I Received a Misspelled Award and Couldn't Be Happier!

I wanted to thank you all for bashing your husbands in comments yesterday- all for my sanity, how sweet! Sad thing is, my husband is guilty of every little cutesy pet peeve you guys mentioned! Except for that bitch, Annie, whose biggest problem is that her husband HUGS HER TOO MUCH- call in the divorce attorney and bring me a bucket so I can yak in it, please! (You know I luv ya, Annie- you just make me want to puke.)

And Mark, sweet Mark, who left a comment that his wife "is perfect"! Major points, seriously, dude! For reading, commenting at all, and realizing what he has... you totally deserve some!

My issues are more along the lines of the comments by Soulfully Blonde and Jen at Daily Mish Mash- grumpy and nasty- and not in the good way (I'm hoping it's a midlife crisis) so I want to really thank you for your honesty!

I also received an award this morning:

Thanks so much Because I Said So! So now I must list 6 things that make me happy and pass it on to 6 others.

1.) My daughter scoring a goal last night at her soccer game- Yay!

2.) I think I killed the mole that has been tearing up my lawn!

3.) Twitter during the debates- the drinking games help!

4.) Chocolate (and the thought of being able to eat it again, someday)- The UPS man just delivered my Chocolate fountain- I borrowed one and liked it so much, I bought one! I will not take it out of the box until AFTER vacation, though!

5.) Losing weight- 4LBS and counting- Friday is my 'scale day'.

6.) My bloggy friends!!!

I'm throwing this award out to some of my newer bloggy friends that I wouldn't have met were it not for Twitter. They all deserve this award and here is why... Now I pass this award on to...

Twisted Lisa- She has the same birthday as me and I'm DYING to know why she was invited to be on Dr. Phil!

Back to Barnwell- He's cute and makes us cougars feel young again on Twitter!

Daily Mish Mash- Jen is very cool, I get her and she has a weird obsession with pop culture like I do.

Short Pump Preppy- Her kids call her Twitter friends 'Twats' and I think that is GOLD!

Blessings from Above- She's Barbie doll perfection!

McMommy Chronicles- She freaking made chicken soup for her whiny ass husband that has a cold (and I'm pretty sure she did it with a smile)- she's just too good and could use some of my corruption and bad influence another award!

Marriage sucks

I must think I'm "something"- with my new look, huh? Stupid snob, thinks she doesn't even have to post anymore now that she looks all fancy! Well, that's not actually it. Frankly, with my new look, I was wishing I could jump in and write up the greatest post ever, but I have drafted a couple and they're all pretty shitty.

Damn life is getting in the way of wit, today. My husband is pissing me off. Trying to write a post without incriminating myself in his murder as a male basher has proven to be impossible.

I need a pick me up. I'm usually envious of women that have sweet doting husbands, but today is one of those days when I am jealous of single women! Drop me some comment love and tell me what your significant other does that just urks you.

If you don't comment, I will have to assume that I am the only woman in the world married to a buffoon- that can't be! If you have to - lie! Say his feet sweat, he doesn't know your zip code, phone number, or kid's ages, or he uses coupons in my car as dental floss- just a few ideas.

Whatever you do, do NOT tell me how perfect your significant other is- I can't take it- not today!

Not necessarily funny, but sincere

You are in the right place- don't go anywhere! It's still me. I haven't changed. I just felt like I needed a little pick me up. So I scheduled a consultation with the one of the best doctors and explained I was looking a little tired and was wanting me-only better!

So whaddya think? I freaking love it! It's young and fresh and I feel great! The doctor has been doing a lot of nipping and tucking and I think she does great work! Jen, I'm saving my money for next time, it's a tummy tuck!

Maybe the new place will get the attention of some of the people that I allienated yesterday. Give me and inch, I'll take a mile!

Yesterday I rambled. I said things that were totally honest, but maybe I should have kept in my crazy head, who knows.


The comments didn't start rolling in, and I was pretty sure I "crossed the line" for some folks. Have you ever written a post where you heart beats a little faster when you open up a new comment? Yeah, well that was me- I was scurred!

Anyhow, it made me think of a skit from a show "Kids in the Hall". I couldn't find the video, but here is a link to the text. The first time I saw it, I cracked up! Then again, I think I was 14. In hindsight, maybe it's not that funny, I don't know. The point is, whenever I do something that I regret and kind of think I went too far, I think of this sketch. So, I want to say, I'm sorry I caused all that cancer.

Friday Fragments- BEWARE

I have been waiting for this all damn week! My mind has been so sporadic this week! Now - you must pay...

• Thanks so much for all the nice words of encouragement about my blog identity crisis yesterday. I feel very reassured that there are people out there that want to read my not so much of a mommy blog, rambles and inadequacies in general and don't worry- I will never scrapbook- you have my word!

• I am delighted to hop around blogs this morning and find talk of politics- I LOVE IT! You've finally come to the dark side- welcome! Although there are many differing opinions that don't agree with me (which means they're wrong because I'm always right)- I love an educated informed political banter and I can take anyone that disagrees with me- I've been working out! I KID, sort of, I mean, I could probably take you down and I have been working out, but I probably wouldn't shake you down over your political ignorance opinions.

• I don't want to get political, you know where I stand, but can I just tell you something that has made me want to freaking claw someone's eyes out... Ok , I was a Hillary supporter. My kids knew this- if you haven't noticed- I'm not shy about sharing my political views. My 9 year old daughter has had conversations with her classmates (Catholic school+NUTTY Pro Life parents+ me, relatively liberal =the devil). My daughter mentioned my vote was going for Hillary (and now Obama) and these are actual signs of brainwashing quotes she has come home with from 4Th graders...They start out, my mom and dad said..."Obama is one of those guys that blew up those buildings", "Obama's wife hates Americans" and, my favorite..."Hilary is going to kill all the babies"- WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE??? Be Pro Life- knock yourself out, seriously, I think that's great, but last I checked, NO ONE IS PRO ABORTION! And what's with the death penalty and stem cell researched being lumped into the same category? I've heard there are some people trying to throw "birth control" into that umbrella, as well. How about ugly people being thrown in, too. Since they're ugly, they probably won't be getting laid, thus NOT procreating- the fucking nerve of ugly people!

• On the lighter side, for the 2 of you who stayed, I've lost 4 LBS!!! WOO HOO! I have been running 3 miles a day (which after that rant- I may just have to practice running a little faster to escape the people that hate me!) I also do 30 minutes of weights and strength training - so if they catch me- I can take them.

• I missed the debates last night because I had to go to a meeting for my son's high school. He is in 8Th grade and attends a Catholic school. I don't know if this is common, but in St. Louis, Catholic high school is kind of a big deal (and freaking expensive!) It is a point of contention with me. Recap: we started them at Catholic school because we lived in the city and St. Louis City Public schools are shit unaccredited. When we moved to a community with an outstanding school district, we were sort of afraid of the unknown and stuck with the Catholic education (oh yeah, and we are Catholic). Now that high school is upon us, we have a decision to make: stick with Catholic and go broke or send him to public which I, must admit, concerns us, too. He has been a bit sheltered, if you will, in the "cocoon" that is Catholic school. Though I don't have anything against public schools (frankly, I don't really know much about them as I went to Catholic, too), he's the type of student that needs to be , how do I say... reminded coddled a fire lit under his ass! My impression of public school is that they have AWESOME resources and can be absolutely ideal if you take advantage of what is offered. I don't trust that he would do that. To complicate matters, he really wants to go to a Catholic school. I can't blame him- that's where all of his friends will be going. So I'm looking at schools that are upwards of $10,000 a year and praying for two things: his grades are decent enough that they don't laugh at his application and that they pity our income and become very generous with financial aid!!!
  
  

DISCLAIMER

I just posted, but I didn't like it. So then I compiled this little piece of crap. I don't like it either, but at least I can get it off my chest and start a fresh!

This week has not been a good blogging week for me. I have not been inspired. I have not felt funny. But mostly, I've felt like I have been holding back and censoring myself.

I know I have dropped the "f" bomb and exposed skin, so you may be thinking, she's really bad at censoring herself. I promise, it could have been much worse!

When I was first a stay at home mom- I embraced it. I was Suzy Homemaker. I cooked, I baked, I cleaned, I was barefoot and pregnant and loved it. I did crafts and went to the library every week. Here's the thing though, people grow and change.


I'm a mom. YAWN. Don't get me wrong- it's all great and good and I'm totally glad that I did it and would not change it for the world, but I'm kind of over my life revolving around my kids. My oldest is 13. They have been a great 13 years, but I miss me. For many, there may be a place for both, but I threw all of my mommy eggs in one basket for 13 years and have just become worn out. I lost so much of myself and have been trying desperately to reclaim it!

Blogging has been a venue for the real me to come out and play. I have gotten in touch with my grown up feelings and secured my place in hell by doing so, I'm sure.

I first thought I had to be a "mommy blogger" because I was a mom that blogged- I'm deep, I know! That didn't work out so much for me. That's not what's on my mind anymore. If I got together with friends, I would NOT be talking about my kids. I'm past that stage in my life.


As a result, I have transitioned into a blogger that doesn't really talk about her kids much (bad mom). I kind of like it that way (horrible mom). If something comes up with the kids that I think is blog worthy, I share it, although that might alienate even more! Case in point ,yesterday, Beebs called her brother an"asshole" - he told my husband and my husband held Beebs while she was crying (because she did feel bad and hates it when people snitch on her) and said, "Forget him, he's an asshole!"- wanna know what's worse? My husband and I had a good laugh- We totally suck and are aware of it- well, I am, he can't remember to change his underwear! I'm not good at "Jimmy came home from school today with a fever" kind of crap because it's just not me. Those kind of moms do it so much better and I will leave it to them!

You may be wondering if the malnutrition is getting to me... yes, but it's not that. I have been running into the NUMEROUS mommy bloggers around the blogosphere and Twitter and everything they write about and tweet about is their kids. None of them curse. None of their kids curse- damned do-gooders! For all I know, they home school their kids and wouldn't serve Macaroni and Cheese out of a box as a main dish for dinner- yes, I do that- sue me!


So, I want to put this out there for anyone appalled that might be stopping in for the first time...

DISCLAIMER: I am a reluctant stay at home mom nearing the end of my term. I am a recovering "Suzy Homemaker". I curse. I say what's on my mind. I hope that I say things that other people are thinking, just don't have the guts to say. I hope to make people laugh at or with me. I hope not to offend too many people, but know there have been a few and am quite certain there will be several more.

This week, I have had in my mind that I have to please all the people all the time- although I know I can't do that. I just tried to stay within a perimeter that didn't send them running. In doing so, I have been bored out of my mind with my posts!


So, if you are looking for a dysfunctional view on mothering, being a woman , and life- you may not be disappointed here. If you are still Suzy Homemaker and think that everyone should be, I might just make you want to vomit.

Be My Friend

About a year ago, my sister wanted to me to go to MySpace to see her husband's cousin. She is an actress living in LA and had some interesting pictures that she wanted me to see. I went because I follow directions and I'm TOTALLY nosey!

If you are a voyeuristic freak that gets into trends that you are far too old for- like me- you may know that in order to snoop around MySpace, you have to create a "page" . So, I did. I saw my brother in law's cousin's pictures and had accomplished what I set out to do.

HOWEVER, that can of worms was already opened- I needed more! Now, I didn't know too many people on MySpace since I'm an old fart, but my twenty-something sister had a few friends on there that I became "friends" with. I was able to peek into their lives and pictures and was dumbfounded.

Here is why... I saw kids that were just out of high school and in their twenties using this "social network" - but for what? They still see each other! Haven't they heard of the phone or e-mail? They don't really have "LIVES" that have moved them in different directions, causing them to lose touch with old friends.

I thought what an amazing resource for people like myself that actually have lost contact with old friends! I toyed around on MySpace for a little while, but inevitably ended up realizing that I was just too old, not a pervert, and was sick of declining random friend requests from 18 year old boys- I swear they said they were 18!

Still in the mood to find old faces, I went to the oldie, but goodie- Classmates.com. It is a great way to be nosey, if only someone would fill out any information! I must have gone to school with a bunch of idiots because NO ONE has pictures or profiles- I wonder if they know how to? That's no good-how could I stalk them, be jealous of how great they look, see if they got fat, or see if the guys were going bald?

I did however, find an old boyfriend on Classmates- or he found me- not sure which. We exchanged e-mails and did the obligatory stroll down memory lane via e-mail (which is so less painful than in person.) It was actually not horrible catching up with him and we have since kept in touch and exchanged e-mails and dirty jokes every once in a while.

So, then Facebook enters the picture. I started an account with them because one of my friends had recently had a baby and said if I signed up, I could see current pictures by going there. That was 6 months ago. Six months of forgetting I had that account, not knowing how to use it and having 1 friend- LOSER!!!

In the last 2 days, I have received 6 friend requests from people I went to high school with!!! What has happened? Have people realized, finally, like me, that us old folks are the ones that should have a "social network" and finally set their eyes on Facebook?

I am very confused. I don't know how to use it at all. I don't get "writing on walls" and green seeds (huh?) I have been able to be nosey though and that's awesome!

So the diet for my vacation, is two fold now, because I'll be damned if I'm "that girl" that got all fat and shit!

New funny website and not so good diet

I'm hungry. Let's put that out there. I'm dieting and I'm hungry. Jill Jill Bo Bill told me about this diet. I am game to any ridiculously unhealthy fad diet trend, so I did my research.

Cayenne Pepper, sex, maple syrup. Yeah, I think I just threw up. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels? Thin can't even feel THAT good!

I think this person said it best... And if you're not too freaked out by this and go and read more - FUNNY!

SUCIO! I once tried that Cayenne Pepper, Maple Syrup detox crap and I swear I pooped my kidney out. I probably did! I only lasted two days and it made me hungrier than Paris Hilton's vagina in a room full of dick. My own shit started to look tasty. It's impossible!

The sex part is true apparently. I saw some bitch on Oprah that claimed she lost 23lbs in 6-months from having sex with her husband 8-times a week. SLUT!