This fact made school morning rituals less than fun.
My grandma, on the other hand, was a morning person- a chipper, pull open the blinds to reveal the dreadful sunlight, singing hokey Zipadeedooda songs- kind of morning person. Lazy skipped a generation on her.
She was the one that would have the pleasure of waking me each morning for school. And by pleasure, I mean, abuse that by any other standards should have landed me in a juvenile detention center or, at least, a brisk slap across the face. But the woman, God rest her soul on a super duper puffy cloud of a pillow, was a Saint. She would keep a smile on her face and take my demon side in stride and prepare me a hot breakfast.
Which, in hindsight, makes me feel like even more of an asshat.
I'd scream. I'd curse. I'd call her names. I remember throwing a brush once.
In the afternoon, my grandma would pick me up from school and I would eat my words, apologize emphatically, and shower her with hugs for being such a dickhead.
My 10 year old is not a morning person. Funny how that works, huh?
The second her foot hits the floor she screams. I don't know what this is about. This squeal, shrieking whine that wakes up the house with such glee- that's when we know... here it comes.
Sometimes it's her hair.
Sometimes it's a zipper.
Sometimes it's her sister.
Sometimes it's the cereal.
This morning... it was a granola bar.
They get out of school at noon today. So they will not get lunch, but they can have a snack, a "healthy and nutritious snack" per the student handbook. I offered her a bag of grapes or a granola bar. Holy fuck. You'd think I'd just given her Sophie's Choice!
The tears, the torment, the shrilling. Seriously? All this- over a granola bar?
I channeled my grandma and kept my cool. Deep breath.
She channeled Linda Blair and her head spun...
"I want chips!"
Deep breath. "No you can have grapes or granola bar," I said with as much reserve as my body contains.
"I hate you and your granola bars!"
I took the possessed little girl to school and as I said goodbye, the demon left her body as she kissed me goodbye and said sorry.