Dealing

I started this blog as a way to get things off of my chest. Luckily, for your reading pleasure, things have been fairly easy and painless in my life, for the most part. It truly has become a forum for 'what's on my mind'.

However, sometimes it's hard to make light of the tougher situations. I have written about these. I'm not sure if they fell on deaf ears or if people just avoid commenting like the plague because it's just uncomfortable. Truth is, though, these are really the things that I need to sort out and sometimes it's just too much a part of what's going on, to not mention it.

As I posted, my husband's moods have been, well, sporadic. I really do think that there is an imbalance there (PMS minus the MS!). In his defense, though, he has been struggling terribly since the death of his father, almost 3 months ago. It was, indeed, a strained relationship, but the different emotions that have been stirring up in him have thrown him into a grieving tailspin.

I am a very strong person and have been through a lifetime of therapy, group sessions, Al anon, you name it, I've sat on the couch! I can psycho babble through pretty much any situation and know how things are 'supposed' to go. I deal with death relatively well (sad as that may sound). I get the tears out, deal with the mourning, and move on to being the survivor.

I'm am having a real hard time maintaining my compassion for my husband's grief. I know that makes me sound bad, but it's true. I didn't like the man. That's not it, though. I really didn't like the dynamic that he and my husband had. It was very much 'little wounded puppy following around the master trying, begging for his approval.' It was painful to watch during his life. It's just as painful to watch him being martyred in his death, knowing what I know and seeing what I saw.

His grieving process is being further troubled by a malpractice lawsuit that his mom has initiated against the hospital. I know this may be common in their mourning process, needing someone to blame. I am very troubled by this on a personal level. He was a sick man, physically, emotionally, and mentally. If he had any life left in him, it was a troubled existence. In their pain, they are desperate to point a finger and, even more bothersome, gain monetary restitution.

In my mind, there may have been some poor chioces made regarding his care (by his own family) and, yes, maybe even some human error on the part of the medical staff. The fact remains they have to heal. I feel strongly that laying fault will just hold them all back from moving on and living their own lives.