Thursday, July 24, 2008

The real danger of insomnia

If you've ever had a newborn, you know the anxiety that goes with the night. The unknown of what's to come in the next several hours. I have been comparing my recent nocturnal issues with the puppy to those when I had newborns. The same elusive questions have plagued my mind.

When is just the right time to put him in his crate? (No need to call DFS, I didn't put any of my newborns in crates.) Did he eat enough? If he cries, do I let him cry, if so, how long. Will he eventually fall asleep? How long will he sleep?

Last night was a 'good' night. I crated him at midnight and he was QUIET and slept until 3:30. He, then, started scratching and I brought him outside to do his business- AND HE DID! I put him back in the crate and QUIET AGAIN!

So here I am, sort of adjusted to the 2 hours sleep I had gotten in the previous 2 nights, with a whopping 3 and a half hours sleep under my belt! I was refreshed and oddly wired. I don't know if it was all the sleep I had gotten or my beaming pride from the preliminary success of the crate and house training, but I wasn't sleeping.

Like many an insomniac, I went to my computer. I caught up on blog reading, hopping and dropped some A.M. comment love (I'm hoping it was coherent). Next step, the boob tube.

One word- infomercials! What is it about infomercials? Why do I always want what their selling? The 'hosts' are freaks and I don't believe a word their saying. The 'creators' are equally as full of shit and clearly just trying to close the deal. The testimonials are bologna- I don't believe for one second that 'Joey' lost 80 lbs and got ripped abs from doing your workout ONLY for 10 minutes a day- BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING ACTOR- and you can post a disclaimer that he is not an actor, but you're totally lying because you're in L.A. and everyone is an actor!

Why do they play them at the wee hours? Is it because people with sleep deprivation don't have the ability to filter. Their brains aren't thinking straight so they just pick up the phone? Or could it have to do with the reason for their insomnia? Financial stress, overweight?

Screw it - whatever the reason- my wish list got longer.

"Cheeks" - Crocs meet Birkenstock and claim to exercise your legs as you walk. Tony Little is the disgusting mullet meathead genius behind this one. WHY! I fell for it once, Tony! The Gazelle, do you remember, you promised it would change my life! You didn't mention that the life change would be having a bulky piece of shit exercise equipment to hang my clothes on! Why am I falling for you again! I want those damn shoes!

"Ten Minute Trainer"- Imagine looking svelte with six pack abs and dropping all the extra L B's by just working out 10 minutes a day! 'Nuff said, right? Hook, line and sinker!

I'm certain that in the next few weeks I will be chargingpaying 3 monthly installments of $39.95 for a workout dvd set that I will vow to use. I will also give in and fall for Tony's sales pitch and wear those ridiculous plastic shoes that will make my ass look great- why? Because I'm a sucker, a sleep deprived, overweight, financially strapped sucker- just their demographic!

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14 comments:

C said...

Oh my god--you really help me to not feel like I'm a total loser. I know! Goddamned infommercials...and another insomnia hazard--QVC! They make everything sound fabulous! And you need one (or twelve) of those things!

~Christy

Tiffany said...

QVC is the devil. It's like I'm a crackhead and they are my dealer. But DO let me know if those shoes work. Yes I TOO owned the Gazelle. And Tony Little you are a piece of lying shit!!

The Mom said...

You don't even know how many ab machines i *almost* bought in the middle of the night...the one I did buy sucked.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

LOL too funny. My kids LOVE infomercials. If only they would make some that got them excited about cleaning their rooms!

Eileen said...

Hi, came your way through by friend, Janice. Your puppy is adorable. We just got a Bichon/poodle. She is all white, and weighs about 6 pounds. She is a cuddler. However, she was having none of the crate at nightime. You are far better than I, cause I now have a puppy sleeping with me. She curls up and sleeps, not waking or having any accidents at all. Husband isn't thrilled, but who can blame him? I couldn't deal with the crying. I don't do well with lack of sleep and my girls don't either. I chickened out.

I stay away from infomercials at night. At that time, my head is so fuzzy, I could be talked into anything! I did buy a gazelle at a garage sale, and the stupid thing broke (wire) when I was using it. That is always great for self esteem!!

Nice visiting your blog, you are very,very funny.

The Hula Cuties said...

Tony Little is the devil! What is up with that hair anyway! LOL!

Thanks for visiting Lilo and the Stitch and for your kind words.

I have done the crate thing and the best thing to do, that I have found is to ignore the crying at night. Also, don't take them out of the crate while they are crying wait until they have settled down before getting him out. You don't want to teach him that crying gets him out of the cage! That's all I know, I hope that it helps you out and that you get some sleep soon!

Deb said...

Tena, you are right on! After my surgery last August, I spent a lot of time awake at night. Those damn things make you want to buy buy buy!!!

P.S. Let me know how the shoes work! :)

Jill said...

Wow - a whopping 3.5 hours of sleep. What are you going to do with all your spare time now?

I must admit that I do miss the infomercials - though I agree that Tony is a shister!

I've never ordered anything from late night TV, though I've often been tempted. Wait, I take that back. I have ordered Proactive Solution - and I love it. I keep going back for more!

BTW - did you get the photo I sent you?

HappyHourSue said...

Because this is cyber space, I am going to confess: I had a crush on Tony Little. I wanted him to point out my abs and then ravish me on the mat. There. i said it.

Mrs4444 said...

Great post. Let me know if you buy the DVDs and like them (seriously).

BTW-Long time no see...was it something I said?!

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

LOL...it will get easier..and the dog will eventually sleep...I see you are having some success already.

As for the late night tv choices...I do not envy you...I would rather read or surf the net than watch all those creepy infomercials...I don't even like watching the regular ones' during the day...

Ann said...

Oh the crap I bought from those damn infomercials!!!
(I tried to sell most of that off at our yard sale last weekend. It ended up in the 'Free' pile!)

La La said...

I don't sleep well and I live alone! And, I have purchased from those infomercials! Oh, the crap I've collected. I finally decided that under no circumstances am I allowed to watch the darn things.

jaime said...

i ALWAYS want what they are trying to sell- but never actually got any of it, yet.

Sorry your week has sucked so bad...i hope it's better next week!

how about the SHARKVAC? i think that's what it was called...it steam cleans your floor- i SOOO wanted that vaccuum. and i have no hard wood floors at all.