Wednesday, March 11, 2009

SUCKA

Apparently, I was raised in a bubble, a poor white trash bubble with butterflies and rainbows. I always thought people were inherently good and honest, I expected it. I am naive. I am a sucker.

Like the time I signed up for an "envelope stuffing" career- it was going to be my big break. I sent off a check for $35 and waited for my start up supplies. They never came. The phone number and address on the ad were fake. I'd been had. Fuckers.

Anyway, scams piss me off. Mostly because I'm an idiot and fall for them.

Like the time I paid $34 to be registered to a Survey Pool online. I could take as many surveys as I wanted and would make money from each- anywhere from $1-$75 per survey. I went through all of the sites and didn't qualify for any surveys. Then, finally, I qualified- YAY- pass me my winnings... NO CASH FOR YOU! Your name gets put into a drawing with 845,362 other pushover losers for $25,000. Hook, line and sinker.

So, I've eased you in. You think I'm a moron now, just wait.

About 10 years ago, in the middle of my birthing years, I was desperate to drop lingering baby weight and as gullible as ever. I watched an informercial in the middle of the night for a revolutionary weight loss program. The claim: just minutes a day, no strenuous exercising, lose up to 14 inches the first week - I know, I'm a lazy dumb fuck, but it sounded ideal.

The broad claimed to be in her 50's and despite the fact that it was the late 90's and she looked like she still had fresh pit sweat from the Olivia Newton John's Physical video 18 years earlier, she was thin. I wasn't taking style advice from her Jane Fonda camel toe crotch, I wanted to lose weight! I was willing to take the chance that she had "the secret'- not to be confused with another completely different level of unsuspecting schmuck.

So I ordered it. I have no idea how much I paid for it. Too much, I'm sure. As you may have guessed, it didn't work. Mostly because I felt like the world's biggest ass doing it and only tried it a handful of times before my paranoia got the best of me and I was convinced there was a hidden camera following me.

When I received it, and started it, I thought it was a joke. If you have issues with incontinence or bowel control, this isn't the workout for you.



The memory of this popped into my head the other day. I hadn't thought of it since I TOTALLY bullshitted my way through selling it to a large black woman wearing a muumuu and a do-rag at my garage sale about 8 years ago. Who's the sucker now? Probably still me, because I think I sold her the 3 video set for 50 cents and I'm certain that I didn't pay less than $50!

Thanks to Ryan@ Pacing the Panic Room who tweeted this video earlier today making me an irresponsible blogger to NOT write about it since he did all the legwork. Who knew it would become a Youtube rage? Who knew there was going to be something called Youtube?


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24 comments:

The Mom Jen said...

I had the thigh master, the ab roller, and countless other scams too...I swear there's virtual visual crack in those commercials that turn you into a drooling freak and then subliminally make you reach for your credit card! I'm weak.

The Panic Room said...

this is incredible We used to play her tapes at the bar I worked at... imagine a bar full of drunks watching this and trying it out. So fun.

I think it's incredible that you admitted to not only owning this, but trying it more then once :)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Was that for real? Are you serious? Wow! I need to make my own work out videos too.

Ann said...

What the HELL?
All right. I wonder what this woman looks like now.

(And what does it say about me that I did the whole routine right along with her?)

Tiffany said...

Okay, I am crying right now.

Girl.

You are so my people.

I have done each of these things.. plus anything that happens to be on when I flip pass HSN or QVC.

I totally remember that chick.

Thanks for the laugh, as usual.

Threeboys1mommy said...

We all know about my bowel control issues.

Deb said...

good thing she was wearing a leotard for that!

michelle said...

Somewhere in corporate America, there is room full of people planning the next great scam-infomercial. They have a life size cardboard cut out of ME in front of them. They are planning what to make me buy.

They know me so well.

They must have one of you as well.

Deb said...

Camel toe...giggle snort!

Jen said...

this is why I don't let myself watch infomercials anymore - I'm a sucker too. I refuse to list all the idiotic purchases I have made because of being gullible.

The Daily Blonde said...

Last weekend I was up late and couldn't sleep... watched infomercials. Why? No idea. Because they are so stupid and sometimes I sit and think, "hmmm..maybe it does work" and I order it. Never works. Oh well.

Soxy Deb said...

3 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Gotta go, I peed my pants.

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

This is why it is a good thing that I don't have TV. I guess if I can't see the infomercials I have a better chance at resisting them.

Mariah said...

I'm a freaking sucker ass for all that shit too... Except not now, b/c I don't have $19.95 to buy those extra fancy socks that moisturize and detox you when you sleep. Have you seen them?

Under the Influence said...

What is it about scam-mercials that rope us in? I just try not to watch them!

Southern Sage said...

Well since I always want to help folks out I have come up with a plan to help you!!

The next time you feel as though you are getting suckered send me the money. I will then send 1/2 of it back to you in monthly installments, I'll keep the other 1/2 for shipping and handling.

Let me know if you need my address.

Brittany said...

You have my cell number...next time you are up at 3am...call ME instead of the 800 number:)

Deb@Mommie Mayhem said...

Wow wtf lol

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

lol..you are not the only sucker...that's why these people keep doing that crap. I have been duped too...but I'm not telling anyone!!

CaraBee said...

That video can't be real! It is too funny! I definitely got an ab workout from the laughter. I needed that. Thanks!

Marilyn said...

OMG... I swear I was doing it as I watched the video.
Kind of like when you open your mouth to apply mascara.
I feel like such an idiot.
I am SO sending this to my Sister and telling her it really works!

Sotorrific Twins said...

Holy crap! I can't belive this woman made money doing this! Hahaha (and no offense to you for buying it but its f'ing hilarious).

And now my face feels funny...does that mean its working?

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

I dont now what is funnier....the woman actually doing that on the video or my 3 year old following her instructions while we watched, roflmao...hyserical.

Mel Fraase said...

HA ha ha! I just watched the video now. I would have to say if you have incontinence issues you shouldn't even watch this much less try it. I have to go change now.

Don't worry, I got suckered into an expensive dance/aerobic/video series that I have yet to open past the first video...in three years.