Thursday, July 10, 2008


I started this blog as a way to get things off of my chest. Luckily, for your reading pleasure, things have been fairly easy and painless in my life, for the most part. It truly has become a forum for 'what's on my mind'.

However, sometimes it's hard to make light of the tougher situations. I have written about these. I'm not sure if they fell on deaf ears or if people just avoid commenting like the plague because it's just uncomfortable. Truth is, though, these are really the things that I need to sort out and sometimes it's just too much a part of what's going on, to not mention it.

As I posted, my husband's moods have been, well, sporadic. I really do think that there is an imbalance there (PMS minus the MS!). In his defense, though, he has been struggling terribly since the death of his father, almost 3 months ago. It was, indeed, a strained relationship, but the different emotions that have been stirring up in him have thrown him into a grieving tailspin.

I am a very strong person and have been through a lifetime of therapy, group sessions, Al anon, you name it, I've sat on the couch! I can psycho babble through pretty much any situation and know how things are 'supposed' to go. I deal with death relatively well (sad as that may sound). I get the tears out, deal with the mourning, and move on to being the survivor.

I'm am having a real hard time maintaining my compassion for my husband's grief. I know that makes me sound bad, but it's true. I didn't like the man. That's not it, though. I really didn't like the dynamic that he and my husband had. It was very much 'little wounded puppy following around the master trying, begging for his approval.' It was painful to watch during his life. It's just as painful to watch him being martyred in his death, knowing what I know and seeing what I saw.

His grieving process is being further troubled by a malpractice lawsuit that his mom has initiated against the hospital. I know this may be common in their mourning process, needing someone to blame. I am very troubled by this on a personal level. He was a sick man, physically, emotionally, and mentally. If he had any life left in him, it was a troubled existence. In their pain, they are desperate to point a finger and, even more bothersome, gain monetary restitution.

In my mind, there may have been some poor chioces made regarding his care (by his own family) and, yes, maybe even some human error on the part of the medical staff. The fact remains they have to heal. I feel strongly that laying fault will just hold them all back from moving on and living their own lives.

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Tiffany said...

Have you thought about getting him into some kind of therapy? I've never been so I don't know. You said that you've been in a few different kinds. Do you think it would help him? Everybody deals with death differently. Me, I push it aside. I'm not a cryer but I think one day it will all catch up with me. I know it must be hard for you to watch him like this but the only thing you can do is be strong for him. Good luck!!

C said...

Jeesh...that is tough. I think sometimes the hardest relationships to reconcile when there is a death are the one's that were dysfunctional. It's almost like you're mourning the loss of what never was, and what you wished it would've been (and maybe even harboring the hope that it may have gotten there, but now that the other person is dead, it's impossible.) I think it's hard to get closure on those issues once the person is gone.

I don't know what to say...I wish I could help in some way. I can feel your frustration and have empathy though. It's never easy when you have to watch someone you love struggle with something that you can't change for them. And don't feel bad--I think it's very normal to have anger around that. Sometimes you just want to be able to tell the person struggling to "knock it off--time to move on."
I'm glad that you share your feelings here--it's healthier for you to have an outlet I'm sure, and it shows that these kinds of situations in life are universal--we're all the same really.
Much love to you and your family Tena!
~Christy C
Heavy onthe Caffeine

Manic Mom said...

Death is death, we all deal diferently. But, it is important to let him deal the way he feels he needs to. Let him get it out because if he dosen't it will fester inside & create all kinds of trouble. Three months is not a long time when it comes to grieving & having a lawsuit probably henders the healing process. I'll be here for you Tena. It's tuff on you. I can only imagine how hard it is for you. I dread when my inlaws pass away, because it will kill Thanh. But they treat him like Crap, but he always goes running for their approval. To hell with them all Tena, let's go have drinks! Hugs!

scarletvirago said...

What a frustrating situation for you, trying to be a supportive spouse while at the same time angry at the way they're all handling it.

You DO have readers, so I hope the blogging really does help to get it off your chest. Hang in there!

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

I think it's harder to mour a poor relationship because there's always that little part of your brain that believes that things could have been better...I can only imagine what you are going through...I get frustrated when my DH talks to his parents at all...especially when they only call if they WANT something...and NEVER for any other reason...ugh.

AGain..sistas I believe you and me!!

Ann said...

I'm happy to hear that you've had experience with therapy so you know the signs and you know when things are going in the wrong direction.
How do you keep it together? How do you stay strong by your husbands side while trying to guide him toward something that you know will help him, yet he doesn't want any part of it?
So much to deal with.
I'm here. I check in.

Crazed Mom said...

Tena~3 months is nothing. It's taken me 12 years to completely accept the death of my son and my dreams of more children. Having my mom die 12 months after my son made it all so much more difficult.

Your husband might have many unresolved issues relating to his dad(been here with my spouse)and these might need some help for him to resolve.

Usually in grief, most people go through a numb period where it all seems surreal and then the pain hits blidsiding many people.

I know my husband has been tired of my depression and my fight with it for 12 years. Don't get me wrong I haven't been in a depression for 12 years...but I've had episodes of severe depression off and on.

Just another point of view here. HUGS because you deserve and need 'em. :)

Jill said...

I definitely resemble your type of grieving (with everything)... get it out, get over it, and move on - because life is too short.

Your husband clearly doesn't have that same point of view... and I have absolutely no advice to give... which is completely unlike me as I always have a thing or three to say.

I feel your frustration in this. It probably doesn't help right now that he's home and in your hair.

Keep writing and venting - I definitely think it helps to get it all out there.

BTW - does your husband read your blog? Or your comment section? Would it help? Just a thought.

Deb said...

Hey Tena,

So sorry for the wild ride you've been on. I think it is great that you can express and identify your feelings so clearly and honestly. I wonder if hubby would consider going to he open to suggestions like that? I've been in therapy for the last year, and I should have been there long before, but I had to get to the point where I realized I needed to go. Btw- thanks for telling that you have been in therapy. It is something most people don't talk about, and to hear that others have been there helps normalize it somewhat.
I'm sure I haven't been super helpful here, but know that you have a supportive base of readers and that we are glad to hear whatever it is you need to get off your chest.

Tena said...

{{{ Tena and family}}}}
I am so sorry your Dh is going through a rough time, I can't imagine what it is like to loose a parent, even if the realtionship was not the best. My husband lost his father in 2005, and it was a rough year afterwards. I will prayer that your Dh can find some peace in an uncertain time!

Continue to blog, if it brings you some kind of peace, you can than better pass that on to him!


Sogeshirtsguy said...

Wow that is tough. Hopefully time will take care of this wound and things will get back to normal soon enough.

Mrs4444 said...

In that case, I hope for a speedy resolution of the hospital stuff.

I have a hard time with people "sitting in their shit" and not taking steps to get out of their situation. Three months is a long time to still be "looking into" a group at your church; that would drive me crazy. My own husband struggles with occasional depression; I'm no professional, but I'm thinking that the cigarettes, Jack Daniels, and lack of exercise don't help. I wish I could help him; it's hard being powerless, isn't it?