Saturday, January 31, 2009

And Another Thing...

After yesterday's post about Jon and Kate, I thought I'd be remiss to not even mention the recent octuplets and their unfolding circumstances and what a wild poor white trash ride it is!

If you've been living under a rock... to recap... last week- word's out that first set of surviving octuplets were born in California... mom's identity "withheld"... details are very hush hush...

Friday morning, CBS Early Show hits the mother load and discovers that the 33 year old unmarried woman ALREADY has 6 children ranging from ages 2-7 (including one set of twins-also from IVF!) She lives in a neighborhood of small ranch 2-3 bedroom homes with her parents who have just filed for bankruptcy. The identity of the biological father is still unknown. The grandfather of the babies plans to return to his Native Iraq to earn money. Trying to be evasive, he warned the reporters...

"We have a huge house, not here. You are never going to know where it is."

One of my theories...the Iraq thing is just to throw them off- he's from Saudi Arabia. He's freaking Osama Bin Laden! The dude's loaded! And 14 kids is nothing- he's one of 26 for Christ's sake!

I could get into the ethical cluster fuck that is the fertility clinic that's basting this woman's baby mill of a uterus. I could bitch and moan about my probable tax dollars that will be sheltering, diapering, and feeding this litter of babies until DFS, the Juvenile Detention Center, or GOD FORBID, TLC gets to them!

THEN, I see that the woman was "obsessed" with having babies- ya think?

Awwww. The poor little girl that didn't get enough love from mommy and daddy that's numbing the pain by creating babies so she's assured unconditional love. Ease the heartache with chocolate cake and promiscuity like a normal person!

In a perfect world, the bereft frozen embryo slut could have been scared straight by a visit to Maury Povich or Tyra.

The only way this story could get more scandalous is if this was her fertility doctor!

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus 8 Minus 1 (Viewer)

I interrupt this week's regularly scheduled post of Friday Fragments for a non-random rant about TLC's Jon and Kate Plus 8...

I try not to judge (I mean, it's not like they're the Duggars or anything), but on this week's episode, they showed their new house- A 6,200 square foot house- complete with farm, pool, pool house and extensive acreage...

I've watched this show from the get go. I couldn't care less how many kids you have or how you got them OR even if you make money by doing this show, BUT I won't be LIED to (that was my best Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction).

Kate, I was a fan. I'm sorry to break this to you, but it's over. I can't handle the deception anymore!

Your husband works in computers and you are a nurse by trade that stays home with your kids, why exactly did you need a farm? ("We needed this"- a direct quote).

You insist (and repeated it several times throughout the course of the show) that you agreed to do the show simply to have a video keepsake of the kids and that there was no financial benefit from it... you have since had a tummy tuck, braces, your husband- hair transplant (because of YOUR vanity), and traveled extensively for a family of 10 on one income!

You're just plain mean to Jon. I have been compared to you and, yes, I am a controlling bitch at times, but my husband isn't nearly as pussy whipped as yours and doesn't just take it like Jon- that would make me feel really guilty!

I have watched from the beginning, I enjoyed the believability of your life. You did a lot of the same things I do and had some of the same quirks/disorders, too. I enjoyed your modest means living, your way of stretching a dollar, your suburban ranch home, the fact that the kids rode their bikes in the driveway and threw temper tantrums.

I could have done without your 'holier than thou'' organic food bit and your rooster haircut- but I dealt with it because you were the closest thing to me on TV. I could relate to you. Your kids misbehave, you yell, you argue with your husband, but at the end of the day, it was real.

Your kids are adorable- although you better watch those twins- they're getting your attitude and Mady beats the crap out of the little ones, just so you know!

The beginning of the end was when you started traveling. The trip to Walt Disney World is one thing, but then Salt Lake City, Utah and then... I really started slipping when you renewed your vows with your 8 kids in Hawaii for your 9 year wedding anniversary.

For the record: NINE YEARS? That's not an anniversary that you pull out all the stops- maybe 10, 15,20-now 25 is a really monumental one! But 9? Not so much.

I'm not buying it! You're not 'benefiting' from this exposure? BULL SHIT! Don't get me wrong- I would probably do the same if it was offered to me, but I wouldn't pretend that we just came upon some windfall of good fortune and hard work and deny the truth!

So, I'm afraid this is the end. In this economy, the last thing I want to watch is some spoiled bitch pimp her kids on The Learning Channel for material things and live in the lap of luxury while I'm wondering how I'm going to pay my utilities. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see my artificial insemination doctor!

Former fan and fellow OCD patient,

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Thousand Words Thursday

I don't usually play along with Thousand Word Thursdays because 1.) I suck at taking pictures and 2.) since I suck so badly at taking pictures they're never "worth a thousand words" but rather need an explanation and 3.) I am very long-winded... so if you want breathtaking pictures that don't need to be explained that you can just sit back and enjoy the beauty, go here, she never disappoints! If you want dysfunction, I got your dysfunction right here (the twist today- dysfunction WITH PICTURES!)...

Snow day from school #2. Husband home from work day #3. If you're doing the math, that's 6 people trapped by cold, icy, and snowy conditions in one house for 48 hours. Things could have gotten ugly. Luckily, I'm a peacekeeper (not really, I was just sick to death of being inside and my ears were bleeding from hearing them beg to go out and play in the snow!) I quelled the troops and there was no fighting bloodshed.

(don't get your panties in a bunch, they're making snow angels- but they do look a little dead, right?)

It took about an hour to bundle them up- Christmas Story style...

Murphy loved the snow, but it was so deep (and he is so small) that he was getting buried as he ran through it- so funny...

He had matted snow balls stuck to his fur- is that some kind of PETA violation?

When frozen dogs attack!

They attempted a snowman. This is as far as they got. Yeah. There's nothing. Note to self: work on follow through with girls. I suppose I could have put down the camera and helped, but then I wouldn't have been able to mock my husband shoveling our suicide slope driveway capture these fabulous memories!

Playing in the snow- over-rated!
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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Public Service Annoucement-UPDATED

I like most things Canadian. Their health care, Kids in the Hall, Sarah McLaughlin, Ryan Reynolds, and, according to my husband, the most beautiful National Anthem (insert my eye roll and yawn here!)

Many amazingly talented and hot people are from Canada.

Can't think of much anything bad to say about them, eh? (well, that "eh" thing is a little annoying) , but one thing I don't like ... the Canada Goose- the unwelcome dropping ducks from the North!

We all know what happened in the New York Harbor and it is assumed these fecal infested fowl were the cause.

On Friday, we had a bit of a break in the weather and I decided to take a walk with my entourage... Me, Beebs, Lila, and Murphy, the dog. There is a quaint lake in our neighborhood that we love to walk around...

As soon as we get there, I am reminded of why I don't take walks in the winter...

yep, these little fuckers! They have taken over my lake. And their dung lined my walkway!

We made it about 2 steps before I was done dodging the wagon around goose turds and wanted to throw up because Murphy discovered a new snack. It isn't bad enough that these things honk by flock over our house 14 times a day like a scene out of The Birds? Now they gotta take away the little physical exercise I've attempted in a long time!

If you were ever curious where the phrase, shit like a goose comes from- wonder no more! These things weigh an average of 8lbs and poop up to 3 lbs a day! They poop , on an average, EVERY 12 MINUTES!!! During the winter, they can poop as much as 92 times a day. Can you tell I'm upset- I did actual research on these filthy creatures!!!

So Canada, I love you and your perfect little gun control, gay marriage, non-recession, hockey lovin' country, but can you throw us Americans a bone and take back you geese, eh?

UPDATE: I knew there was something fishy about these damn things- I just recieved this:


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Tuesday's Tribute

Jay and Deb have come up with Tuesday's Tribute- they have this notion that everything is not about me! Have they been here? It really is. I get it, though, they're trying to ground us, pay it forward, get over ourselves, whatever... here's my attempt...

Tuesday's Tribute

The other night, I reconnected with two guy friends from high school on Facebook. No, this is not a tribute to Facebook.

The last time I spoke with them was 19 years ago. I loved them! I've missed them. I knew them through drama. We sang show tunes and practiced our jazz squares and choreography together. Maybe you can see this coming... they are gay.

We all knew it back then, but back in the 80's, it wasn't something you said, talked about, or embraced as a high school student. There were no social organizations, no support groups, no clubs. They didn't have LOGO, Ellen or Will and Grace. The politicians were better at hiding their indiscretions and paying off people ('cuz you KNOW it was happening).

Having gone to a Catholic school, I imagine the stigma of it was even that much more of a guilt for them to carry and a personal struggle. Thank goodness, in today's slightly more tolerable world, they have both "come out" and are living their lives true to themselves.

Contrary to my husband's medicine drawer filled with of Preparation H, Rogaine, eye cream, alpha hydroxy (strawberry scented!), and self-tanner- HE IS NOT GAY! He's the furthest thing from gay. I could use a little gay around here.

Lo and behold one of my friends, agreed to be my 'gay husband'. I have been wanting one for a long time- someone to share decorating ideas and and a nice fruity drink with an umbrella. Someone that won't act like he's going to spontaneously combust when we walk into a mall. Someone that will understand the magnitude of the question, does this make me look fat? and know how to give an appropriate response (lie and focus on how fabulous my shoes are!) Someone that can gossip with me and truly cares what Angelina wore last night! Someone that does not pick their 'favorite' designer in Project Runway with the sole basis: "she has nice tits".

And finally, someone that I know wouldn't be caught dead walking around in my house like this- I think my eyeballs are burning!

I tribute gay men with fashion sense and observance! Understanding the female perspective. Honesty with compassion. Not being afraid of open communication. And, for the love of God, not ever mixing plaids!

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Sunday, January 25, 2009

What's in your cabinet?

So you may know I am a bit of a neat freak, but like all people, I have my weak spots, my Achilles heel, my kryptonite: my bathroom cabinets. I hate to waste so I often ignore expiration dates on anything that's not dairy or wrought with mold. I figure, what's the worse that can happen? The medicine doesn't work anymore? So really, it's just more of a placebo. Placebos never hurt anyone! That being said, the medicines (or placebos, if you will) in my bathroom cabinet were probably bought in preparation of illnesses that may arise from Y2K, before Al Gore invented the internet and was robbed of the presidency by some ass named "Chad"!

When I read Three Boys One Mommy had an idea for a new meme where she challenged people to take a picture of their medicine cabinets and post it. I got a quick rush of anxiety and thought,

oh no, I cannot take a picture of that messy thing! I'm quite certain that most people do not have hairy, rusty safety pins that are cemented by toothpaste to the bottom of the drawer, and expired Ex-Lax that I'm holding on to just in case the day comes when I decide I want to try that diet... old school-70's after school special-laxative style!

But then, she threw in the rule that you could tidy up before taking the pictures- phew! A reprieve. My cabinets REALLY needed cleaning! So, you see, it's not so much a meme- as it is more- a community service- so I thank you- for lighting a fire under my ass. I assume my husband would thank you if I was brave enough to tell him that the Tums I've been feeding him for the latest 'stomach bug' he's had, expired in 2003. And my sick kids that have been given 'placebos' instead of actual medication for the last 7 years thank you!

I wasn't invited to play in the meme- specifically (bygones)- but she has a prize! Invitation or not, I can be bribed! So, Supermommy, here's your peek inside without the uncomfortable anxiety of having to sneak around in my bathroom and worry that I loaded up with marbles just to catch you red-handed...

First, all of the expired items finally in the trash- where they belong (these are the REALLY out of date ones- I still couldn't part with the ones that had relatively recent expiration- like 2007- I know that's 2 years, but we are in a recession, people!)

And the winner of Most Expired Item in My Medicine Drawer is...

A bottle of Excedrin PM expiration: 05/02. (I had a hard time sleeping- I was so wound up from watching a new episode of Ally McBeal! )

Really, nothing to see here, folks! Could it be more boring?
The ziploc baggie is full of aspirin and Tums (most likely expired by a few years, too, but no bottle so no proof!) We bring that with us when we travel since the original bottles were from Costco and were large enough to hold a human head!

Looking for good stuff? My husband keeps his generic hemorhoidal cream, Rogaine, puffy eye cream, and self tanner (no, he's not gay) in his own drawer, sorry. I keep my good stuff here...

On my computer desk- always within an arm's reach!

And more of my good stuff here... on the top of the vanity-skin care- I'm waiting for the magic to happen and have started a savings fund for Botox and Restalyn because these don't work worth a shit!
So, altogether pretty tame. Sorry, I ran out of vaginal itch cream and enemas just last week. However, I won't lie and say that this commercial hasn't piqued my curiosity!

I think I might have to move a few things around and make room for this!

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Obligitory Weekend Post

I have an odd guilty feeling having a Friday Fragment post still lingering on Sunday (it must be the OCD)... so to catch you up...

Friday, I babysat my 1 year old niece, Lila, the one that enjoys herself a nice stiff Sharpie high on occasion. I learned a few good lessons from babysitting her...

***one of the reasons I love her is that I didn't have to wear a bra that day and she didn't judge me!

*** she pinches as hard as a mofo- maybe I should have worn said bra.

*** I let her out of my sight for like 2 minutes and she lost her binkie (pacifier, nubby- whatever your term for it is)

*** dogs, apparently, are good at finding binkies and like to chew on them.

*** DO NOT use "Magic Eraser" to try and remove Sharpie off of tender chubby baby legs (I did not do this- it was her dad). Her little legs were raw and resembled track marks from a multi-colored heroine binge...

All important lessons- I share with you- you're welcome!

So you may recall my daughter ushered in Puke Fest '09 last week. Then, later that day, Beebs joined the party. My husband and I had a touch of the sour stomach and body aches through the week.

Saturday morning, my sister called me and told me that Lila was throwing up all night. Um, sorry about that. Then at noon, another call from her, one more of her kids down at Puke Fest. She said they threw up and then were acting fine so she was still hosting "Game Night", as planned, that night. Sorry, I'll pass. Does that make me a bad person? Probably, but I have 2 kids that were untouched by this and I'd like to keep it that way.

My cousin still went to Game Night with her kids. She seemed to feel impervious because she does 'flu shots'. Every year, the doctor offers them to me and my kids and every year, I refuse. And yes, pretty much every year, we get the flu. I am from the old school of thought that the flu is a winter rite of passage.

I am a cynical person when vaccines first come out. I like to let them work out their kinks before I even consider it. I am also a believer of the amount of strains of flu that goes around in a given season are not all guaranteed in the vaccine- so why go through it. BUT, then I think, if I don't have to clean up all that nasty and the kids didn't have to feel sick, maybe it would be worth it. HOWEVER, there have been two people I know that have done flu shot, religiously, in October, every year, for, at least, the last five years. And frankly, those two people have the sickliest kids I've ever known- they always seem to have something!

So, I ask you, do you do flu shots? I'm curious, now that they have been around a while... what do you think?

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Friday Fragments

Do people think you are borderline schizophrenic, but you totally have your shit together, like me and just have a hard time staying on point because you really don't talk to too many adults in the course of a week's time and you have a lot to get off of you chest? Link up and join in where they embrace random thoughts (and probably mental disorders, too)- Friday Fragments with Mrs.4444- she's totally sane, I'm fairly certain!

***Sunday's puke fest tried its best to get to me. I was a little under the weather Wednesday, not enough to throw up, but enough to not be able to eat- or even have ANY desire to. Instead, I got the body aches and tested the dosage limits of Aleve in a 24 hour period (FYI- 14 is OK.)

***I was actually on board with the whole sick thing- and was considering putting it in the permanent rotation of diet secrets (no throwing up, no appetite, just load up on Aleve every time I felt my fingers)- UNTIL- I got my appetite back today. I may or may not have bought a chocolate cake at the grocery store that my kids can't have- just sayin'.

***My sister called me several times today and yesterday to see how I was doing. How sweet, right- no, we're not. I thought that was really weird since she's kind of a bitch like me and really couldn't care less-UNTIL-she reminded me that I agreed to watch her daughter tomorrow. She is an adorably busy little terrorist who has a recent adoration for Sharpies. My sister has found her- the last three days straight- drawing on herself with them. I'm convinced she's doing it for the fumes, but whatever. In preparation of her arrival, I have confiscated all writing utensils, aerosol containers and glue bottles. She only has one VERY loud volume and is into everything... Since my recent yearning for another baby, I thought it was important I watch her, yep, that should put me in my place!

*** Could Dick Cheney have resembled Mr. Potter from It's a Wonderful Life during the inauguration any MORE IF HE TRIED????

*** I suck at rules and contests... yada yada yada... BUT, my luck is a changin'...I won something- A gift card to Trader Joes! Wanna know how I did it- I worked my ass off- that's how! I jumped off of a roof and had to land on an exercise trampoline and I was the closest without going over. It's really the most exertion I've had since I've taken down my Christmas decorations- shut up- that was a lot of work! Go pay Lee a visit-she's a very cool West Coaster and has easy rules to follow (all I had to do was leave a comment for God's sake!) and she has pics of me being an adrenaline junkie.

***My parenthesis are becoming more pronounced and it's pissing me off. You know, the lines that surround your mouth that look just like parenthesis (if you don't know- you must leave or tell me your secret!) Someone has clicked the bold button on them and they are really driving me crazy.

( _____ )

My mouth looks something like this right now!

Target to the rescue... this is what I bought...

I will keep you upraised of the progress!

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Grow Up!

A couple of weeks ago, my daughter came home from school with a Solar System project. What planet did you get? Uranus. Tee hee.

Yeah, the wrong family got "Uranus" because I have not stopped giggling for two weeks. Did you know that Uranus is gassy? Uranus is 14 times the size of Earth! That's rich- you can't make up stuff that good!

I currently have a blue paper mache planet hanging in my kitchen drying...

My husband: what's that?
Me: Uranus (of course, I say it kind of crude and emphasize YOUR ANUS- it's just funnier that way!)
Me: I'm painting 'Your Anus'- kinky, right?
Me: Don't touch Uranus- it's wet.
My husband: you are so dumb!
Me: Uranus!
(it just doesn't get old! Try it!)

More random examples of how I need to get past 9 year old humor...

  • The Bloggess recently got a dog and posted about possible names, "My Vagina" being one of her favorites. The humor in that has endless possiblities!

  • Yesterday during the inauguration, Obama said "duties"- tee hee.

  • I was on the phone with my sister and she asked why are there so many inaugural balls? Tee hee.

  • Brittney mentioned yesterday was "get rid of Bush Day" and scheduled a waxing appointment in celebration of the auspicious occasion (genius!). The exact moment I'm reading that, laughing my ass off, I SWEAR TO YOU, Tom Brokaw and Lester Holt on NBC were talking about Laura Bush's carpet!!!
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Monday, January 19, 2009

Tuesday's Tribute

Tuesday's Tribute
A Jay and Deb Production.

We met when we were in the fourth grade. She's been a great friend for a lot of years. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. Although we only see each other rarely now, since she's moved away, I wanted to let her know her friendship still does mean the world to me and she is the bravest, most charitable, selfless person I know.

In high school, she was a foreign exchange student in Dublin, Ireland amidst the Catholics and Protestants fighting. A junior in high school, and she lived within an earshot of a war zone- in a foreign land!

She convinced me, a self-absorbed college student, to return home from school to help local businesses in our hometown by sandbagging against the rising Mississippi River during the flood of '93.

She has lived and worked in a kibbutz in Israel. She was in Guatemala during catastrophic flooding and landslides. She has helped put out forest fires. She has traveled to places like Africa and Honduras. In her travels, she doesn't live by an itinerary- always staying in hostiles, meeting locals, and learning their way of life. Her personal photo album looks like that of a reporter from National Geographic- she has no fear.

Last night, my friend, you outdid yourself! Stepping foot into my influenza germ-infested house may have been one of the bravest things you've ever done. Thanks for keeping our "date" and hanging out with me and the gang- you're a real trooper!

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Catching Up

After the 'exploding child' issues yesterday morning, and hours of clean up, I crawled back to my bed around 10:30 to attempt to catch a couple hours of sleep before, inevitably, the next child got sick (I'm a glass half empty kind of gal). Only to find my husband in bed with 2 scantily clad women!

Beebs must have put them there to keep dad company while I was busy- sweet girl. The most disturbing thing about this picture is that my husband was still sleeping at 10:30 when projectile vomit and human waste is strewn all over my house... I must admit... he did wake up at 3AM (then he stepped in the vomit with his socks and I totally freaked out on his ass and told him to take off his socks and just go back to bed and let me take care of it- control freak, much? YES!) Still, no excuse to be sleeping around on me until 10:30??? I can't remember the last time I slept past 8!!!

Finally, about a half hour into catching up on sleep-Round 2!

Yes, Beebs started yaking -IN BED- during her nap!!! Still waiting for the 3rd and 4th shoes to fall- they are keeping their distance!

On the bright side, I was able to watch some TV last night... Big Love, The L Word (this is where my husband TOTALLY thinks I want to become a lesbian- and he's right- THAT SHOW IS HOT!) and caught some of the new show United States of Tara and I found it eerily autobiographical and LOVED it (watch it, you'll see what I mean)!!!

Here's hoping things get back to normal tomorrow- kids back to school, husband back to work, bleach fumes fading from my nasal cavity, and back to wasting extreme amounts of time at the computer again... till then...

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Sunday, January 18, 2009

Don't Read This While Eating Breakfast!

As if you need more evidence of me being an unfit goes.. confession time. I love my kids, of course, but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE babies, even toddlers the most! I enjoy the youth and adolescence occasionally (I've yet to discover the endearing quality in the teen- ager), but really after the age of 8, I've noticed that the talking back, attitude, and dramatics have slightly tarnished my love affair with these little people.

One thing, however, that I do not miss from the baby stages, is cleaning up puke, specifically- baby bed,disinfecting the spindles of the crib, scrubbing carpet, 8 loads of laundry, bath at 3AM, baby puke!

Once the kids are no longer confined by the bars of a crib, can recognize what that rumbly in their tumbly means, and have the ability to run to the bathroom and GOD WILLING- make it to the toilet, they have really reached a huge milestone. In my opinion, it's up there with potty training!

Unfortunately, with some monster stomach bugs, this milestone isn't foolproof. Sadly, my daughter was cursed with one such bug at 3:30 this morning!

Now, when a child makes it to the toilet - I'm there! On bended knee, squatting next to them...pulling their hair out of the way, rubbing their back, running a cool rag over their forehead and neck, softly encouraging it'll be Ok, honey.

But when a kid throws up in her nice and clean bedroom in the middle of the night (and, of course, her bed is the FURTHEST from the door!)

and continues to throw up as she treks down an obnoxiously long hallway to the bathroom leaving a yak trail the ENTIRE way, my compassion doesn't come as easy. (The right side of that picture looked like a 9 year old exploded!)

Instead of standing vigil next to her and her porcelain god, I was busy shedding the bed linens, wiping down the walls and ceiling, steam cleaning the carpets, wondering what time Target opens to buy new mini-blinds and an alarm clock and disinfecting the room and the vomit trail so I'm not doing the same thing within the next 24 hours with one of the other kids!

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

Friday Fragments

I wasn't going to do a Friday Fragments this week because I'm lazy, but Mrs. 4444 awarded me this from last week's fragments and I felt guilted obligated honored! Thanks so much!!!
***I also wanted to clear some things up from my last post. It may have freaked some people out. And, in no way, was I making fun of "awards"- I'm just a jealous little baby! So, once again, sorry I caused all that cancer.

*** While we're there, in reference to a couple of comments to my last post...I did not use the silverware in whatever way I suppose was implied except for eating... FOOD! God, what kind of FREAK do you think I am?

*** Speaking of freaks, I have to mention the train wreck that is the Rock of Love Bus. I watched the first season and it was semi-entertaining with the ho's and the catfights... yada yada yada... then I was all like- "yuck- I'm over these ho-bags and this man whore with his bandanna that we all know is covering a receding hairline or recently installed plugs"... so, I stopped watching. As luck would have it, though, I happened to catch a glimpse of the new season that takes place on the tour bus.

HOLY SHIT- they are not human- they're not slutty, ho-bag, whores, porn star trash-I, mean, they are all that, BUT WORSE! It's like a whole new breed! I can't help but watch... total rubbernecking stuff!

The first episode- they got very drunk (surprise!) and there were 2 girls getting it on (another surprise!) and - well- one laid on the bar and did a 'body shot' off of the other... NOT FROM THE NAVAL, but another crevice, if you will- OH MY GOD- JUST- OH. MY. GOD. This was not shown (thank you FCC), just the looks of amazement and disbelief from fellow hoes and Bret Michaels!

Then there's this girl... Constandina...

Bret's kindred bandanna wearin', belly dancin', exotic woman with the third eye contestant. She's the token New Age girl who's probably into meditation. She mentioned to Bret that she made "a vow" to not have "all the way sex" for 3 years.

1.) "all the way sex"- what are you? 12?

2.) Then Bret starts using the
phrase "all the way sex"!

3.) Then, DUH, she gets sent home because...

4.) You must be a slutty whore that has lots and lots of "all the
way sex" on Rock of Love!

Then there is Brittaney...

...who Bret senses a familiarity with... hmmm... I feel like I know you, but I can't put my finger on it (I'm sure she'd LET YOU!!!)...

That's it! He's seen her movies!!! OF COURSE, HE HAS!!! She blushes and quickly retreats to the fact that she is no longer in porn-OF COURSE, SHE'S NOT and is trying to take her "career" in a different direction-OF COURSE, SHE IS (Yeah, that'll work- Traci Lords/Jenna Jameson!) and that she sings now... OF COURSE, YOU DO! So, she sings and sucks- no pun intended- she's bad!

She is not sent home because this girl is a train wreck and the Producers threatened Bret that they would rip off his bandanna exposing his balding if he dare sent home this catastrophic ratings gold slut!
I could go on and on, but I won't...Seriously, watch this show- it's so funny!

*** And a weird juxtaposition... from porn star to baking... I must now go prepare 2 cakes and a soup for 20 people for my son's family get together for his birthday tomorrow night. We are going to rock out some Guitar Hero and party like we're 14! Have a good weekend!

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