Monday, August 17, 2009

Exorcism for breakfast, anyone?

I am not a morning person- never have been- probably never will be- my mom still enjoys sleeping until noon- so technically, lazy runs in my family.

This fact made school morning rituals less than fun.

My grandma, on the other hand, was a morning person- a chipper, pull open the blinds to reveal the dreadful sunlight, singing hokey Zipadeedooda songs- kind of morning person. Lazy skipped a generation on her.

She was the one that would have the pleasure of waking me each morning for school. And by pleasure, I mean, abuse that by any other standards should have landed me in a juvenile detention center or, at least, a brisk slap across the face. But the woman, God rest her soul on a super duper puffy cloud of a pillow, was a Saint. She would keep a smile on her face and take my demon side in stride and prepare me a hot breakfast.

Which, in hindsight, makes me feel like even more of an asshat.

I'd scream. I'd curse. I'd call her names. I remember throwing a brush once.

In the afternoon, my grandma would pick me up from school and I would eat my words, apologize emphatically, and shower her with hugs for being such a dickhead.

Paybacks...

My 10 year old is not a morning person. Funny how that works, huh?

The second her foot hits the floor she screams. I don't know what this is about. This squeal, shrieking whine that wakes up the house with such glee- that's when we know... here it comes.

Sometimes it's her hair.

Sometimes it's a zipper.

Sometimes it's her sister.

Sometimes it's the cereal.

This morning... it was a granola bar.

They get out of school at noon today. So they will not get lunch, but they can have a snack, a "healthy and nutritious snack" per the student handbook. I offered her a bag of grapes or a granola bar. Holy fuck. You'd think I'd just given her Sophie's Choice!

The tears, the torment, the shrilling. Seriously? All this- over a granola bar?

I channeled my grandma and kept my cool. Deep breath.

She channeled Linda Blair and her head spun...

"I want chips!"

Deep breath. "No you can have grapes or granola bar," I said with as much reserve as my body contains.

"I hate you and your granola bars!"

I took the possessed little girl to school and as I said goodbye, the demon left her body as she kissed me goodbye and said sorry.

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17 comments:

Christine said...

OMG..you made me laugh! Don't you love that whole 'healthy snack' crap...then you see what the dish up in the caf for lunch!!!!

So Not Mom-a-licious said...

I love you even more now that I know you are not a mornign person either! In my adult life I have apologized many times to my mother for all the years of tantrum throwing when it was time to get up. I'm still trying to train my son on the rules of sleeping. Or should I say the etiquette of not waking up before 8am.

Good job for maintaining control. And it sounds like the payoff was worth it!

Kori said...

Just on my knees thanking to little baby Jebus that none of my kids are like this. Seriously. I would definitly rather have the nighttime demon (which Owen is turning into, by the way) than the morning one. Hands down. We none of us particularly LIKE to get up, mind you....

Halftime Lessons said...

LOL

Karma is a stir-fried BITCH my friend.

hang in there...I have the makings of one too.

Jay

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I have 2 out of 3 children that are like that. Makes for a fun place to live ;O)

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

rolling...seriously. This is my dd to the core...she loves school, hates getting up in the morning. I have in 4 years, NOT found a good way to get through it...Here's to year #5, 4th grade!!

Good luck...and I remember those sweet moments, cause if I didn't, she'd be in foster care!

Paige said...

I still act like that in the mornings. Another good reason I dont have kids

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

At least she apologized! LOL Over a granola bar? Did you tell her that poor starving children would just love to eat her granola bar???

Tiffany said...

I remember screaming at my mom when she would wake me up. And on weekends my dad would vacuum my room just to piss me off and wake me up.

My kid wakes up super fucking early so I have no shot at sleeping late anymore. But that kid does NOT want to eat breakfast. I suppose he'll yell at me as he gets older.

sarah said...

Life should always start at 10am.

Annie said...

Also not a morning person. And now I;m not a morning person with 20 freshmen to teach! :)

Carol J. said...

Aaahh...payback's a bitch! But just remember that you can put the "mommy curse" on her if necessary. "I HOPE YOU HAVE A CHILD JUST. LIKE. YOU!"

Jenni Jiggety said...

I love you AND your granola bars, Tena.

Karen said...

School really needs to start later -- say around 11 a.m.

Terri said...

I got one of those brewing in my household right now too. You handled it splendidly. :o)

motherbumper said...

Yeah, karma came and kicked my ass too with giving me a poor sleeper, fussy eater, AND definitely not a morning person kinda of kid. Karma needs a firm slap across the piehole.

Lisa-licious said...

Other choice for "Sophie"...you can starve?! I don't even give my girls a choice anymore. I pack it up, zip it, and hand it to them as they leave the car at drop-off. No debates...and by the time they discover their "Bark chips", or whatever nutritious, flavorless item I have given them, I am long gone. On my way to Krispy Kreme.