Thanks for your patience

I feel a little pukey. It's anxiety and possibly a touch of the pig shit going around. I've been sick and phlegmy and constipated and altogether sexy with a capital "S" for two weeks now! I'm pretty sure the bug is passing (sadly through my bowels- but on the bright side- relieving the constipation- I'll stop now).

I'm fairly confident that the lump in my throat is due to the anxiety of getting back online and embarrassing myself by sharing such "movement" details. It's been so long since I've done this my passwords have been deleted- which just makes me nervous. The computer doesn't even remember me- will anyone else?

Back when I had actual responsibilities (other than the under-rated duty of keeping 4 kids fed mac 'n cheese counts, alive happy or not, and safe even if from my own hands)- I remember this feeling- after a weekend off or, god forbid, an actual VACATION- of doubtfulness that I would remember how to do things or do them wrong when I got back.

My palms are actually sweating at the thought of attending BlogHer! I know, I'm a loser and I must get out, but I'm a mess about it! Plus, I don't know that I see myself as a "blogger" anymore.

I'm hoping this little rant will serve as some training wheels and get me comfortable again, but I'm feeling awfully wobbly!

Mother's Day... on a Budget

You may be wondering where I have been or probably not give a crap- whatever. It is still May and free time is a luxury. In the next 2 weeks we have 7 games, 10 practices, Spring band concert, kids' "Spirit Day" and parade (which I need to make costumes for), and my son's 8th grade graduation festivities- shoot me now!

I am in full "Mommy Mode". Mostly because I don't have time to stop and complain about it. I can't believe that I am actually looking forward to school being OUT! That's so not like me. I am a consequential person- I always think of the cause and effect. I never look forward to school being out because I know it will just mean entertaining the kids, feeding them, tending to them, and inevitably breaking up 12 fights per day! This year has been a tough one, though, and I am looking forward to not having to worry about tests, meetings, field trips, and getting cranky kids to school by 7:45AM. I'm sure when I catch my breath (by the first week of June), I will change my tune!

Not wanting to waste all this positive mommy mo-jo- I bring you highlights from my Mother's Day- albeit really late!

What Mother's Day Looks Like in a Recession:

First-
from my husband...

It may seem like, well, nothing. But first you must know that he is NOT technologically inclined. At all. This took him about a half an hour to compose from work- that meant a lot- so much so- that I didn't even MENTION the grammatical errors- big of me- I know! It's also a step in the right direction from last year and previous years where all I got was "you're not MY mother!" Baby steps.

Layne and Beebs got artistic and created my likeness out of clay...

This one's Beebs (4)- I like it, obviously because I seem quite tall and thin and I'm that superficial!
This is Layne's (8)- really a more accurate depiction, shorter and rotund in the middle- my husband thought it was a squirrel!

This is from my 10 yr old. I have no idea where she got the charm. It's sweet and I didn't want to burst her bubble- I just hope she didn't shoplift for me! She is known as being our little poet- watch out Hallmark!

Finally, my 14 yr old son. The one who has been BEGGING to let him spend his money that he has been saving on a new i-Pod Touch. He actually GAVE me his i-Pod. I would have thought it was a lame ploy just to get me to the store- but he actually snuck onto my computer and downloaded all my pictures and my play lists onto it! So if it was a lame ploy- it worked- I drove him to WalMart that afternoon- what a sucker! His card is classic... "I'll try not to mess up anything" ... too bad it's only once a year!

Friday Fragments

It has been a very busy week so an abbreviated Friday Fragments... join in and visit Mrs.4444...

***End of school hysteria has officially begun. My calendar is sooo overloaded- I'm taking it one day at a time otherwise my head would explode.

***Thursday was "May Crowning"- a day Catholics use to honor Mary. At our school, the 2nd grade First Communicants process in their fancy garb and lay flowers at the statue and then the 8th grade Conferments do the same... so that's two kids that had to be dressed up yesterday morning and at school by 7:40- with flowers. That was a tall order... I forgot about the flower until the last minute and had to run through my garden while the dewy grass soaked the bottoms of my dress pants and my heels sunk into the ground and got muddy. The only flower that was suitable was a lilac- which my daughter is horribly allergic to- sorry, dear!

After mass, the 2nd grader's stick around for class pictures- this was my daughter's class- they all looked so cute!

*** Last night was my son's Confirmation- 129 kids- it was a LONG night...2 1/2 hours!

They have to pick a Saint's name as their Confirmation name. I loved going through the program and seeing which names they picked- some of the stand-outs... Mungo, Bibiana, and Peregrine- who knew?

I suggested "Lawrence" for my son because it is a family name. He then had to research St. Lawrence and do a report on him. St. Lawrence was persecuted for helping the poor and put to death in a cauldron over coals- he is the patron Saint of BBQ! I AM SO NOT KIDDING!

*** Stepping onto my pet peeve soapbox... To the people that own farmland surrounding my kid's school...before you spend hundreds of dollars on a campaign and put signs all over the neighborhood- hire me as a proofreader- I'm cheap... Sign reads...

"NO Eminent Domain. Protect "Town's Name" and it's Special Interest"

"It's" is a contraction NOT a possessive. Thank you.

*** Kelly Ripa gets on my last damn nerve! Since she has become a 12 year old boy, though- she really grosses me out!

However, I do enjoy a good Regis and Kelly Mother's Day program! I watched it today at the gym and before I knew it- I had run 7 miles! And I was crying! So there is her redeeming quality, but that picture still grosses me out- I'm pretty sure with some photo shopping- that could very well be my son's body!

*** Happy Mother's Day to all you Muthas out there!

MUST WATCH TV

I have a new love. It's NOT my DVR, although, we WERE brought together BECAUSE of my DVR (which FYI- my DVR is called MOXI and it's through my cable and it records my shows and that's great and fine , but as I understand it, it's not as smart or capable as TIVO, but bygones. However EVERY FLIPPING TIME I press a button on this new system, it has this obnoxious click- and it's loud! I will be willing to do questionable things in exchange for anyone telling me how to get rid of that click!)

My new love is Tuesday night television. The DVR has allowed me to watch 5 straight hours of mostly unadulterated and commercial free TV in a row when I get home from my night of bullshit, I mean practices!

AMERICAN IDOL

As you may know, I am a big American Idol fan- I've always watched it- so that's a given!

I know that Adam is a love him or hate him kind of guy- I hate him- however- from the second I saw him- I insisted I would hate him less if he sprung out some flaming Zeppelin like he did last night- so - there you go- I hate him less. I think he's talented, but should be on a theater stage. Doing jazz hands. Very gay jazz hands. I've grown to love Kris in completely inappropriate ways as he is married and too young for me, but damn! I don't remember him being so cute when this show started! Danny- yeh- he can sing- his wife died- boo hoo- I'm over it- send him home! And finally, Allison- MY FAV- has always been. I get goose bumps and have been made fun of on occasion for shedding tears when she sings!

THE BIGGEST LOSER

Who couldn't like this show?? It's so damned inspiring-I can't tell you how much guilt I've had for eating ice cream during this and swearing to work my ass off in the gym the next day- doesn't always happen, but I have really good intentions and I owe it all to this show! I've also watched this since it started and saw a rerun of the first season recently and it was pretty lame back then- now those fat asses kick ass and take names!

I hate "the game"! I like to see the people change their lives and when a fat person gets sent home because of the game- it REALLY pisses me off! Take Kristen- she was doing so well and I wanted her to stay because she still had a long way to go, but backstabber man boob king, Ron played "the game"! URRG!!! Tara is a machine. There's no two ways around it! Do I like her- no! I must admit I appreciate how many times they have to bleep her Long Island profanity, but she just urks me. But I have to give her her props and if she wins- she totally deserves it! AND Jillian calling her "TAURA" makes me CRAZY! Helen, again, good for you, you're 48 and now you're skinny, but BITCH... you sent your fat daughter home so you could get a tight ass? That's fucked up- how you got this far- I will never know- YOU MAY NOT WIN- I SAY SO! Finally, Mike, I love you and I was amazed at how you became "HAWT" to me in an illegal, cougar prey sort of way after your makeover- who knew that was underneath there? I can't wait to see you all buff and tan for the finale and I'm totally pulling for you, dude!

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK

I know there are a lot of sites that talk about this, so I'll keep it short. I still love Bethenny. I don't think it's a coincidence that Kelly could be a man's name- he's a bitch! I can take or leave Jill, Luann, and Ramona- sometimes they rub me the wrong way, but sometimes I enjoy them! BUT SWEET BABY JESUS- why oh why have I grown to like Simon and Alex this season- please tell me it's not just me??!!

CUPID

Oh man- if you have not caught this show- YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT! It's so cute! I have a goofy perm-a-grin smile the whole time I watch it. Bobby Cannivale is great in it and so fun to watch!

The one where I piss off some people

I have censored myself on this here blog for a while. Sure, I use the occasional four lettered profanities when I deem them necessary, but there is one word that runs through my mind quite often that I have stopped using.

Back in the day when I started this, I explained my love affair with the word "retarded". I get that it's inappropriate and that I'm a bitch, whatever. I used to use it constantly, but a friend that is an Occupational Therapist put me in my place. I am now more discriminatory about my usage. I usually use it to describe myself, dogs and incidents. And sorry, but sometimes- it's just the PERFECT word!

I used it about 6 months ago in a post and was reprimanded by a reader who had a child that was "mentally disabled" (I like this term to describe people with lesser abilities.) I felt like total shit and have not used it in my blog since. However, I have to be honest and admit that I use it in my head daily! I have made an executive decision to reinstate the crazy shit in my head on this blog and use the word again- also that reader was so pissed at me that she never read me again! I swear on chocolate that I am NOT mocking anyone that has a disability!

"Little People" used to be called "midgets". Then, one day, they realized that the word "midget" was just silly as a blanket description of people of short stature, though a thoroughly kick ass adjective. I'm hoping that people start thinking that way about the word "retarded".

I also enjoy "gay" as a descriptive word. And I TOTALLY love gay people- hell, if I wasn't such a fan of hetero- sex- I'd be one!

Anyway...

My daughter is home sick with swine flu- or probably just allergies. The people that are freaking out about this pig shit and buying masks- RETARDED!

We had 3 rain outs this weekend- so I did a lot of lurking on Facebook, but still stand my ground that I will NEVER become one of those people that update their "status" several times a day because that is RETARDED!

People on FB that take "quizzes" to see what kind of designer handbag, character in a tv show or brand of tampon they are- RETARDED!

May 2 was our dog's 1st birthday- this is COMPLETELY RETARDED!

Friday Fragments

Lookey here- two post in two days- we're on a roll, folks! Here are my Friday (weekend) Fragments... join in with your own at Mrs.4444's place!

***I just received this from the school...

Disrespect/insubordination

Description: During All School Mass, a student who read petitions was mocked by Gabe when he pulled back the corners of his eyes to imitate her Asian features. Additionally, Gabe spent a significant amount of time talking during Mass.

He's dead. Just sayin'! I'm open for suggestions on a punishment!

*** Just to add some balance and prove that all of my children aren't evil... this was my daughter last weekend in all her angelic-ness

***I have come to the realization that my new haircut only looks good from the back. That sucks since I can't walk backwards all of the time- I've tried. I came to this conclusion when I saw the pictures of my misfit family taken at the First Communion. I couldn't decided which picture was the lesser of two evils... in one I'm running my mouth and probably barking orders, but at least my humongously inappropriate cleavage was not showing!

***Ironically, the same week that urine has infested my olfactory system (still having a problem with it, by the way)... I found out that yesterday was "Sense of Smell Day"- weird, right?

***My tongue is still numb from the filling I got yesterday- that can't be normal.

***Lunch... Mediterranean Minestrone- YUM!

***This water is yummy-Aqua Fina Flavor Splash- if there is something in it that's slowly killing me- keep it to yourself!

*** I'm "following" Bethenny from Real Housewives of New York City on Twitter. I'm pretty excited about it and I want her to respond to me- so please excuse my tweets if and when I sound desperate- I have a bit of a chic crush on her!

*** My fertile cyber friend Brittany over at Musings of a Barefoot Foodie squeezed, yet another human out of her over-active vag last night. I want to welcome Baby Foodie Gigi Marie to the world!

God wants me to lose weight

It's been one of those days... one that not too much goes right. First, you should know that I've become that woman who blames her weight issues on a self diagnosed thyroid condition (no reason except I'd like to be able to eat again)- it's quite sad and I'm not proud. I've been working out everyday and eating all the right foods, but not losing weight, which totally sucks ass.

Last night, I had a moment of weakness and desperately needed to numb my pain with something sweet. The only thing I had in the house was a package of M&M chocolate chip cookies- shut up- they're for kid's lunches- and don't worry, God punished me. One M&M just wouldn't crunch and seemed unusually hard- so I spit it out to find it wasn't an M&M after all. It was a very large chunk of silver filling from my tooth. JOY! I saved it in a plastic baggie because I'm a masochist like that- I also enjoy popping zits!

I called the dentist's exchange at 7:30AM and went to the gym while I waited for him to get into the office. After I was done at the gym, still no word from the dentist, so I picked up a few things at the grocery store. On the way home from the store, I decided to call again... it was 9:32AM

Receptionist: He didn't receive the message. The only time we can fit you in is 10:00- can you be here by then?

Let's see- I have a car full of groceries and I am 45 minutes away from his office... however, I know that the office is closed on Friday so...

Me: Yes, I can be there by 10!

I go home to drop off a few things and rush out the door only to be alerted of my EMPTY gas tank! I have to stop and get gas, but don't have time to fill it up, so I put in $7.00. I race to the dentist's office and sit in the chair (late) and let the torture begin. The dentist hit a nerve in my tongue with the shot and I felt like I was being electrocuted! I was fine and the tooth was filled- all was good with the world. Except after all that driving, I needed gas again. An hour and a half earlier, gas was $1.84- now, it was $1.99!

Fast forward- 3 hours- go to pick up the kids from school... the Novocaine is just now starting to wear off and my speech impediment is starting to fade. My daughter then informs me that 2 girls in her class were found to have lice today!

My conclusion is that God is trying to get my attention off of wanting to eat- he REALLY wants me to be thin! I get the hint... I've checked my girls' hair and no lice... I have one final request... a bargaining with God, negotiation, prayer- call it what you like...

Dear God,

My kids had lice 3 years ago and I've never lived a worse hell! I spent hundreds of dollars and found way too much information online about how lice nowadays are immune from over the counter medication and are very hard to kill. Not to mention the concept of putting poison all over my kids' heads invokes the scent of "Mother of the Year" awards! I will do WHATEVER you want if my kids don't get lice! Please, please, please?