Monday, November 24, 2008

How Tena Stole Thanksgiving

If Thanksgiving had a Grinch- that would be me! Do I have to be reminded of this Holiday at every turn? I am grateful for what I have, seriously, I am. I will eat my turkey and overload on carbs and unbutton my jeans and feel nauseous and tired from the tryptophan like any good American.

However 'holidays'- the actual day- are just not fun for me. My husband is big on 'equal time' during holidays. We spend 3 hours at his mom's , we spend 3 hours at my moms. My in laws are, well, in laws- that's another story for a private blog- with no pictures and no names and no possible traceable proof of the author. Let's just leave it at both me and my kids would definitely choose to spend time with my family during the holidays over my husband's.

I like to see my family on holidays, sure. I am from a 'broken' family, though ( I love that- actually, we were more 'broken' when my parents were married- divorce 'fixed' my family unit)... anyway, I grew up 'splitting' holidays- what a pain in the ass- mom in the morning and dad at night! You're watching the clock the whole day, trying to stay on time so you can go to the next place and being pulled like a rope in a tug of war. There is never a time for resting and relaxing and just enjoying the holiday for WHAT IS MEANT TO BE!!!

I have tried to convince my husband to alternate years. I would sacrifice seeing my family on Thanksgiving one year, if I could ENJOY it with them the NEXT year. He wouldn't go for that. He HAS to be with his family- every year!!! Drives me nuts!!! I insist there has been some brainwashing involved, but I have no proof as of yet.

I've also tried to convince him to start our own Thanksgiving at our house- I like to cook , I love to entertain... he liked the idea of creating our own family tradition and leaving the door open for whoever wanted to join us UNTIL, he thought about it and remembered none of his family will step foot in our house (more info for the anonymous blog)!

The same exact thing happens on Christmas. So, while I am a huge fan of the Christmas SEASON, I am not a huge fan of what Christmas DAY has become for us. It's overwhelming, tiring, running from one place to the other. Since I have a whole month to enjoy Christmas, I'm OK with it.

So that is the explanation of my Grinchiness. Curse me if you must.

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Friday, November 21, 2008

Helluva Meme

You've seen it around (or maybe you haven't), but it's an awesome meme- the mother of them all! I am so excited that I was tagged with it thanks Dorsey! Here goes...

Rule 1. List the first ten people who have commented on one of your blog posts.
Ok, here is who I'm picking....

1.) Mr. Lady @ Whiskey in My Sippy Cup- she was one of my first discoveries out here in the blogosphere and I always think it's pretty cool when she goes slumming and drops a "word up" in my comments section!

2.)The Mom @ Cheaper than Therapy- I saw Jen comment on another blog and thought well, we could totally be friends, we chose like the same blog title... so I contacted her- I'm compulsive like that- and the rest is blog history!

3.) Christy @ Heavy on the Caffeine- We're just really on the same page and I enjoy visiting her and seeing her comments, like an old friend!

4.) Deb @ Don't Judge This Book by its Cover-again, another early discovery, I feel like we go way back- here's your shout out, Deb!

5.) Honeybell @ The Bell Pages-I appreciate how she's just 'real' like me- even though iit may not be pretty and I think we both have a warped sense of humor.

6.) Soxy Deb @ Postcards from the Edge- We lost touch for a while, but thank heavens we rediscovered each other- she rocks!

7.) KimandCo - is a somewhat new commenter and I enjoy her. She is a city girl that's still adjusting to the burbs- after 11 years- which doesn't make my 3 years seem so bad, but also doesn't give me much hope!

8.) J'Ollie Primitives @ My JOllie Blog- another recently consistent commenter- her 'folksy' look had me thinking she was in the wrong place, but apparently she drank the kool-aid, since she keeps coming back and I couldn't be happier. She's got great stories and is so fun to read!

9.)Deb @ Dirty Socks and Pizza - has become another face I've been seeing a lot of and always helps me justify my kookiness!!!

10.) Rochelle @ Whines and Wine - she's been witness to this train wreck for a while and I'm so glad to see her when she comments. She's one of those good mom, picture takers, that I'm not!

***What is your favorite post from #3's blog? She has done a lot of deep posts and they're all great, but I'm going with this one because it made me laugh.

***Has #10 taken any pictures that have moved you? It would be Rochelle, wouldn't it? YES, most of her pictures move me- they are all gorgeous and I'm so jealous of great picture taking ability! My favorite would have to be this one- you can just smell the barbecue and lemonade!

***Does #6 reply to comments on their blog? I think if she is so moved to do so (like me), but not every comment.

***Which part of Blogland is #2 from? California. I understand that's a big state, but here in MO, California is California.

***If you could give one piece of advice to #7 what would it be? I have no idea- if I knew how to fix her 'bitch neighbor" problem- I would have done it!

***Have you ever tried something from #9's blog? I tried to get in on the Mission Monday that she and Jay are doing, but I'm just not great at following rules and there were a lot of steps that overwhelmed me- I'm still trying, but not very good at following through.

***Has #1 blogged something that inspired you? BLOGGING! Blogging honestly.

***How often do you comment on #4's blog? I try to comment often, but unfortunately sometimes my comments are untimely, but I read every post she writes.

***Do you wait excitedly for #8 to post? I have just started visiting her, but I have been checking it recently a lot to see when this great picture of her was taken!

***How did #5's blog change your life? That's pretty big, but I have been touched by her recent accounts of her childhood.

***Do you know any of your 10 bloggers in person? Sadly, no.

***Do any of your 10 know each other?I believe Jen and Rochelle are friends.

***Out of the 10, which updates more frequently? They are fairly regular, but you can set your clock by Jen! I don't know that she has EVER missed a day of posting.

***Which of the 10 keep you laughing? Absolutely.

***Which of the 10 made you cry (good or bad) tears? All of them have stirred up emotions. There are some that have told devastating life stories, but some just cute everyday stuff that everyone loves.

And that, folks, was the world's LONGEST Meme.
Play on, play out.
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Giving Thanks- in a roundabout needy way

I am a super sensitive person. Many don't know that or believe it when they hear it. But contrary to my 'tough, I can handle it' exterior, I am a fragile flower (don't laugh!) I constantly over-analyze and over-think situations. What did he mean by that? Why did she say this? Do you think she thinks I am...?

My most recent unhealthy analysis has me questioning what I did to make someone "stop following" me yesterday. Was it something I said? I thought yesterday's post was fairly mild- no cursing, bringing up my severe depression, or politics. I don't know why I care, but I do. Oh yeah, I forgot, I do know why I care... I have the people pleasing, oldest child, approval seeking, daughter of an alcoholic, need for constant affirmation syndrome. It's a battle that I will always have.

When I opened up my comments and noticed I went from 80 followers to 79- that burned! The disapproval ate away at me. It's very superficial and means nothing, much like this whole blogging thing, but my pathetic drive for perfection in an imperfect world is just another aspect of my disease. I don't bring this up to bring you down, or even for sympathy or empathy.

When I started this little voyage of blogging 8 months ago, I did it for an outlet for my craziness, venting, opinions, fun anecdotes- a way to sort my head- done! It has been all of that and more. As a bonus, I have 'met' some of the greatest, most supportive people that I could ever imagine. My blogroll is titled "Kindred Blogs"- that is truly what I feel about the people that I have run across through this technological adventure.

That being said, I know I can't please all the people all the time and this is 'my blog', but I certainly don't want to offend any of the people that leave words of encouragement and have become a part of this journey with me.

I wanted to put that out there and in the spirit of the season, let those of you that have stuck it through, commented, just stop in once in a while or are just visiting for the first time- THANK YOU!

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Friday Fragments

Yet, another installment of my favorite blog tradition- Friday Fragments... don't know what to write? Have too many things to say that don't have anything to do with each other? Join us in random thoughts with Mrs.4444 at Half-Past Kissing Time (I'm not bragging, but I'm kind of a professional at "random" except I don't get paid, so I guess I'm technically an amateur, but I'm really good at it!)

*** I have been a shopping fool this week. I needed to take advantage of my last few days of peace sans kids and husband. My husband's schedule rotates (he is now on 7am-3pm). Next week he will be working 3pm-11pm- which means he's around all day- lucky gal, eh??? So today is my last day before Christmas to get some peaceful shopping without him cramping my style. You may be asking, what about Beebs, your 3 year old daughter? No, I do not lock her in a closet or leave her in the car. She is my perfect shopping companion- usually. She has picked out every single one of her gifts for Christmas (and she has even tried on the clothes and shoes!)- she has held them for me as we walk through stores. I'm hoping she's not ready to put 2 and 2 together come Christmas morning when "Santa" has brought her these items or the jig is up!

*** While in the stores, I was the one that was coughing and hacking up a phlegmy lung. The unkempt woman in sweats that should have been in bed and had no business in a store, just in case you were wondering- yeah, sorry, that was me.

***The following are some wise words from Beebs my shopping companion...

***Beebs is 3 and MUST use EVERY public restroom known to mankind. This symbol is very familiar to her for that reason. When she sees this symbol while walking into Marshall's Automatic Door Entrance she says, "Mom, look- it has a toilet on it."

(notice the number over the doors)
***This is one of the local malls and the one we went to this week. We saw Santa there. Last night Beebs proudly announced that she knows where Santa lives. I fully expected to be proud of her "North Pole" answer. I was wrong. He lives in the #2.

***Happy Twilight movie release day to you Twilight freakos out there! And I mean that in the nicest possible way 'cuz I'm scared of you all and your vampire lovin', teenage girl swoonin', crazy brainwash cult friends out there! Since I'm not a reader, I've not been in on the secret... but I must admit, I am very curious of what the hell is so special about it... so I will have to watch the movie (when it comes to DVD, of course.)

*** HALF DAY ALERT! My kids get out of school in 1 hour, I feel like I just dropped them off! What mom LIKES half days? I must say, last night I found the silver lining... I didn't have to make lunches- that has become a dreaded chore of mine. Unfortunately , I will have to feed them when they get home, still... damn!

***I received a comment the other day from someone that said she would like me to be a part of her blog- the world's first blog to film competition. Since she didn't mention anything about penis enlargement (which I don't need)- I thought I'd go check it out even though I'm a total cynic. Still not quite sure what's up with it, but from what I've read, it sounds cool.

Blog4Reel is the first-ever competition giving bloggers the chance to have their
blogs turned into actual movies, not to mention the chance at winning $2000. We
want the realness here. You are welcome to write specifically for the
competition, link your existing blog to our competition, or join just to vote on
your favorite blog (could be your own)! It is that easy. Real life to Reel life.

Now, I ain't gonna lie... I've been a little disappointed when I see everyone being nominated for "coolest blogger of the best blog" or asked to be a "contributor" to a blog that someone takes seriously. Honestly, though, I get it. I could never compete. Have I mentioned I'm not greatly confident? BUT, when I read that

we want to keep it real. Real passions. Real tribulations. Real life. We want to know what’s going on in the lives of real people. Your life!
Wow, that, I think I can do. I already do. Nowhere did they mention that it has to be good or even consistently entertaining! Seriously, though, my lack of filter about my life and details . So, If you think I fit this criteria or just want to humor me or feel sorry for me- whatever- go vote for me! I put a button on the top left corner, too since you can vote once a day!!! I'm not sure if it's working- I'm sure you'll let me know!

Click to give BLOG4REEL vote!

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Forgive me Father!

They had to call in for back- ups. Someone must have told them I was coming. An unknown visiting priest from about an hour away was the one I chose to burden with my moral deficiencies (randomly and from a distance)- anonymity sounded appealing when faced with the thought of the offenses I would be sharing.

While waiting for my turn, my list of transgressions was growing...

I'm sorry for the unkind thoughts of the creepy man directly in front of me. The fumes from his cheap cologne bath were giving me a headache and I had no control.

I'm sorry for being distracted by the woman in the front of the Church that I'm sure I went to grade school with.

I'm sorry for being so superficial and wondering what the woman next to me was thinking by wearing that.

I'm sorry for my impatience while waiting in line- I clearly have a knack for picking the line that takes the longest just like I do in the grocery store.

Finally, my turn... imagine my expression when the priest looks like this...

...I'm sorry for the impure and completely inappropriate thoughts, but this guy had Thornbirds written all over him!

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Ode to Child #3

I imagine you're dying to know how my confession panned out. No? Well, too bad, here goes. It went well and was relatively painless. My daughter was nervous that she would forget what to say, but it all went fine. I'll spare you the details till tomorrow because I have more important fish to fry...

Today is her 8th birthday.

My third child.

My first child, a son, was an angel until about 6. It was all down hill from there for him .He doesn't like school, doesn't like his teachers, and usually hates me. He's a typical 13 year old and a joy to behold!

My second, a girl, was colicky for most of her first year of life. Yes, a full 10 months of sleepless nights, pacing the floors, homemade concoctions of herbal teas in the bottles, and weekly pediatrician appointments where I was crying as hard as she was. The doctors searched for neurological reasoning, but could find none. Then at 10 months- she started speaking- freakishly- not one word- but full sentences. As soon as she could communicate by other forms than screaming- she did. We thought finally, here is our sweet little girl! Until she turned 4. Then the dramatics started. And the whining. And the debating. They haven't stopped. She is our drama queen and very talented, but tiring!

My third, a humongous surprise pregnancy... apparently there was some celebrating after the 10 month colic disappeared, because 9 months later...what we swore we would never go through again... there she was!

We were scared to death of another colicky baby. We held our breath for her first month of life! She didn't test us. She was perfect. She was my first child to take to nursing. She slept through the night by 3 weeks. She never cried. Smiled, laughed and giggled early and often (and still does.) Her first words were "what's that smell?" That always cracked us up.

She's in second grade and reads at a seventh grade level. She scored in the 96% in her standardized testing this year. She loves to learn and soaks up knowledge from everything around her.

She has a great sense of humor, can make anyone laugh and gets my jokes. She's secure and happy with who she is and a delight to be with. She's the peacemaker and gets along with everyone.

She has a raspy voice like she's been downing whiskey sours, sucking on Marlboro unfiltered, and yelling over the band for years.

As much as I love all of my kids- practice makes perfect and third time was a charm!
Happy Birthday Alayna Brooke! Thanks for renewing my faith in my parenting ability!

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

totally random

Hmmmm... let's see if I remember how to do this "blogging" thing. Yes, I've been MIA for a few days. I'm good at giving excuses and could give you a buttload (and a few doozies), but I won't, I will just let you know what I've done instead of blogging...

I have begun my Christmas shopping and am loving "window" shopping (at least that's what I tell my husband it is!) I bought my husband a very cool MP3 player (no, he doesn't read my blog) and have been spending my computer time downloading all of his favorites onto it. He is not technologically inclined, so I'm leaving nothing to chance. I'm putting his favorite music on it and giving it to him ready to go. It also holds videos, but I'm afraid that may be a slippery slope (meaning, I may not actually give it to him and just keep it for myself)- so I'm not even going there.

Today was the first time I've been in a mall, probably since last Christmas. I'm not a big mall goer, but this is the best time to go! All the gorgeous Christmas decorations, music, smells- I LOVE CHRISTMAS- and no human resource department's going to get me down, damn it!

Beebs and I were killing time walking through Cabela's looking at a taxidermied (don't think that's a word) wolf with a bunny in it's mouth (just another of the beautiful sights of Christmas here in the Midwest!) I was curious what she would say about it: awww, look at the poor bunny or why is that wolf eating the bunny... Nope... instead..."Look at the German Shepherd playing with the bunny."

Completely unrelated: my 7 year old (8 years old tomorrow) has her First Reconciliation tonight. For non- Catholics: a rite of passage where they can screw up and then get their sins forgiven- no, not really! It's just the first time they get to confess their sins- a passage, if you will, into an age of responsibility for what you do.

I will probably go to confession, as well tonight. Yep, it may very well be a long night.

Forgive me father for I have sinned. My last confession was when my 9 year old daughter had her First Reconciliation- yeah, sorry about that. I yell and scream and curse and am very uptight. I've told my husband that I haven't spent a dime on Christmas yet even though I've spent a little more than a dime. When my husband was in the hospital, I thought of it as a break for me (I'm assuming that there is something wrong with that). I don't bring my kids to Church every week and have used many excuses that are all true! I've thought very bad thoughts about the Human Resources Department at my husband's work. I'm probably not as grateful for everything I have and am really sorry about that.

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Friday, November 14, 2008


So, I have officially entered into the next phases of "nervous breakdown" because we have been DENIED the better plan of insurance that we inadvertently did not sign up for. Essentially, it turns out, that my husband is to blame- SURPRISE!

Their argument is that the letter (the unclear one that I received in the mail) was followed up by an in- work e-mail CLARIFYING that the new paperwork MUST be filled out to be in the higher plan. I, not being aware of the in house e-mail that circulated around his work, did not get the memo. They closed the book on us and that's it! Heartless mother fuckers!

I could bash my husband and rip him a new asshole and rant and rave about his illiterate ass not picking up on this memo, but I don't have the energy. Oddly enough, for once in my life, I don't give a shit that it's totally his fault or WHO'S to blame! I have cried so much that I hyperventilated which is never a good sign of my impending sanity.

I am so fearful of these bills rolling in- at least, they'll be in good company.

I shouldn't , but I have sat down and figured that we have paid roundabouts of $86,000 in premiums for this insurance in the last 12 years. The day that we were placed into the lower plan- my husband's big fat stupid ass was put in the hospital for 6 days and a surgery. $86,000 has meant nothing to their bullshit "deductible" policy.

I know I'm not the only one with problems like these. Sure, it helps to hear others' stories- misery likes company- misery especially like to hear about people in worse situations or that overcame a hurdle like this.

Bitter? Damn right, I'm bitter. Emotionally unstable? You bet your ass! Clueless of what to do next? Absolutely.

Oh, I know, why don't I throw a High School Musical Party for my daughter- yeah, this will be fun!

UPDATE: this was written literally in the tearful hours after 'the news'. Sorry for the downer! It's now Saturday morning and I have a hangover headache (who knew crying would do that), but I have a slightly better outlook. Here's why...

First, I thought I was going crazy (I know what you're thinking- I know, I'm crazy, but still somewhat functional, but I really thought white coats should be called in!) It's just money- lots and lots of money that we owe, but we're all healthy- thank God- because we can't afford to NOT be, at this point- but it's just money! Lo and behold this morning, my Aunt Florence makes a visit! She convinced me that I am not going crazy and just received such crummy news when it was not hormonally appropriate!

Second- and this is a biggie, MY HUSBAND HAS GONE BACK TO WORK!!! If you recall, this summer, his 15 day staycation about put me in a grave! Although this one was not as planned out and we were busy, vacation, Halloween, hospital, yada, yada, yada- today is his first day back to work in ...drum roll please... 30 DAYS! He was out of work for 30 days. I was co-existing with him for 30 days!

Do you ever watch the show 30Days? Morgan Spurlock(Supersize Me)experiments different lifestyles for 30 days- walk in another man's shoes- 'out of your comfort zone' kind of thing-Living on minimum wage, living on an Indian Reservation, living as a coal miner, co-existing with Tena's husband... He should have been filming at my house!

Lastly, but definitely not least, I got a comment from Paige from Malfunction Junction. As I try and do always, I went to visit her and read her blog. She has an award for me on there! I feel like such a doofus, but a very grateful doofus!

You have no idea how much that meant to me- Thank you! I will now pass it on to a few that have been my stand in shrinks...

Annie at Cookies, Chaos and Conversations- you know I love you! You also mentioned that you haven't stopped crying all week. Don't know why, but maybe you had a relative visit, if it's something else- I'm here for you!

Jill Jill Bo Bill- You knew I was on the deep end and you get me- which doesn't speak volumes for your sanity, but it does make you a good friend!

Sabrae at It's Just the Everyday Humdrum that People Make it out to Be- She's got a life that could be made into a soap opera and I dig that. She's also a lesbian and my husband thinks I am one since I enjoy watching the "L Word" and everything on Bravo so having her as good blogger buddy totally freaks him out and I love that!

Now bring on the party (The High School Musical Party!)

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Catch up- Friday Fragments

Friday Fragments will have to serve as my penance for this lackluster week of posts, or lack thereof. Join Friday Fragments with Mrs. 4444's! Her genius brainchild is my reprieve every week to get back into the good graces with you lovely people that continue to visit, even when there's no nudity! I ramble about my absurd self- absorbed problems like the big fat cry baby that I am. Last week, Mrs.4444 wrote:

When bloggers start a post by telling people how boring or stupid the post is, I stop reading. Like Dr. Phil says, "When people tell you who they are, believe them." I'm not going to waste my time reading something you didn't even think was worth anyone's time. I'm just sayin'....

It got me thinking... The way I think of it is... when I was younger (and still, but particularly when I was younger) I was very self- conscious of the size of my nose. Think Karl Malden's nose meets Bill Cosby's nose and it lands on Kate Moss' emaciated face circa 1996 (I was VERY thin). My nose- (thanks dad) was not very proportioned to the rest of my face. In my mom's infinite wisdom (easy for her- she gave my sister her very skinny perfect nose) she offered up the advice to never tell anyone of my insecurity or "let on to it" because that would be the first thing they look at from that point on. I took her advice and never spoke another word about it to anyone. Now I know you're going and looking at my nose -see my mom was sooo right- sadly, it's still the same nose and, though I'm not happy with it, my face (and unfortunately the rest of me) has grown into it a little better than when I was 18!

Anyway, that was a long way to go to make my point, but I'm here- finally! My point is, that I'm amazed that people read my crap, really! Sometimes I am guilty of blatantly admitting that a post will suck and apologize profusely for the suckiness (who knows Mrs. 4444, you may have enjoyed those posts?) Dr. Phil is right... I'm telling you that I am often sucky! You get your warnings, well in advance! However, Sitemeter (formerly Google Analytics) and your comments tell me someone is reading! That amazes me and thrills me more than you know and I want to say thank you to those that do read this or have ever humored me by stopping in and putting up with my crap. I try to be a good bloggy friend and return the favor as well as I can. I, being the needy, over analyzing person that I am, do notice that some of the people I used to hear from, have disappeared. I hope that it's just that they came to their senses and that I didn't offend anyone because the only deprecation here should be to me! The community of support that is available out here is just incredible and I wanted to acknowledge that and make certain that I hadn't crossed any (too many) lines!

***The insurance thing is still a mess. The "person in charge" was "out of the office" (convenient, eh?) until Friday- I'm not holding my breath, but am hopeful that the letter I sent him convinces him that I am a dangerous woman that must not be crossed!

***All that's left of the Halloween candy is the crap (suckers, Whoppers- we are not a malted milk ball family, hard candy, and those freakish orange and black wrapped candies that I'm certain is laden with razors since I've never opened one!)

***I went to a lecture at my kids' school this evening- aren't I good? I really don't deserve any credit- it was mandatory. I'm still a little under the weather, so my husband offered to go in my place. Until I told him the subject "Theology of the Body" - for non-Catholics- the guilt of everything sexual (except reproduction)- he quickly reneged.

If you have been following me, you may know that I am something of a 'lost sheep'- religiously speaking, lately. I went in expecting nothing and was pleasantly surprised. I can't say I agreed with everything, but I think there were some very interesting points and hope I can grow from some of the things she spoke of. The lecture is "Parents Get Real" and it is (mind you, a Catholic school's perspective) tips on discussing the long dreaded subject with your children. It is a very Christian derived route to the teachings of love and marriage and sexuality (and definitely in that order!) I took it with a grain of salt, and thought it was worth listening and she was a great speaker. If you're interested in details, I can give you them privately.

***While at the lecture, an hour and a half on a hard chair, my ass fell asleep. The 2 large iced mocha's I had in lieu of dinner weren't feeling like my best decision. I had to pee- at least I thought I had to pee- I was pretty sure I hadn't peed in my pants, but my butt was asleep so I couldn't have been 100% sure. Luckily, I made it to the bathroom. It was the never ending kind when you think you're done and you feel like you're done, but you know you can't be done because you still hear yourself going!

*** Since I've already gone there, the lingering cough that I have is not making me happy! If you have never birthed a child or by some FREAK OF NATURE Kegel exercises actually worked for you or you have bucked up $10,000 for vaginal reconstruction and you can laugh, sneeze, run, or cough without taking that split second before to consciously squeeze you butt cheeks together or contort your legs into the scissor position, count your blessings and count them now!

***Beebs is my youngest. She's not in school since I'm a bad mom that did not send her to 3 yr old preschool ( I did all my other kids), but it's a long sordid story (and since I feel horrible about it, I will now defend my position and tell you)... The school I would have sent her to is closing this year and I did not want her to have to adjust to a new preschool. The only other one is very pricey and I could not justify the cost for her going and 'playing' for 2 hours and 15 minutes- 2 days a week. So, I decided to wait and send her to the expensive one when she is 4- judge if you must.

Not the point, the point is that, my other kids get school pictures- crappy as they may be, they are proof that they existed during this school year and since I am horribly neglectful when it comes to picture taking- I'll take crappy school pictures! Especially when that means I don't have to fix them up and bring them to a portrait studio and watch some poor woman jump up and down with a stuffed chicken on her head to get my kids to look at her and smile- to only get more expensive crappy pictures that have a different background.

Off track again, the point is- Beebs does not have physical proof of her being alive this year, so I had to do my parental duty. I put a hand-me-down dress on her and we went to the portrait studio. As I sit there waiting with my Little Match Girl, I watch parents walking in with garment bags filled with elaborate gowns, cutesy Christmas matchy outfits- hats, gloves-the works. It's finally our turn...I just wanted a 'head shot' that resembled what the big kids got at school. NOOOO... I had to have a whole 'set'- she tells me. She then says- OK, time for her outfit change - wha? Me, quick thinker, I am, "Beebs, here, put on your hat and coat- they don't match, but at least we're following the rules, right?"

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

It just keeps getting better!

My insurance hell has not yet been resolved. I am taking all of the advice and thank you! I am pretty good at being a bitch and not letting up, but apparently, so is my husband's Human Resources Department- may the best bitch win!

In advance, sorry this is a total bitch session. My daughter's birthday snuck up on me with everything going on I had to get my ass moving on a a party for her because she's one of my kids that doesn't talk back to me on an hourly basis- thus making her a priority.

We decided on a High School Musical Theme- I know- you're probably gagging, but hey, she's turning 8! This week is chock full of meetings, appointments, and obligations, so this morning is all I had to pull my shit together enough to get EVERYTHING I need to have the party.

I walked through the party store and it was relatively painless. $42 worth of party supplies- paper goods, treat bags, decorations- I was satisfied with my purchase. As I walk out , I see a large sign in the window that reads "FRIENDS AND FAMILY EVENT NOV 9- NOV 15- GET COUPON ONLINE FOR 30% off ENTIRE PURCHASE" WTF? So now my crazy ass is thinking that it's worth it to go home and print up the damn coupon and re-purchase the stuff for my $12 difference in savings.

I call my sister- just to vent- and gloat a little about my potential savings- her cheap ass would certainly appreciate my journey for a few extra bucks. I tell her about the sign and as I say the date on the sign out loud- it occurs to me NOV 9- Sweet Jesus on a waffle cone! Our anniversary! We missed our fucking anniversary! NOV 9th was our 12 year anniversary and not until I was screwed by the party store did it dawn on me that we both completely missed it.

We usually don't really make a big deal out of it, but I can almost always "use" it as a day to get what I want or to throw some guilt around, another missed opportunity, damn it!

On with the bitching... so to kill a little more time- like I had it to kill- I walk through Toys 'R' Us- just to take a gander if they had anything that was perfect- couldn't live without it- for a HSM party. As I wandered, I saw people, lots of people, walking with shopping carts, VERY FULL shopping carts. I overheard conversations ( yes, at this point, I am not thinking 8 yr old HSM party- I'm thinking - what are all these people buying?)

I'll tell you what they were saying... they were saying: our Christmas shopping is done. I'm so glad I got all of this out of the way. Now, all I have to do is wrap. I got such good deals since I shopped early. That stupid bitch Tena really has a LOT to get done and what was she thinking having a kid so close to the Thanksgiving/Christmas madness? Didn't she know that she wouldn't have time to throw birthday parties?

Ok, so maybe those last two were all in my mind- but the others- they were saying and I gotta tell ya! Now, I'm really going to lose it. I'm usually an early shopper and wrapper. I am the one who mocks the fools that are in the store getting birthday party supplies in the middle of November. The same people that haven't even give a THOUGHT to what to do for Christmas and now that's ME!

So, excuse me while I go online and through the 400 catalogs I have piled up on my hearth to hunt for sales of the century and try to make myself feel better.

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

My Fucked Up Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, 13 years ago, an independent, strong woman married a policeman. The policeman had a good insurance plan through his employer and the couple decided to use the highest form that offered 100% coverage of insurance available to them for their growing family.

Their premiums way back when were $300 a month and gradually increased to $400, $500and the $650 a month. Though, at times, the premiums would break the bank, they knew in their hearts it was better to be safe than sorry. The only time the insurance was ever used was for birthing babies and well child visits.

Flash Forward to last Saturday (following a 6 day stay in the hospital by 'Papa Bear")- in the mail, Mama Bear discovers a new insurance card. The new insurance card reads "Inpatient and Surgical care- subject to deductible and 10% of total bill"!

Mama Bear immediately grabbed for the Klonepin and has not stopped crying since. This children, is what we call a nervous breakdown- can you say nervous breakdown?

After many calls to Papa Bear's employer we realized that this statement on the enrollment form was the one that mislead us:

If you do not fill out this form and return it to the benefits section you will automatically be placed in the $250 Base Medical Plan with the same coverage you had prior

Confused Mama Bear, no, we didn't have the $250 base medical plan BUT we wanted "the same coverage we had prior!" Not to mention, for the past 13 years, protocol has been, if you don't want to change your current coverage- just leave it alone.

Mama Bear did not fill out the forms and thought she was doing the right thing (Dumb Ass). As a result and a horrible coincident that Papa Bear was hospitalized THE DAY the lower insurance plan was activated, Mama and Papa Bear find themselves screwed!

Furthermore, the premium has not even been deducted from Papa Bear's paycheck until Friday. Mama and Papa Bear started frantically calling ANY person that would listen to them- explaining the misunderstanding- begging for resolution before Friday.

Even the INSURANCE COMPANY was on our side! They said "pursue your Human Resources Department". But Papa Bear's Mother fuckers in charge of benefits wouldn't budge!

Mama Bear is close to being institutionalized from the bad breaks, horrendous timing, thought of paying 10% of a $200,000 hospital bill after having 100% coverage for 13 years and the lack of compassion and understanding she has encountered in the last 2 days. She still has a cold and is taking NyQuil to keep from coughing up a lung through all of the tears and hysteria.

So, just in case you were wondering where the hell I've been... if this makes ANY sense at all... that's where I've been! If you don't hear from me soon, it may be safe to assume that I have taken up residence in a nice warm place with bright white padded walls with a straight jacket.

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Sunday, November 9, 2008

Ungrateful sick bitch seeks medication

I knew I wasn't feeling well this week. I attributed it to the running, the stress, and the transition from flip flops to Ugg boots within a week's time. I was getting very tired and not feeling myself. No more excuses- I am sick.

I am now hoarse and under normal circumstances, that would be a good thing. But I am anything but normal, so I still talk and yell commands and I sound like a choking duck and it's waaay more annoying than my normal drill sergeant voice- my whole family will attest.

Every inch of my body aches. I am souped up on NyQuil until I can figure out a way to sneak the percocet from my husband's medicine cabinet. I have considered refilling the bottle with aspirin, much like the vodka/water trick I used as a teen with my parents. Seeing as how my dad was an alcoholic and too drunk to notice that he was drinking water instead of vodka, after a certain point, it worked.

The fact that my husband will not take the percocet and the bottle is still completely full and he still is quite coherent- I must come up with an alternative plan. Maybe I could disguise the "A" on the aspirin by carving the straight line that the percocet has on it. However, the fact that my plan has gotten so elaborate, I'm thinking I have a problem and should just stick with the NyQuil.

I'm not a good sick person. I am a control freak. I don't like giving up said control. My husband's aunt was going to stop by today to drop off a casserole. In my well state (I use that term loosely) I would have done an overhaul cleaning job so I could be comfortable for the visit (yes, you read right, I cannot be comfortable with someone in my house unless it is spotless to MY standards. I won't hear a word that is said! I will just focus on that smudge, or dust bunny or piece of paper laying around!) Since I am not well(physically because we know the train wreck that is my mental well being) and the NyQuil had just kicked in, I went to bed and slept for 3 hours.

When I woke, my hardwood floors had been cleaned with PLEDGE furniture polish ( already lost count of how many times I have slipped), tile floors cleaned with Clorox wipes (can you say wasteful?) windows cleaned with what I can only assume were wet towels, plants watered enough for a year's time and, as a result, pools of water surrounding those plants, and my husband's idea of laundry (1 of HIS shirts, 1 pair of HIS jeans and a pair of HIS socks= 1 load=wasteful again!)

Is it just me? Why can't I be grateful for the help? Not only am I not grateful- it's pissing me off! They made more work for me! I try not to seem too bitchy to the kids- after all, they're kids. But MY HUSBAND- REALLY thinks they all did a good job- patting himself on the back numerous times- seriously? Did they remove your brain with the gallbladder? Imagine the amount of great drugs he'd have if that were the case.

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Thursday, November 6, 2008

Weekend Fragments

This is my neglectful Friday Fragments...which I am writing late Friday because I had no idea it was even Friday! Seeing as how I'm being stretched in many different directions lately, it might serve as my Friday, Saturday and Sunday Fragments...My bit of recycling to help the can do your part by visiting Mrs. 4444 and joining.

***The last week has been a whirlwind of "not about me". That shit's tiring! My kids have been bathed, fed (I'm almost 100% sure), cared for properly (not necessarily by me), and present at school and practices. My house is spotless, laundry is done (what I lack in parenting, I made up in cleanliness). My husband has had his broth and jello ordered promptly (by me) whenever he desired. His anxieties were quelled by my gentle repartee request for Xanax for him. The dog has been fed and taken out every couple hours or so and EVEN bathed!

***I'm tired, I have a sore throat, and have resorted to healing myself by emotional eating of Halloween candy, ice cream and good old comfort foods. Great! My husband comes home 20lbs lighter and I have gained 20 lbs!

*** My husband just had surgery, but why do I feel like I have been hit by a truck?

*** The husband was released from the hospital yesterday- exactly 7 hours after surgery. It hurts to sit, it hurts to lay down, my driving(10mph) was erratic and irritated his incision! He woke me up 6 times throughout the night INSISTING he was BURNING UP with a fever. He had 101 and that was normal for after surgery, but he's still quite confident that there is water in his lungs, blood clots and that they must have left a suture in his abdomen cavity causing an infection. Hypochondria, surgery and an early release from the hospital- NOT A GOOD COMBINATION- GOD HELP ME!!!

*** He won't take the Percocet prescribed for him because he "doesn't like the feeling" and he's keeping a close eye on me and his inventory. I swear at the Wallgreens pharmacy drive thru he said "you stay away from my percocet." But now that it's just going to waste...!!!

***Although there has not been a lot of "me" time, I have had a little time to blog (when I should be taking advantage of free moments for napping) and skim some of my favorite blogs. I have been fairly current on my reading, but often too tired to comment.

***I have also become somewhat philosophical in my sleep deprived state. Many of the blogs I've read have touched on politics as of late, and who can blame them, with the election hangovers, it's still on many minds. I have learned that I am right in tune with some of my bloggy friends and on a completely different hemisphere as some. Don't hold that against me- I won't for you.

***I have come to a realization. My name is Tena and I am a liberal.

I have recently discovered my gay African- American inner self. I'm not gay or black, but from all the tears and emotions stirred up this week from the election, I thought I was and I think I should be considered honorable mention.

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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Pre -op quotes

Just got home from my husband's surgery. He is now recovering and everything went well. The things he said while he was drugged up were some of the funniest things I've ever heard! The setting is me sitting next to his bed trying to be as calm and somber as possible. My bedside manner was truly tested ( I was cracking up, but so were the nurses and techs!) when he said these random quotes!

I don't want them to look at my wiener.

I remember our first date- we went golfing (No. We didn't.) you wore a plaid skirt- that was one good looking outfit- you should wear that again-Sure, I still have that skirt that I have NO idea what you're talking about from 15 years ago!

If something happens, give my brother my desk.

When I was 18... ( that was the complete thought! )

Cheeseburgers are good.

I don't mind crowded beaches.

Can't I wear my underwear?

I don't feel these drugs at all.

Yeah, sure you don't!

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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Day that doesn't have anything to do with politics!

My brain and ulcerated stomach has been on overload and I should be sleeping, but, true to form, I decided to blog about it instead- lucky you- here's a big old brain fart!

The husband is still in the hospital. Not quite as smooth a progression as I had hoped for (or him, for that matter!). A WAAAY "I told you so" situation. I had been telling him to go to a doctor for a very long time, but since he didn't, I assumed I married a pussy and he had no tolerance for pain, what a turn-on, right?

The good news is that he apparently has quite a threshold of pain! Doctors are amazed that he is not grimacing more and that he lasted this long with the condition his pancreas is in- that's pretty hot!

The bad news is that he still may have a few more days of IV, clear liquids and laying in a hospital bed before his body can withstand the gallbladder surgery.

The worse news is that every time a doctor or nurse comes in and doesn't say "it's time to go home"- he freaks out. By freak out, I mean he is fucking nuts. He is convinced that he has cancer. He doesn't. I'm quite certain that the doctors are close to slipping some poison in his IV: didn't they learn in medical school that ingrown toenails, dry skin, and and a runny nose are signs of cancer?

Aside from being a supportive (relatively speaking) wife- or as they call me at the hospital- "care partner"(my husband and I even had a good laugh at that one), I had to go and vote and jump through a few hoops to ensure that my husband did his civic duty by getting the election official to the hospital- yay me!

I had to pick up my son from detention for telling a "dirty joke"... It was Halloween and the class was exchanging jokes. He had a Laffy Taffy wrapper with this joke on it... He raised his hand and said he didn't know if he "should" tell it-since they were warned that the jokes should be "appropriate"... the teacher said go ahead since it was on the candy wrapper...

Why couldn't the skeleton have a baby?
Because he had a halloweeny.

Few things... this may sound naive, but my son doesn't get this joke TOTALLY- he may get it a little, but not completely- and I am pretty sure he doesn't understand the "inappropriateness" of it- (who am I kidding, I don't understand the inappropriateness of it!)

I know what you're thinking- that dumb bitch doesn't have a clue!!! He's 13, but he's the oldest, has gone to Catholic school his whole life and been quite sheltered, and is just really "green"! Just last year I felt it was my parental duty to burst his bubble and tell him there was no Santa Clause- I didn't want him to get made fun of at school!

We have struggled with our decision to put our kids in Catholic school since we moved to this school district- they always went to Catholic school, but we now live in a great public school district. I have mentioned it before and think about it on a daily basis.

The first few weeks we were at this school, my son received an infraction for saying "that sucks" when told they wouldn't be getting a recess. That was the first eye- opener of, oh shit, maybe this is the wrong place for us.

High school is upon us and we've had a lot of soul searching to do. Catholic High School is very demanding, competitive and expensive. Today was the deadline to get the applications in if we were going to stay with Catholic school.

My daughter's recent "struggling" with her academics got me thinking. The judgement that this school evokes has had me thinking. I want my kids to have all of the resources possible. I do not want them to be judged for just joking around- it's never been at anyone's expense because they know better than that. I am sick of pussy footing around the parents in this school. I don't want my kids to be uptight. I want them to be able to have a sense of humor and a life. I am not convinced that this school is laying out the path that I want for them.

So, it is with great anticipation that I have made the decision to send ALL of my kids to public school next year. I was not aware what kind of emotions this would stir up in me. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I have a headache. I want to cry. Yet at the same time, I feel like a huge weight has being lifted off of me. I truly feel like this is the right decision for my kids and my family. Why am I having such a hard time with it?

So there you go, today's nervous breakdown. Feel free to talk me down, encourage me, call me a heathen asshole- whatever, but give me something.

I will now go and immerse myself in an orgasm in a carton... and watch the election results- PEACE!

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Sunday, November 2, 2008

Clairvoyance and Latex

Alrighty, as promised, it's Monday and it's time for my Halloween rap up. Regardless of my husband being layed up (not to be confused with being laid) in a hospital bed possibly preparing for a gallbladder surgery (note to self: next hospital stay CANNOT take place during the weekend- apparently doctors don't answer surgical consults unless the organ in question has jumped outside of the body!)and my children being back in my possession (Pancreatitus Vacation Break 2008 has officially ended) and I'm sitting at my lame old dinky sized non-hospital computer monitor- I am a woman of my word.

Cue the harps and fuzzy squiggly flashback screen... doodoooloooloodooolooo (setting up a flashback- just in case that was unclear)...Remember my excerpt from pre- trick or treating on Friday...

I am attempting to dress up like a sexy nurse. My new header inspired me- we'll see how that goes, best case scenario, I might look skanky. I will also be dressing up my dog because this is my first Halloween with a dog and I'm a dork! Certainly crappy pictures to follow from our festivities.

I will now dissect...

I am attempting to dress up like a sexy nurse...

Best case scenario, I might look skanky... Now, I honestly didn't think I looked that skanky- hell, I was trick or treating with my 4 kids, my nieces and nephews, my mom, dad, husband and sister- I was convinced that this was a rated G (PG-13 at BEST) costume- maybe my large glass of wine that had to be refilled numerous times skewed my judgement.

I had 4 middle aged hot men fake needing medical attention, 2 dirty looks from Alpha moms dressed in quilted pumpkin and ghost vests, and 1 wine refill from a drunk friendly neighbor who couldn't take his eye off of my cleavage stethoscope.

Here's where the clairvoyance comes in...

At that point, I could chalk up my prediction of being skanky to pretty damn close... BUT WAIT...and if I'm lying, may I become allergic to chocolate, sex, shoes, and blogging... A black cavalier filled with teenage boys yelled out the window as they passed us... SKANK!

One who is disgustingly foul or filthy and often considered sexually promiscuous. Used especially of a woman or girl

Let's see, the little Victorian Princess? No. Frankenstein? No. The skeleton? No. The freaky gargoyle? Certainly not. The devil? Frighteningly possessed and reason to be concerned, yes, but skanky, no. Oh yeah! They were totally talking to me!

My dear, out of touch, ignorant (and I mean that in the sweetest possible way) mother thought "skank" was a compliment, and God love her, I wish she was right. She was hooting and hollering that "those boys" thought "I was hot". No, mom- skanky is not hot, but thanks anyway.

McMommy, now that is HOT! She could clearly teach me a few things. Like how to not cross the line from sexy to skanky! Maybe it was the latex. OH MY GAH- that shit is hot and not sexy McMommy hot, but sweaty boobs, skanky hot! Maybe the trick is stilettos. McMommy- show me the way...

After all, she owes me- she stole her costume from my dog...

Minus the stilettos.

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Saturday, November 1, 2008

very wrong

My new obsession with blogging from the hospital is wrong on so many levels. How do I count the ways?

I'm bored in the hospital room- it's cold as hell and I'm over watching The Cops Marathon- so I go down the hall for "a breath of fresh air".

The highlight of my night last night was walking through the hospital hallway so he could stretch his legs while I was pulling my husband's IV thingy- who says chivalry's dead? It was practically like holding hands! I'm over it- so I go out "for a walk."

He kept farting- it was pretty funny. He also insisted that he was all better after his flatulence laps and could go home- WRONG ANSWER JACK ASS! You are getting this fixed. I'll be damned if I lose anymore beauty sleep from your stomach aches!

I am sick of reassuring my husband that he doesn't have cancer- that's not that I'm being mean- he REALLY doesn't have cancer!
Don't get me wrong- if he did, that would be awful, but he doesn't. He just has a very anxious over-active Munchhausen imagination and pancreatitus and he may have to have his gallbladder removed- as much as that sucks- IT IS NOT CANCER, CRAZY MAN!

The room closest to my beloved hospital computer has a man that has one of those Larynx boxes that makes him sound like a robot and though I'm sad for him- he talks an awful lot and it's freaking me out! Shouldn't he just be resting?

When my husband's nurses pass me when I'm sitting at this computer, I'm afraid the jig is up up and they're going to turn me in.

When other people pass me and I am typing like it's nobody's business, in my mind's eye, I am making up an elaborate story that I work for a very popular publication and have a deadline that must be met. My laptop got lost on the plane.

I brought an egg mcmuffin in for breakfast. My husband is on a an IV and just got a cup of chicken broth to start his "all liquid diet"- was that incompassionate? Don't answer that.

Last night, I went home to "get a good night's sleep" and like a drug addict- next thing I noticed I was TWITTERING! Good God- what have I become?

In all seriousness, he's feeling better and thanks for all of your well wishes (for me, not him, well, Ok, him too!). He REALLY thinks he is good enough to go home. Luckily, I mean, unfortunately, he has to get the gallbladder removed and his current state of euphoria is from the fasting and antibiotic he's been receiving. I just got read the riot act from him for NOT bringing my kids up to see him. Sorry, that was probably inconsiderate of me... I was thinking this was a vacation for me- my bad... so, now I must go retrieve my kids from my sister's house so I don't look like a total ass and I will probably return to do more inappropriate blogging!

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Kinky Plans

Ok, so here it is... I didn't plan on posting today. I was going to plan a big "unveiling" of my Halloween pictures and it was going to be great! I was going to leave you all sitting on the edge of your chairs... with no new posts- waiting for Monday- since I have noticed that not many people read my blogs on Saturdays and Sundays.

So, that still is the plan for the most part and when Monday's post comes (hopefully as planned- but read this post, things may not go as planned). But when it comes it will definitely be worth it! I'll give you a hint- I'm clairvoyant and I was wearing latex- that's all I'm saying! Will you be able to stand the anticipation???

The kink in my plan, however, needs to be preluded by a small explanation about my pussy husband, me being a bitch, and tough love...

For months and months now, he has complained of "indigestion". I think it's even made a post or two. At one point, we wrote it off as lactose intolerance, once we thought he was just a drunk, and once, a glutton! After the first few months, I began thinking that he was either the biggest pussy in the world or there was really an underlining medical problem.

While in Alabama, he had some of his worst attacks yet. Not sleeping at all. Going and soaking at the hot tub at 2, 3 and 4AM. Keeling over the side of the bed at all hours of the night. Trust me, it made for a GREAT vacation!

I guess it's important to know that my husband is scared to death of doctors and is the biggest hypochondriac ever- which is a bit of a contradiction when it comes down to it, really. He's convinced he has cancer, but pretty sure that if he ignores it, it'll just go away- what a dumb ass!!!

So when we returned, I gave him an ultimatum of attending a dr. visit that I had scheduled for him or no nookie ever again! It was a huge blow to my ego when he chose the latter! But Karma is a funny friend of mine, well, kind of, in a sadistic sort of way.

This morning at 5AM, he started throwing up profusely. The devil inside of me smiled, "so you ready to go to the Dr. yet?" I asked with I told you so coming out of my pores. Finally, after 4 hours of vomiting uncontrolably, he decided he had enough and wanted to start getting some again (well, that probably wasn't on his mind, but I like to make everything about me!)

SOOOO, long story, still relatively long, I am typing this on a gorgeous state of the art computer in the new hospital complex behind our house. It's really a huge monitor and a pleasure to type on, but again, this isn't about me and how I want a new computer. This is about my husband getting Catscans and MRI's and being diagnosed with Pancreatitis, Gallstones and an inflamed liver and having been admitted for a minimum of 4 days!

My head is spinning while I'm trying to line up people to take care of my kids and chaeffeur them to the obnoxious amount of activities that they have scheduled- so what am I doing- I'm fucking writing on my blog at the hospita! Where are my scruples, people?

So I feel like shit that my husband is sick, but secretly happy that he will get better finally (and that I was right.) I feel like shit that I am blogging down the hall where I should be providing moral support or a blow job or something. I feel guilty that someone else is going to have to care for my kids for a few days- no- strike that- I'm good with that!

Luckily for me, he is hooked up to an IV and is not mobile because if he knew I was on this computer, he would soooo take out his gun and kill me!

So, I'm going to go pretend to be a doting wife that was just walking around the hospital grounds getting some fresh air and maybe eat some hospital food. Hopefully I will be back soon- not to my home computer, but to this computer (did I mention it's a pleasure?) to check for comments- because I can't be expected to sit in that little room the entire day, right?

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