D" when we
were going on our second date. She told me that she was very
hurt by me and felt that I was keeping this from her and, in a sense, lying
to her by not telling her up front. She was my college roommate
for 3 years, would have been in my wedding and, most likely have been
chosen as Godmother to one of my kids. She didn't speak to me for 5
years.

Here is his story...

Two broads were hot after me and I couldn't decide between them. They
both wanted me- bad. Tena called me and I went out with her. "D"
like me SOOO much and was so jealous of her stealing me that she broke
off their friendship. I have that kind of power.

I swear, if I have to hear 'his story' ONE MORE TIME at another wedding reception, party, bar, dentist's office, Bar Mitzvah, or Christmas dinner, I will puncture my throat with a fork! Or a toothbrush!

He's not a romantic, he still thinks he should be a comic writer (although HE'S NOT FUNNY!), he spits toothpaste all over the mirror each morning, his favorite past time is standing in front of an open refrigerator and napping on the floor next to the hum of the dryer.

He proposed to me at a Wendy's and put my clean, shiny, sparkling engagement ring in a ketchup container! Mine! The girl with OCD! Ring immersed in ketchup! I was completely grossed out.

When I got word of "D"'s engagement, in 2000, I sent her a card and told her how much I missed her friendship and that I was so sorry if she felt betrayed by me and that I wished her the best of happiness. She accepted my apology (and agrees with my accounts of the story, by the way).

We are once again the great friends we used to be and I think she thanks me for taking that bullet.

random tidbits

A few years ago, around Christmas, the family was driving around and Celebrate Me Home by Kenny Loggins came on the radio. My daughter asked why they were "celebrating meatballs"?

A few weeks ago, we heard Donna Summer's Hot Stuff- and my daughter asked why they were singing about "pasta"?

On the drive to Church the other day, Falco's song, Amadeus was on the radio. My son asked if they were singing "hot potato".

I swear- I feed my kids! Maybe we need to make an appointment to clean ears.

Without fail- when at a restaurant- the server asks my husband if he wants "soup or salad" and he replies, "yes"- followed by blank confused stares from the server. Yes- my husband ALWAYS wants the "super salad"!

Yeah, I think it's time to make a phone call to the doctor to tend to our ears!

KMBFAG- spring break and a new plan

Spring break is here. So is the greenish puke that is apparently the result of blue jelly beans, blue jello and blue icing at the Blue's Clues birthday party we attended yesterday. Joy.

I am in sterilization mode. My hands feel like the skin is going to shed any moment from the dryness and cracking from overused bleach. Joy.

I have failed miserably at my diet- but there is good news...

I was up all night last night and avoided the temptation of buying the In-Styler (even though I have very fine straight hair and this would not help me at all- I was still on the fence- and reaching for the phone and my credit card). I also passed on P9OX- because after the initial desire I had for the program and the frighteningly hard bodies that were in this infomercial- I decided the 'befores' were way out of my league. The deceptive slime sales people convinced me that I also have Adrenal fatigue- which I think means my kidneys are tired- and whose aren't? With their hard hitting questions like... do you gain weight after eating? Do you have a hard time losing weight? Is your ass larger than it was when you were 18? I was sure they had my ticket- luckily, that's when I started falling asleep.

I have gone to the grocery store and have all the ammunition needed for this- thanks Terri, who led me to it- please let me know if it works- if it doesn't, you may want to lie- just for my sanity.

I know I'm going to do well on the dieting front this week- because I'm a competitor. My husband has accepted the challenge. He is going to do his 'diet' (eat less chips and no ice cream- he's convinced that's the ONLY thing holding him back!) And I will do my Sacred Heart Diet. I will do anything it takes to beat him!

I have no idea how well it will work, but I am going to follow it to the letter- mostly because the ingredients were cheap and I like most everything on it-except fruit- as I'm choking down an orange- and I am determined to beat my husband, damn it! Also, I thought it would be good to find something other than my kids to blame my bad attitude on this week and since it's not that time of the month- this seemed like a good substitution.

I know I totally suck, but I really do plan to get back in your good graces this week. How was your week?

Friday Fragments

Holy Crap- how did it become Friday already?! Here, once again, are my fragmented thoughts for you to ponder- possibly throughout the entire weekend- since I'm not much of a weekend blogger- so Friday Fragments here are really my Weekend Fragments... join in with your own at Mrs.4444's place.

***For people that have real jobs, I know, or least I've heard the old adage "Thank God It's Friday", but I don't get it? I understood when I was in school, but that was a long time ago. Now, Fridays just mean, loud needy kids that feel they must be entertained and fed, dragging dirt into my house, wearing lots of clothes that will need to be washed and the headache that won't go away caused by their constant fighting!

I haven't worked a real job with living and breathing people that earns money in over 10 years. When I did, I worked in retail management, which is just another word for modern day slave that deals with fashion or home goods instead of cotton.

I made a decent 40 hr week salary, but easily worked 60+ hours a week- including holidays, weekends, and evenings- no overtime pay. I was young and dumb and apparently bad at math. My husband is a policeman and when we dated and were first married, our schedules worked out really well. Neither of us had any concept of a Monday through Friday 9-5 job.

I'm so out of touch now that I gauge my days of the week by what's on TV- totally pathetic- I know! BTW- Catherine at Evolving Mommy has left me many comments when I ramble about TV that she doesn't own a TV? WHA?? I mean, good for you. But wow- I just don't think I could do it! You must think I am the biggest loser on the face of the earth- bless your heart!

My kids try to keep me apprised on the days of the week, "Mom, it's Tuesday, you need to pick me up in the office after Detention"... when what he really should be saying is, "Mom, American Idol is on tonight." Which, in turn would make me realize that I didn't watch AI the night before, so it must be the performance night, which would lead me to the conclusion that it is Tuesday and I must pick him up from detention- perfectly logical reasoning!

*** Don't forget to leave a comment as an entry for my giveaway- yeah, it's an adult toy website- don't get all prude on me- we all got pipes to clean (wise words from the Millionaire Matchmaker and her goofy bangs) I really expected more from my readers! After all, Google Analytics has listed keywords to get to this site as...

stroking boobs, Margaret Cho Atm sex (I've linked that if you are unsure what it stands for since I'm a giver, but NOT EVEN I would dream of that- so BEWARE!), Fairies get fucked, giggle and bounce girl boobies, and how to get my mom to meet my lesbian lover

How proud am I?

***If you read about my cheap ass sister before I SPRUNG my sexy giveaway on you, you will understand the predicament I'm in... Her 30th birthday is in a few weeks and I have no idea what to get her. My mom and her friends are making her a scrapbook of her life- she totally falls for that kind of shit. I could use some suggestions- I thought about a sex toy- that would embarrass the crap out of her and I think I would enjoy her humiliation- because I love her, of course.

***You may be familiar with my school 'issues'. My kids go to Catholic school- I don't love it- it's very strict- very expensive- and very, very Catholic. You are expected to go to Adoration and say the Rosary once a week. I have been Catholic my whole life, I even consider myself a practicing Catholic, but not to their standards. I feel there is a level of judgement due to my lack of 'commitment' and that bugs me.

My son has had issues because of what they consider 'bad behavior'- that's really not my concern anymore because he is going to a public high school next year. My concern is- my girls that will be in 3rd and 5th grade. I really wanted and had every intention to send them to public school next year. The cost was certainly part of the decision. My 10 yr old struggled with the curriculum earlier this year, but has come around and seems to have found her stride.

Anyway, the public elementary school district that we live in is a year-round cycle. They go to school for 9 weeks and are off for 3 weeks- year round. This has given me a lot of anxiety because I really wanted to go back to work and working around this funky schedule plus a high schooler and a preschooler- 3 different school schedules to work around and I'm kind of freaking out about it... just had to get that off my chest!

*** Today- half day at school- yuck. Next week- spring break- double yuck! Next week's blogging will be one extreme or the other- I will either be live blogging the entire week or locked in a closet crying and my desktop does not reach there- so it's just a crap shoot, really! So I guess I'll see ya when I see ya.

A review and an explanation of my lameitude- yes, that's a word I just invented.

Who's been watching United States of Tara on Showtime? It's an amazing show. Back in the day, it was called Multiple Personality Disorder- now it's known as DID- Disassociate Identity Disorder (like when I was growing up- the bad kids were 'the bad kids' but now they have ADHD.)

Tara is a mom that suffers from this disorder and has made the decision to live without medicating. Therefore, in a sense, embracing the other 'characters'. Her husband, sister and 2 kids have become familiar with her 'alters' that include "Alice"- a 50's homemaker-Doris Day- on crack. "Buck", the flannel wearing male of the bunch- he's a bully in a protective sort of way. Then there is "T"- a 16 year old, promiscuous girl who hates all things structured and authoritative. They have just introduced "Gimme"- a new alter that is animalistic. The show is well-written and has amazing acting- especially Toni Collette- who embodies every ounce of each 'alter'!

I know there is a real disorder that this brings attention to, and I'm not trying to dismiss or downplay that. However, in the grand scheme of things, I relate to this show, a lot. I'm only slightly nuts, and my personalities don't have their own names, but that's really only because I'm not consistent. Really, she's got her shit together more than me!

Tara's alter characters make their entrance upon stressful situations. I have been known to morph into a multitude of crazies under stress. I feel the pull from many directions of having to be so many different things- the expectations of the world, I suppose.

I often wake up and wonder- who am I going to be today? Am I going to be the carefree mom that likes to laugh and help her kids with their homework, the clean freak that yells about dirty socks on the floor, the motivated woman at the gym who vows to eat nothing but salads until she smells cookies, the blogger that actually has something worthwhile to say, the blogger that offends readers and scares them off, or the friend that is just there to listen? And those were only Wednesday's characters!

I'm not sure who I am today or who I've been for the last couple of weeks, actually. Uninspired. Lazy. Just been going with the flow. Doing the least I have to- just to get by in life without the authorites being alerted.

I have always written what's on my mind. My mind has been pretty blank, lately. I have been watching a lot of television- not sure if that's good or bad- maybe not so good when I'm comparing myself with someone that has multiple personalities, huh? I guess it's a good thing The Soprano's is off the air.


I do have a giveaway right now- go here and leave a message- a winner will be picked Wednesday, March 25.

Some Like it Hot and Free

My sister is the cheapest woman in the universe. I used to find it commendable- the deals she would find and the money she would save. I've never been the patient type to find GREAT bargains- I'm a knowledgeable enough shopper, I know the value of things, I read the ads, use the occasional coupon, but nothing fanatical. She and I used to be similar in our practical sense, but somewhere along the line, her thrifty ways have become extreme and mine have become more lax. I do enjoy a splurge once in a while. I like nice things. My sister HATES it- despises it- is completely contemptuous about self-indulgence. True story: for Christmas, my mom needed to spend about $25 more on her and asked her what she wanted... grocery gift certificates! My dad gave us Spa gift cards for Christmas- she can't fathom spending $100 on any 'overpriced' treatment- she's selling it on Craigslist!

Anyway, she gets these coupons for "5 FREE TANS" for a local tanning salon. Of course, the objective of these coupons are to get the sucker person in the door and up- sell them into a 'package', a membership, or ridiculously overpriced BRONZING lotion (I guess they can justify the mark-up because of its fancy name.)

I get it. I've done sales before. I know how to bullshit with the best of them. And usually, I completely fall for it. Not only because I'm a sucker, but I'm also a true believer in you get what you pay for and sometimes quality has its cost. Usually. Now, we're broke. I still have needs, just no dignity... I count out pennies for my one weakness-McDonald's coffee each morning- they freaking love me at that drive thru window!

My sister called me yesterday and said she had an extra coupon for tanning (she had an ulterior motive- I'd watch her kids while she goes and vice versa). Naturally, I accepted- it was free. However, I was afraid. I don't have my sister's frugal strength. I knew I was going to have to face the sales person and pass over the coupon. I was going to have to stand my ground- grit my teeth and say "no thanks- just give me the poor people free package, please." I knew I was going to be tempted by her fancy UV language and lure of glittery lotions that make your skin tingle!

I had to take one for the economically strained team and avoid that temptation and nostalgia that came over me when I walked in and smelled the char of burning flesh-I admit it- tanning bed skin smell takes me back to a simpler time when my only worries were venereal diseases, silencing my orgasm so my mom wouldn't catch me and if the effects of the drugs I took would wear off before I had to be at work.

I ignored the desire to become a slutty, misguided teenager again and JUST SAID NO. It wasn't without guilt, though. As my pasty naked body lie in the glass florescent tomb in puddles of my own sweat, I contemplated it. I was getting something for nothing and I felt cheap and ashamed about it! Damn it! I tried to avoid those slutty, misguided teenager feelings, but there they were!
Everyone likes getting stuff for free, right?

How would you like to be a slutty and misguided in the privacy of your own home (or your hot neighbor's, whatever)- FOR FREE- no guilt required? I won't even try to upgrade your purchase or sell you KY Jelly! No feelings of cheap shame (unless you like it like that!)

First-go to Eden Fantasys and look around. It's much less pressure than walking into the adult sex shops that have the dominatrix mannequins in the window- they totally freak me out- and they're filthy- and not in the good way. Like in the way where your shoes stick to the ground as you walk and your kind of grossed out wondering what's the cause of the goo under your feet since the shelves are lined with theatrical masterpieces like Sperms of Endearment, The Sperminator, and Free My Willy- makes you wanna go clean the bottom of your shoes!

On that website, along with earth shattering, life changing sex toys, you'll see a woman getting all hot and bothered by a Calla Lily- and who doesn't, but I want to know- what else gets you going... what keeps the fires burning for you?

Leave a comment- tweet the contest (leave me a link)- tell me what product you would like to help you heat up? You will get an entry for each.

The winner will receive one item of your choosing valued at $65 and under from Eden Fantasys!

Tuesday's Tribute

Two words- Motivational posters.

KMBFBAG- BYE WEEK!

It's been one of those days- and it's only 9:20AM- not a good sign for things to come! From being woken by kids fighting over which cereal to eat and my daughter INSISTING that I didn't wash her gym shorts- which I totally did- and our dog puking all morning, which is gross, but at least he eats it and cleans up after himself- just getting out the door was a struggle.

I dropped the kids off at school and drove away- 2 minutes later, I receive a call from my son- he wore his shorts today and they are not allowed to wear shorts (they used to be able to wear shorts year-round- apparently not anymore- yet, another new addition to the school handbook that I didn't read!)

So, I have to go home, just to go right back and bring him his pants! I walk into the school office in my jammie pants/Crocs/braless morning glory only to be presented with a detention slip for my son...and I haven't even had my coffee yet! Oh Happy Day.

It is Monday and I have to step on a scale. I must document my humiliation and shame of another crappy week filled with birthday treats, weak moments, and a 1 lb gain. My batteries in my camera are dead. It just keeps getting better.

I guess I'm lucky that the camera is dead because the blogger in me would feel obligated to show you what I look like typing this- a complete and total dork that can't concentrate with the background noise of the most ridiculous children's show ever made- Lazy Town. So I went and got my husband's headphones that he uses when he uses his riding mower (and I mock it CONSTANTLY!)

I sort of resemble this dude right now...

Frown and all.

So, if you don't mind, I'm going to pretend this KMBFBAG week and this morning never happened. I hope you have better results to share.

A Decade with a Diva

She's the one my mom warned me about all of my life.

From the time she cursed me under her breath as I smuggled off my diaper and smeared my feces all over my freshly painted pink walls (I preferred purple and she should have known that!) To my entire teenage years spent grounded for talking back and rolling my eyes- FYI- the eyes NEVER got stuck in my head- HA!

If I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times- just wait until you have kids. You're going to have a daughter just like you, I know it. Pay backs are a bitch!

They certainly are.

My first child was a simple baby. Uncomplicated. He sprung into my life when I was unprepared and foolish. God had pity on me and sent me an intermediate model. I was thankful and maybe a little bit cocky. I can handle this mom stuff -no problem- bring it on!

Fast forward, four years later- the ring on my finger, the mortgage, the yearning to even out the testosterone/estrogen balance in my home, I was 1.3 children away from average and no one likes to be sub par.

She was planned- methodically- like details of a dinner party that had to be perfect. She arrived healthy and gorgeous and perfect, just as planned. But she tricked us. She had a head full of black hair, but, little did we know, it hid the devil horns so the hospital staff wouldn't catch on.

From the moment we brought our newborn home- she screamed, wailed, and cried in her soprano pitch. She knows how to make an entrance! She would not nurse- down right refused. She threw up formula. If her motor skills were more advanced, she certainly would have thrown vases- no doubt!

I brought her to the doctor, at least twice a week for the first 6 months. The MRI showed no neurological problems. Medicines didn't help (her). I wouldn't settle for the diagnosis of 'colic' until the pediatrician wrote me a prescription to get through it.

When she turned 10 months old, she started talking- a lot. I want..., give me..., no no ..., come here now... and with those words came a freedom from her little voiceless prison where she had been trapped. She could finally communicate and the tears and howling stopped.

This sweet little entertaining dimpled darling was just waiting to come out! We enjoyed becoming acquainted with her laughter and smiles, finally!

She is a true diva in every sense of the word! Expressive and theatrical- lover of anything sparkly and glittery. She is my one true hope for getting to the Academy Awards in this lifetime to cheer her on to a win.



She has a huge heart and is the most sensitive person I've ever known. As she hits the decade mark- her drama queen status sometimes borders on royal pain in the ass, but I know it's just the way of the world. She will get hers, in due time.


Happy Birthday, Addison Grace, my little melodramatic mademoiselle!

Friday Fragments

Join in with Mrs. 4444's Fragment Fridays...
***I am late with my Friday Fragments because I forgot that I was babysitting my 1 yr old niece today (the one with the Sharpie addiction, but my sister said she gave up pungent permanent markers for Lent, so I was safe besides a few withdrawal willies she might have.)

I sat down at my computer with my coffee for my morning ritual and the doorbell rang. Crap. I spent the next 3 hrs trying to keep her out of my oven and clothed. Now that she can't get baked off of the fumes of Sharpies...? I guess she's quite literal- smart kid- that one!

Don't worry, the oven is not usually a play option at my house (unless a kid's bad, of course), but I am baking chocolate cheesecake cupcakes for my daughter's birthday celebration (and inevitable diet failure again this week) tonight. Every time I turned around my neice was missing another piece of clothing and trying to climb into the oven!

In related news- I'm accepting children for my new daycare- JUST KIDDING- I'd rather jump in the oven!

***Actually, I am becoming my mother. My mom is not a 'sitter' type. She's a great grandma and adores my kids, but prefers my presence and for me to take them with me when I leave- she's a firm believer in "no child left behind". I have always envied the people that have parents that would PAY YOU to watch their grand kids. I can already see that I will not be one of those grandparents. Them: Mom, can you watch the kids tonight? Me: Umm, you sure you can't find ANYONE else?

*** Daylight savings time is kicking my kids' butts. We need to leave the house by 7:30 to get to school on time. They've been waking up at 7:12 exactly. It's not working for us- I know ya'll dig the extra daylight, but I'm asking for a refund, thanks anyway.

*** Birthday season is officially over, ahhhh. My daughter turned 10 yesterday- I will post her Happy Birthday post this weekend. No more birthdays till NOVEMBER- yeah!

*** I am helping my husband brush up on his math skills for aptitude tests that he's taking-trying to get a new job. And can I just say, I am freaking brilliant. I actually did always like math- it was a fun challenge- I always saw it like a puzzle- (although I hate puzzles!) Anyway- I get them right EVERY TIME! I can't believe I still remember all of these facts! He's not letting on, but I think he thinks my genius is rockin' the sexy. He's hot for teacher!

***Through raising four kids- I'm quite confident that the phrase that I have uttered more than any other is - "what is THE ONLY thing we draw on?" Usually after I find marker or crayon on the carpet, the walls, the furniture, clothing, their skin... I received this e-mail the other day- so glad to see I am not alone... and that our dog has so much fur- they COULDN'T find his skin if they wanted to draw on it...

***Ok- I gotta go there and I'm not saying this to stir up any pots or because I have balls of steel (because that would be cold and uncomfortable and you would need one of these to match...)
but... the mama drama that is the Boobgate controversy this week in the blogosphere- did anyone catch this? Wow! Nuts! I was, and kind of still am, speechless about all the brouhaha. I wouldn't share a boob or a baby, that's just me. I remember being totally freaked out by The Hand that Rocks the Cradle when Rebecca DeMornay nursed the baby that she nannied. If that makes me an unrefined, prude, closed-minded, Western thinker, so be it. If I witnessed it, I gotta say, I probably would have blogged about it, and man, I would have been fucked. These ladies got real worked up about this. I'm looking over my shoulder as I write this.

Engorgement is the one of the worse feelings ever- I know, but I don't like attention drawn to me, so I could have an alien arm coming out of my asshole and I would ignore the pain because I just like to blend in to the crowd- nothing to see hear, folks- just a 7 fingered skinny limb hanging out of my anus. I'll just take the pain, thank you, may I have another?

What makes me sad is that there was so much hatred and defensiveness and bullying. Everyone has their opinions. If someone attacked me and a decision I made, I'd definitely be hurt, but I think I'd take it up with that person on an individual basis and work it out.

This whole scenario freaked me out and, sorry dudes, it had nothing to with boobs. I was freaked out because I could have seen me writing the same kind of thing and then getting attacked for it- it scared me. For a second, and just a second, I thought I should be more careful and start censoring myself until I get those balls of steel and matching dildo.

*** Cancer sucks donkey balls- that's a give in. Here's the embarassing (yet, grateful) part... I kind of haven't known anyone with it. My family's demise is a bird of a different feather- heart disease. I know cancer is horrid and I am overwhelmed by the strength of people that have lived with it and watched it attack their loved ones. Their stories touch me and I wonder if I could handle it.

True story that makes me look kind of bad... an old boyfriend 'friended' me on Facebook. I went to look at his pictures and saw his wife and vainly and vicsously my mind went to- eh- she's not that cute. Come to discover, she is a breast cancer survivor-something of a local celebrity for her work with rasing money for cancer research, she was diagnosed when she was 17. I am a fucking heel. Her story is pretty amazing and I'm still ashamed of myself for thinking the way I did.

As my penance, along with the hours of charity, 3 Hail Mary's, and 4 Our Father's I will be doing, I am asking you to go to Jay's and make a donation.

SUCKA

Apparently, I was raised in a bubble, a poor white trash bubble with butterflies and rainbows. I always thought people were inherently good and honest, I expected it. I am naive. I am a sucker.

Like the time I signed up for an "envelope stuffing" career- it was going to be my big break. I sent off a check for $35 and waited for my start up supplies. They never came. The phone number and address on the ad were fake. I'd been had. Fuckers.

Anyway, scams piss me off. Mostly because I'm an idiot and fall for them.

Like the time I paid $34 to be registered to a Survey Pool online. I could take as many surveys as I wanted and would make money from each- anywhere from $1-$75 per survey. I went through all of the sites and didn't qualify for any surveys. Then, finally, I qualified- YAY- pass me my winnings... NO CASH FOR YOU! Your name gets put into a drawing with 845,362 other pushover losers for $25,000. Hook, line and sinker.

So, I've eased you in. You think I'm a moron now, just wait.

About 10 years ago, in the middle of my birthing years, I was desperate to drop lingering baby weight and as gullible as ever. I watched an informercial in the middle of the night for a revolutionary weight loss program. The claim: just minutes a day, no strenuous exercising, lose up to 14 inches the first week - I know, I'm a lazy dumb fuck, but it sounded ideal.

The broad claimed to be in her 50's and despite the fact that it was the late 90's and she looked like she still had fresh pit sweat from the Olivia Newton John's Physical video 18 years earlier, she was thin. I wasn't taking style advice from her Jane Fonda camel toe crotch, I wanted to lose weight! I was willing to take the chance that she had "the secret'- not to be confused with another completely different level of unsuspecting schmuck.

So I ordered it. I have no idea how much I paid for it. Too much, I'm sure. As you may have guessed, it didn't work. Mostly because I felt like the world's biggest ass doing it and only tried it a handful of times before my paranoia got the best of me and I was convinced there was a hidden camera following me.

When I received it, and started it, I thought it was a joke. If you have issues with incontinence or bowel control, this isn't the workout for you.



The memory of this popped into my head the other day. I hadn't thought of it since I TOTALLY bullshitted my way through selling it to a large black woman wearing a muumuu and a do-rag at my garage sale about 8 years ago. Who's the sucker now? Probably still me, because I think I sold her the 3 video set for 50 cents and I'm certain that I didn't pay less than $50!

Thanks to Ryan@ Pacing the Panic Room who tweeted this video earlier today making me an irresponsible blogger to NOT write about it since he did all the legwork. Who knew it would become a Youtube rage? Who knew there was going to be something called Youtube?

WTF Wednesday

You may not be aware of this, but Supermommy @ Three Boys One Mommy and I share a brain. That's right. I start a sentence and she finishes it! So it was only right that I took these ridiculously odd pictures of my dog and put them on a blog post wondering what the hell I was going to do with them and then she starts "WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT?" WEDNESDAYS- or as I'll affectionately refer to it... WTF WEDNESDAYS.

Let sleeping dogs lie, even if they look uncomfortable or dead.

A Rambling- that I'm not sure makes any sense, doesn't have much direction, but I meant well

Last week, I bitched about my internet provider and a glitch in my e-mail. I was self-congratulatory on my limited profanity during the service calls that were less than helpful.

A few hours after I posted that, I received an e-mail from the Manager of Communications with my internet provider. DOH! Me and my big mouth. Note to self: use code words and not the real businesses names, dumb ass, Tena!

He noted that he was NOT giving me a Thank You Card for not cursing too much, but I secretly think he was really proud of me- I could see it in his font! He was very kind and is trying to iron out the kinks in my e-mail situation- so go me, I think!

This got me thinking of the power of the interwebz! It can make you feel like you're a big deal, but I'm too much of a realist, and know you're just not that into me. But this place can make you a bit paranoid... like when I Twitter about liking Yo Gabba Gabba- and next thing I know, DJ Lance is 'following' me! That's some weird shit and can totally mess with your mind!

Then I worry about how far is too far? There are not too many real life people that I know that read this and, God willing, that will stay the same, so I don't have to worry about second-guessing my tourette fingers!

I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't know how to get to my blog. But just to be safe, I haven't written the post about her recent weight loss from 130- 100lbs and how my sister and I think that she's anorexic or how I wish I knew her trick to anorexia- because that would make me look bad and horribly vain and unstable- and we can't have that! Plus I'm pretty sure the trick is just NOT EATING- and food is one of my favorite things and I hardly need another thing that makes me feel like failure, damn that anorexia! Good thing I never wrote that post!

I've fallen victim to Six Degrees of Separation on my blog and on Twitter. I thought the one place I could really let loose was on other people's blog's comments, right? Now, some, you don't know how they feel about cussing or they use the word 'arse' and I know they aren't ready for my kind. But with a few, such as Tiffany, they make my explicit lyrics look like nursery rhymes. I can totally let loose- especially when she's reviewing Clitoral Stimulators!

She spoke of how the sex toy that she coined "Black Bastard" (which had no reference to it's heritage- if so, she may have gotten the" chainsaw power" she was looking for- at least that's what I hear!) took a while to get her going and how she likes to get hers as "quick as possible".

I commented:

"I'm just like that- I want it over fast- foreplay is for pussies- do your thing
so I can get back to blogging, fucking Black Bastard."

Except I misspelled 'pussies' as 'puusies' which totally took away from the dynamics, but oh well, you get the idea, I'm not a cuddler.

A couple of hours later, I get an e-mail from The Eden Fantasys dude (yep, the one that makes all the magic happen!) thanking me for my comment. He rocks and that was very cool of him to take his time out to send me a Thank You for my cursing- see internet dude- some people appreciate it!

So, it's official, I cannot escape the power of the interwebz. And I've decided to deal with it and enjoy it. Not so much that I'm linking my blog on my Facebook page because that would be social suicide- one hyphenated word: in-laws!

Anyway, I am what I am. I am what I blog. I am what I tweet. I am what I comment. No apologies. Yet.

Week 5 KMBFBAG

So here I am. Sunday night. Drafting my Week 5 KMBFBAG post. Hoping that a good night's sleep will absorb a few pounds when I step on the scale tomorrow morning. I'm not holding my breath. Mostly because the air that I would retain could make me gassy and bloated and royally screw up the weigh in! But also because I fell victim to food and its healing ways after my long week.

I gotta admit, like my posts expressed, last week was BLAH! The husband was off of work for 4 days. Each kid had a fever and the phlegmy cough at some point this week. I was sent to the Principal's office. AND with all of the stress and laziness oozing from my pores- spring crept in!

Admittedly, I'm sick of winter, but I was not prepared for going from our 20 degree highs to consistent 70 degree weather! You have got to ease that kind of shit on me. I'm not a machine! I'm still in over sized sweatshirt mode. Loafing around on the couch under my blanket and watching TV mode.

This weather brings a whole lot of expectation with it. Go to the park, start warming up the BBQ pit, taking walks, working in the yard- damn over-achieving season! If I hear one more person say, "get outside and enjoy the weather", I have some extra ice melt that I will rub into their eyes- and that shit burns like hell!

Finally today, I think I made my peace with spring. I looked at the calendar- 6 weeks until Easter. The next week, my daughter's First Communion, the week after that, my son's Confirmation. What is the one thing these have in common? Besides the fact that they all have religious connotation and I'm already going to hell for breaking my lenten sacrifice when I, inadvertently, ate a roll with my salad the other night... If I don't get my ass moving, my bloated, roly poly body will be preserved- IN PICTURES- for me to despise, avoid, and find ways to crop myself out.

I've decided to embrace the mild temperatures and get active so I won't look back on this year's Easter photos like I do every year... wondering why the hell I'm shoving ham and chocolate cream pie in my mouth and in what universe did I think the outfit that I chose was flattering?? I hate me in pictures. But even more, I hate heavy me in pictures!

So, my short term- 6 week goal- is to be camera ready by April 12! It's not like I'm trying to fit into a swimsuit or run a triathlon, I just want to not resemble a 6 month pregnant woman in pictures! And now that Target is carrying a less expensive line of Spanx, I also have a backup plan!


Last week- 142

This week- 141.5- I think? I know- I need a new scale, but I really don't care about the number- it's the way the clothes fit that count!

total weight loss- 8.5lbs

Not bad for 1 very lame attempt at working out and not great on the eating for the week.

How did you do? If you joined in the first week and fell off- jump back in. Some people are having great results- it's never too late...

Friday Fragments, Finally!

Better late than never, right? Here are my not- so- fragmented thoughts for the week... visit Mrs.4444 with your own fragments.

***Come back readers! I have heard crickets chirping on my blog all week! Was it something I said- or didn't say? Whatever it is, please know that my husband will soon be back to work. I am finally sitting in a quiet room without Dora in one ear and Rocky in the other! I can now resume my manic bitching and complaining... so on with the show...

***My husband goes back to work at 3PM this afternoon- I'm not sure if I will make it till then- pray for me.

*** He has been off since Monday. It has been a true test and because I like a challenge, I called Charter Cable today, my internet provider, because my e-mail has not been accepted as valid for my bank, Twitter, and Facebook messages. I think I deserve a medal for only using the words "piss", "fuck" and "shit" once and not going postal on their asses! I'm expecting a thank you card from them.

***My e-mail dilemma has been going on for about a month. It started with "invalid e-mail" messages from Twitter, then Facebook. I didn't do anything about it because I knew what a dork I would look like explaining to them that I'm not getting my DM (direct messages) sent to my e-mail from my Twitter and Facebook accounts. (I actually did call one time a couple of weeks ago and mentioned that I wasn't getting Twitter messages and she said, "mam, I don't know what that is." And I said, "It's a social network." Then she said, "you mean, like My Space?" And I was like, "NO! I'm NOT a loser! It's a, uh, networking tool for my, um, business." Then I realized I actually WAS a loser!)

Then, this morning, after gouging my eyes out from doing my online banking- I opened a message from my bank that said they, also, were unable to send messages to my e-mail account since it was invalid. Finally, a legit reason to contact the fuckheads at Charter, once again! The first 2 times- they wouldn't help me since I use my Charter e-mail through Outlook Express- what kind of crap is that???

Eventually, I pulled out the profanity, big guns and the "let me talk to you supervisor, DellaLishia!" The supervisors were actually helpful and didn't dismiss me and did some 'reconfiguring' of codes. Still. doesn't. work.

***Yesterday, I was driving to the mall, to try and get my head on straight, and my cell phone rings. I was pissed off because I was in the middle of listening to Howard Stern playing a clip of Margaret Cho talk about her sexual escapades because, apparently, she lost a bunch of weight and is a big bisexual ho-bag slut, now.

My husband: "You're not going to believe this one! The school just called."
Me: "OH GOD- what? "

The Principal says my son had been caught listening to his i-Pod in class and the teacher took it away and the songs had lude and explicit lyrics. I need to come up to school and pick up the confiscated i-Pod and we will discuss his consequences.

First, you will need to know that we moved to this school when my son was in 5th grade. Our last school, also a Catholic school, LOVED him! Never had any problems, got good grades, and the teachers and students all adored him.

The first week at our current school , he started getting "infractions". Silly stuff, if you ask me. He said "that sucks" when told they weren't going to get a recess, and basically just talking. At first, my primal instinct was to defend him since this was out of nowhere! After about 5 infractions and a detention, I was beside myself and didn't know what to think. I made arrangements to meet with the administration and the "5th grade team". One teacher, clearly, was not fond of my son and bashed him left and right. There was one teacher that couldn't fathom what problems he could be causing due to his good behavior in her class and one teacher that defended him because he was new to the school and procedures. I ended up breaking down crying during that meeting making a complete fool of myself and left with no closure, just more confusion!

I am very tough on my son. I expect a lot out of him. He does his chores, is good with his sisters (most of the time), and does his homework. He is no angel, but frankly, his biggest offense is talking back to me and sneaking corn chips up to his bedroom. He knows right from wrong and is a decent kid and a NORMAL 14 year old boy.

So, now in our 4th year here, my son has been labeled "the bad kid". He gets infractions weekly, some that the teachers admittedly give him by mistake because they blame him since he's near, but they never take them back! His grades and his confidence have suffered greatly at this school, he can't make a move without being reprimanded. I have been told by SEVERAL different people in this parish that these teachers 1.) have a problem with boys and 2.) 'mark' a few boys as scapegoats for every offense. I now believe it.

So, back to the i-Pod... I, personally, download ALL music onto his i-Pod- only the clean lyrics (the only cursing he needs to hear is from my fucking mouth, right?) We have one computer -and it's a desktop- in the family room- that I usually monopolize! If he needs it for a class project, I am only a few steps away in the main traffic area of our house.

My husband spoke to the Principal, not me, he is clueless does not know about the i-Pod or the computer and just assumed my son's guilt. I knew better and made a detour to the school to give them a taste of my mind. About explicit lyrics. While I'm listening to Margaret Cho talk about "ATM sex"- look it up- the irony is delicious!

I walk into the office with a swagger, pretty confident that I was right (I won't lie, there was a touch of worry and doubt, thinking he may have snuck to a computer and downloaded NWA, in which case, I would probably have cried- AGAIN!) I am buzzed in after another mom of a 'marked' boy leaves - IN TEARS- our boys have been the brunt of a lot of blame together and I really felt her pain!

I sit down at the Vice Principal's desk. He picks up the i-Pod and flips the VIDEO i-Pod towards me (my son just has a Nano)- cue gloating and HUGEMONGOUS SIGH OF RELIEF- "that is NOT my son's i-Pod!" He seemed rather confused why my son would be taking the blame for this. I explained to him our delinquent journey through this school (the VP is new to the school this year). How he has been reprimanded for "talking back" when declaring his innocence and "being a snitch " when denying part and pointing fingers at WHO actually did the offense, so now he just shuts up. I waged how the teacher PROBABLY didn't even ASK if it was his, just made an assumption (I was right). I told him he needs to look into the unfair treatment of some of the boys in the school. I was passionate and emotional and didn't curse once- I think another medal is in order!

I walked out of the office with my chest held high and could hear roar of cheering crowds in my head! When my son got home, I asked him how long he listened to this i-Pod? The boy had just leaned over and said "Listen to this" and put the ear bud in his ear and that's when the teacher caught my son! Discipline should not be played like a game of Hot Potato! My son is NOT a criminal- talk to him!

*** We St Louisans are beaming with pride today. Why, you ask? Because BusinessWeek.com has declared our city #2 on the list of America's Unhappiest Cities!

Here's how we stacked up in the standings...
Overall rank: 2
Depression rank: 13
Suicide rank: 22
Crime (property and violent) rank: 1
Divorce rate rank: 18
Cloudy days: 164
Unemployment rate (December 2008): 8.2%

I was wondering what the hell was wrong with me all week? Thank you Business Week! Now, we're even MORE depressed!!!

Life's Greatest Questions-Answered!

Thanks for your diagnosis. The verdict: I need more sex, iron, vitamins, meds, booze, and a crochet afghan. I may possibly be depressed (um yeah, I think that's a go!), could benefit from the bashing of disabled that are tone deaf (that's a give in), and may have Seasonal Affective Disorder- all very true! I think I may be sick, too. Remember how I mentioned I've been trying desperately to clear my throat and hacking up a lung in the process, but never clearing my throat fully of all of the phlegmy shit, well that's still a problem, but now my 8 year old is coughing so hard she throwing up. Nice! Just another damn reason I need to leave the comfort of my blanket cocoon! So maybe I really do have something! If I can't clear this lugie soon- this may really affect my future singing career- wha? You didn't know about my singing career?

I need to get rest, but here are the answers to the questions you sent...

Jen wants to know...
-Who is your favorite contestant this season so far? Any guesses on who you think will win?


My family RELIGIOUSLY, has watched American Idol since the first tryout episode of the first season! It is the one of the very FEW things that we agree on and do together as a family without whining, bitching, moaning, and throwing things- they do argue over butter-flavored or Kettle corn, but you pick your battles- I make both even though everyone knows butter flavor is the best!

This season is a little odd because the people that seemed good in Hollywood Week- haven't done great in semi-finals. There are always sleepers that they don't showcase during Hollywood Week- I think that's done on purpose- that come out and surprise you on stage.


Of course, I like Danny, he's a good singer and has a great story, but I can already tell that I'm going to get sick of hearing that his wife died! Is that cold? Who cares. Anyway, so far this year, I haven't been blown away by too many- I have liked Alison Iraheta and Anoop Dog. Lil Rounds was good, but I think her Mary J. Blige/Fantasia thing will bore me after about 2 weeks. Jorge also impressed me with his Elton John, Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me, but let's be honest- there's only room for Marc Anthony and Enrique Iglesias, after that, they all start to sound the same . I think Adam is a good singer- he is a professional already, afterall! He is too theatrical, though, and his rendition of Satisfaction made me want to pull my fingernails off- I hated it!

I hope Ricky Braddy, Jesse Langseth, and Anoop do well and get the remaining wild card spots- I cannot, with good conscience, make a pick for a winner, yet. I take this shit seriously!

-Who is your favorite Idol contestant of all time? Elliott Yamin- his voice is like butta!

-Do you sing? If you were on Idol, what song would you perform? I do sing- not necessarily well, but on pitch. I took voice for many years, I just don't have the greatest 'tone' or 'soul' to my voice! I LOVE rocking a Karaoke, though, and I have thought about this before. I can rock out a Fiona Apple, Criminal or Shadow Boxer pretty well. My husband thinks it should be We Belong by Pat Benatar- I sang that at a seedy Karaoke bar one night and "the crowd stopped in its tracks"- I think that's an exaggeration, but oh well!


I HATE country music, but actually think my voice is better suited to sing country- I would have to consider Before He Cheats- that's a fun one (and I think may be one of 3 country songs I know!) If there was a Broadway Idol- I could kick ass with anything from Rent, Chicago, or Hairspray!

The Mom Jen wants to know...
What is the best quality you love about yourself?!

Growing up, you're told to be honest. We teach our kids to be honest. We're told that honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship. I am VERY honest. Too honest, in fact. My mom's teachings of truthfulness backfired on her and by the time I was about 15, she started preaching to me the quality of tact and how sometimes "it's better to say nothing at all." My husband often says "I wouldn't want to rob a bank with you." He's right- I would sooo turn him in. I can't lie!

So although I have been criticized for it, I'm proud of my honesty, dammit!

Three Boys One Mommy wants to know...
Why would you imply Anderson Cooper is gay when you know I love him and would leave my whole world for him!?! Why would you break my heart that way?

Because he is. Come on ladies, I love him, too, but we have to stop denying the facts and let the guy live his life in peace with his hot gay boyfriend!

Deb wants to know...
do you think michael was able to lose all the weight to save anyone from being eliminated last night? (Biggest Loser)

I want to say yes because you just gotta root for the kid, but I'm playing right into the teasing hands of NBC and they left with a clip of Bob saying "NO!" and looking disappointed, so I don't think that he did!

Just a Chic wants to know...
Where's the strangest place you've ever had sex?

It would be a toss up between an elevator in a hotel on New Year's Eve or in an old boyfriend's parent's bed- with a mirror on the ceiling! I swear to you, that boyfriend's dad bought me lingerie for Christmas- I'm pretty sure he had a camera set up in that room, too! ICK!