Friday, May 16, 2008

the definition of "Me"

We all define ourselves by something- job, family, appearance, whatever. For the last ten years, I have been labeled "stay at home mom", but I never defined myself as that. I considered myself just a mom. I love that I have been able to stay home with my kids, but I've always had this feeling that something was missing- as taboo as that statement may be- there it is.

I think some women are perfectly happy to be at home and raise their kids- I don't fall into that catergory. It's a daily internal struggle between selfishness and sacrifice. If the support system and appreciation is there, it makes it that much easier- I also don't have a lot of that. My husband works odd hours and is gone a lot. He has also become used to me being home and takes it for granted. I don't have friends that are close that I can bear my soul to when things becoming trying. These things make staying at home, a lonely place. It's not just that, though. It's what makes you- you.

I was always very independent growing up and was able to be my own person and fly by the seat of my pants. I was confident in relationships, work and life in general. I had time to grow and learn about what made me tick. When you become a mom- especially one that stays home, you run a fine line of losing that person you were. Your life becomes about everyone else. It takes a conscious effort to stay true to yourself. I'm afraid I have failed in that attempt.

The transition was easier when the kids were young, I didn't have time to stop and think about it. I think kids were like an adrenaline that lasted about 10 years. When you're running around after little ones, you're lucky if you get a chance to shower, much less, have the time to ask, who am I? My child adrenaline is wearing off. I'm left, not with regret, but with a game of catch up.

I know it will be here before I know it. My kids will be grown and won't want or need me around. That is the reason I do it. Unfortunately, my instant gratification self is having a hard time with justification.

In the meantime, I will keep doing things that help define "me". This blog, for example, has helped me take a hard, honest look at myself. I have found the ability to express myself and maybe regain a little bit of myself along the way.

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1 comment:

Ann said...

Love the honesty.
You are not alone in your feelings.
Let it out! I'm here for ya'!