God wants me to lose weight

It's been one of those days... one that not too much goes right. First, you should know that I've become that woman who blames her weight issues on a self diagnosed thyroid condition (no reason except I'd like to be able to eat again)- it's quite sad and I'm not proud. I've been working out everyday and eating all the right foods, but not losing weight, which totally sucks ass.

Last night, I had a moment of weakness and desperately needed to numb my pain with something sweet. The only thing I had in the house was a package of M&M chocolate chip cookies- shut up- they're for kid's lunches- and don't worry, God punished me. One M&M just wouldn't crunch and seemed unusually hard- so I spit it out to find it wasn't an M&M after all. It was a very large chunk of silver filling from my tooth. JOY! I saved it in a plastic baggie because I'm a masochist like that- I also enjoy popping zits!

I called the dentist's exchange at 7:30AM and went to the gym while I waited for him to get into the office. After I was done at the gym, still no word from the dentist, so I picked up a few things at the grocery store. On the way home from the store, I decided to call again... it was 9:32AM

Receptionist: He didn't receive the message. The only time we can fit you in is 10:00- can you be here by then?

Let's see- I have a car full of groceries and I am 45 minutes away from his office... however, I know that the office is closed on Friday so...

Me: Yes, I can be there by 10!

I go home to drop off a few things and rush out the door only to be alerted of my EMPTY gas tank! I have to stop and get gas, but don't have time to fill it up, so I put in $7.00. I race to the dentist's office and sit in the chair (late) and let the torture begin. The dentist hit a nerve in my tongue with the shot and I felt like I was being electrocuted! I was fine and the tooth was filled- all was good with the world. Except after all that driving, I needed gas again. An hour and a half earlier, gas was $1.84- now, it was $1.99!

Fast forward- 3 hours- go to pick up the kids from school... the Novocaine is just now starting to wear off and my speech impediment is starting to fade. My daughter then informs me that 2 girls in her class were found to have lice today!

My conclusion is that God is trying to get my attention off of wanting to eat- he REALLY wants me to be thin! I get the hint... I've checked my girls' hair and no lice... I have one final request... a bargaining with God, negotiation, prayer- call it what you like...

Dear God,

My kids had lice 3 years ago and I've never lived a worse hell! I spent hundreds of dollars and found way too much information online about how lice nowadays are immune from over the counter medication and are very hard to kill. Not to mention the concept of putting poison all over my kids' heads invokes the scent of "Mother of the Year" awards! I will do WHATEVER you want if my kids don't get lice! Please, please, please?

Pissed

I am a FREAK about smells! If I don't like the way a food smells- I WON'T eat it! Cheese, broccoli, fish, and onions- they all stink- I don't eat them. I have a very sensitive nose and can smell ANYTHING! I am often seen walking through my house with my nose to the ground and on furniture to pinpoint the source of an unpleasant smell. My husband calls me the bloodhound.

Yucky smells make me crazy and I am currently on a wait list for the institution from today's excitement...

My 4 year old didn't make it to the bathroom after a nap (a very heavy nap that was nudged along by Benedryl since she couldn't breathe from allergies)... at least she made it to the bathroom tile before her bladder erupted. However, since I am a bit high strung, a raving lunatic passionate about my house not smelling like urine, my daughter was afraid to tell me about the said accident and took it upon herself to "clean it up". Dragging towels along the bathroom floor and hiding the pee saturated clothing in her toy box! I swear- my gag reflex is churning from just typing this and I'm having some post-traumatic syndrome symptoms! The best part? I didn't "discover" the accident and subsequent "cover-up" until my 8 year old came home from school and stepped into the bathroom and slipped and fell in it!

I have run the dishwasher 3 times- with toys, and am on my third load of laundry. I have ruined 2 pair of shorts with bleach splatter, ordered 3 kids to take showers, given a 4 year old 2 baths, and myself a shower. The water bill should be fun this month!

BUT I am still walking around like a bloodhound! I can still smell it! I permanently smell urine running through my scent canal, I'm 95% sure it's in my mind, but it is driving me mad. Couldn't I just get the swine flu?

Friday Fragments

I'm losing it. I have way too much on my plate now and every minute I remember another appointment, lesson, practice, or bill that I need to tend to- I'm screwed! Here are my fragmented fragments... join in with your own with Mrs. 4444.

***I have had one of the busiest weeks ever! All 4 of my kids are playing some sort of ball this spring/summer- what the fuck was I smoking when I decided this was a good idea- and can I have some more of it right now?? We have practice every night except Mondays and I'm quite certain my head will explode when I have to fit games in too! My husband drives me nuts when he's off, but I am actually counting the days until he's off of nights and here to chauffeur!

*** Getting ready for the Brunch that we are hosting on Sunday for about 40 people and kind of freaking out because that's what I do. Mimosas are waiting in the wings!

***This is the last week of April and I JUST remembered last year at this time one of the parents of an 8th grader at the school came to me and prepared me for my son's eighth grade year (as I was congratulating her daughter on her 8th grade graduation...)"It's so fun and bitter sweet, but, whatever you do- just forget about the whole month of May- it is soooo busy!" So, I guess it's just going to be getting worse.

*** Gave up on the sweet little Utopian "I'm letting my hair grow out for a bob" idea I had in my head and finally got all of my hair cut off- it had made it to my shoulders which is a record for me since children. Why? I have no clue- I look ridiculous with long hair- a realization that I get to when my hair gets about to my shoulders- guess I'm a slow learner. "Franz" of Hans and Franz fame cut it. I kid you not! He was a bulking dude with a thick German accent and Calvin Klein underwear very visible from his waistline- frankly, it was distracting. He was from Prague, had very broken English and gave me the "Victoria Beckham"- that was his quote. I just think I look like a boy, but I'm too tired and stressed to care about it. He punked out the back and slicked it in front- he kept saying "I like it messy in back and flat in front"- I couldn't help thinking it was a very mullet-like concept of 'business in front and party in the back'- and in my head he was muttering "I'm going to pump- you up".

***My husband is pissy because I blame everything on him- not true- I don't blame my contraction- like cramps that vibrate down my legs on him. I don't blame him for the fact that when I went to every store in the mall, I could not find ONE thing that I liked to wear this weekend (but secretly he does sabotage me eating right.)

HOWEVER, when this mother plucking sprinkler (that weighs about 100 lbs) fell on my finger causing enormous pain and the inevitable waiting game of my, now, black and purple thumb nailing falling off, I did blame it on him because the only reason I bought the stupid John Deere midget is because he told me I couldn't get the irrigation system installed- clearly HIS fault!

And after I unloaded groceries today and my trunk was still open and he closed the garage door on my trunk- wedging the two together like some mechanical locking system and I had a nervous breakdown because all my mind could see were the bills from fixing the garage door and the damage to the back of the car - plus the fact that they were totally stuck and I NEED my car and use of my garage and I'm having people over this weekend and I really didn't want to have to tear off my garage door because when doors to attached garages are kept open- that is one of my biggest pet peeves... I totally and completely blamed it on him! The thing that pissed me off the most was he kept his cool about it the whole time... "Don't worry, not a big deal, we'll fix it." This is ONLY because HE did it... had I done this, I would have been a dumb mindless broad who needs to get her head on straight!

***Can I just say that the hole in the crotch of Spanx creeps me out!

*** Weeds are the work of the devil. I worked in my garden yesterday and it's times like these when I miss my small city yard that I used to have. I pulled so many weeds that it feels like I was put through Chinese torture and someone tried to rip off all of my fingernails. I cut back my rose bushes and I resemble a sad little girl craving attention with my goofy haircut and a cutting problem.

***Have you ever been so tired that you feel drunk?

*** My mind is racing so much that I picture thoughts in my head like a Twitter Homepage...

@tenakim- It's sad when I don't notice that the Military channel has been on my TV for 2 hours.

@tenakim- I don't want to make kids' lunches!

@tenakim- DVR has confused me so much that I have forgotten to watch Real Housewives of New York- what is the world coming to?

@tenakim- Since I am not succeeding losing weight- I'm thinking of just gaining tons to go on Biggest Loser.

@tenakim- I'm hoping this Friday Fragments didn't run too long- I have a tendency of doing that- maybe I should stop before I piss people off.

Update

I thought it was a smart idea to "bundle" my phone/internet/cable services. I was wrong. I had the phone hooked up last week and have been without a phone and computer on and off for the last week. Apparently my server is not strong enough to sustain both- they might have thought of that before asking me to sign up- bastards!

So, I'm writing this on borrowed time, as I await a call from a technician to do a costly service call to install a stronger server and hopefully be done before I have to pick kids up from school! JOY!

The computer and phone went down on Saturday- when I was getting ready for my sister's 80's party. I was going as an 80' punk. The technician showed up at my door 5:55pm... much to my children's chagrin, this is how I answered the door...

What you can't tell by this picture is that I have a pink and purple mohawk...

And kick ass Doc Martens...

I thought by answering the door in this garb (and acting totally natural and unapologetic) he would know to not fuck with me and FIX MY STUFF! I was wrong. He was covered in tattoos and had earrings all over his face. He called my bluff. He said there was a loose wire (there wasn't), he said he fixed it (he didn't)- and it went down again on Monday. So much for my plan!

The party was fun and I failed miserably on the picture front- sorry. This is one of my step- sisters, sister, and me... The one I'm standing next to is almost 6 ft tall and a professional sand volleyball player... note to self... never stand next to her in pictures again while NOT wearing heels! I had on so much make-up, it hurt. That's why I chose to drink Lemonade and Blue Raspberry UV- to numb the pain- I was wrong- I became a little tipsy.

My son stayed and watched the girls for the first time (notice my phone hanging out of my pocket- he called me several times.) I told him they could watch a movie and each have some candy or popcorn. My husband left for work at 7 and my son called me right after he left and said "dad said we couldn't eat". Anyone wanna take a stab at why? Because he was afraid they would choke!!! FA-REAK! I told him to just ignore him and call me if anyone started choking. He didn't call again and they were all alive when I got home.

Friday Fragments

Holy Crap! It's been so long since I've done this, I think my cherry has grown back- so please be gentle. Join in with your own fragments at Half-Past Kissin' Time.

***Well, I'm not dead, if you were wondering. I'm really OK- I mean, I really could use a refill on my anti- anxiety meds, but that's beside the point. I won't bore you with details (stress, uninspired, just plain busy trying to figure out how to work my new DVR) why I haven't posted in a long time, I just haven't. I've been wrapping my head around other things and OCD patients don't make good multi-taskers. I really go balls to the wall when I get an idea in my head- currently working on my 20 year class reunion and getting in shape.

***My blogoversary came and went and I didn't realize it- so Happy Blog Birthday to me- 1 year on April 10!

***My sister's long awaited 30th birthday/80's themed party is this weekend. I have been dedicating a large amount of my brain to get ready for this, as well. Ebay, Amazon, thrift stores- I've been all around and am very excited. The costume is pretty fun- God-willing, I will post pics next week. I have learned that there is a fine line between 80's punk and the S&M look- this being a family party- I'm trying my best not to blur that line!

*** I am a Karaoke freak. I have 2 machines. I have a large catalog of songs. I have them at all of my parties and now my sister likes them at her parties. I had lost track of my new CD's and I have spent a lot of time this week updating my library for her party- I have over 500 songs! I have 6 hard copies of my 'catalog'- laminated and bonded- I AM A DORK!

***I don't have a babysitter for my sister's party. LOSER! Everyone I know will be there and my husband's family doesn't really babysit for us. I suggested to my overprotective husband to let my 14 yr old son watch the girls for a couple hours and then asking one of my parents to come over when they leave the party. Yes, my son fights HORRIBLY with my 12 year old daughter, but I am desperate- my husband's response? Didn't you see Changeling? Thanks a fucking lot Angelina Jolie! My husband has no grasp on reality and DID NOT need to know that story!

*** My cousins have found my blog because Ellen Degeneres told them to join Twitter- crazy, right? I have no idea how they found me! If you're reading- hi ladies! I have to say it's freaking me out- they were VERY complimentary and sweet- but, nonetheless, it's like someone peeking into your brain and knowing your secret thoughts, but I put myself out there, so I'm dealing- just promise to keep our agreement NOT to let my sister read it! Especially next week- I plan on posting a birthday tribute for her- full of unflattering and funny photos of her- it's all payback for her getting the skinny gene!

***Next week, my daughter has her First Communion and the next week is my son's Confirmation. I am doing a Brunch at my house on Sunday and will most-likely go overboard, like usual- so I'm having anxiety about that, too.

*** I have to get this off my chest- Facebook- it's a cool networking tool and voyeur site- yada, yada, yada...BUT if you want to tell me something- E-MAIL ME! I don't want everyone to be able to see my conversations- it's just weird!

*** So hopefully, this will serve as me"getting back on the horse", but I do have lots going on- so I'm not making any promises. Thanks to those of you that e-mailed me and checked on me- it meant a lot!

another school vent

Let's just say that you pay nearly $700 a month for your kids to go to school. You don't love the school, but it meets basic learning requirements by the state and you feel kind of stuck since it was your stupid idea to send them there in the first place when you uprooted their life and moved and now you'd have guilt eating away at your festering soul if you made them change schools again.

Instead of selling yummy pizzas and pies or fabulously trashy magazine subscriptions as fundraisers, this school takes the more "practical" approach- socks and trash bags. I am not shitting you- our fundraisers this year were socks and trash bags!
The socks were ankle socks- originally thought to be 'out of uniform'. You're assured by the principal that since they were fundraiser socks- they were allowed. Let's say that your kids receive minor mark dress code violations for these socks!

When you are trying to load up a heavy box of trash bags that you sold, but the woman behind you in the parking lot has parked too close to open your trunk and you have no choice but to inch your car up a little, but inadvertently go in reverse and hit her car instead!

Then let's say that the report cards come home with the kids in the small manilla envelopes - not the large one- the small one!

... with a little warning for you to put a stamp on the envelope so they can be mailed at the end of the year or you will not get the report cards.

Let's just say that last year, out of principle of $1.26 for stamps vs. $6700 in tuition, you did not stamp these envelopes and your kids did not get their grades until 2 weeks before summer break was over when you went to the school and begged for them- they weren't bluffing.

Let's just say that this year, you're trying to not make your kids 'those kids with the loser mom that doesn't stamp the envelopes' and you went out of your way to the post office to buy actual stamps since you don't have them in your possession anymore since-oh, I don't know- EVERYTHING IS DONE ONLINE NOW!

So let's say this morning all of these envelopes are sitting on your desk with a note stating that they need, yet, ANOTHER stamp on them!

Hypothetically speaking, of course, how long does it take before you would stop shaking with anger and feeling like your head will explode?

A Break Up

It's not you- it's me. I've changed. I used to enjoy our time together. The browsing. The window shopping. The pouring of hundreds of dollars into the economy while I swung pretty shopping bags back and forth in unison with my strut. It was freeing and therapeutic and, dare I say, fun.

The equation has changed slightly with the addition of the needy fruit of my loins that have not succumbed to the brainwashing as I had intended. A husband that nears spontaneous combustion in the confines of marble floors, gigantic potted plants, and lighting fixtures shaped as daisies. And a handbag that holds grocery store receipts, wet wipes, used Kleenex and hair bows instead of the beautiful cold hard cash money and limitless credit cards that my younger, more hip, guilt free spending purse may have contained.

Deep fried pretzels and giant warm chocolate chip cookies only work as a distraction for so long!

I gave you another chance yesterday- straight from the gym. I looked lovely. I smelled even better. You didn't judge me, though. Your automatic doors embraced my ripe ass just the same!

The trip wasn't without motive. I was searching for clothing for an 80's party. My love affair with the 80's is over! However, my sister's? Apparently not.

I've decided to go as Nancy Spungen of Sid and Nancy fame- in a sort of rebellion against neon and my youth.

I went into a boutique for women devoid of cellulite and breast tissue. The store reeked of eating disorders and daddy issues. I found a t-shirt and a jean skirt to try on.

The frail, famished salesperson looked like she was about to pounce on me like she could smell the cinnamon bagel on my breath," What size in the skirt," as she held up the size 7 that I could use as a turban!

Me: The largest you have. I have a bad thyroid. And I like carbohydrates.

I tried on a size 15 and it fit! Don't even get me started on that soapbox! At Ann Taylor a few minutes earlier- I was wearing a size 4- not comfortably or buttoned, but wearing nonetheless!!! The t-shirt was an X-large and I looked like an encased sausage- was sausage popular in the 80's? I hope so- because I bought it. If anyone knows where I can score some sweet black tar heroine so I could look all track-marky and emaciated- the tip would be much appreciated!

I then went into a store called Hot Topic to look for anything with spikes, skeletons or razor blades. As soon as I walked in, I'm pretty sure my brain hemorrhaged because my ears began bleeding from the screeching and howling coming from the speakers- fitting for my "fuck you- I have a bad attitude" costume, sure, but at the risk of sounding old- what the hell is with that??? On what planet did someone decide that was music?

So, yeah- mall- that's it- it's over. I can't do it anymore. I can't even pretend.

I think I'm going to stick with Target...I can shove the kids in one of those monstrosity 3- seater shopping carts... open up a bag of jelly beans to keep them quiet- that, God-willing, I will remember to pay for or they will finish before I check out and hide the packaging under a shoe rack... buy my tampons, ketchup, and a shirt that is kind to women with backfat curves, all from a non-pubescent lady with corn-rows that had a 3000 calorie breakfast and will not judge my on the basis of my cinnamon bagel breath!