Sunday, April 13, 2008

Which came first, the chicken or the bitch?

When my husband and I argue, it gets ugly. He can spew an insult like a dagger through the heart! He doesn't stay away from the taboo either- anything is fair game- insecurities, families, past mistakes- oh yeah- he can play dirty! He will admit that his family argued like this. Sadly, this is how they communicated and then they pretend like nothing ever happen and go about their business- no grudges, no flowers, no I'm sorry- nothing!

I remember when we first started having disagreements that got to that level (a few years into our marriage before the true colors started shining, of course!) He used disparaging words that I had never even heard before! It hurt like hell, but laying back, crying and taking it wasn't the way I work.

I was raised in a semi-healthy home. Sure, we had our share of dysfunction with an alcoholic dad blah, blah, blah. My parents divorced when I was 10- any fighting that I was ever around totally ceased. My mom was only 16 when she had me, so she tried her best to raise my sister and I to be strong women and not make the mistakes that she did in her life. As a part of this lesson, I didn't take shit. I would never start fights, but sure as hell wouldn't take blame for something that wasn't true or just be beat down.

This being said, the way I have come to "fight back" with my husband is shameful! I'm certainly not proud of the crap that comes out of my mouth, but I have to say this in my defense: I am a product of my surroundings. I don't think I am this evil in my actions. I think I am this evil in my reactions. He taught me everything I know.


Mrs4444 said...

Your husband has a reason (but not an excuse) for fighting this way. It doesn't have to be this way, but it's work if it's not what he's used to. I wish you didn't have to go through it; years of that will wear you down.

P.S. I, too, come from a dysfunctional family background. My parents never fought (Mom was NOT assertive.) Thankfully, I learned assertiveness anyway (from a friend's mom), but it is hard to practice what you haven't been taught.

Faerie Mom said...

My DH is the total opposite. He never fights with me. He will physically leave the house rather than lose his temper and yell. I think in our entire relationship he has hollered at me twice.

It drives me crazy. i want to get it out in the open and talk about it. He just wants to forget about it. Arggghhh!!

Relationships are such hard work sometimes.