Sunday, July 27, 2008

Still in the Closet

I hooked up the Google analytics last week. That, by no means, is an implication of me knowing how to use it or understand what they are 'analyzing'. However, I was curious, so I tried.

My assumption was that I had my base 'bloggy' friends- those that comment, that I visit that their site regularly, and I consider acquaintances and friends. On a great day, I was thinking 20 peeps were peeking in on my dysfunction.

Since July 13, it appears that there have been just over 1000 visits- Holy Crap!!! Sure that's what a 'big hitter' does in an hour or so, but that's so exciting to little ol' me! Apparently there are a few lurkers sniffing around these parts and I'm OK with that- lurk away! I just feel pretty flattered that so many people are being accidentally directed from their search engine visiting my blog!

I don't have family or friends reading- so this is all out in cyberspace! It is my dirty little secret.Click on that link and read so you will understand the following, please!!!

I wrote that post when I was still very green to this (I feel I'm a nice shade of celadon now). Most of the things are still true. It is still a secret, completely. I still feel guilty about that, but I still feel I am not ready to share this part of myself with people face to face. I'm quite certain that my husband would still think that I am a part of a pornography ring (and you're all accomplices!)

On the other hand, there is now a part of me that wishes I could share this with the people I know. I've have met such, great, kind, supportive people and it makes me sad that I can't share those friendships with people in my real life.

My blog fodder is true and depicted from every aspect of my life. I'm certain if my sister stumbled across this blog, she would think she was having a deja vu! Every time I bitch post about issues with my husband, it's just a recap of what I've already said to him. I don't conceal anything in my writing and I do now tell my husband that I'm journaling. There are no 'secrets' here (besides the fact that I am sharing it with you, of course, OK, so I guess that's a secret.)

In real life, I am an open book. I say too much, am too honest, I tell it like it is and could use a censor beep for about every other sentence I mutter. That is, if I let you in. I have a history with everyone that knows the 'genuine' me. Enough time has gone by, that I felt safe enough to be authentic.

The anonymity of blogging has given me the ability and courage to be myself from the start without fear of rejection or judgement. This is me- you don't like me- you go somewhere else- it's pretty simple.

I have recently found some blogs authored by locals in my area. Although I read them and enjoyed them, I did not comment. I am not a narcissist, and I know the feasibility is improbable, but the rare chance of 'x' knowing 'y' knowing 'z' leading back to me crossed my mind. The fear of being 'found out' was palpable. I was afraid of six degrees of separation leading back to me.

Why? In my mind, at least I'm sure in the mind of people like my husband, this is an unknown forum. Unfamiliarity scares people. Hell, it scared me until I got my feet wet and realized that there was nothing cryptic taking place, here.

I wonder if blogging will ever become more widely accepted as a source of communication. I wonder if it will ever be thought of as a current day, innocent type of 'pen pal'. I wonder if I will ever share this with the tangible people I associate with. I wonder if they'll ever be able to handle it.

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21 comments:

jill jill bo bill said...

I am So with you, sister! But on that same note, I would rather meet up with my bloggies than with some of my known acquaintances.

Plus, I am one at the mall who sees a cute dark headed chicklet with short hair says, "Hey, could that be Tinakim?"

You are absolutely deserving of all those hits. You da' bomb!

Ann said...

This is all so new, really. I mean, most of us are trying to figure it out, right?
(I don't know how half of this works! Click on this link, copy/paste, join this group for thousands more hits a day, etc. Truly I'm lost most of the time.)
I agree that this is a modern day 'Pen Pal' situation.
I like that.
And I wonder what my family would think if they read my blog. Would they see me differently? Hmmmm.

Drowsey Monkey said...

My family & friends know about my blog, as does my boss ... who reads it frequently, LOL. My sister & niece read it daily ... I quiz them on it ;) But what I write on my blog is exactly what I'm like in real life.

I don't tell all the people I work with or know about the blog because most don't get it and it's my hobby and not everyone's business, but there's nothing on my blog that I'd be embarrassed if anyone read.

A friend of mine didn't get it ... she thought it was like a chat room. I told her to think of it more like a little community newspaper, and I wrote a column in it. That made sense to me, but not sure she got it! LOL

Terri said...

I can't get the link to work?!?! :o( I'm honest on my blog too but there are still many people I know in real life that would make me feel creepy if I knew they were reading! Weird eh?

Deb said...

1000 hits? Wow! You're doing great! (she says with a hint of jealousy in her voice). You know, as far as telling people about your blog, you have to do what works for you. I have a select handful of friends and family that reads, but do not tell most people. But, if we do go on the roadtrip, in the SLUTTY (love that word) van, you'll have to tell, I guess.

Tenakim said...

Gosh- sorry guys! See if that link works now!

Tiffany said...

My parents would die if they ever read my blog because I don't cuss around them and I'm very quiet around most people. Very few people know the "real" me but those that do wonder why I can't be like that with everybody. I CAN be me in my blog and be goofy and cuss and act totally retarded. That's me! I don't know why I can't be like that around everybody but I just can't. I guess I have to trust you to a certain extent. I think you are awesome and as honest of a friend anyone could have. Your friends are very lucky to have you.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

I told my husband, because at the time he was feeling like I was hiding things...and I wanted him to NOT feel that way...now I wish I had kept it to myself...a safe haven so to speak. I am who I am...and a lot of people IRL don't seem to like it...and I guess, that's ok with me...I do complain a bit on my blog...but that's because it's apparently RUDE to tell people that what they have done hurts you...so I blog, and if they read (and I think they do and don't tell me) then they get what they get, and oh well...
Again...I sooooo think we are sisters!

HappyHourSue said...

Girl, trust me, stay in the closet. I have so many things I want to blog about but can't because my family and parents read it. hell, i agonized over the Joe Jonas comment because of my Dad. That blows. (but check me out: I did it anyway because it's true! i so want to jump him!) I wish I had kept my mouth shut.

The Mom said...

The closet isn't so bad. Throw a fridge and a little t.v. in there and it'll be cozy.

Manic Mom said...

So where did you put the code? I'm trying to hook mine up now.

Neurotically Yours: said...

I think we're a lot alike :) I do have people that I wish didn't know about my blog -I feel like I'm censoring myself too much!

jaime said...

wow! i thought i was strange that no one knows i blog and here you are doin the same thing!! my family has no clue...i had a blog elsewhere for like 2 years and my husband never even knew---then i came to blogger and he knows i have this one, and i have nothing to hide it's just that i thought he would think JUST LIKE YOU SAID: "she must be flirting w/ men online or some shit". but he's actually happy i talk to other mommies now. HOWEVER, none of my friends know about it, TWO do...but they are friends that i just hooked up w/ recently online that i knew in high school. I completely understand this entire post...and now i must go check out that link about your lil secret!

jaime said...

ok i read it. it's so funny that you do what i do...well, until recently when i told my husband. he never reads it anyways. but i understand your reasonings as well! and i agree w/ Sue's comment that telling people will make you sensor yourself- never thought of that! keep up what you are doing, cuz it's workin for ya...

C said...

I keep trying to leave a comment and it disappears into cyberspace! URGH! I hate computers sometimes! I don't even remember what I tried to say before.
~Christy

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

WOW, impressive!

I kinda wish I was in the closet too but only a handful of "real life" friends and family know about it. I don't want too many finding out about it.

I stalk...I mean visit your site daily usually more than once. What can I say I get bored at work :)

P.S. The kids have not seen their rooms yet. They don't get home till Wed.

Smart A$$ Mom said...

How funny you posted this just as I posted about outting oneself?!

Mrs4444 said...

My husband definitely knows I blog and that I'm into the Buzz, but he doesn't trust a lot on the Net. He suggests all the time that my "girlfriends" on the Buzz might actually be guys! Too funny. I'm glad you have your blog, Tena. It IS good therapy.

Lipstick said...

Oh this post is really great. When I first started, I didn't want anyone to know. Now I am having fun letting people in on my little secret.

Lipstick said...

P.S. How did you learn the ropes of Google Analytics? I am just using basic sitemeter and it is fun enough, but I would like to try Analytics. I have been too much of an idiot to figure it out though.

amanda said...

i promise not to comment again so that we don't discover our six degrees...but i am working on heather's quilt and just discovered you.

stay in the closet!! i am mostly out. my mom and mil don't know. i would like to keep it that way too :)