Friday, April 3, 2009

A Break Up

It's not you- it's me. I've changed. I used to enjoy our time together. The browsing. The window shopping. The pouring of hundreds of dollars into the economy while I swung pretty shopping bags back and forth in unison with my strut. It was freeing and therapeutic and, dare I say, fun.

The equation has changed slightly with the addition of the needy fruit of my loins that have not succumbed to the brainwashing as I had intended. A husband that nears spontaneous combustion in the confines of marble floors, gigantic potted plants, and lighting fixtures shaped as daisies. And a handbag that holds grocery store receipts, wet wipes, used Kleenex and hair bows instead of the beautiful cold hard cash money and limitless credit cards that my younger, more hip, guilt free spending purse may have contained.

Deep fried pretzels and giant warm chocolate chip cookies only work as a distraction for so long!

I gave you another chance yesterday- straight from the gym. I looked lovely. I smelled even better. You didn't judge me, though. Your automatic doors embraced my ripe ass just the same!

The trip wasn't without motive. I was searching for clothing for an 80's party. My love affair with the 80's is over! However, my sister's? Apparently not.

I've decided to go as Nancy Spungen of Sid and Nancy fame- in a sort of rebellion against neon and my youth.

I went into a boutique for women devoid of cellulite and breast tissue. The store reeked of eating disorders and daddy issues. I found a t-shirt and a jean skirt to try on.

The frail, famished salesperson looked like she was about to pounce on me like she could smell the cinnamon bagel on my breath," What size in the skirt," as she held up the size 7 that I could use as a turban!

Me: The largest you have. I have a bad thyroid. And I like carbohydrates.

I tried on a size 15 and it fit! Don't even get me started on that soapbox! At Ann Taylor a few minutes earlier- I was wearing a size 4- not comfortably or buttoned, but wearing nonetheless!!! The t-shirt was an X-large and I looked like an encased sausage- was sausage popular in the 80's? I hope so- because I bought it. If anyone knows where I can score some sweet black tar heroine so I could look all track-marky and emaciated- the tip would be much appreciated!

I then went into a store called Hot Topic to look for anything with spikes, skeletons or razor blades. As soon as I walked in, I'm pretty sure my brain hemorrhaged because my ears began bleeding from the screeching and howling coming from the speakers- fitting for my "fuck you- I have a bad attitude" costume, sure, but at the risk of sounding old- what the hell is with that??? On what planet did someone decide that was music?

So, yeah- mall- that's it- it's over. I can't do it anymore. I can't even pretend.

I think I'm going to stick with Target...I can shove the kids in one of those monstrosity 3- seater shopping carts... open up a bag of jelly beans to keep them quiet- that, God-willing, I will remember to pay for or they will finish before I check out and hide the packaging under a shoe rack... buy my tampons, ketchup, and a shirt that is kind to women with backfat curves, all from a non-pubescent lady with corn-rows that had a 3000 calorie breakfast and will not judge my on the basis of my cinnamon bagel breath!


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30 comments:

Travis Erwin said...

I've hated the mall ever since Orange Julius abandoned my local one.

Ms. Trish said...

LOL. target is the place to be =D

Halftime Lessons said...

Awwww, honey...I feel you...

Im gonna boycott he mall right alongside you.

Shouldnt be too hard.

;-)

Jay

Kim said...

Devoid of cellulite and breast tissue, you got that right. I can't remember the last time I was able to wear anything from that store, if ever. The mall sucks for many reasons. And that music makes me think of the sound that might come out of Satan's ass if he had just eaten Hitler.

I'm sticking to Target and TJ Maxx.

Jen said...

Hot Topic and its emo workers scare me. I had to go in there lately for Twilight stuff but I try to get in and out as fast as possible. Freaky!

Don't even get me started on how diverse the sizes are nowadays. I have absolutely no clue what I am at this point.

Soxy Deb said...

"If anyone knows where I can score some sweet black tar heroine so I could look all track-marky and emaciated- the tip would be much appreciated!"

I would give you the name of my dealer, but then that skirt and tshirt you just bought would no longer fit you. Oh..and it can make you constipated. No one wants that.
We have a Hot Topic here and honey let me tell you, I know I'm old, but there are not enough ADVIL in the world for that.

Kristina P. said...

I definitely stick with places like Target, Banana Republic, and Old Navy. I think they realize that most people are fat, and they don't want to depress people further.

The Daily Blonde said...

I steer clear of stores with odd numbered clothing like 7/9/13/15. It's a blatant reminder that I can't wear clubbing clothes anymore.

You know...Target rocks. I can go in my flip flops and sweats and I look perfectly normal. Even though I'm not.

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

We went into Hot Topic to get something for a costume and it was horrible. I can barley walk by it let alone shot there. I agree with the Daily Blond, odd numbered clothing just doesn't work for me either.

Under the Influence said...

I HATE the mall. Yuck. Don't go unless I absolutely have to.

Jenn@mylifewiththecrazies said...

Ewwww.. cant stand the mall... we have an outside shopping plaza with a Target and Kohls and I am all set w/ that!

Scandalous Housewife said...

Tar-jay rocks my world! Why go anywhere else?

Sticky (not too) said...

Love you, hate the mall...

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I'm not a fan of the mall either. It appears to be made for people that wear size 0....I definitely don't fit in.

Miss Yvonne said...

I haven't been in a mall in over two years. Mainly because the last time I did go in, I wanted to punch all the skinny 16 year old girls in the face.

Yeah, I'm bitter and aging.

Deb said...

take it from someone who's been through it... don't even try to stay just friends. walk away and don't look back!

Twisted Lisa said...

OMG, NEON, do they even MAKE neon clothes anymore or do they cause cancer??

Brittany said...

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"pen up a bag of jelly beans to keep them quiet- that, God-willing, I will remember to pay for or they will finish before I check out and hide the packaging under a shoe rack"

Um...we need to go to target together!

Dr Zibbs said...

I thought you were saying you were going to end your blog.

Tiffany said...

"The store reeked of eating disorders and daddy issues."

Marry me.

You are freaking brilliant.

Annie said...

I just cant break up with the mall.Nordstrom Cafe has the best lunch. Who cares if I need bigger jeans becuase of it? YUM.

jill jill bo bill said...

They call them Mall Rats for a reason. I HATE the mall. And rodents.

That was GREAT!!!

Tiffany said...

Um Tena, Hot Topic is THE Twilight merchandiser of choice. Tell me you saw my man's picture in there. Maybe it's a good thing we don't have one of those around here.

Lori said...

I HATE THE MALL.

* TONYA * said...

Target totally rocks, I say stick with it. The mall is for the teenagers with the too short, too tight clothing who have nowhere else to hang out

♥georgie♥ said...

LMFAO!! Tena you went in to hot topic? I run from that store the kids scare me in there

Lee of MWOB said...

Hell YEAH!! And Hot Topic? Is that the store with the gansta type font? If so, you are brave girl. If I head to the mall, I keep my fat ass in Macy's where you can't find a salesperson for miles around....

:-)

Zookeeper said...

That was hilarious! And so true.

Dorsey said...

I wore a size 4 once, granted it was a skinny jean that I could only pull onto my arms, but it was technically ON me. Ho hum...yes, I'm totally with you on this one, I just want to box those super skinny chicks and force feed them carbs until they are an acceptable size for me to shop around.

Terri said...

I. Love. This. Post.