Sunday, July 5, 2009

me being pathetic, again.

I did it. I booked my train ticket for BlogHer. That was the action that I've been putting off because I'm a big pussy and found slight comfort in the fact that I could still back-out. Well, that comfort is gone and I've got to be a big girl, now.

Unlike most moms, I don't have concerns about leaving my kids. I'm not afraid to travel by myself. I'm not worried about taking a train for the first time to a city where I know no one. I'm not even leery of meeting up with hundreds of people that I've never met that I feel inferior to (well, maybe a little on that one) or sharing a room with complete strangers that could very well chop me into tiny pieces and sell me on E-Bay.

The reason I've never gone anywhere is because of my husband's anxiety. It's a battle that, after our second child and a few years of marriage, I chose not to fight. I fought for my kids, but forgot about me needing a life. That was a mistake and I now know it- no lectures. He needs hardcore psychotherapy and he knows it, but he won't do it- no lectures on that front either. I have been a big fat enabler and I'm trying my best to stop.

I have learned that the more I do, the more he'll get used to it and adjust which will eventually make us both healthier and happier- well, that's the plan, anyway.

Back in March, I brought up BlogHer to him. At first, it was attacked and ridiculed and I expected nothing less from someone that thinks the only people online are pornographers and homosexuals. After a few weeks of the silent treatment and some very rough patches, he agreed, to my surprise, that it would be good for me. I booked the ticket immediately.

Here we are 4 months later and just 2 weeks out. I have not spoken a word of it to him since. I won't. I can't. I'm certain that he thought it was a phase, something that I just got over. I can't have his anxiety and what-ifs percolate for the next two weeks. I am anxious about how he will react- period- that's my anxiety. I may spring it on him a couple of days before- or not.

On the morning of July 23, his Aunt(who I adore and has encouraged me to do this and given me the nudges that I needed) will be arriving here as I leave on my little adventure. She will be staying here taking care of the kids and running my house in my absence and I couldn't feel more indebted to her. She knows his patterns because his family had the same issues. She doesn't just judge it as an outsider- she knows it, has seen it and has lived it. I'm so lucky to have someone like her.

This trip is huge for me. I'm hoping this will be all I'm imagining it will be. Meeting new people, creating friendships, laughing, and maybe even a little learning- or not. There is nothing funny about this post, if anything, it's relatively pathetic. Just an explanation of why I'm so pathetic.

I would, however, love to win this contest... It is for a Slim Perfect little black dress and a $250 gift certificate. As I understand it, the dress is made of Spanx-like material or iron or something- whatever it is- it pulls in stuff- and I could use a good stuffer puller inner- especially with all this emotional eating I've been doing!

It would help greatly if you went and harass left a comment here explaining how I could be the perfect model for the stuffer puller inner dress at BlogHer! Or you can tweet:

@muffintopless @tenakim needs to win SlimPerfect LBD or else- jammie pants with holes in the crotch- and no one wants to see that!

If I don't win, I'm going to have to do more sneaking around and hiding those damn Macy's bags around the house and that will just add more stress that I don't need.

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Kristina P. said...

You will have a great time!

And I had major anxiety issues about something happening to my husband. He worked in a dangerous job, and everything was fine until one day, and it totally blindsided me. I totally became unreasonable and crazy.

And I knew it. I went to therapy for 3 months, and it totally helped. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is very effective for anxiety. But I'm also a social worker, so I don't feel like there is any type of stigma and I know the benefits of counseling.

I also realized it wasn't my husband's problem. It was mine and I had to own it.

Annie said...

I'm glad you are going! I'll go try to win you some slut dress now.

Under the Influence said...

You'll have a blast and it sounds like your family is in good hands with the auntie. Your husband can be anxious all on his own without having to worry about taking care of the kids.

HappyHourSue said...

So sucky that your next few weeks have to be stressful instead of excited. Not to be insensitive, because i suffer from MAJOR anxiety attacks myself, but as a sufferer i can tell you: his anxiety will be waiting for you when you get back. By that I mean - don't miss out on a great opportunity. In fact, your going could be a tiny victory for him if he sees "Ok- she went and she's back and I survived." That's how it is for me and planes. Every time I do well, it helps.

Really really can't wait to hang with you!

Susan in the Psych Ward said...

You are going to be fine...... and you're going to have sooooo much fun! Enjoy and savor it all!!!

Ilina said...

So glad you are going to Blogher! Your husband and your kids will benefit seeing him as a primary caregiver. Parenting is a team sport. Can't wait to drink away our stress together1

Anonymous said...

You'll have a great time. And I'm sure you know things will be okay around your house. That really is cool that his Aunt is going to help. I hope that eases his tension.
As for the dress, well I will vote for you, but seriously girl you can work it without the dress!!! You'll love Chicago. The one thing I could never ever do is share a room with someone I don't know, even someone I knew. I seriously am embarrassed about snoring so loud that it sounds like a 747 flying over. Sooooo, if I ever get to go, I will be bunking solo.

Assertagirl said...

Good for you for doing something you need for yourself. I promise you'll have a great time in Chicago and I also promise not to chop you up into little pieces. I might, however, wake you up with my nine nightly trips to the bathroom, though. ;)

Karl said...

I totally get the anxiety about going to BlogHer. This will be my 4th time going and I freak out every year. But once I get there and start meeting and hanging with amazing people, my social phobia kinda melts away for a while.

Glad you're going and I'm looking forward to meeting you. :)

Soxy Deb said...

Can't have you adding more stress now can we? I will tweet for you.

I think your going to have the most amazing time, I'm jealous that I can't be there to meet you and others. This is such a great "exercise" for all of you. Hubby included.
I'm proud of you for sticking to it and (hopefully) doing it.

Tiffany said...

I tweeted that word for word. And I'd be scared to death to go alone. You're my hero!! No really, I would piss my pants.