BlogHer Anxieties- Part One- I'm sure there will be a sequel!

For those of you not attending BlogHer, my apologies. For those of you that are jealous of me going and/or sick of me talking about it, understandably, sorry, but suck it up, or you might want to move along because this will be, yet, another...

So, you may know it has been almost 15 YEARS since I have been out of the house without my kids and/or husband (groceries, Great Clips for crappy haircuts and couple hour trips to the mall to use my free Victoria Secret Panties coupons do not count- though even those trips made alone- have been few and far between!) I figured I was due. So I have made the executive decision to go to a blogging conference (and by "conference" I totally mean girl's drunken getaway)- against my rumbling tummy and racing mind's wishes.

At first the excitement was insurmountable- images of me socializing with other bloggers that I have enjoyed for the last year with a fancy umbrella drink surgically attached to my hand, rocking a karaoke microphone with the other- I was giddy. Then I had to deal with the first reality of it... telling my husband (AKA- anxiety boy) that I was going, who would I stay with, how would I get there, what will I wear?

My husband was cool with it- 3 months ago- when he was horny. I'm sure he doesn't remember, but I'm willing to put out the night before I leave just to shut him up- I'm a whore like that.

Then, two amazingly talented heavy hitters in the blog world opened up their room to me- under the stipulation that I not be too hot- duly noted by my diet of ice cream and cookies thus far this summer and the conference date falls on my monthly which guarantees at least two huge embarrassing zits-too hot? No worries. It was the least I could do to 'let myself go' as payment for allowing me to tag along and e-mail them constantly with the most idiotic questions. I'm the little retarded girl going to her first sleep away camp- but, I will do everything in my power to NOT wet the bed- I swear!

However, Anissa has scared the shit out of me with this recent downer...

you're going to feel overwhelmed and CRAZY disappointed at the number of
times people look at your name tag and look away cause they have NO IDEA who you are...

Back to reality... no one is going to know who I am- seriously- what a bummer! It's so true! Now I'm having panic attacks about being the girl standing in the corner popping my zits!


I'm thinking The Bloggess has the right idea with the"confidence wig" or hiding in a bathroom stall- whichever!

BUT NO- Screw that! I cannot let this trip be in vain! I deserve it too much. To ensure that it will not, I have decided also...

Mr. Lady and all the cool kids are doing it so why don't you? We can bleed and medicate ourselves together!

On to what to wear... Anissa in all her blogging conference wisdom suggested...

Wear comfy shoes and pack aspirin...lots and lots of aspirin

OK, I can do the aspirin, but...with all due respect and I love you's and I know my feet will be bleeding but FUCK THAT! A girl's gotta have her limits and everyone knows that comfy shoes just ain't cute... so...


For the love of Christ, though, if you see me...


Have pity on my crazy ass and come and say "hi" to me, won't you???

Anissa and Brittany have been very patient and have offered up much wisdom- like "bring business cards and RSVP for parties"- who knew? I hope they don't mind being greeted by open mouthed kisses that reek of chocolate and fruity liqueur from this grateful, clueless, mess of a woman! Or maybe just a hug- but not too tight because Britt's boobs might be engorged and I'm considerate like that- and breastmilk stains. But if they are engorged, hopefully her shirt will become tent-like and create a place for me to hide and sneak into the Social Luxe Party (that I didn't RSVP for in time and I've heard will have awesome swag!) while she accepts her award for The Funniest Blog- if you haven't voted for her, yet- get your ass over there now and do it!