Still in the Closet

I hooked up the Google analytics last week. That, by no means, is an implication of me knowing how to use it or understand what they are 'analyzing'. However, I was curious, so I tried.

My assumption was that I had my base 'bloggy' friends- those that comment, that I visit that their site regularly, and I consider acquaintances and friends. On a great day, I was thinking 20 peeps were peeking in on my dysfunction.

Since July 13, it appears that there have been just over 1000 visits- Holy Crap!!! Sure that's what a 'big hitter' does in an hour or so, but that's so exciting to little ol' me! Apparently there are a few lurkers sniffing around these parts and I'm OK with that- lurk away! I just feel pretty flattered that so many people are being accidentally directed from their search engine visiting my blog!

I don't have family or friends reading- so this is all out in cyberspace! It is my dirty little secret.Click on that link and read so you will understand the following, please!!!

I wrote that post when I was still very green to this (I feel I'm a nice shade of celadon now). Most of the things are still true. It is still a secret, completely. I still feel guilty about that, but I still feel I am not ready to share this part of myself with people face to face. I'm quite certain that my husband would still think that I am a part of a pornography ring (and you're all accomplices!)

On the other hand, there is now a part of me that wishes I could share this with the people I know. I've have met such, great, kind, supportive people and it makes me sad that I can't share those friendships with people in my real life.

My blog fodder is true and depicted from every aspect of my life. I'm certain if my sister stumbled across this blog, she would think she was having a deja vu! Every time I bitch post about issues with my husband, it's just a recap of what I've already said to him. I don't conceal anything in my writing and I do now tell my husband that I'm journaling. There are no 'secrets' here (besides the fact that I am sharing it with you, of course, OK, so I guess that's a secret.)

In real life, I am an open book. I say too much, am too honest, I tell it like it is and could use a censor beep for about every other sentence I mutter. That is, if I let you in. I have a history with everyone that knows the 'genuine' me. Enough time has gone by, that I felt safe enough to be authentic.

The anonymity of blogging has given me the ability and courage to be myself from the start without fear of rejection or judgement. This is me- you don't like me- you go somewhere else- it's pretty simple.

I have recently found some blogs authored by locals in my area. Although I read them and enjoyed them, I did not comment. I am not a narcissist, and I know the feasibility is improbable, but the rare chance of 'x' knowing 'y' knowing 'z' leading back to me crossed my mind. The fear of being 'found out' was palpable. I was afraid of six degrees of separation leading back to me.

Why? In my mind, at least I'm sure in the mind of people like my husband, this is an unknown forum. Unfamiliarity scares people. Hell, it scared me until I got my feet wet and realized that there was nothing cryptic taking place, here.

I wonder if blogging will ever become more widely accepted as a source of communication. I wonder if it will ever be thought of as a current day, innocent type of 'pen pal'. I wonder if I will ever share this with the tangible people I associate with. I wonder if they'll ever be able to handle it.