Do you ever imagine that your head is a teleprompter and all of your thoughts are on a constant loop (hope that's not just me- cuz it sounds a teensy bit paranoid now that I say it)...
Anyway... if I could copy and paste my 8 million thoughts from last night, I think everyone would be worried- like "call in the white coats" worried!
First, I couldn't sleep. Insomnia. Me! I NEVER have insomnia. I love sleep and get it whenever I need it and can sleep anywhere- cars, floors, I even fell asleep at a Whitesnake concert once without drugs- don't judge- it was the 80's back before Tawny Kitaen was a Celebreality whore and she was still hot- and I was tired! Now I sound slightly narcoleptic, but I assure you, I don't sleep when I shouldn't like driving or sex or eating- that would be criminal!
Although I have the OCD, I'm uptight, I like a clean house yada yada yada... I have never had anxiety. I am a logical, thoughtful, reasonable person. I have never really feared anything- just deal with it as it comes. Now, my husband has enough anxiety on his crazy plate to last us a lifetime of meals! Tornadoes, carjackings, kidnappings, childhood cancer, car accidents caused by flaming fireball meteors- if there is a worst case scenario- he has thought of it, pondered it, expected it and let it bring him into a cold sweat on many occasions.
This has been my cross to bear for 13 years. He's not a therapy/medication man- I've beaten that horse- so it has been my responsibility to seek help to figure out how to react to him and not complicate it. My reaction, or lack thereof, has improved his condition throughout the years greatly. Not enabling him to get worse or use comfort as a crutch. I made an effort when the kids became school age. I didn't want them to be the weird kids held back from activities because of their nervous Nelly dad! It was hard, but I think it has paid off for a life of relative normalcy for my kids- considering we're such a mess!
I neglected something along the way, though. Me. I wanted so badly to make sure my kids had a life and would not be omitted that I fought his anxiety and overcame it quite well for them, but, I, now, have no life. Who knew this anxiety was contagious? I am now fearful of his reactions to me having a life and in turn- now have paralyzing anxiety and insomnia, to boot!
As I sat wide awake with my racing thoughts at 4am, staring at the ceiling, I felt a a shooting pain down my neck. FUCK! A pinched nerve! I've had these before and they are a mutha! I don't know how it happened or how to take care of it. I called the Dr. and can't be seen for 2 weeks. However, the only comfortable place? Sitting upright at my computer chair! Lucky for you and the psychological case studies that may be beginning - I may just be back to blogging because I can't really do much of anything else!
I also won't have to go to the "Mom's Football Camp" at my son's school today- since I'm immobile- and here, I was worried about my incontinence when I'd take a hit- problem solved. Now, if I could get my hands on some muscle relaxers I could get back to my anxious insomnia!
SpeedyPrep ~ REVIEW
2 days ago