Saturday, November 1, 2008

very wrong

My new obsession with blogging from the hospital is wrong on so many levels. How do I count the ways?

I'm bored in the hospital room- it's cold as hell and I'm over watching The Cops Marathon- so I go down the hall for "a breath of fresh air".

The highlight of my night last night was walking through the hospital hallway so he could stretch his legs while I was pulling my husband's IV thingy- who says chivalry's dead? It was practically like holding hands! I'm over it- so I go out "for a walk."

He kept farting- it was pretty funny. He also insisted that he was all better after his flatulence laps and could go home- WRONG ANSWER JACK ASS! You are getting this fixed. I'll be damned if I lose anymore beauty sleep from your stomach aches!

I am sick of reassuring my husband that he doesn't have cancer- that's not that I'm being mean- he REALLY doesn't have cancer!
Don't get me wrong- if he did, that would be awful, but he doesn't. He just has a very anxious over-active Munchhausen imagination and pancreatitus and he may have to have his gallbladder removed- as much as that sucks- IT IS NOT CANCER, CRAZY MAN!

The room closest to my beloved hospital computer has a man that has one of those Larynx boxes that makes him sound like a robot and though I'm sad for him- he talks an awful lot and it's freaking me out! Shouldn't he just be resting?

When my husband's nurses pass me when I'm sitting at this computer, I'm afraid the jig is up up and they're going to turn me in.

When other people pass me and I am typing like it's nobody's business, in my mind's eye, I am making up an elaborate story that I work for a very popular publication and have a deadline that must be met. My laptop got lost on the plane.

I brought an egg mcmuffin in for breakfast. My husband is on a an IV and just got a cup of chicken broth to start his "all liquid diet"- was that incompassionate? Don't answer that.

Last night, I went home to "get a good night's sleep" and like a drug addict- next thing I noticed I was TWITTERING! Good God- what have I become?

In all seriousness, he's feeling better and thanks for all of your well wishes (for me, not him, well, Ok, him too!). He REALLY thinks he is good enough to go home. Luckily, I mean, unfortunately, he has to get the gallbladder removed and his current state of euphoria is from the fasting and antibiotic he's been receiving. I just got read the riot act from him for NOT bringing my kids up to see him. Sorry, that was probably inconsiderate of me... I was thinking this was a vacation for me- my bad... so, now I must go retrieve my kids from my sister's house so I don't look like a total ass and I will probably return to do more inappropriate blogging!


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14 comments:

Honeybell said...

Ok, first of all, I'm laughing my ass off at this entire post. Secondly, you would make a perfect nurse. Lastly, I adore how you mentioned twittering like it's heroin. It's no wonder I love you.

amusing moments said...

ok... THAT is funny! ...and I would be doing the same thing!

manic mariah said...

Holy Hell, you are cracking me up! I hope he recovers soon and that you can get home to your computer...

jill jill bo bill said...

Remember he knows how to use a gun. Be nice. I don't want to read about your demise on Yahoo news. When is he schduled for surgery? Hope all goes well and no NG tubes are ever used.

Annie said...

Blog on! Say hi to your gassy ass!

Eudea-Mamia said...

Glad it's all good news, you know, minus the farting part - ew.

Em

amelia bedelia said...

I'm glad there is nothing "serious" wrong with your hubby! I'm cracking up that you are getting a vacation at the hospital!!

Sabrae said...

You just crack me up! I think you are my long lost sister or something becuz I would be the EXACT same way!!!! :)

Brooks said...

Crazy! Funny! Keep it coming. I am seriously laughing my ass off at your out right honesty! Keep it coming!
Found you via Tena at Punky Monkey and Annie and Cookies

Soxy Deb said...

Hahahaha!! I can see where you would think this was a vacation for you. Egg McMuffins and a nicer computer...you may want to see if they can find something else wrong with him so you can stay a little longer.

Legal Diva said...

I love it! I actually said the other day I wish I had something wrong enough to go to the hospital for a few days but not wrong enough to really hurt or kill me. It would be a nice vacation- meals delivered, peace & quiet...

I'm glad everything is fixable. :)

Deb said...

I think the only inconsiderate thing you did when buying yourself an EggMcMuffin was to not have bought a latte to go with it! Hehe.

Keep sneaking out and blogging - love it!!

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

Tenakim, This is why I love you!! This post is cracking me up!! From his farting to your blog addiction and the fact that you had a story all planned out about being a writer. You are funny!! Enjoy your vacation! :)

because I said so said...

Oh Geez Tena....you poor thing..I mean...your poor husband...

Hope he's doing better. I'm just catching up....

take care of you....oh, and him