Monday, June 29, 2009

A Fortified Breakfast

With four kids home from school for the summer, there are bound to be arguments, disputes, and even knock-out- drag-down fights. Yes, we have that. We have that often. However, there is one argument that I can count on- DAILY. First thing in the morning- every single, God-blessed peaceful morning.

The cereal fight.

At any given time, I have 10-20 boxes of nutritionally defunct, sugar-laden boxes of cereal in my cabinet. I buy, stock-up, on cereals that are on sale. I don't care the brand, what my kids' favorite kind is, if there is a hologram on the box or if Miley Freaking Cyrus, herself, spit in the box- if it's on sale I will buy it. I will buy lots.

I have one rule about cereal- that I have passed down through the ages- or to my 14 year old son anyway... my son, the "Cereal Keeper"- the only one that can reach the cabinet with cereal and has been self-appointed "cereal Nazi". One box of cereal open at a time. It's not a la carte. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. And why would they, really? They're all sweet puffy balls of cavity causing goodness- some chocolate, some chemically sweetened to resemble fruit, some even have every child's' favorite- marshmallows- what's not to love?

Every morning in my house, there is, at least, one kid screaming, whining or arguing about the chosen cereal of the day. Every. Freaking. Day. Like time work. Actually, it's more of an alarm clock for me. I don't ever have to worry about sleeping past 8AM due to " operation breakfast breakdown". And what a delightful way to be woken.

It's one question in this game of parenting that I have yet to figure out- right along with why kids are most likely to throw up in the middle of the night.

Now, I used to get it. I used to try and sneak in a box of Corn Flakes or Kix or Shredded Wheat (minus the frosted coating). Then they got old enough and organized a coup, tied me down like Gulliver until I cried high fructose corn syrup.

Who doesn't like Frosted Flakes? Child #2. Who throws themselves in protest of Captain Crunch? Child #4. Who locks herself in her room because Honey Nut Cheerios were poured in her bowl? Child #3.

This morning I had it. I needed a coffee minus the headache. So we made a trip to the promised land...
Can't you just hear the fat cells expanding as the choir of angels sing?? That's "Donuts and Ice Cream"- I want to make chubby babies with "Paul"- marry me!

A one day reprieve from the cereal fight- God Bless You, Paul.

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Friday, June 26, 2009

Friday Fragments

So it seems on back on this blogging fix after all. As was my tradition, I will try to jump back in with Mrs.4444 in Friday Fragments... here goes ... sorry- I may be rusty...

***Today is a large coffee day. I usually get the medium (that's right- small, medium and large- good old-fashioned poor white trash sizes not that hoytie-toytie tall, grande shit!), but something told me this was a large coffee day- thus far, I was right- so I said, "I'll take the biggin'". Beebs woke everyone up at 7AM with her howling scream because "she's being mean to me" and it was on!

***I had to do bills this morning and the stack was getting VERY thick, but I had procrastinated long enough. Damn, it's depressing draining a bank account by paying bills.

***Yesterday was a tough day for me. Lots of tears. No real incident- just feelings of overwhelmed/not being able to keep it together/inadequacies/my kids won't shut up. My husband works a lot and when he's home "he's tired". He hates it when I say it, but for all intents and purposes- I am a single mom. To 5 kids. 4 that I birthed and 1 that I married. Don't get me wrong, the 45 year old keeps the ship running by bringing home a paycheck- and he won't let me forget it!!! I don't want to get all introspective, but sometimes I just want to tell him "I'm tired too, and I deserve a raise-dammit!" I'll shut up now.

***I'm not cool. Sometimes I forget that- if you ever hear me say "Tru-dat", FO SHO, or add the suffix "izzle" to ANYTHING- please slap me!

*** Google Analytics is a site that keeps track of traffic on blogs. It's also a fool proof way to be entertained by seeing what keyword searches your blog has been found through.... this person stayed for 6 pages...

"milfs experimenting licking face and pussy while working out at the gym"

Did the small font make it any less crass? Probably not. I'll have you know that I pasted and copied- I didn't even want to type that because then I imagine it and then I don't want to go to the gym anymore because you already hear horror stories about Staph infections that circulate at the gym and I think this brings to another level!

***Curious, why is the word "internet" not on spellcheck- did I miss something??

***Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died. Sad. Sure, Michael was a freak show, but he was an icon- he pioneered pop music. And if you didn't dance to him in the 80's or sing along with his music at some point in your life, then your religion doesn't allow you to be using that fancy E-lectricity it takes to run the computer you're reading this on- so grab your bonnet and be on your way. Give the dude his props- that's all I'm saying. And as for Farrah, she was gorgeous, the documentary about her was lovely and heart-breaking- but she was a freak show for a while, too- you can't tell me that broad wasn't souped up on something when she was on David Letterman. But I digress, they are both gone, that is sad. They have both left behind family, friends, and fans that will miss them. Have some respect.

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dear Elves...

Dear Keebler Elves,

I try to eat right. I do. I buy your cookies for my kids. I know, everyone says that, but I really do. If I'm being honest, yours are not my favorite cookies in the world- I can pass on them. Unfortunately, when I'm trying hard to eat right and your cookies are the only ounce of chocolate that I have in the house, there are bound to be moments of weakness. They're so small that I think I'll just sneak into my kitchen and get ONE cookie and solve my chocolate fix. Therein lies the problem.

First, I don't eat just one. They are very small. Do you have some kind of proportion scale you use in the baking tree? Is it made for elves? Because let me tell you, those cookies are too small for human consumption of just ONE!

Next, the packaging. Do elves have good hearing? Because your packaging is the loudest packaging in the universe and not conducive to sneaking a snack in the middle of the night. I give you EXHIBIT A:

Yes, I filmed that by hold a camera between my chin and my chest- I have mad skills!

Anyway. My point is... you should make your cookies slightly larger and look into a different kind of packaging- maybe something more recyclable- going green is all the rage these days.

Oh and another thing... which came first Grasshoppers or Girl Scout Thin Mints? 'Cuz if you guys had that idea first, you should really think about suing the asses off of those little girls- they taste exactly the same! But if the Girl Scouts were first, you should be ashamed of yourself, really, stealing from little girls? The package that I ate (that's right, I said package- but, seriously- they're small and minty, like a breath mint, so, really it's like eating a package of Breathsavers. Dipped in chocolate.)anyway... the package I ate yesterday was good and I didn't have to wait to be bothered by a little girl knocking on my door, then wait 3 months to get the over-priced box of cookies- so kudos- even if you did steal the idea.

Your friend,
P.S. vote for my BEWBS #09- Top three get prizes and I want to win some sexy undies- I've been teetering in 5th and 6th place. You can vote everyday until July 30!

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

BlogHer Anxieties- Part One- I'm sure there will be a sequel!

For those of you not attending BlogHer, my apologies. For those of you that are jealous of me going and/or sick of me talking about it, understandably, sorry, but suck it up, or you might want to move along because this will be, yet, another...

So, you may know it has been almost 15 YEARS since I have been out of the house without my kids and/or husband (groceries, Great Clips for crappy haircuts and couple hour trips to the mall to use my free Victoria Secret Panties coupons do not count- though even those trips made alone- have been few and far between!) I figured I was due. So I have made the executive decision to go to a blogging conference (and by "conference" I totally mean girl's drunken getaway)- against my rumbling tummy and racing mind's wishes.

At first the excitement was insurmountable- images of me socializing with other bloggers that I have enjoyed for the last year with a fancy umbrella drink surgically attached to my hand, rocking a karaoke microphone with the other- I was giddy. Then I had to deal with the first reality of it... telling my husband (AKA- anxiety boy) that I was going, who would I stay with, how would I get there, what will I wear?

My husband was cool with it- 3 months ago- when he was horny. I'm sure he doesn't remember, but I'm willing to put out the night before I leave just to shut him up- I'm a whore like that.

Then, two amazingly talented heavy hitters in the blog world opened up their room to me- under the stipulation that I not be too hot- duly noted by my diet of ice cream and cookies thus far this summer and the conference date falls on my monthly which guarantees at least two huge embarrassing zits-too hot? No worries. It was the least I could do to 'let myself go' as payment for allowing me to tag along and e-mail them constantly with the most idiotic questions. I'm the little retarded girl going to her first sleep away camp- but, I will do everything in my power to NOT wet the bed- I swear!

However, Anissa has scared the shit out of me with this recent downer...

you're going to feel overwhelmed and CRAZY disappointed at the number of
times people look at your name tag and look away cause they have NO IDEA who you are...
Back to reality... no one is going to know who I am- seriously- what a bummer! It's so true! Now I'm having panic attacks about being the girl standing in the corner popping my zits!

I'll Be Hiding in a Corner
I'm thinking The Bloggess has the right idea with the"confidence wig" or hiding in a bathroom stall- whichever!

BUT NO- Screw that! I cannot let this trip be in vain! I deserve it too much. To ensure that it will not, I have decided also...
I'll Be Getting Inked
Mr. Lady and all the cool kids are doing it so why don't you? We can bleed and medicate ourselves together!

On to what to wear... Anissa in all her blogging conference wisdom suggested...

Wear comfy shoes and pack aspirin...lots and lots of aspirin

OK, I can do the aspirin, but...with all due respect and I love you's and I know my feet will be bleeding but FUCK THAT! A girl's gotta have her limits and everyone knows that comfy shoes just ain't cute... so...
I'll Be Wearing Cute Shoes

For the love of Christ, though, if you see me...

Have pity on my crazy ass and come and say "hi" to me, won't you???

Anissa and Brittany have been very patient and have offered up much wisdom- like "bring business cards and RSVP for parties"- who knew? I hope they don't mind being greeted by open mouthed kisses that reek of chocolate and fruity liqueur from this grateful, clueless, mess of a woman! Or maybe just a hug- but not too tight because Britt's boobs might be engorged and I'm considerate like that- and breastmilk stains. But if they are engorged, hopefully her shirt will become tent-like and create a place for me to hide and sneak into the Social Luxe Party (that I didn't RSVP for in time and I've heard will have awesome swag!) while she accepts her award for The Funniest Blog- if you haven't voted for her, yet- get your ass over there now and do it!

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Purely hypothetical

Once upon a time there was a girl that sowed her wild oats- who are we kidding- she was a downright slut. She was in college and, though she may not have been as discretionary as she should have been, that's what needy, approval seeking, sorority girls did in the early 90's. She got it out of her system and by the age of 24, relatively unscathed by venereal diseases and unplanned pregnancies (OK, one unplanned pregnancy), she settled down with one man and never looked back (OK, maybe she looked, but she never touched- inappropriately.)

Fast forward... 1o years or so... the girl meets new friends. Young couples with kids and many things in common. Shared many fun times. Sadly, everyone moved away and went down their separate paths.

Fast Forward again... 4 more years... couples reunite to catch up. Have a nice time, but something unusual transpires. Not necessarily "swinging" since there was no exchange of bodily fluids, but showing off new implants led to nudity and uncomfortable fidgeting and mind racing to find excuses to flee by girl's husband. Since girl was never a prude, she laughed it off and went home with her hyperventilating husband. It was harmless, really, and entertaining, in fact, for the time that girl was there. If life and pregnancy and plastic surgeons had been more kind to her, who knows, she may have ended up exhibitioning for the photos herself. Alas, time has been cruel and girl's National Geographic boobs with elephantitus aereolas did not need to be out for show!

Although the couples had many things in common when they met- being young families- there was one very different thing- girl's new friends were all married to their high school sweethearts. The men that they met when they were 13-15 was the only man they had ever been with and the ones that they vowed to be with for the REST OF THEIR LIFE! They never experienced another man's touch, heartbreak of being single and finding a nice man to rebound with!

In an ideal world, this sounds very storybook and sweet. But this completely hypothetical scenario, of course, is to show you that the human seeks variety! This story was purely made up and certainly if the girl had photographic evidence sent to her to support her story- that would NEVER get out because girl does not wish to be found out by "new" friends or pervs searching the web for hot mom's with implants.

And yet, the silver lining, the "sign" that girl had been waiting for to push her to go on an upcoming trip, "new" friend's "Adult Pool Party" evite arrived today- on the same weekend girl will be out of town! Avoiding all uncomfortable excuses and made up lies- girl will be going to BlogHer!

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Monday, June 15, 2009

This and That

The pinched nerve/strained neck muscle/spasm pain has subsided. The muscle relaxers were not as magical as I might have wished- so much so- I have stopped taking them and have LEFTOVERS! The doc got my hopes up in the office when he prescribed them- warning me to tell everyone in my house before I was going to take them and that I might become a little loopy- you can imagine my giddiness... unfortunately, I just fell asleep- which I suppose is better than that insomnia crap, but not nearly as fun as loopy! Thanks for your well wishes, but next time- send names of stronger drugs than Cyclobenzaprine.

I saw a very young (and handsome) doctor. Even though I felt old, I found comfort in the fact that even with an extreme poorwhitetrash/ghetto-style teenage knock-up-he could NOT be my child. So I have that going for me! When I start finding kids that could actually be my own, "attractive"- you will definitely need to slap the Mary Kay Letourneau out of me!

I am currently in my house- alone- quite possibly for the first time- ever. My husband is at work and my kids are at Vacation Bible School. I even volunteered my 14 year old son up to teach- because it would be good for him. And I wanted some alone time. And I may have exaggerated slightly on his required "service" hours that allowed him to graduate from Catholic school and I am nothing if not a slave to guilt! I figure it's not as bad as the "Science Camp" punishment I signed him up for last summer!

The quiet in this house is deafening and beautiful! It is raining so hard that my basement quite possibly is flooding. My dog is running amok through the house and just came out of my bathroom chewing on a tampon applicator- from the trash can- used! But I am still enjoying my time.

I'm wondering how exactly I am going to get a fresh stool sample from my dog for his vet visit at 1:00- when I have NO INTENTION of walking outside in this monsoon- though not encouraging my dog to poop in my house, this would be the ONE time that I may not mind it terribly- is that wrong?

I brought my daughter to a friend's house for a sleepover yesterday. I had never met the parents before so I stayed for a while to talk to the mother. She is from Boston and has the funnest dialect! As my son said, "she was chatty." I'd like to say that I was just being polite, but I stayed there for over 2 hours and enjoyed our conversation immensely! She knows my life story- probably too much. She was very welcoming and kind, but it did make me realize- I NEEDED SOME ADULT CONVERSATION for Christ's sake! It has been a long time!

I had used blogging as my outlet and interaction for so long and have gotten out of the habit. Non- bloggers (or people that have a life outside of the home) would probably not understand or may even feel sorry for me or think I am pathetic- which is completely true- however, it worked for me.

I'm still psyching myself out for BlogHer. I need some nudging shoving and encouragement and heavy petting! I'm freaked out... going away for the first time, leaving the kids in my husband's care (that's a relative term), my house, and the dog- I'm seriously breathing heavy and getting shaky just thinking about it! Not to mention, I'm still wondering how my husband is going to react- scared even. He was originally on board, I'm pretty sure out of guilt, but nonetheless, he told me to go and I signed up. I'm about 95% sure he thinks that I have forgotten or "gotten over that phase". I wish I had a real life friend to go with me- that would make it an easier pill for him to swallow- if I could only GIVE him an actual pill to swallow! I can understand how weird it seems to go and meet up with "cyber friends"- if I wasn't brainwashed myself, I'd think I was a freak (more than normal!) Any real life friends that are reading this- how about a trip to Chicago in late July?

I have told my husband's Aunt and she was very supportive and said that she would come to the house and help with the kids (and my husband's Tena withdrawals)- I'm hoping her offer still stands. But as it gets closer, I'm freaking out even more! Take a deep breath! I've not made travel arrangements yet- I think that is my defense mechanism/avoidance/ back out plan... so here is where you all need to slap me across the face and yell, "snap out of it, woman!" Discuss.

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Saturday, June 6, 2009

One thing leads to another

Do you ever imagine that your head is a teleprompter and all of your thoughts are on a constant loop (hope that's not just me- cuz it sounds a teensy bit paranoid now that I say it)...

Anyway... if I could copy and paste my 8 million thoughts from last night, I think everyone would be worried- like "call in the white coats" worried!

First, I couldn't sleep. Insomnia. Me! I NEVER have insomnia. I love sleep and get it whenever I need it and can sleep anywhere- cars, floors, I even fell asleep at a Whitesnake concert once without drugs- don't judge- it was the 80's back before Tawny Kitaen was a Celebreality whore and she was still hot- and I was tired! Now I sound slightly narcoleptic, but I assure you, I don't sleep when I shouldn't like driving or sex or eating- that would be criminal!

Although I have the OCD, I'm uptight, I like a clean house yada yada yada... I have never had anxiety. I am a logical, thoughtful, reasonable person. I have never really feared anything- just deal with it as it comes. Now, my husband has enough anxiety on his crazy plate to last us a lifetime of meals! Tornadoes, carjackings, kidnappings, childhood cancer, car accidents caused by flaming fireball meteors- if there is a worst case scenario- he has thought of it, pondered it, expected it and let it bring him into a cold sweat on many occasions.

This has been my cross to bear for 13 years. He's not a therapy/medication man- I've beaten that horse- so it has been my responsibility to seek help to figure out how to react to him and not complicate it. My reaction, or lack thereof, has improved his condition throughout the years greatly. Not enabling him to get worse or use comfort as a crutch. I made an effort when the kids became school age. I didn't want them to be the weird kids held back from activities because of their nervous Nelly dad! It was hard, but I think it has paid off for a life of relative normalcy for my kids- considering we're such a mess!

I neglected something along the way, though. Me. I wanted so badly to make sure my kids had a life and would not be omitted that I fought his anxiety and overcame it quite well for them, but, I, now, have no life. Who knew this anxiety was contagious? I am now fearful of his reactions to me having a life and in turn- now have paralyzing anxiety and insomnia, to boot!

As I sat wide awake with my racing thoughts at 4am, staring at the ceiling, I felt a a shooting pain down my neck. FUCK! A pinched nerve! I've had these before and they are a mutha! I don't know how it happened or how to take care of it. I called the Dr. and can't be seen for 2 weeks. However, the only comfortable place? Sitting upright at my computer chair! Lucky for you and the psychological case studies that may be beginning - I may just be back to blogging because I can't really do much of anything else!

I also won't have to go to the "Mom's Football Camp" at my son's school today- since I'm immobile- and here, I was worried about my incontinence when I'd take a hit- problem solved. Now, if I could get my hands on some muscle relaxers I could get back to my anxious insomnia!

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