Saturday, November 1, 2008

Kinky Plans

Ok, so here it is... I didn't plan on posting today. I was going to plan a big "unveiling" of my Halloween pictures and it was going to be great! I was going to leave you all sitting on the edge of your chairs... with no new posts- waiting for Monday- since I have noticed that not many people read my blogs on Saturdays and Sundays.

So, that still is the plan for the most part and when Monday's post comes (hopefully as planned- but read this post, things may not go as planned). But when it comes it will definitely be worth it! I'll give you a hint- I'm clairvoyant and I was wearing latex- that's all I'm saying! Will you be able to stand the anticipation???

The kink in my plan, however, needs to be preluded by a small explanation about my pussy husband, me being a bitch, and tough love...

For months and months now, he has complained of "indigestion". I think it's even made a post or two. At one point, we wrote it off as lactose intolerance, once we thought he was just a drunk, and once, a glutton! After the first few months, I began thinking that he was either the biggest pussy in the world or there was really an underlining medical problem.

While in Alabama, he had some of his worst attacks yet. Not sleeping at all. Going and soaking at the hot tub at 2, 3 and 4AM. Keeling over the side of the bed at all hours of the night. Trust me, it made for a GREAT vacation!

I guess it's important to know that my husband is scared to death of doctors and is the biggest hypochondriac ever- which is a bit of a contradiction when it comes down to it, really. He's convinced he has cancer, but pretty sure that if he ignores it, it'll just go away- what a dumb ass!!!

So when we returned, I gave him an ultimatum of attending a dr. visit that I had scheduled for him or no nookie ever again! It was a huge blow to my ego when he chose the latter! But Karma is a funny friend of mine, well, kind of, in a sadistic sort of way.

This morning at 5AM, he started throwing up profusely. The devil inside of me smiled, "so you ready to go to the Dr. yet?" I asked with I told you so coming out of my pores. Finally, after 4 hours of vomiting uncontrolably, he decided he had enough and wanted to start getting some again (well, that probably wasn't on his mind, but I like to make everything about me!)

SOOOO, long story, still relatively long, I am typing this on a gorgeous state of the art computer in the new hospital complex behind our house. It's really a huge monitor and a pleasure to type on, but again, this isn't about me and how I want a new computer. This is about my husband getting Catscans and MRI's and being diagnosed with Pancreatitis, Gallstones and an inflamed liver and having been admitted for a minimum of 4 days!

My head is spinning while I'm trying to line up people to take care of my kids and chaeffeur them to the obnoxious amount of activities that they have scheduled- so what am I doing- I'm fucking writing on my blog at the hospita! Where are my scruples, people?

So I feel like shit that my husband is sick, but secretly happy that he will get better finally (and that I was right.) I feel like shit that I am blogging down the hall where I should be providing moral support or a blow job or something. I feel guilty that someone else is going to have to care for my kids for a few days- no- strike that- I'm good with that!

Luckily for me, he is hooked up to an IV and is not mobile because if he knew I was on this computer, he would soooo take out his gun and kill me!

So, I'm going to go pretend to be a doting wife that was just walking around the hospital grounds getting some fresh air and maybe eat some hospital food. Hopefully I will be back soon- not to my home computer, but to this computer (did I mention it's a pleasure?) to check for comments- because I can't be expected to sit in that little room the entire day, right?

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27 comments:

Deb said...

since it IS all about you, i am glad you are enjoying the hospital amenities. you may not feel the same way about the food.

sounds like mr. hubs is going to be fine, thank goodness, and what a CLEAR case of I told you so.

please keep us posted. if you get caught on the comp, just tell him how concerned we are about him and that you need to keep us all updated.

remember he is in good hands and your kids are being looked after, so you need to take care of yourself. don't forget to eat, sleep, and get "lots of fresh air".

we're all thinking about you, for certain!

Eudea-Mamia said...

I was half way into your post, when I saw where it was going - my Dad was just in the hospital to have his gall bladder removed. A simple procedure - took a couple of hours - and he says he feels better than ever.

Sending you and hubby good thoughts. Deb's right, don't forget to take care of yourself too.

Em

(Is it funny or ironic that a post with a blow job reference comes with a word verification of "symen?")

jill jill bo bill said...

Pancreatitis blows. Good thing you are willing, too as well. He will need some extra coddling. In like 2 weeks. He won't feel like it before then. Unless you have been holding out, then, maybe tomorrow. So glad he has been diagnosed and a cure is on it's way. Hang in there and enjoy the computer. Tell them your personal nurse said to take it home as a gift.

Honeybell said...

Man-itis strikes again! Think he'll listen to you next time?

Keep yourself entertained, and I do hope he feels better soon!

Deb said...

Don't you love "I told you so?" Glad he will be getting better!!!

You totally need some R&R by relaxing on the computer. It will make you a better wife and support to him. Besides, he doesn't have his gun at the hospital.

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Well thank God you have internet access at the hospital!

Oh yeah hope hubby feels better soon.

Eudea-Mamia said...

Thanks for Booing me!!!!!! I can't remember if I thanked you - very, very cool.

Em

The Mom said...

TOTAL 'told you so' moment! Hope it's fixable though, you need not be a widow, (being all about You) and you may never post again!

Hugs

Heinous said...

I hope he's feeling well soon. As for the blogging. Well, we understand and we won't tell.

amelia bedelia said...

I hate it that he is so sick, but your are right, be needed to go to the doctor! Enjoy the hospitals computer.....you can post like 10 times a day...don't you need that many breaks! Keep us up to date, and can't wait to see your hawt pics!

Terri said...

I used to work with this piece of eye candy:
http://www.mayoclinic.org/bio/10917845.html
so recognized the symptoms right away. If you want to look at a real cutie pie while your hubby is puking, I suggest going to Mayo. yeah, hubby may have to wait a few months to get in to see him, but it's not about him. If it were, he would have done the hospital drama sooner.

KimandCo said...

Gotta love those "I told you so" moments. It seems they are often being said (shouted) while sitting next to a hospital gurney!

Glad everything is going to be ok.

Annie said...

I'm glad it isn't something more serious! Just serious enough to get lots of "told ya so" retorts for years to come!

Jill said...

Tena!!! I can't believe how ill your husband is...though a good case of "I told you so" will definitely make YOU feel better!

Good luck on the week of hospital visits and crap. What a way to spend your time...

Sending lots of good thoughts and karma your way.

Sabrae said...

I feel the same way you do!!! HAHAHAHA if you are sick and are going to complain go to the DR. or shut up! lol and yes I would probably be wondering the halls for a computer to! :) Hope you hubby gets better

Cheryl said...

Holy crap, Tena.....all kidding aside, I hope he's ok. Pancreatitis is serious shit. And...just tell him that if you get a bigger monitor and new computer that you'll just be able to get your blogging done faster because...well, just because you will. Sort of.

Hope you are ok...because you'll be the one suffering with no one to take care of you.

Jen said...

Ok, I know that this wasn't really meant to be a hilarious post, but for some reason it just totally cracked me up. I could just imagine myself doing the same thing. Poor hubby, though. Hope his recovery is quick. Keep us posted when you can!

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

I had the same problem as your dh...only I was 4 months preggo at the time...and dh stopped at a garage sale on our way home from the hospital...Good luck to him...and to you...enjoy your hospital time freedom blogging...
I'm did my halloween post...but it's not going up till tomorrow...since I am in severe pain with back trouble...I might as well set up a few days worth of blogs...

DJane said...

Right now for some reason I feel extremely guilty for just laughing my ass off on your husband's expense. I will just try to believe I was laughing at your humor and it had nothing to do with your poor hubby. Yes that makes me feel better.

Best wishes to the both of you!

C said...

Oh man, I'm sorry he's so sick! 4 days in the hospital? Jeesh.

I'm glad you are liking the hospital computer. Hospitals can be so depressing, it's good you have something to look forward to!

~Christy

Smart A$$ Mom said...

Esh. All that after a vacay? Yikes!

Rochelle said...

You crack me up. I hope your hubby is up and better soon.

Tiffany said...

I'm so sorry! For you not the hubby. I just had a weekend of taking care of my sick pussy of a hubby.

Well I hope things work out and are easier for YOU. Yea and I hope your hubby gets better too.

Soxy Deb said...

Ooops! At least mine is a hypochondriac with nothing really wrong with him. Wait, is that better??

What do they do for that Tenakim? Will he have surgery or will medicine resolve it??

Hope he gets to feeling better soon, but not too soon that you don't get to play on the 'nice' computer a little more.

HappyHourSue said...

Has he NOT SEEN your new header?????? You obviously are a medical professional. I totally get the "I told you so" feeling.

And since it seems like he's going to be OK, no harm in getting a little blog material out of it. (see my post: "Vasectomy Day")

Seriously - hope he's OK. Poor you! Oh, and him. :)

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

My hubby is the same way with Doctor's and Dentist's. I am glad your Hubby will be on the road to recovery soon. I am really happy you got the "I told ya so" moment, it feels so good being right sometimes :)

Denise said...

I think all men are like that....hypocondriacs that wont go to the doctor. Glad to hear your hubbys condition is treatable. Good luck!