Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Someone's been watching an Everybody Loves Raymond marathon


When a soda explodes in your kitchen, drying up the floor with a napkin is not sufficient. That's not just me, right? Someone please tell my husband, please?

I made the mistake of leaving my house to do some gardening- that's right, I garden my ass off- I'm every woman- suck it! So, I'm outside gardening and apparently, my husband drops a can of soda and it explodes in the kitchen. He dried up the floor with a napkin- so the kids wouldn't slip- wasn't that big of him? Nevermind that my kitchen looked like a meconium filled amniotic sac exploded all over my white cabinets and stainless steel appliances. And the floor! Good God the floor! It felt like there were 800 upside down Post-it notes under my feet!

As I scrubbed the floors with my Cinderella-esque bucket and rag (I don't do mops- they gross me out), I paused to watch my husband watching TV on the sofa with an ice cream cone in one hand and quite possibly a handful of belly button lint in another.


"Marriage is like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond without the laugh track."

-Knocked Up

No truer words have been spoken in a movie, especially in my house.

The episode about the can opener and the one when Ray buys the crappy tissue...the one where his brother moves into an apartment and Ray is jealous.. the one where they realize they are nicer to strangers than to each other, and the one where Ray thinks Debra has PMS because of a mood (and yes, when she gets caught with hair remover on her upper lip)- I really should consider some type of lawsuit against the writers because my husband and I have lived out each of those episodes- way before it was cool. And scripted. And funny.

I think where I first go wrong...my husband isn't a comedian.

Some other adjustments I'd make to the show...I keep a clean house. My mother in law does not live across the street. I'm not a crappy cook and I would NEVER ruin Thanksgiving with fish instead of turkey! More flannel and yoga pants- less twin sets. My husband has a less glamorous job (he is the policeman, not his brother, but his brother, does, indeed, still live with his mom at 41.) There would be waaay more cursing (think HBO) and I blog.

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7 comments:

Trish said...

I said the identical words about my second marriage. Okay, not identical, but I always said it was like I was married to Raymond, but it's not funny. Well, #3 husband is metrosexual. So it's kinda like living with a woman that has a ...no that's not gunna sound right. Any way I don't live with Raymond anymore. Someone was going to get hurt/it wasn't going to be me. LOL

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

I feel like I live that show sometimes myself...usually when my MIL is around.

Paige said...

Hmm.. we are much more Roseanne. At least my growing up family was. I will have to think about what me and BS are now. It is probably not good

Soxy Deb said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way. I dare Mike to bring me home something for PMS. The Effer wouldn't know what hit him.

ANd sorry, but who the hell doesn't CLEAN up from a spill?! And by clean, I mean CLEAN. Not wipe!! WTF!?! Does he not know his wife is OCD to begin with?
YOu poor girl.

Annie said...

I've never seen it! Is that wrong!?!?

Jen said...

I can totally relate about the parallel lives thing. There are so many Raymond episodes that were like watching my own marriage unfold on the tv. It is almost creepy just how much we are like Ray and Deborah. I've also been told that we are like Jon and Kate, but I swear that I'm not as bitchy as Kate. However, my husband is definitely a lot like Jon. Very laidback. Too laidback. It drives me crazy sometimes. Anyway, my favorite Raymond episode of all time is the one with the suitcase on the steps that neither of them would put away. Hilarious!!

Under the Influence said...

Why do men not use a wet cloth to clean up a mess. My hubs will use a paper towel, I then follow after him saying "now get a wet paper towel to clean up the sticky remains."

Try a microfiber mop. When you are done with the pad you toss it in the washer and it's clean again. I also hate mops, but I love that microfiber pad!