Thursday, April 30, 2009

God wants me to lose weight

It's been one of those days... one that not too much goes right. First, you should know that I've become that woman who blames her weight issues on a self diagnosed thyroid condition (no reason except I'd like to be able to eat again)- it's quite sad and I'm not proud. I've been working out everyday and eating all the right foods, but not losing weight, which totally sucks ass.

Last night, I had a moment of weakness and desperately needed to numb my pain with something sweet. The only thing I had in the house was a package of M&M chocolate chip cookies- shut up- they're for kid's lunches- and don't worry, God punished me. One M&M just wouldn't crunch and seemed unusually hard- so I spit it out to find it wasn't an M&M after all. It was a very large chunk of silver filling from my tooth. JOY! I saved it in a plastic baggie because I'm a masochist like that- I also enjoy popping zits!

I called the dentist's exchange at 7:30AM and went to the gym while I waited for him to get into the office. After I was done at the gym, still no word from the dentist, so I picked up a few things at the grocery store. On the way home from the store, I decided to call again... it was 9:32AM

Receptionist: He didn't receive the message. The only time we can fit you in is 10:00- can you be here by then?

Let's see- I have a car full of groceries and I am 45 minutes away from his office... however, I know that the office is closed on Friday so...

Me: Yes, I can be there by 10!

I go home to drop off a few things and rush out the door only to be alerted of my EMPTY gas tank! I have to stop and get gas, but don't have time to fill it up, so I put in $7.00. I race to the dentist's office and sit in the chair (late) and let the torture begin. The dentist hit a nerve in my tongue with the shot and I felt like I was being electrocuted! I was fine and the tooth was filled- all was good with the world. Except after all that driving, I needed gas again. An hour and a half earlier, gas was $1.84- now, it was $1.99!

Fast forward- 3 hours- go to pick up the kids from school... the Novocaine is just now starting to wear off and my speech impediment is starting to fade. My daughter then informs me that 2 girls in her class were found to have lice today!

My conclusion is that God is trying to get my attention off of wanting to eat- he REALLY wants me to be thin! I get the hint... I've checked my girls' hair and no lice... I have one final request... a bargaining with God, negotiation, prayer- call it what you like...

Dear God,

My kids had lice 3 years ago and I've never lived a worse hell! I spent hundreds of dollars and found way too much information online about how lice nowadays are immune from over the counter medication and are very hard to kill. Not to mention the concept of putting poison all over my kids' heads invokes the scent of "Mother of the Year" awards! I will do WHATEVER you want if my kids don't get lice! Please, please, please?

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13 comments:

Susan in the Psych Ward said...

I went all lent with out any sugar (except on my b'day) and I seriously didn't eat much and exercised just about every day... didn't lose any weight. I discussed with the doctor, he thought it may be insulin resistance and did some blood work. Yep, everything's fine. So my conclusion is God wants me fat.... help!!!! Are you back?? I've missed you!

Soxy Deb said...

Whenever I try to bargain with God, something worse happens. No kidding. You want an example you say? Sure! I beg God to please don't let me get laid off again and then comes the IRS letter.
MOFOS!

God has a wicked sense of humor.

Good luck with the lice...

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

That's not a very good tradeoff..no lice vs being fat...I'm not sure that's an even bargain.

I think God wants you to take a break, have a piece of cheesecake and think things through carefully!

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

lol...I'd get the message this time if I were you!!

Jen said...

Sorry you had such a lousy day. I'm totally praying for you on the lice situation. We had it this past summer and it really is a NIGHTMARE!! I will say that I used a home remedy instead of the store bought stuff and it really worked. Hopefully you won't need it but if you do, let me know.

Jill said...

Oh I pray you don't have lice in your house... we just had another scare recently and I flipped out!! I scoured our hair every single day, and I'd swear that my hair started itching and continued for at least 3 days. Thankfully nothing was there!

Hope your mouth feels better!

jill jill bo bill said...

Okay, first, if you were like 350 pounds, I would be sad for you. You are gorgeous. DROP DEAD freakin' GORGEOUS!!! So you aren't exactly the weight you WANT to be. It's okay to not be perfect. Stop making yourself crazy over not looking like Kate Moss. You are real. THAT is why we love you. You aren't a fake.
As for the lice, people with oily hair do not get lice. Don't use shampoo on your kids for at least a month. Just use conditioner and "wash" with that. People go months without using shampoo. The natural oils will keep the hair healthy and shiney and the lice won't be able to stick. Jessica Simpson and the guy on "What not to wear" who does hair only wash once a month. Promise. I love you. And your size 8 ass.

Deb said...

i don't know if i want anywhere near this post. i'd like to support you, but having suffered my own head lice hell, i am convinced it might actually be transmissible thru the internet.

if you want to remain lice-free, too, i suggest you drop the subject pronto and knock on some wood!

Tiffany said...

Wow look at Dr. Jill. I guess my lover Robert Pattinson will NEVER get lice.

Yea when lice goes around at daycare I don't wash my kids hair as often. Although my dad told me "You can't let his hair rot off to avoid lice". Thanks dad.

And I would KILL to look like you. You don't know what you've got girl. You're skinnier than MY skinniest I've EVER been. So shut the fuck up! We love you!!

Mrs4444 said...

This is my new favorite post of yours, Tena; funny, sweet, desperate, cute. I PRAY they do not get lice!!!

dana said...

The day before we left Indiana for Floruba I was flossing and heard something hit the floor. It was a filling of huge proportions. Luckily I got into my dentist, but here I am in Floruba, running my tongue repeatedly over this one rough edge..........well, it FEELS like a saw.

James said...

Hi Tenakim!

God wants everyone to lead a healthy life. He wants people to be happy and free from worry. This can be understood by the presence of so many health experts and fat loss diets.

Candice said...

i JUST found your blog, love it. Freaking lice are my enemy, my son got it and I shaved his head, I freaked the f out! I washed every damn thing that would fit in my washing machine, through away stuffed animals, and treatend to shave my baby daughters head just in case! You are hilarious thank you!~