Sunday, August 31, 2008

My sad attempt at a public service announcement

Yes, I'm OK. I just felt obligated decided to try to fix my yard this weekend since it appears that Sanford and Son have taken up residence here! Since Hotboy did a lovely job on the patio, he also killed my hard earned and much fertilized lawn. I have been so grossed out by the look of the backyard that I have not stepped out there in weeks. This is so unlike me. I am usually neurotic on the ball when it comes to yard work. So I have spent the bulk of the weekend pulling weeds- rich blog fodder, folks, let me tell you!

However, I will say that Hotboy will be returning tomorrow to install a garden wall. I would say that he may be appearing here soon, BUT since I've "come out" of the blogging closet, I am afraid that the jig may be up. I might be bordering that stalking, invasion of privacy, restraining order line, but since my scruples have been in question, I've not yet come to a clear cut decision- so stay tuned!

The reason I wanted to make my yard presentable is the rescheduling of my 70's party. I guess you just thought I was a bitch never followed up on this and kept all the fun details to myself. Well, no. Actually, we rescheduled because many people were unable to come. So, Saturday is the big day!

As I prepare for my party, I might want to fix the gaping hole in my shower (where tiles just started falling this weekend- quality craftsmanship people!). I'm not complaining though (I'm just popping a few extra happy pills to get me through it!) Although I may be expecting guests, one of them will not be Gustav.

I'm in the middle of the middle of the middle of America. I am not remotely affected by hurricanes (besides the fact that I will be vacationing in the gulf in October, assuming it's still there!)

When Katrina hit, we had just moved. We hadn't sold our old house and were living in the new one and in quite a predicament! Double mortgages, double maintenance, double utilities, the thought of it turns my stomach still! That was probably the deepest depression I have ever been in. We didn't know if it would ever end. I feel for the people right now in similar situations since the real estate market has worsened!

Anyhoo, as twisted as it may be, I thrived on watching coverage of Katrina. Sure, in a wrong way, it made me feel better about my stupid little problem. In a true perspective sort of way, though, it made me realize that there were worse problems I could have than having two homes- sure- 2 homes that we couldn't afford, but 2 homes, nonetheless!

My hurricane coverage addiction of CNN and The Weather Channel has again reared it's ugly head. I can't get enough. Again, it has come at a time, for me, where things have been tough. And again, oddly enough, the danger and the uncertainty that they are facing helps my outlook of my piddly little problems.

I hope everyone in the affected areas stay safe!

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Friday, August 29, 2008

Friday Fragments

Friday Fragments?

My favorite post of the week! Thanks to Mrs. 4444- I can just ramble whatever is on my mind and nothing has to mesh- thanks for the enabling!

You know, I don't like to get political, but Barack Obama rocked it last night. I was a staunch Hillary supporter and was really heartbroken at her not getting the nomination ( I really understand being a loser and not getting enough votes!!!) That being said, I listened last night with an open mind. This economy and George Bush has been kicking my ass and even if Obama can follow through with a third of his promises- I would be pleased!

To the guy with coke bottle glasses and bad hair in the primered Saturn sedan that tried to run me off the road this morning because I wasn't going fast enough for his taste... Does it make you feel like a big man, running a minivan off the road? Freaking dork! If you're running late for your job at the Quickmart, may I make a suggestion... drag your fat ass out of bed 20 minutes earlier and maybe deal with some of those inadequacy issues with a shrink. Just sayin'.

To the guy that runs the Stairclimber Cardio machine next to me every morning at the gym...Dude, SLOW DOWN! You're shaking the whole floor of the gym and, frankly, you're making me look like a total ass crawling at my moderate pace. What are you training for anyway? Running from the police- in a stairwell of a high rise building?

To the Bakery I used to go to for the most delicious Joe ever... WHY, for the love of God, did you change your coffee? I was there every morning after my workout. It took every ounce of my being to avoid the temptation of the delicious cakes, croissants, and mousses that taunted me each and everyday just for that coffee! I could have easily kept my lazy ass in the car and gone across the street for a bitter cup of Starbucks at their drive-thru, but NO! I chose to get out of the car and walk my sweaty, by most standards, unpresentable self into your establishment for my daily caffeine rush! You have truly let me down!

To the McDonald's Drive-thru worker with a little voice (you know the kind that naturally sounds like they've been sucking helium?) that now gives me my coffee... I apologize for Beebs asking you why you had a "funny voice". Kids will be kids. If it's any consolation, she also said "Fuck it" last week. And as we drove away she admitted that she has a funny voice, too, but she is 3 and you're, like 40, but bygones.

To the woman in a burgundy minivan next to me at a stoplight this morning... I saw you totally bawling. I felt your pain. I have no idea what it was caused by, but I still felt it and my heart ached for you. I wanted to roll down my window and tell you it would be OK- but I'm sure that would have been embarrassing for both of us. Whether you just found out of a death in your family, had a fight with your husband, just dropped off your 'baby' for his first day of Kindergarten, or found out from the pharmacy that they could not refill your prescription for Xanax, I get it and wanted you to know you're not alone!

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Thursday, August 28, 2008

It's hard out here for a pimp!

I'm clearly not in the witness relocation program YET, but I have put in a call and they have an identity and wig waiting for me, I'm told.

But here's the thing. I took this huge plunge and told several people that I blog (just to get votes for some lame-ass calendar, mind you) and NO ONE GOT BACK TO ME! Not one response. I was expecting: You're fucking nuts,you're surprisingly funny, I had no idea how screwed up you were, you hide it so well- anything! I got nothing. Which is waaaay worse!

God, what must they be thinking? How bad is it when they can't even insult me? I'm afraid, I'm very afraid! So consider yourself warned- if this site is unavailable- I may be in hiding- but I will return- fear not- certainly under an alias, though!

Since every ounce of my dignity is gone and I've been inspired by Jill Jill Bo Bill's diligence- vote for me, damn it! There are 3 more days. I have 62 votes. The leader has like 500+. So, I figure 400 more votes could put me in a good place (that's realistic, right?) Optimism is so unbecoming of me!

I've considered posting a plea on Youtube, but don't know how to do that, who said ignorance is bliss? The first day of voting when I begged for votes, I got 42 votes. The next day I checked Google Analytics and saw 169 visits to the site- that's low people! That really hurts. 127 people decided that profanity, honesty and neurosis is NOT hot? WTF? SNOBS!

So, last stitch effort, really this time- ask everyone you know that owns a computer (preferably 400 of your closest friends) to vote for me. If there are any tech savvy folks that want to put together a youtube video for me- I'm not above pimping myself out! Otherwise, I will see you on the flip side and in the up and coming NOT HOT BLOGGER CALENDAR- of which I am completely qualified!
scroll down to: TENAKIM (MY THERAPY)

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I need your help!

Ok, so I'm having some issues, I know, issues, me? Hard to believe!

I told some real life people (including my mom and husband) that I blog. I received the, just be careful what you say lecture more than I care to mention and that was the easy part.

I don't want to feel the need to change or censor my content- I have never held anything back and have always put everything out on the table- anythng else just wouldn't be me. I think my feelings have been appreciated, welcome, and echoed from most everyone that reads- I mean, have you seen all of the gay awards I've recieved?

I get an awesome release from it. I have rediscovered the ability to put full sentences together. I receive support, reassurance, and concern from the comments.

I have always tried my best to use this as a forum of what's on MY mind. I try not to make it about anyone else. Since 'coming out', I have begun to doubt what I have written. Did I ever go too far? How will it be taken? What will they say? Where can I hide?

Short of entering the witness relocation program, I haven't come up with a solution. I have, however, made the decision that I will continue to do what I have always done here because that is what has served me best.

Now, the fun part- where I put you to work. I could use words from you to convince my naysayers. Convince them that I'm not a total freak (Ok, that might be a stretch)- but maybe convince them that blogging isn't what makes me a freak! Convince them that I am not circulating a pornography ring here. Convince them that I am not carrying on lesbian love affairs here on the intawebz - or heterosexual for that matter! Convince them that bonds can be made with normal (a relative term) people that have similar struggles. Assure them that you will not cause me any harm- lie if you must, just do it!

I look forward to hearing your attempt at defending the blogosphere and me. I hope you can help reduce the judgement that comes along with opening up my life and crazy innermost thoughts to complete strangers and making 'friends' on the internet- yeah, good luck with that!

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Monday, August 25, 2008

throwing in the proverbial towel

Alrighty, yesterday was such a good day- mentally speaking. Then this Hot Blogger Calendar crept into my brain and the OCD took over. I became completely obsessed! I came out of the blogging closet to many of my 'real life friends' JUST TO GET A COUPLE VOTES! So, that's good, now they will know I'm a loser and be able to read how crazy I am, as well-FAB!

I kept asking myself...who needs this trip more than me? No One. I have not been away from my kids in 3 years and 4 months- no shit! We took a trip to the lake when Beebs was two months old- that's it! So, my admitting how pathetic I am should count for something, no? That's pretty damn pathetic.

Then I thought...I never win anything, granted, you have to play to win, most of the time, but I still don't win anything. I won a nasty Strawberry flavored cake from a bake sale raffle when I was in eighth grade. That's the first and last thing I ever won.

When I was a senior in high school, my mom made encouraged me to be in a local pageant for a scholarship. There were 7 girls. I was 6th runner up. Yes, it always confuses me, but including one girl as the winner, that would make me DEAD LAST! That was probably one of the most embarrassing moments in my life- it was even aired on the local cable channel- I was a train wreck!

So , all good things must come to an end. I must admit, it was fun while it lasted, but then that damn reality sets in! I decided that I should probably face the conclusion that I have been mathematically eliminated from this contest- because I am a realist! I actually was in the top half of the standings, which, in my mind, was a victory- as long as I wasn't DEAD LAST!

Then I hear that the server shut down last night from "overload"- I'm guessing that wasn't from people trying to vote for me, just a hunch.

During my obsession yesterday, I even figured out a way to put the voting box on the post to simplify your voting power- knowing how I'm not tech savvy, I thought I would keep it here because getting it was an accomplishment in itself! And if you haven't voted yet and feel so obliged to waste your vote pity me- that would be great!

hit CTRL plus the letter F and type in TenaKim(My Therapy) in the box- or you can scroll down.

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Good News All Around!!!

Nothing but good news to report today, people.

On the depression front, I saw a nurse practitioner that is trying out a few things and though I'm not perfectly satisfied, yet, we're on the right track. Baby steps, right.

Situationally, things are looking up, too. I have made it back to the gym for an entire week, now- thank god the kids are back at school! When I work out, it is like a magic pill (although the actual magic pills are good too).

I commit to eating better, showering (when time permits or I stink- I'm still a mom, after all), wearing clothes that don't look like I stepped out of a homeless shelter and simply feel better about myself.

A biggie! I got my husband's feet wet with "blogging". As you know, it's my secret. However, I have found it hard that I couldn't share what is becoming such an integral part of my life with him. Frankly, I think he was feeling it, too.

First things first, I had to define "blogging" to him. He is 'old school' and not tech savvy. Every time I'm on the computer, I know he's thinking Chris Hansen is going to walk through the door and break up my love affair online with an undercover policeman posing as a 15 year old amorous tease!

After my explanation, he was surprisingly still paying attention interested in hearing more. So, to the visual aids, I went. I couldn't very well argue my case for legitimacy of blogging without mentioning Dooce... and boy did I! You know the speech that comes before Lifetime Achievement Awards that essentially makes evident that their shit don't stink? It was like that. She was all that and a bag of chips (and mentioning her income didn't hurt!)

Then, as my confidence built and he was still in the same room listening to me, I thought I'd bring out the big guns. I played The Bloggess' Youtube video from Blogher- because when I first saw it, I peed myself. I was truly hoping he'd appreciate it. She had him at "cunt"! 'Nuff said.

Then to Mr. Lady, I thought he would appreciate her love for porn and her keen sense of humor. (FYI- Mr. Lady- my husband is looking forward to a night of just you, him, a chocolate bar and Redtube!)

Even though I didn't count on his arousal, it didn't backfire too much. Long story short, he got it- blogging, that is, not Mr Lady! He saw the entertainment value in it. He saw how I could benefit from a creative outlet such as this! He saw how I have found a support system that are not a bunch of dangerous perverts looking to take advantage of me (well, not all of them.)

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. It's still my secret and I trust that he will respect it is "my time". I will still say everything I always have, but , at least I won't have to carry the guilt of hiding it.

And last, but not least, I was nominated for the Hot Blogger Calendar- which completely cracks me up! I am not a confident person- so this is just funny to me. But, I'm not going to lie, it would be great fun.

So here's my challenge to you. Vote for me, then go to all of the computers you can find (because I think they only allow one vote per computer- unless you're a hacker - then, by all means!) Then go and vote for Jen The Mom, Happy Hour Sue, Jill Jill Bo Bill, and Insane Mama because I want to go with them and they're all hot, too!!! You can vote for McMommy too, she is also a bloggy friend and she is very hot, but she's also a shoe in, I'm thinking. So, recapping- vote for me and then go find 5 other computers and vote for my friends, got it???!!!

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Friday, August 22, 2008

I'm so Raven

Deb did one of these 'which celebrity do you look like?' kind of thing on her site yesterday- I love these and have never been to this one- so I went.
This is me:

This is my celebrity lookalike according to them? WTF? Way to kick a girl when she's down! Gimme a Break HA!(get it?)

It brought back memories... way back when (in April),when I first discovered this fun site and could spend hours playing with it. I have used about 20 different pictures and get random mix of 'lookalikes'. Like the first time, I still tend to look like a black woman, apparently. I also have many Asian lookalikes. I am not either of these.

One time, freakin' Angelina Jolie was on my list- I saved that one. It's on my MYSPACE page because I figured maybe I could fool the young kids over there that I was a MILF if I resembled Angelina- which I so don't! But in my defense, I don't think I look like Nell Carter, either!

I'm no Hot Blogger Calendar Girl which, by the way, you should definitely go nominate McMommy and Sue because that would be worth our weight in gold- our bloggy friends posing nude tastefully along side Dooce- PRICELESS!

Consistently though, has been Raven Symone, you know- Olivia from The Cosby Show who got chubby and became a Disney phenom- yeah, well apparently, we're dead wringers. Go there it's fun and definitely worth the hours you may waste there! This is who I looked like today- do my eyes look a bit glazed over?

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Thursday, August 21, 2008

Friday Fragments (it is Friday, right?)

Mrs. 4444 at Half Past Kissing Time has been doing random compilations of weekly happenings on Fridays aptly called Friday Fragments. It's a great way to kill two birds with one stone- tie up loose ends at the end of the week and get a post out of it! Grab the button and join along if you like- stop by her place for Mr. Linky, too. So without further ado...
Friday Fragments?

*** First, again, I want to thank you for all of your kind supporting words this week- things have been getting better and I'm certain your comments have a lot to do with that! So from the bottom of my crazy heart- Thank you!

*** Another thanks to Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy who totally took pity on my psychosis this week and pimped my blog into the 3 columns- whaddya think? I'm diggin' it! Thanks Jen!!!

*** Google Analytics keyword that leads to my blog: "Uncontrollable pee/poop anxiety"- I was clueless to why, but I thought it was funny! (But, wait it's pretty freaky, I don't know what kind of head games those google analyzers are doing ... but... just keep reading...)

*** Lastly, I've done some moonlighting over at Amy Bo Bamey's place, Life of a Nguyener today while she and her gorgeous family are soaking up some rays.

I wrote about our puppy who I have actually taken a liking to. People freaking LOVE dogs and since I am an attention whore a good dog owner who likes to take my puppy out in public and he gives me a good ego boost. You should see the attention this dog gets!

Anyhow, the post refers to his peeing and pooping anxiety- AND IT HADN'T EVEN BEEN PUBLISHED YET AND IT WON'T BE PUBLISHED ON MY BLOG! When I signed up for Google Analytics I didn't know they'd be reading my mind!

So, please , please , please- go read my guest post before Google Analytics start writing my posts for me!

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Safety first

I'm working on one of life's thankless chores- laundry. My 13 year old son is a bit of a slow learner (honestly, he just doesn't listen to me). I have been telling him for about 7 years now, to empty his pockets before he puts laundry in the hamper- to no avail (yes, he actually does put clothes in the hamper.)

This morning, out of the washing machine I pull 34 cents, 2 black sharpies, and this little square foil package:

Sweet Holy Moses! All of the blood rushed out of my body and my extremities turned numb.

Upon closer inspection:

It is a "Fingerbowl" Moist towelette.
I guess it was a win- win, really. Safety against unplanned pregnancy, venereal disease, and germs!

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I need drugs

So, I have had some time to ponder Beebs' potty mouth. It made me think about the power of the word. She most likely got it from me, but my husband has also talks like a sailor, so it was really only a matter of time, I suppose.

However, she said, "Fuck it!"- as she threw her hands in the air in a nonchalant, carefree way. Nonchalant and carefree is NOT the way I've been using the word. I've been using it as an adjective for emphasis (fucking husband, fucking dog, fucking bills). Although her use of the word was correct (if there is a 'correct usage' for a 3 year old to use the word 'fuck'-which there probably isn't, so I'm setting a precedent here)- she found that context all on her own! We are not a carefree type here. We are uptight, all wound up, and high strung. I hate it, but that's who we are. Many comments from my last few posts mentioned 'how hard I am on myself'. I sure am and I don't like it.

I could be in a store and see a child throwing a fit and the mother would be cool as a cucumber and just deal with it. I would not. First, my kids know what a basket case I am and usually know my breaking point so it probably wouldn't escalate to a tantrum in a public place. Nonetheless, it's that high expectation I have of myself, my home, my kids, my life.

I struggle with my weight. Who doesn't? When I see people that are overweight and seemingly happy, I wonder what they have that I don't in their internal makeup that makes them OK with it. I'm missing that part- the screw's not even loose, the part is long gone!

This standard I set for my life is too high, I know that and it's tiring trying to keep up with it, I really know that! I know what I have to do and I really gave it the old college try today, but why does it have to be so fucking hard to get my hands on some drugs?

I made some calls today to psychiatrists that are covered in my insurance plan. After having to jump through a few flaming circus hoops, I finally got a hold of one that accepts new patients. Wow, well I think we can see you on Sept. 18, we just had a cancellation! Cue the waterworks. I can't wait an entire month! You'd think the fact that I started crying and asking her if she was serious or just being cruel and rambling about how I just need someone to write out a 'fucking script for Xanax', she'd realize how desperate I was... or no, come to think of it, she probably thought I was a total junkie.

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Monday, August 18, 2008

And it wasn't my fault!

Alrighty, so I'm walking this fine line between nervous breakdown and trying to hold it together and pretend nothing's wrong and, frankly, not doing so well.

I ventured out of my cocoon and posted yesterday and, boy, am I glad I did. I received lots of encouraging words, a few votes for Xanax, a handful for Zoloft, and even a few personal e-mails so I can get even closer to infiltrating your real lives (insert evil laughter, what is it Mwahahahaha?). I'm not against meds, actually very pro meds, but getting to a doc will be another issue, maybe this post will generate comments with tips for black market meds.

There is a point, so back to it... I'm treading the 'I'm about to cry 'cause my life is really sucky and nothing seems to be going right' place along side with the 'I have four kids that are counting on me to pull my shit together' place, or as I call it, my Sybil place. I am fighting every urge to go rock in a corner in a fetal position. It's been going on for a few weeks, but I pulled it together to get school shopping done a few weeks ago.

The previous years' report card gets sent home with the list for the next years' school supplies for the appropriate grades. I had an 8th, 4th, and 2nd grader.

I gathered my lists. I woke up at 5:30AM and went to the 24 hour Walmart Supercenter on our 'tax free' weekend. I followed the lists meticulously. It took 3 hours and $300, but I got every supply listed. I labeled everything with their names and loaded up the backpacks.

Today, when I picked them up from school, my 7 year old, my sweet, everything rolls off her back dear child, tells me that she needs a red folder. Gee, that's odd that I forgot to send you with a red folder if it was on your list, but I'm only human, so OK, I'll take that. (My alter ego that talks to myself in my head for purposes of this story is June Cleaver and very agreeable, I know, just imagine if you will, dammit!)

As we drive home she mentions that she also needs an 'Assignment Notebook'- a specialty item that is only available through the school(this means that it is a .25 notebook that the school gives a fancy name and charges me $3.50!) No fucking way did I forget that if it was on your list because I had to buy the same overpriced notebook for the older kids- something is royally screwed up! June Cleaver is morphing into Joan Jett- thus the Sybil place.

I also remember her talking to her sister and said something about how the kids wondered why she had so many glue sticks...

Tonight I decided to pull out that list because I KNEW I didn't see 'Assignment Notebook'! IT'S THE 1ST GRADE LIST- SHE'S GOING INTO 2ND GRADE!!! I sent 12 glue sticks, she needed 6! Pretty much, not one thing is right!!!

I'm so spent at this point that I started laughing hysterically because I'm imagining these teachers imagining me walking around Walmart popping Zoloft and smoking crack, me and Amy Winehouse. Then, I start imagining Laynie, my sweet innocent amazing daughter proudly pulling out of her backpack all the WRONG supplies and I start crying because I see the kids laughing at her and thinking her mom and her friend Amy can't read a freakin' supply list! But then some of the kids like Amy's song 'Rehab', so they cut Laynie some slack, and I start laughing again. But then I think Laynie is absolutely oblivious to this blunder and was so sweet how she gently mentioned the 'few' items that I 'missed' on her list and I start crying.

Now, it's the UGLY cry- laugh, cry, laugh, cry- TOTALLY SYBIL! Shit is coming out my nose. Snorty noises that shouldn't be coming out of a human, but at this point I'm questioning that label, too!

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Trying my best...

Depression really sucks. I can't seem to shake it. I feel like I'm drowning and can't catch up with anything. A lot of tears have been uncontrollably taking me over and getting the best of me.

Our finances are strained and nothing seems to be giving us a break. The water heater busted yesterday and flooded the basement.

My husband thought he was "dying and needed to go to the hospital because he had indigestion" and that is absolutely a quote from 3AM. I said, "take tums, you pussy," I am not compassionate at 3AM. He said he took aspirin and it made it worse. Who the hell takes aspirin for indigestion? My idiot husband does! He then decided he would lay in the shower (small shower, large man, door NOT completely closed) to relieve his indigestion(WTF, right?). I woke up to a leaky kitchen ceiling (directly underneath said small shower.) If only the roof would give out and start flooding the upstairs, we'd be living a freaking Waterworld!

And to top everything off, 'The Mother of the Year' goes to.... NOT ME! Beebs yelled "Fuck it" today. Yes, I know where she got it from and yes, I know I suck and yes, I cried, I cried really hard adding more moisture to this flipping house (notice the word 'flipping'- I am soooo trying!!!!) I am officially being tapped by DFS (that's Department of Family Services for you do-gooders out there), if not yet, then very, very soon. I am the worst mother in the world, totally broke, completely in compassionate to my big fat baby husband's tummy ache!

So, there, you were all curious what's been getting me down... and that's just the tip of the iceberg, but hopefully you get the idea. I'm trying to cope, really I am. I hope to veer past this nervous breakdown that is coming my way and shake this, but until then, I hope you can laugh a little at my pain.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

'til we meet again...

The stress of life has really been getting the best of me lately. It's been hard for me to stay awake for an entire day's events, much less find humor in it or organize it into a post.

I've been neglectful of my blog hopping and miss catching up with everyone. I'd appreciate you 'over-achievers' lay off the consistent blogging or I'll never be able to catch up, damn it! I've done some lurking, but can rarely muster up the strength to comment.

I am doing my best to battle through this rut and get back to wasting endless hours on the computer, but first things first. The support system that I have found here is wonderful and is a driving factor for me to 'get over it'. You are the wind beneath my wings and all that kind of shit. Hopefully, it will be sooner than later.

To show my intentions are good, I thought I'd leave you with this twist on the porno/stripper name equations...

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle.)
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color and favorite animal)
Brown Koala

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME:( your middle name and street you live on/or
Neighborhood if it's a number)
Kim Hemingway

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2
Letters of your first name)

6. YOUR SUPERHERO/CRIMINAL NAME: (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink).
Green Midori

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your
Last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden
Name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first
Name, and last letter of your moms first name)


8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (parents middle names).
Kay Lawrence

9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets).
Black Murphy

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Monday, August 11, 2008

Calgon, take me away!

I started training for my new job today. That combined with back to school activities, soccer, volleyball, fall baseball, and band, I'm quite certain that my head is going to explode by tomorrow! Something's gotta give, and since I'm usually the last priority in the house, like most moms, I'm afraid it might be the job. I think I will enjoy it, the people are nice and doesn't seem stressful at all, I just hate to let people down and my schedule, right now, is so overloaded, I'm afraid that's what will happen!

So, in an effort to avoid and deny my reality, I will show you more relaxing pics of 'the farm'...

That's a real dinner bell!

It's all so pictureseque, but this is my reality... trying to take a picture of all the kids in front of the cows...

Well, two of the kids escaped the picture completely. Murphy was damn close to being pulsated by the electrical fence as my son swooped him up. My 7 year old is biting her nails- LIKE ALWAYS, however, she had just been handling worms and fish- YUM! My nephew decided to take a drink right as I was snapping the picture and, of course, Beebs turned her back to the camera to dig the swimsuit out of her ass. AND, for you smart asses out there, if you look closely, you can see the red roof of the dock in the middle right. The cow pasture is the pathway to the lake- that's why she was wearing a life jacket near the cow dung- and SAFETY FIRST FOLKS!!!

Stay tuned for the next installment of crappy pictures from the farm!

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Just the beginning...

Well, we're back from a long weekend at the farm and can I just say that, being a country bumpkin is tiring! I don't know if it's all the fresh air or the fact that we had 8 kids and a dog to run around after on 230 acres. I do know that I never look forward to the obligatory annual trip, but it never disappoints (I really should stop my bitching!) It is truly a lesson in humility, simplicity, and the earths' beauty. Here is just a taste of our little piece of Americana:
The entrance:

The amenities:


I will continue to unfold our highlights this week!

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Friday, August 8, 2008

Cleaning out my brain for the weekend

My hunch is that there aren't many people that will be reading this this weekend (am I the only one that gets distracted be "this this", but can't seem to figure out if it's right or not and eventually just give up and leave it that way?) So I've compiled a few things that are completely unrelated and unimportant.

I am headed to 'the farm' for the weekend- God help us all! I am not an outdoorsy, nature-lovin' kind of gal! All six of us AND the dog will be taking the 3 hour drive in the slutty van that is completely loaded to the gills even though we are only going to be there for like 36 hours- I don't like to leave much to chance. I also am CLUELESS how you people out there camp! Holy crap- we have a house where we're going and it's still a little too Walnut Grove/Old MacDonald to me! I'd imagine there might be some stories to share from the weekend!

This will also be the first two days in a row that I haven't been near my computer since I started blogging! How fucking sad an addict am I? Five months, people! I don't even have a laptop! That's all me, my fat ass, sitting at a desk- in my house! I think I need to get away to see if I can still speak in full sentences.

I have mentioned before that I don't think I'm funny. Many of the comments left here include LOL, LMAO, and LMFAO. I'm not sure if you are laughing at me or with me- or if you're just saying that to make me feel better because maybe you think I think I'm funny and you're humoring me (no pun intended- since I'm totally NOT funny!)...

Anyhoo, I thought I'd humor you(that pun was intended- see not really that funny, huh?) and put this little button over here from humor blogs. I have seen these around since I started (on sites of people that truly are funny), but, like I said, I never thought I was funny and thought signing up for something called "Humor Blogs" would be quite presumptuous on my part. Throwing all caution to the wind, I said what the hell! When you click it you raise my rank with the 'truly' funny people which would be like a nerd infiltrating the cool people's lunch table, or something.

So since I'm putting you to work already, by pressing the humor blog button and all, while you're at it... I need your suggestions. I want to make my blog more cohesive - the title, the tag line, the look, the content. I feel like I have a split personality right now, which I guess, when you think about it the "My Therapy" thing does 'work'. I am open to anything- keep the name, a new name , a new tag line, picture, I don't know! I am not your typical mommy blogger, I have realized that and evolved a little since I started this. I want everything to make sense... Then I will look for a pimp, to get me blog on up in here, or not, who knows...

Here are some of the lame ideas that have just come to me- I said they're lame and it's 11:00 and I've been loading the car for an hour and I'm tired- cut me some slack- leave lots of suggestions and comments for me to come home to- you know I'll be jonesin'!

But I Digress... Ramblings of a neurotic mom of 4 with a potty mouth.

Please Avert Your Eyes- if you know me in real life, don't like profanity or can't handle the truth.

My Dirty Little Secret- (I got nothin!- SEE I NEED YOUR HELP!!!)

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Thursday, August 7, 2008

More Gay Awards!

Well, I'm seeming a little schizo because 2 posts ago I was whining about how much I suck and today I'm going to tell you that I KICK ASS! No, I didn't get my meds adjusted (although that's not a bad idea). I was awarded the KICK ASS BLOGGER award by Drowsey Monkey. I just discovered her (or she discovered me- chicken or the egg- not sure!) I stalked her, as I do everyone, and she has AWESOME taste in music and she's my current idol- ya wanna know why? NO KIDS OR HUSBAND, oh yeah and she's Canadian, which I find kind of mysterious and cool in a really wannabe, dorky way!

So, my lame cry for acceptance came through loud and clear and I thank you! When I call it a gay award- that is only referring to when I give it to someone because why the hell would they care that some complete loser is giving them an 'award'? It reminds me of my short cheerleading career and when they hand out the 'spirit stick' -now that is a GAY AWARD! Please don't confuse with my totally digging receiving the award. And the word gay- by no means is an insult to actual homosexuals- because I totally love them, I mean, I have not "loved" them, but I do adore them!

Now I must take out my retard pointer finger that I use to guide my reading when I'm trying too hard to understand something and follow these directions. I'm sorry if my use of 'retard' offends you, I know it's completely inappropriate to describe my stupidity since I'm not truly a 'retard', but if you knew me you would probably think I was and reconsider. I have a friend that is an Occupational Therapist that worked with the 'learning disabled' and she scorned me every time I used the word!I've been weaning myself off of it and have replaced it with "suck"- which my son's teachers are thrilled by! I try to only use the word to describe me and maybe dogs.

* Choose 5 other bloggers that you feel are “Kick Ass Bloggers”
* Let them know that they have received an award
* Link back to both the person who awarded you and also* Visit the Kick Ass Blogger Club HQ , to get codes click here and it will take you to KABC HQ, sign Mr. Linky then pass it on!

1.)The Bell Pages
2.)Confessions of...
3.)Yeah, totally...right?
4.)Jill Jill Bo Bill
5.) The Bloggess
(I'm a bit sheltered out here in blogosphere and just discovered her even though she apparently owns the blogosphere or something. I don't think I'll have the balls (it's a common problem- parenthesis within parenthesis- how's that for a ramble!!!)to let her know about the gay little award, but if you haven't gone there YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST!)

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Do as I say, not as I do

The following is mostly background information so, in the future, when I inevitably bitch need to vent about my children's school- my rambles make sense.

I attended Catholic school all of my life. Catholic school for me, wasn't about achieving a higher level of the faith. My devout paternal Grandmother insisted we be sent to the Catholic school and 'raised' Catholic. My mom agreed mostly because she was spineless, but also because it was a better option than the racial-rioting, gun-toting public school district that was available to us. I'm still alive, can compose a sentence, still have all of my real teeth and am not living in a box, so I am grateful for that.

My mom was raised by a Wesleyan Sunday School teacher that ran around singing 'Jesus Loves the Little Children' and had no judgement and would embrace anyone. She went through catechism at the forceful hand suggestion of my dad's mom. I don't think her heart was ever really in it. The Catholic belief taught her that she was less than good for divorce, for being pregnant out of wedlock, and for not 'worshiping' in a certain way. She tried to embrace it, but in the end, she left the flock.

She continued to send me to Catholic school. The safety, the morality, the better brand of education were driving factors. However, the only Church I attended on Sundays was where my Grandma taught. I wasn't really raised to think that you had to go to a 'certain' church- as long as you prayed. I wasn't taught that if you don't believe X, Y & Z- you're going to hell. My mom and Grandma instilled in us a very simple guideline for our faith: be a good person. As I recall, 'Catholicism' was never beat into my head in school. Long story short, I guess I don't have the strongest foundation as Catholics go.

When my son was to start school, we lived in 'the city'. Again, the unaccredited public school district was a joke. Since my son was my firstborn and at 5, still sweet as pie, I still had his best interest at heart (now, at 13, I would reconsider 'throwing him to the lions', as it were, on many days!) Again, the decision was made, maybe for the wrong reasons, but made nonetheless.

I think the school I went to and the first one we sent my son to, had a different type of Catholic. That sounds really bad, but try and follow. First and foremost, education was priority #1. Yes, they were "Catholic" people, but not necessarily the most devout, practicing ones (sadly, I fit into those JUST FINE!)

Fast forward to 3 years ago. We moved to a community with a reputable, accredited, sought after public school district. I suppose out of 'fear of the unknown', we chose to stick with the Catholic school. However, I notice an extreme difference in the caliber of Catholics at this school.

These are 'good' Catholics (or, at least they've convinced me as much). They have all made a conscious choice to send their kids to this school because of the Catholic values taught- not for a basic decent education. The school administration reciprocates. It is a highly Catholic- driven curriculum, which I suppose is normal even expected, yet new to me.

This is a conversation with one of the first moms I met at the school (we were talking about overhearing the kids' conversations)...

Mom: "Then I heard him use the 'C' word."

Me: Oh my! (GASPING... and thinking holy shit- that is a bad one- probably the only one I don't use- use your imagination, I refuse to type it)

Mom: "Then I felt like it may have been my fault. I now make a conscious effort to not say "crap" around them.

: (nodding head in silence- since I probably had already said that and 4 worse in the 10 minute conversation)

Here's another example of how I am a horrible influence and my kids are totally screwed...

The school has an infraction system. If the kids do something inappropriate or rude or displaying "lack of self- control"- they get one. It took my son all of two weeks to get his inaugural 'infraction' (pop open the champagne, son, you're a man!). I hid my excitement (I wasn't really excited at all, I was scared to death that they had figured out that I'm completely unsuited for this parenting thing- FUCK- the jig is up!) and leaned into him like any semi-inadequate mother would on the defense:

Me: What the hell did you do to get this?

Son: Well, the teacher was about to dismiss us without homework, then some kid said something that made her mad and she gave us homework, after all.

Me: So everyone in class got an infraction?

Son: No.

Me: Oh My God! You were the one that said something to make her mad?Weren't you?

Son: No. It was after she gave the homework. I was talking under my breath and said "this sucks."

Me: (silence)

Apparently, I didn't get the memo about 'crap' and 'sucks' being curse words. Hell, these are the words I use to censor myself! They are my clean words! "Sucks" is such an integral part of my vocabulary. I use it as a verb, adjective, and even been known to throw it in as a noun!

I tried to explain to him that I don't think it's a bad word, but he cannot use it at school since it makes me look bad they find it inappropriate. Our talk must have helped because it took a whole 3 weeks before he got another infraction for the exact same thing!

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

What a woman goes through...

Can you feel the love? Seriously, could I be more pathetic and needy? You all are so great to stroke my ego boost my spirit! Apparently, what's best recieved by you, the reader, is just the real fucking pathetic dysfunction that is my life (you did say you liked the cursing, right?)... I aim to please. Here's what went down today...

Me and the kids were invited to a pool party to welcome a new student and parent that just came to the school. Is it just me or would you rather stick hot pokers in your eye than hold a "meet and greet" in you swimsuit?

My kids were looking forward to it and I thought I'd be a good sport. About an hour before we left, I decided I would go get ready- this was going to take some time. If you don't know about the school that my kids go to I will paraphrase: very large strict Catholic school, with many wealthy families and a few middle class schmucks (me) thrown in for good measure.

I wanted to try and make a good impression. So, I hiked up my leg onto the toilet. Yep, time for the big guns- I was going to shave my legs!

As I'm shaving my legs, I realize my toes are a dead giveaway to my 'poor white trash' status that I'm trying to conceal. I got a pedicure back in April. The remanants of hooker red toenail polish did not leave the impression I was going for.

So, as I'm freshening up my toenails, I notice a shaving knick on the back of my ankle- crap- I tried to be so careful! Grab a little corner of toilet paper and dab it on there and hope the bleeding stops. I made a mental note to self: DO NOT FORGET THAT YOU HAVE A BLOODY PIECE OF TOILET PAPER STUCK TO YOUR ANKLE!!!

Next, the face. I take a close look in the mirror and notice yet another hygenic concern that I had become neglectful of... I have a mustache- OK? ARE YOU HAPPY, NOW? Facial hair sounds so much better, but no matter how you put it, it's humiliating! So I pull out my Nair and spread it on my upper lip. Beebs walks in and says I look like "Grampa"(my dad has a white mustache)- thanks dear- way to boost mommy's self esteem.

Wipe off the Nair- that stuff smells like shit- seriously, shit- kind of permy shit, but shit! It is one of the few things that I like to do in "private" and NEVER FAIL- my husband walks in the bathroom afterwards and thinks I took a dump! I just let him live in his little fantasy world and never tell him the truth.

I'm now fresh faced and smelling like shit ready to start putting on makeup. It's a swimming party, so I don't want to look too made up, but I don't know these people too well and want them to think I'm hot to make a good impression. I'm attempting that 'natural' look- you know the one that's totally NOT natural and takes twice as much time and energy. Waterproof mascara, beige eyeshadow, lip gloss... oh no, this is what I look like when I wake up kind of bullshit.

Squeeze my fat ass and big boobs perfectly normal sized woman's body into my swimsuit and find the beloved, couldn't live without, camoflaging, genius invention- COVER UP.

There, I'm we're ready to go. Time to go meet the Stepford Wives.

On a serious note, the moms couldn't have been nicer and I didn't feel completely like an outsider. So yeah, me!

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Monday, August 4, 2008

A lesson in self- ambivalence

My boobs are sore, I'm retaining water, my skin is crawling, and I can't inhale enough chocolate. It's that time again, kids. That's right. Time for me to get all introspective and self- doubting on your asses. I know what you're thinking. Has it already been a month? Time flies when I'm spilling my guts.

The randomness and anxiety has not yet subsided, so please accept my apologies. I'm grateful if you keep returning. My recent posts have bored the fuck daylights out of me and I, personally would not have returned. However, if you're new- I don't always suck!

Since I have been a bit unguided in my composing lately, I decided that it was important to browse, surf, lurk, and stalk some blogs. Get some inspiration. Learn some new things. Meet some new people.

Holy crap- there's a lot out there! Holy crap- they're all so amazing! Holy crap- I suck so bad! My plan of getting recharged really backfired on me. Shit!

The blogosphere is such a vast place. So many friggin' genius little fish in a big sea. A few sharks, too. What makes those sharks who they are? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a shark, but I do want to be a respectable little fish that puts out quality decent grammatically correct material.

Let's face it. I'm not an over-achiever. I just want to put out something I can be proud of... I'm laughing in my head because I just typed that 'I just want to put out'- aaah memories of college. But I digress- does that irk anyone that I just said that? It's kind of like saying 'nonetheless' or 'that goes without saying'- then why did you say it??? But I seriously did digress... where was I?

Oh yeah, 'putting out'... (giggle, giggle- God, this could be a vicious cycle)... so I want to write something I'm proud of, dammit- and, truth is, I haven't been. I mean, I have been with some of the stuff I have written, but not lately. And I'm thinking that I'm pretty spot on because my Google Analytics told me so.

So, it didn't say outright 'you suck' in so many words. It just explained to me that half the people read me yesterday than did last week- which coming from a smarty pants, like my computer, I take it as, 'you suck!'

So, what is it about me? I know I use the word 'So' to start too many sentences. I do it when I speak, too. Is that the problem? Am I too honest? Do I curse too much? What is it about me that sucks? Why am I all so needy and shit? (There I go again.)

What about this layout? It does indeed bore me, but I'm still thoroughly clueless as to how to change it. Does that really make a difference? I see many people pimping their blogs and it's pretty and all, but I, as a reader, really don't care. It's what's inside that counts and that corny kind of crap, right?

I know I'm not supposed to care and I'm great the way I am, 'just be yourself'.. yada, yada, yada... but I am currently in the midst of a little identity crisis, so bear with me, won't you?

Mom blog, 30-something blog, woman blog, humor blog, complaining about a puppy like a broken record blog, who am I? I'm not a 'giveaway' kind of gal. I'm certainly not a photographer. What suits me best? Who's my 'target' audience? Do I have an audience? Am I even close to hitting them? I don't really know?

I am a mom. I am 30-something. I am a woman. That is all true. However, I have never considered myself a profound thinker or particularly funny. So where does that leave me? I am continually wondering what, if any, is my place out here, what's my niche? Do I even need a niche?

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Have you seen this?

I thought I had reminds me of a real life "Home Alone"...

Headline reads:

Couple told mid-flight they'd left child behind
Israelis remember duty-free and luggage, but forget 3-year-old at airport

Go read the link- maybe I'm just hormonal right now, but it made me cry.

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The theme of the day: Anxiety

It's Monday morning and my mind is running rampant. I've just gone through all of my favorite blogs to see 'what people are talking about'. I don't think it's writer's block, so much as it is lack of organization in my head. So let's consider this an 'uncluttering of my brain' post.

*** The puppy slept from 10:30-7AM- my brain issue may be from shock and overload of sleep.

***We had him groomed yesterday and he didn't stink for about an hour. Yeah us, for an hour!

***We have enlisted the pennies in a can discipline, as suggested, and it's working beautifully- he's scared to do anything wrong- I've always thought fear=well behaved.

***I am having anxiety about my kids going back to school next week (I never thought I would say that!), because I will have to take care of the puppy all day, myself!!!

*** We are going to 'the farm' this weekend. 'The farm' is my step- grandpa's property of 230 acres with a small farmhouse and a lake about 2 hours away. I went there a lot growing up and have good memories. I went back last year for the first time in several years and brought the kids. We all had a great time. It's as close to 'roughing it' as I've ever done (and ever will do). I'm not much of an outdoorsy gal, but I'm going with my sister, who's even less! I guess I am looking forward to it, but have lots to do to get ready. I will definitely bring my camera!

*** I worked out this weekend- trying to get back on track. My stomach is still sore which makes me feel good.

***I am cursing my local grocery store for having samples of a 'organic' double chocolate chip cookie. They were delish and I justified eating the whole package too many because of their 'all natural' status!

*** I got the job at the lingerie boutique, which I am excited about, but completely nervous, too. I can't believe I'm going to have to be a grown up again.

*** I'd really like to get back to my 'fighting weight' so I could take advantage of the employee discount!

*** Back to school overwhelms me! I went school shopping this weekend. My kids go to private school (so they have uniforms) so all we need is actual supplies and shoes. I spent $400 for 3 of them! I can't imagine if I had to buy clothes!

***My calendar is getting full already with soccer, volleyball, fall baseball, mandatory school workshops and meetings. I am not very comfortable around the skinny bitches fellow school moms and am having a hard time holding it together!

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Saturday, August 2, 2008

Deja vu?

I have been tagged and I am a woman that likes to please. I will not let you down Amy Amy Bo Bamey. I apologize for spewing more information about me and I think I've done a similar meme, but I am just following orders (secretly I love being tagged and talking about myself and this is an easy out for my Sunday post)...

A. Attached or Single? Attached - many times, against my will!
B. Best Friend? My sister
C. Cake or pie? Cake, any kind of cake and far too much of any kind of cake!
D. Day of choice? Thursday, in college, it was the best frat party night. Must See TV Thursday has always had a special place in my heart, too!
E. Essential item? Revelon Eyebrow Fantasy or my Swivel Sweeper- yes infomercial, but it rocks!
F. Favorite color? Brown, I know most people think of poop and it doesn't sound like a pretty color, but I love any shade of brown!
G. Gummy bears or worms? Neither- ick! I don't like candy unless there is chocolate content in it.
H. Home town? Overland, MO -lower- middle class suburb of St Louis. Lots of old people lived there. I actually love to have a reason to go back there.
I. Favorite indulgence? Cheesecake, chocolate cake, coffee ice cream with chocolate chips
J. January or July? January- July in St Louis is pretty miserable with humidity and I love snow.
K. Kids? 2 on bad days. 4 on good days
L.. Life isn’t complete without? Computer, Bravo TV, coffee, my swivel sweeper, and lots of yelling
M. Marriage date? November 9, 1996
N. Number of brothers and sisters? I sister, 3 step sisters
O. Oranges or Apples? Oranges
P. Phobias? Quirky fears- too many to name, but on a serious note, poverty and the state of the economy today scares me to tears.
Q. Quotes? "Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time."- That was Amy's and it was a good, wise one, that I'm pretty sure I read from columnist, Dave Berry. I'm going to stick with that one today- it brings funny images to my mind.
R. Reasons to smile? My Beebs and her outgoing personality.
S. Season of choice? You can call it Fall if that's what you please, but I say I like Autumn!
T. Tag 5 people: I will pass- if you choose to take it, knock yourself out.
U. Unknown fact about me? I wear size 5 1/2 shoe (used to be a 6 1/2). My feet are the only thing that shrunk after my pregnancies, go figure!
V. Vegetable? Green Beans
W. Worst habit? chewing the side of my mouth
X. X-ray or Ultrasound? Ultrasound
Y. Your favorite food? Italian
Z. Zodiac sign? Libra
Z. Which zoo animal is your favorite? Chimpanzees

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Me, my crazy head, and a puppy

I've made a huge mistake! Don't you hate when that feeling overwhelms you? Especially for someone that is always right like myself, it's a very sobering feeling.

My kids begged for a dog for months, maybe even the full year! They incessantly talked about friends' pets that they played with at their houses. They would come home from school and make me feel like shit tell me how they were the only kids in class that couldn't fill out the "My Pet" section in a class survey. They oogle at the neighbor dogs walking past the house several times a day. I knew they wanted one, but my husband and I were not up for it. We held our ground as one strong united front- no dog! Dogs are a lot of work- we told them repeatedly!

Then tell me, why didn't I heed my own advice? Why, for the love of God, did I ignore my own gut instincts that told me they shed hair, they pee and poop, they bark, they stink and they lick. Furthermore, why did I ignore your advice? I had so many blogger buddies warn me- Don't do it!

I'll tell you why... It started at the flea market. We went about a month ago just to wander and browse- it was actually the day I found my beloved purchase. While there, I was surprised to see buttloads of stands selling puppies. I'm not sure of the legitimacy of the sellers and how they came about to have these pups, but they had lots- I'd say out of 200 vendors, every 4th was selling puppies.

Let's be honest,even from a self- acclaimed non-dog person, puppies are cute- and these were no exception! So about every fourth stand we encountered, my kids' faces lit up like a Steeley Dan concert (wow! have you been to one of those? No Joke!) The ooohs, the aahhhs, the awwws, each time they fell in love with another one. We would have to yank them away so my husband could go and look for useless collectible shit that will, no doubt, end up in a box in the basement his stuff.

Actually, at first, we lied and tried to fake them out and said- look there's more up here, let's go- little did we we know, there really were more! The more cute puppies I saw and the more excited my kids got at each litter, the more I thought, these aren't so bad and look how happy it makes them!

Now, I can be as mean and depriving a mom as the best of them. I have no guilt when it comes to taking things away, denying treats or activity for misbehavior, I'm a pretty bad ass mom. So, the fact that my heart melt every time they held a new puppy, with their smiles gleaming and they talked to them in that silly squeaky baby voice can be easily overlooked. I'm tough, I can handle it.

The true problem lies with me! I thought the puppies were cute, dammit! Their cute little baby faces and the way they just layed there in their pen, they looked so harmless!

So, when I get something set in my crazy head, it's a dangerous place. I came home and did research. I tried to see if there were puppies that wouldn't shed, were relatively small, and good natured. I forgot to research the kind that don't pee, poop, are not high maintenance and don't stink. I came upon some breeds, mixes, breeders, and rescues. I went to their respective websites. The pictures were all so cute! My crazy head was becoming more and more determined. Unfortunately, what my crazy head wants, as poorly thought out and initiated it may be, my crazy head gets.

Well, my crazy head, I hope you're happy! My crazy head is tired. My crazy head sick of cleaning up pee and poop. My crazy head is watching this pup scratch ( and even though he is using Frontline), my crazy head will not stop itching for fear of a rare human infestation in my head. My crazy head vacuumed at 6AM to try and get the fleas that it doesn't see and the vet says aren't there, but I'm convinced they are! Please let me lay my crazy head on shoulder and cry for a bit. Tell me it will all be better. Tell me dogs get house trained. Tell me that my husband wouldn't kill me if I got rid of him after we've already invested so much money, time and energy into him!

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