Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Momentary loss of motherhood

First, Let me put this out there: I’m not a perfect mom, never was, never will be- frankly sometimes, I am pretty second-rate.

I never frequented the playgroup scene- I tried. Initially, I must admit, it was so I could get out and socialize. When there, I realized they were too hoytie- toytie for me and I didn’t have the energy to be something I wasn’t just for a little conversation! Sometimes I feel that my last attempt at perfect momdom (so not a word) was when I breastfed my daughter. I did it for 13 months- I was prettty damn proud of myself, but she’s 3 now and I can’t ride that forever! Lately, I’ve been feeling like I need to step up my game.

Here are just a few case studies that are supporting my recent mothering inadequecies:

Said 3 year old is potty trained. Yeah! At first, her accomplishment alone was enough. I was proud of her, but quite honestly, I didn’t care if she peed and pooped in a plastic baggie- as long as I was off of diaper duty, I was thrilled! Three months later, she will still only go on the little portable seat (you know the kind with the cereal bowl underneath) because she is afraid of falling in the big toilet- even with one of those smaller seats. My gag reflex is getting the best of me lately when I have to dump the “cereal bowl” and clean it out! Beggars can’t be choosers, but come on, how long must this fear of falling in the toilet persist?

My 7 year old has allergies. She gets through the days fine. She could get through the night fine, if she would keep her head on a pillow. She likes to sleep laying flat, though- no pillow- which causes all this lovely drainage to ensue in her passages and she coughs up a lung! I went to fluff, fluff, and re-fluff (again, probably not a word) and prop her up a total of 10 times in 2 hours- she would slide down flat as soon as I turned my back. I felt like I was trying to manipulate the dead guy from Weekend at Bernie’s!

Apparently, I was a horrible teenager. My 13 year old son is now giving my mom what she always wanted- paybacks. As if the constant talking back and rolling eyes weren’t enough, yesterday he brought home his mid-quarter report: 2 “D”s and an “F”! A good, patient mother might have tried to find the reason for the plummeting grade report- not me- I cried! I also threatened military school, took everything out of his room except his mattress and a sheet, and e-mailed his baseball coach to tell him that he wouldn’t be able to play this season. Did I over-react? probably. Do I regret it? Not really.

Essentially, I’ve been losing my marbles and my patience all over the place. My compassion is wearing thin. I’m hoping it’s just a phase and for my kids’ sake, I’ll get back to being that mediocre mom I’ve always strived to be. Or maybe I’m just not cut out for this mothering thang, after all!

I’m wondering if there is a point in a stay at home mom’s life where your nurturing instincts just fly out the door. Where, even if just a little, you feel a bit of resentment to your own loss of life? Where it finally dawns on you that not getting paid for all this crap you do, really sucks! If so, I’m at that point.

For me, I’ll call it the “10 year itch”. I have stayed home with my kids for 10 years and, although I wouldn’t take it back for the world and I think that we are all better for it, I am counting down the days until I can feel like a grown up again! Showering on a regular basis, wearing clothes without elastic, having real face to face conversations with other adults- not at the school pick up, and no more slave labor are all things I’m looking forward to. I do plan to see it through, though- so I’m looking at 2 more years until my daughter is in Kindergarten. (At which time the anxiety of getting a job and being a real grown up again will set in- yeah neurosis!)

My husband’s dad died early this morning and, as I’m writing this, my kids came home from school with sweet notes to put in his coffin: Grampa miki I will miss you. I am glad you are with Jesus. Sharing with me that they didn’t have “intentions” today, but they told all of their friends to pray for him! Um, forget everything I just wrote, I guess I’m doing OK!


The Mom said...

I'm so sorry for your loss!

You and I are both sharing a 10 year anniversary this year as SAHM's!

You are a great mother, don't cut yourself short! ((HUG))

Faerie Mom said...

All moms feel inadequate. I know I do!

Allergies and laying flat.... try elevating the head of her bed. That way she is not laying flat even when she is off of her pillow.