Sunday, July 12, 2009

Dear Kathy Griffin- ummm...

Open letter to Kathy Griffin,


Luckily, I have envious bowel control or I would have shit myself when you called me at 2AM on Saturday night! But it would have been a good, pleasantly surprised, totally worth it mess.

I'm the captivating wife of the Police Officer that you ran into and wished he were arresting you (for the publicity). You called me from his broken flip phone that is held together by tape- how embarrassing! I've been meaning to take care of that, but with my glamorous lifestyle of 16 and Pregnant marathons and bribing kids to be quiet so I can finish watching the last season of Arrested Development on DVD, it slipped my mind.


When my husband called me, yelling over the background noise of all the drunkards downtown, "I have someone that wants to talk to you,"- I dreaded hearing a drunk random old friend out having a life! I wiped the just-fell-asleep sweat from underneath my boobs and turned down the rerun of Roseanne and put on my best, "No, I wasn't sleeping" voice- could you tell?

When you said, "Tena, this is Kathy Griffin" and I think I responded, "Get the fuck out"- that was sincere- maybe not fully thought out, but sincere nonetheless. I'm a little rusty from my last brush with greatness in 1993 when I waited for Lenny Kravitz after a show and was able to touch his dreadlocks. I know, it's hard to believe someone with such charisma as me, doesn't get out more- maybe it's the sarcasm and the self-deprecation that holds me back. No, I think I'll blame it on the kids, like my stretch marks.

I was sound asleep and caught off guard, but normally, possibly, there's a slight chance that if I were awake, I may have been able to join you in a witty repartee. Or probably not. Just maybe less stuttering. And waaay less perspiration, hopefully. I assure you my vocabulary goes beyond "umm" and "Oh My God". Usually.

Anyway, I would have said in my dorky, trying-too-hard-I'm-a-huge-fan-voice that I adore your inability to filter, love of celebrity trash talk, and agree with you on everything. I love hearing you on Howard Stern, and, of course your show "My Life on the D-List" is hilarious!

I've been a fan since you were really on the "D- List"('cuz let's face it, you're moving up, bitch!) and have watched all of your shows and specials. I don't get you confused with Vicky Lewis... and since my husband thought of me and orchestrated this phone call and all... I probably shouldn't embarrass him and say that he just asked me last week if you were on News Radio.

Please take no offense to the fact that I was clueless that you were in town. Of course you had a show! Could I have made it more obvious that I don't have a life? That was very sweet of you to have offered me tickets, you know, in hindsight, for pretend, or whatever. For what it's worth, I would have loved it! And next time you're in town, since Tom's hometown is St. Louis, we could totally hang. Or I could just go to a show. In the nosebleeds. Or not- whatever.


The second I got off the phone with you, I tweeted "Kathy fucking Griffin just called me!"...where I was the envy of all the cool mommy bloggers (you know the ones that don't have their panties in a bunch about your " This Emmy is my God now...suck it, Jesus" crack) and your main gays. I then found you on Twitter and am now stalking you, so that'll be fun, my apologies in advance.


Now that I've had time to absorb it all in- what I would have been curious about... Is there still a Facebook position open in Team Griffin? Cause I think I could rock that.

Tiffany has lost some weight, huh? She looks great.

So, what's the real deal with what happened to Jessica?

Can I also say that I already have the Joan Rivers' Roast written on my calendar (because you know my calendar's so booked!).

When my husband got home, he said he would have like to say something witty, too, and mentioned something about your mom and tea bagging- I'm so lucky he doesn't think on his feet, either! That could have been ugly.

So, thank you so much for taking the time out to say hi and chat with me.

Sincerely,

The person you called last night that you probably wish you hadn't.

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20 comments:

Kristina P. said...

OK, I am very, very jealous. I love her. We are going to see her in November.

And I too want to know what the deal is with Jessica. And Tiffany does look great. I wish I were Kathy Griffin.

McMommy said...

Please Kathy Griffin Please.....invite Tena and all her cool mom blogger friends to go see your show together!!!

(Tena, YOU BETTER INVITE ME!!! I swear I'm fun, ok?!)

Annie said...

She cracks me up! How cool is that? remember, we are sort of lost birth twins if she wants to hang ouT!

alanna rose said...

I love this post - and I am jealous, forever. :)

Scope said...

Were Frank and Cody with her?

Did she dish on Regis?

Details!

(I know. I just always twist those two names up in my brain.)

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

wow!! that's awesome!!

SITS Girls said...

So crazy unbelievably cool. My husband never called my with a surprise like that when he was a cop- he did let me listen in while he picked up a hooker once....

Tiffany

Quirkyloon said...

Oh my gawsh! I am forever jealous of you! She was out here in Phoenix area last November and I went and saw her.

She was fantastic.

Yeah, and I too, want to know what happened with Jessica.

Under the Influence said...

What a cool phone call to wake up to. My husband will be jealous!

Terri said...

I used to go to her website all the time ... and she would randomly call her fans. I had my entire conversation written down just in case.

First you give my bff twisted lisa the vibrator, now this. I am in awe of you.

BacktoBarnwell said...

Can we be blog friends again? I mean, it wasn't this post that struck a chord making me realize we need a blog-reunion or something. I mean, you did kind of forget about me too, right? Plus, without all the political tweeting and all, I kind of fell off the blogosphere. Anyway, let's just put our break from each other behind us. Just If K.G. invites you for a ride in her limo or a cocktail or a Big Mac and McFlurry, you will undoubtedly tell her that you have a friend from Barnwell, SC who must come along as well, wont you?

Tiffany said...

Wow look at all the people sucking up to you. I won't though, you BITCH! I'm so jealous!

I love Kathy and die when I watch her. I especially loved when she hit Paula Dean with a switch. LOL

So suck it Tena! :p

Midwest Mommy said...

Oh that is just awesome! Your husband so needed a pic of her talking on his broken taped up phone!

because I said so said...

So jealous! I totally love her....

She is hilarious and I am a long time fan as well. I don't know what I would have said....

Should I make my husband become a police officer now so maybe I could accidentally get to talk to Kathy Griffin?

Julie said...

I am green with envy. I swear I could be her best friend. We're way too much alike....

Firecracker Flo said...

No freakin' way! You shot the bull with Kathy Griffin?! SICK! And yes, I am totally jealous! She says things and does things that I could only dream of. BTW, love your blog. Sounds a lil' twisted... which is right up my alley.

So Not Mom-a-licious said...

She has been my favorite for so fucking long! I don't think I ever laughed so hard as I did when she made her Suck it Jesus speech. Which is the reason I say Suck it all of the time.
I'm not sure I would have even been able to say one thing with her on the phone. And I may have tried to speed my way to wherever she was, while trying to keep her on the phone, just so I could touch her. That is so cool.

Kekibird said...

Visiting from McMommywood. I would have shat myself too. I'm a horribly star-struck cottonmouth wannabe when it comes to famous people. Very cool that you got to talk to her.

Cheryl said...

That's AWESOME!

Jen said...

Kathy Griffin cracks me up so this is one awesome story! I never heard the "suck it, Jesus" speech so I'm off to youtube it now.

I'm having fun catching up on your posts from the past couple of weeks. :)