Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Some Like it Hot and Free

My sister is the cheapest woman in the universe. I used to find it commendable- the deals she would find and the money she would save. I've never been the patient type to find GREAT bargains- I'm a knowledgeable enough shopper, I know the value of things, I read the ads, use the occasional coupon, but nothing fanatical. She and I used to be similar in our practical sense, but somewhere along the line, her thrifty ways have become extreme and mine have become more lax. I do enjoy a splurge once in a while. I like nice things. My sister HATES it- despises it- is completely contemptuous about self-indulgence. True story: for Christmas, my mom needed to spend about $25 more on her and asked her what she wanted... grocery gift certificates! My dad gave us Spa gift cards for Christmas- she can't fathom spending $100 on any 'overpriced' treatment- she's selling it on Craigslist!

Anyway, she gets these coupons for "5 FREE TANS" for a local tanning salon. Of course, the objective of these coupons are to get the sucker person in the door and up- sell them into a 'package', a membership, or ridiculously overpriced BRONZING lotion (I guess they can justify the mark-up because of its fancy name.)

I get it. I've done sales before. I know how to bullshit with the best of them. And usually, I completely fall for it. Not only because I'm a sucker, but I'm also a true believer in you get what you pay for and sometimes quality has its cost. Usually. Now, we're broke. I still have needs, just no dignity... I count out pennies for my one weakness-McDonald's coffee each morning- they freaking love me at that drive thru window!

My sister called me yesterday and said she had an extra coupon for tanning (she had an ulterior motive- I'd watch her kids while she goes and vice versa). Naturally, I accepted- it was free. However, I was afraid. I don't have my sister's frugal strength. I knew I was going to have to face the sales person and pass over the coupon. I was going to have to stand my ground- grit my teeth and say "no thanks- just give me the poor people free package, please." I knew I was going to be tempted by her fancy UV language and lure of glittery lotions that make your skin tingle!

I had to take one for the economically strained team and avoid that temptation and nostalgia that came over me when I walked in and smelled the char of burning flesh-I admit it- tanning bed skin smell takes me back to a simpler time when my only worries were venereal diseases, silencing my orgasm so my mom wouldn't catch me and if the effects of the drugs I took would wear off before I had to be at work.

I ignored the desire to become a slutty, misguided teenager again and JUST SAID NO. It wasn't without guilt, though. As my pasty naked body lie in the glass florescent tomb in puddles of my own sweat, I contemplated it. I was getting something for nothing and I felt cheap and ashamed about it! Damn it! I tried to avoid those slutty, misguided teenager feelings, but there they were!
Everyone likes getting stuff for free, right?

How would you like to be a slutty and misguided in the privacy of your own home (or your hot neighbor's, whatever)- FOR FREE- no guilt required? I won't even try to upgrade your purchase or sell you KY Jelly! No feelings of cheap shame (unless you like it like that!)

First-go to Eden Fantasys and look around. It's much less pressure than walking into the adult sex shops that have the dominatrix mannequins in the window- they totally freak me out- and they're filthy- and not in the good way. Like in the way where your shoes stick to the ground as you walk and your kind of grossed out wondering what's the cause of the goo under your feet since the shelves are lined with theatrical masterpieces like Sperms of Endearment, The Sperminator, and Free My Willy- makes you wanna go clean the bottom of your shoes!

On that website, along with earth shattering, life changing sex toys, you'll see a woman getting all hot and bothered by a Calla Lily- and who doesn't, but I want to know- what else gets you going... what keeps the fires burning for you?

Leave a comment- tweet the contest (leave me a link)- tell me what product you would like to help you heat up? You will get an entry for each.

The winner will receive one item of your choosing valued at $65 and under from Eden Fantasys!

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25 comments:

Twisted Lisa said...

Ok, since I am now technically single and can't even REMEMBER the last time I had sex...let alone GOOD sex...I need to win this contest!

ciara said...

not all sex shops are nasty lol went to quite a few nice ones in toronto once lol i keep trying to win a new toy, maybe third time a charm??

ciara said...

here's the tweet: (i'm desperate) lol
http://twitter.com/ciaraj13/statuses/1350587916

TentCamper said...

so I was reading the post and was waiting for you to say that you went into that tanning bed with a vibrator and had a REALLY good time. Oh well.

TentCamper said...

I tweeted it
http://twitter.com/TentCamper/status/1350668459

TentCamper said...

I love all sex toys!!!

TentCamper said...

I want the Optimum power blow job stroker

TentCamper said...

oh...and the Jenna's Vagina and Ass.

I'll hang it on the wall ...like a hunter's trophy!

Jenni Jiggety said...

That was like, the BEST transition EVER! LOL! I was all la la la, free tanning and then BAM! Free sex toys!

Megryansmom said...

Well I certainly didn't see that sales pitch coming HA pardon the pun

Under the Influence said...

I have a toy we haven't even tried out yet! I'm sure it will be good though...

Complicated Mama said...

Haha Great post as usual.

The tickle her pink stuff looks interesting.

Ps- thanks for reminding me how disgustingly pasty I look and am in dyer need of a tan .. does your sister have an extra coupon? lol

Terri said...

I want the remote distance dolphin. I'm a perv and feel my rabbit needs a break. But twisted lisa really needs to win. But I want the dolphin!

http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/rabbit-vibrators/long-distance-dolphin

CaraBee said...

I've only been in a sex shop once and I was completely amazed at some of the crazy shit people use for sex. A full arm from the elbow? Seriously? Whatever floats your boat, though. Me? I'm liking the look of that Fonzie.

Twisted Lisa said...

Here is my tweet, http://twitter.com/Twisted_Lisa/status/1350368716
And yes, Terri is right...I do need this one...lol
I want the rechargeable rabbit, I'll pay extra!

amelia bedelia said...

I'm so hoping I win this one! I've entered every dang contest to win a freakin sex toy. Ok, I seriously haven't decided...I want that couples thing. Sorry, I forgot the name!

amelia bedelia said...

Ok, I'm going to the website now to look. (does this count as an entry?)

amelia bedelia said...

and don't pick that damn tent camper....he's got mariah!

MelADramatic Mommy said...

What gets me is knowing what my husband is thinking and looking forward to when our son finally goes to bed. The build up and anticipation can make for pretty great nights.

Dr Zibbs said...

I'm always looking for a great deal but my obsessiveness has weakened over the years.

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

I totally agree with Jenni, that transition was awesome, so smooth I didn't even see it coming!

Mrs4444 said...

Too tired to shop. Why don't you pick out something nice for me?

This post (about your sister) was brilliantly written :) And BTW, in my cheap days, I once split a subscription with my cheap friend Kandee to, believe it or not, The Tightwad Gazette!"

Terri said...

me again....I want to win that damn dolphin. If I do win, I'll blog about the time Twisted Lisa went to the local sex store and specifically WHY we were there.

Twisted Lisa said...

wait just a minute!!! Terri, you said I really needed to win...so no double entries! And I can tell the story too, after all, I was at the sex store too!!!

Amy said...

wow - that was an INCREDIBLE transition ... totally didn't see that coming :)