Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Details- Part 1

Heather greeted my sorry ass at the train station. She saved me from a blind man in a wheelchair that befriended me and told me he was going to surprise his nephew in Albuquerque that didn't know he was coming and had never even met before and made me rummage through his grocery bag luggage to pull out a map so he could show me his stalking route- that wasn't weird- at all!

She then helped me drag my broken wheeled suitcase to the bus stop through construction and had the patience of a saint during my cursing of all things living.

I will forever get misty- eyed when I hear the hum of a breast pump and not be able to look over and see Brittany draining her engorged bazookas with her computer on her lap- bitch can multi-task like no one's business. Sniff.

The room was trashed and not once did I try to clean it up. I'm pretty sure even the Hispanic cleaning staff never set foot in the room for fear of stepping on a dirty needle or catching airborne Hepatitis. The coffee and booze that I set on the table throughout the weekend stayed there the whole time. They were an intelligently safe cleaning team.

The best, messiest, and least modest roommates (Anissa) were understanding as fuck with the 7AM wake up calls from my husband that lead to my number of breakdowns. They totally saved the mocking for behind my back and those- are good friends!

Anissa, Me and Brittany (Heather left early- leaving me with a bed all to myself- yay, but of course, I missed her!)

The People:

The first people I met as I was walking into the lobby were these ladies and HOLY SHIT (of the cool as fuck Canadian Brigade) what kind of way to start off my weekend, right? I'm certain they were clueless who I was and have no recollection of meeting me, but, in my mind, we're totally acquaintances.

I met a lot of people. I remember every single one of them because I'm a dork like that-I have a dissociative mind of a steel trap. I won't list them all because the glamour of restraining orders are wading in my mind and they're a pain in the ass. I seriously enjoyed each and every person I met. I will, however, share the ones that I have pictures of... because blackmail is fun.

There should be a law of equity against someone being so god damn beautiful, leggy, and sincerely a nice person- there has to be a balance in the world- and she is proof that life ain't fair. Lisa's energy and charisma could be bottled up and it would outsell heroine easily! (Yeah, I don't look the least bit uncomfortable being in the same picture as her, do I? Self conscious much? At least she crouched down to my level- she's like 3 feet taller than me- she's a giver that way- just another aspect of her perfection- bitch! I mean that in the most loving way, dear!)
The Parties:

Friday night, we attended The People's Party. It was wrought with anxiety and perspiration in there. I'm pretty sure the room contained 200 people over the Fire Marshall's guidelines.

Jill, Brittany, and Me- couldn't push our asses and knock over more bloggers with our swag bags towards the bar fast enough!

When that party started clearing out- the people that knew the schedule and had their shit together went to the Room 704 party-that I totally forgot about. Besides missing out on the candy bar that makes the best sex you've ever had seem rather mediocre in that swag bag (thanks to my roommates for sharing!)- it was all good.
Because with the room winding down, Jenny, The Bloggess, came out of the bathroom! And we totally groped.
Then we (and by we, I totally mean Lisa) asked Nina from Imagination Movers if she would be willing to sign Jenny's boobs and she was all, "well..." and then her publicist jumped in and was all, " um... Hellz to the no," but politely and professional and blushing. You'd have thought she asked to do a blow job to one of her puppets! When Lisa discovered she was on a children's show with puppets- she was mortified- bless her Christian do-gooder heart. But the look on the publicist's face will live with me in hilarious infamy for the rest of my days!

As if that weren't entertaining enough... Jenny says, "that's Nancy"... then I say, "oh my fucking Christ"... (Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal) we compared and contrast medication bottles and hers put mine to shame with all the fun colors and shapes. She shared her vodka disguised as a water bottle with us since the bar had stopped serving.

You can see the combination of fear and excitement in my eyes- the fear was from that gang sign she was doing with her hand!
The Sessions:
On Saturday morning, there was a "speed dating" exercise where you introduce yourself randomly to someone and then move on after about 60 seconds. The first 10 people I met were travel bloggers, photography bloggers, Christian bloggers, and techies- I shit you not. If you have ever read me- you can imagine my eyes glazing over and the panic that began to set in. Then the next few people that I gave a card to- recognized me- they read me- they had been in my crazy mind and, although, that should have totally freaked me out- I was moons over my hammy about it! They reignited my flame- thank you so much!
On Saturday afternoon, HappyHour Sue graced us with her presence and reaffirmed that the friendships made on the interwebz can become lifelong ones! I love her and I'd share my last Xanax with her, if it came to it!

Credit for most of these pictures goes to Lisa- yet another thing she's good at.

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Maura said...

I was in that room with the most awesomest roommates briefly, and I was totally jealous. Glad I got to meet you, although it was all too brief. And slightly boobaliciously overwhelming. But awesome. :-)

Halftime Lessons said...

OMFG this is the best BlogHer post I have seen so far...

will you please please PLEASE be my roomie next year? my wife will totally understand. totally.

Allison said...


So jealous you got to room with Brittany and Anissa.

The Mom Jen said...

You rubbed breasts with the best! I sat at home clipping my toenails...Blogger FAIL.

Elaine A. said...

It looks like you had a blast girl, and I'm so glad! I'm sorry we only got a moment to talk because I think you are the coolest chick. But I'm happy that I met you and Brittany and ScaryMommy at some point. You girls are awesome. So, you goin' next year? ; )

Anonymous said...

I totally can't believe you got to meet Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal. How much fun was that?!
Great re-cap. Looks like there was a lot to do and tons of great people to meet.

Deb said...

spot on.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Good thing the person in the wheelchair didn't want you to wheel him over to surprise his relative. That would've been something to blog about.

Loved the pictures and the fact that you stayed in rooms with people that you had never met face to face and you actually slept. I think I would've been wondering, "What happens if one of them is really an axe murderer in drag?"

Dr Zibbs said...

Glad you had a great time.

And you look hot in those pics.

Jenn@ The Crazies said...

Without a doubt the best BlogHer review post I have read... so funny and made me wish I was there! New York nex year.. I am in!

♥georgie♥ said...

This was great tena-i felt like i was right there with you!

another bloggy friend jill of all trades(shes an okie blogger) has a pic of you(not with you) but I recognized you in the background...

Jenni Jiggety said...

What a GREAT trip...I loved reading about it and seeing your pictures!

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Holy balls - I just realized that Nina from Imagination Movers is the same girl as from the Goodnight Show.


Oh, and it was tons o'fun meeting you! I hope we can do it again soon.

That sounded totally professionalish.

Annie said...

I have NO clue who Nancy Paralegal is, hence, I cannot go to BlogHer. I'm uncool like that. You looked great and so glad you didn't embarrass yourself so much you can't go next year!

Scary Mommy said...

I loved, loved, loved meeting you. Next time I'm skipping the swag altogether and drinking my weight in free martinis!

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

I am so in love with you and I'm totally stealing that picture of us for my personal collection.

You are a rockstar, chica.

Under the Influence said...

It looks like the "breakdowns" didn't get in the way of you having a great time!

Fran said...

Wow, sounds like a lot of fun! Great Pictures!!!

MsPicketToYou said...

I love these pictures.

They also caused a few flashbacks.

In the best sense.

Jill said...

SO, so glad you had such a great time there!! Great photos and update. :)

motherbumper said...

You got to meet NANCY? Holy fuck I'm jealous. (am I allowed to swear here? because I can't help myself)

Mrs4444 said...

Looks like you had a blast. (Does using that term make me sound ancient? I can't help it; I love it!) Sorry you didn't care to hang out with me at all (only kidding, I hope). Seriously-that place was a zoo!

Complicated Mama said...

I am pretty certain we took a pic together at the day 1 breakfast... ::tear::: haha

maybe that was with my camera? I really need to download that stuff.. Im so freakin lazy its not funny.

Lisa-licious said...

Oh, my sweet Tena, if only you had caved to our "peer pressure" and gone with us to "Boystown", you would have at LEAST 10 more BlogHer posts!

Because of you, I got to meet so many cool bloggers, and that "Paralegal" woman with all the "medication" who gave me her vodka and wanted to take us all back to her suite. YIKES!

I love you, and can't thank you enough for your kind words...PLEASE go next year...I want to hear you sing at Karaoke! Oh, and I love the photo of's in my automatic frame! xoxo