My Therapy

Tena doesn't live here anymore

2009-10-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

I've Moved!
YOU WILL BE REDIRECTED MOMENTARILY
Please update your bookmarks and links

You looking for me? I've gone into the Witness Relocation Program. Not really... you can find me HERE now. If you subscribe, I might even share my stash. You're dying to know if it's chocolate, Xanax or pot, aren't you?

www.tenastherapy.com

2009-09-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

In high school, I never gave into peer pressure. I was cool with being uncool. It worked for me.

I never drank because I felt I had to- just to fit in. I did drugs in college because, well, I wanted to. I was promiscuous with only the men that I wanted to be promiscuous with. I've always marched to the beat of my own doped up, slutty little drummer- usually in a band with long hair and tattoos... until... yesterday.

Ah, yesterday, times were so much simpler.

I had my modest little website and we were happy. I had ~~hundreds~~ dozens of committed readers and subscribers at my little blog and things were good. Until... yesterday.

Yesterday, I was just minding my own business and being my normally productive self (read: goofing around on the computer with my Aiming Low friends) when the topic of owning your own domain came up. If you're not a blogger, this is, simply owning the domain name- like www.mytherapy, for example. It's way more professional, easier to get to, and known commonly in the blogosphere as "putting on your big girl pants".

What's fun about being professional and wearing big girl pants? I'm not sure.

I considered it for a moment, but then when I discovered that http://www.mytherapy/ was a real therapy site and already taken, I said screw it.

Until the peer pressure started.

"Your blog is not cool unless it's on WordPress."

"You suck if you don't own your own domain and take this hit of acid."

"Everyone's doing it."

Ok, so maybe I just heard those things in my head and they didn't pressure me, but still... I'm impulsive... I ran to the home of the domain names and bought www.tenastherapy.com.

Then, I decided to move to WordPress- which is the equivalent of taking off the blogging training wheels on a bike that I already didn't know how to ride.

What the hell was I thinking?

That is a very good question.

I was trying to keep up with the cool kids. Prove that I could fit in. How wrong I was!

These are big technological moves. I am not tech savvy- like, REALLY not- like, I'm proud that I know how to check e-mail and use a cell phone- not tech savvy. I hadn't the first clue of what I had gotten myself into.

I felt like I was going to puke for the last 18 hours, but with the help of a little Portuguese angel with a gorgeous technical brain and more patience than Taylor Swift, and a few doses of anti-depressants, I am now wearing sexy panties and riding a two wheeler at www.tenastherapy.com!

And... I have 1 subscriber. Yeah, they didn't carry over. So, this is me... starting over. Have pity on me and join me, won't you?

www.tenastherapy.com

Shallow much?

2009-09-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

This week I will be turning 37. That's not old, really, is it? Lie to me. While we're at it, these pants don't make me look fat, do they?

It has been almost 20 years since I graduated high school. Now THAT makes me feel old.

I am planning my reunion and being reminded of old names and faces. Some, I don't remember, at all. I told myself that must have been a mistake- that they couldn't have been in my class- because I would have remembered them! Upon referring to my yearbook and being proven wrong- it's official, I'm getting old and losing my mind.

This morning my fear was reinforced by me removing my eye make-up with toner.

Being faced with a rapid decline in my quality of life and a reunion of people that knew me when I was skinny, had a tight ass, and was academically over-achieving, oh, have times changed! I've decided it's time I get my shit together.

So, I have 11 months to lose the 30(+)lbs that I've put on since high school, decide what I want to be now that I'm grown up and become VERY successful in my chosen path so I can brag about it and be able to afford that much needed tummy tuck, Botox, Restylane, and Juvederm.

My son needs to become the star football player on his team (even though he's not even a starter) and an honor student (that's gonna take ~~a little~~ a LOT of work), my girls need to become accomplished students, musicians, and maybe models or actresses. My husband needs to get in shape so he can be my "trophy husband" who dotes all over me and make those ex-boyfriends kick themselves.

I don't know... am I expecting too much? Don't get all philosophical on me, I'm joking. Mostly.

No one needs to know that I wear elastic waisted pants and my husband's t-shirts, preferably without a bra, while I sit at a computer daily and spew random thoughts and way more information about incontinence, parental mis-steps and mental instability than one person should reveal on a public forum.

That'll be our secret.

I watched it so you didn't have to

2009-09-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

I seriously get sexually aroused at the thought of the Academy Awards every year. It's so exciting- the glamour, the guessing, the parties, the movies. Ironically, I don't get out much... or see movies much until they're out on DVD... which puts me at quite a disadvantage in my Oscar picks. Frankly, I am thoroughly unqualified to write about the Academy Awards.

HOWEVER, the Emmy's, is a different story, entirely. I watch a lot of fricking TV. And for you... I watched the Emmy's in case you didn't have 3 hours to sit on your ass and eat ice cream... you're welcome.

Here is my recap...

First, it was a great show, I didn't nod off once, which is a good sign for an award show. The new format worked well. There were 5 segments- separated by genre- comedy, variety, reality, miniseries/movie, and drama- good idea- I knew I could go refill my glass of wine during the miniseries/movie segment of the show!

I will admit, I was leery about Doogie Howser being chosen as the host. I'm sure I wasn't the only one, which I believe made him try that much harder and it paid off!

Neil was very entertaining (and adorable- yet another cute boy lost to the other side!)... and not in a "I'm trying too hard" kind of way. He was real and honest about jokes that sucked. From his announcing presenters by their most obscure acting credit (like after school specials) to his sidekick color commentator (actor), John Hodgeman, who made up hilarious facts about the winners as they walked up to the stage, it was a FINALLY, an awards show with personality!!!

I won't bore you with any more details... now, the stuff I noticed...

***Tracy Morgan looked pissed off at a joke about Kanye West ("Let's hope that Kanye West likes 30 Rock")- get over it Tracy, that was funny!

***Kristen Chenowith is adorable and they should shrink her down just a little more and make pocket sizes of her- they'd sell like hotcakes. HOWEVER, there should be a rule against nominations from cancelled shows OR cancelling shows that have nominations, just sayin'.

***I don't like that Jon Cryer won. Johnny Drama. It urks me more than words. Kevin Dillon. I don't like Two and a Half Men, I think it's a lame ass comedy that belongs on the CW. Johnny Chase. He was originally offered Matthew Perry's role of Chandler on Friends, he must have something, but I don't see it, all I see is Ducky! Kevin Dillon. I had a favorite, but I won't editorialize.

*** I'm not loving JT's 'nerdy look'
*** I liked Amazing Race and Survivor FOR THE FIRST TWO SEASONS- I'M OVER IT! Why do they keep winning in the reality category???

***Neil's gayness shone through with his overt excitement over the dance segment.

***Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick didn't look destitute to me.

*** Ken Howard, The White Shadow- himself, gave goose bumps when he thanked the woman that gave him a KIDNEY!!! I just got chills again writing it- what a nice story!

*** Patricia Arquette had no business wearing that dress- holy boobs- I hope she got out alive!

***Dear music director, when Patricia Arquette comes out, don't play Toto's Roseanna, that's HER SISTER not her!

*** I'm also over The Daily Show winning.

*** YUM

*** Toni Collette- YEAH!!! You must watch United States of Tara if you don't already. I once wrote a post about it, but true to form, I can't find it, trust me, the show is good.

***BOO! Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad should have won, but YEAH Bryan Cranston- 2 years in a row! You must also start watching Breaking Bad.

***I'm probably going to hell for this one, but I was uncomfortable watching Michael J. Fox.

*** Last year, I had 'watch Mad Men' on my list of things to do, now I really must get around to that.

Walk a mile with someone else's boobs

2009-09-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not an expert in... well... anything. However, I feel like my life experiences have taught me a lot. Jack of all trades- master of none- is really a good way to describe me. I dabble in a little of this and that.

This is my breastfeeding saga.

When my son was born, I was a single mom. 23 years old and freaked out, scared out of my wits. I had never even changed a boy's diaper. I didn't even plan on having kids until my life took this unexpected detour.

I made a conscious decision to not breastfeed him because I knew I would have some hurdles in this solo parenting journey that haunted me and I wasn't up for any more unknowns. I knew I would likely be depending on the help of my family and friends and that being the sole milk machine, might make it more difficult to call on them in times of need.

In the hospital, I got 'the look' from the nurses, that look: you young, ignorant, slut- don't you know breastfeeding is best! I knew, I didn't care, I was lucky I had gotten this far- healthy baby, full term. In hindsight, I was selfish and fresh out of my college rebellion phase and maybe grasping onto it, slightly, minus the sex and drugs.

My son thrived on formula (GASP) and is still healthy and, as a 14 year old, I think he's thankful that I can't pull out stories and pictures of me breastfeeding him when his friends are over.

Enter child #2- planned- thought out- legs up in the air- watching the calendar- taking pregnancy tests constantly- planned. I was determined to do this one right. I wouldn't let those bitches judge me this time. I was in the mothering groove and I was ready to attempt breastfeeding. I took the classes. I read books. I was serious.

Child #2 had other plans. Plans of crying constantly. Plans of screaming until my ears bled. Plans of being lazy and having NO INTEREST of latching on. I went to the lactation consultants with baby in hand and tears in my eyes. Nothing.

I attended a nursing support group that was held in the backroom of a child's second hand store. The store owner and leader of the group was pregnant and had her 2, 3, and 5 year olds undoing her bib overalls at their whim throughout the meeting to get a drink of "milky". As much as I was put off by this, it made me feel like that much more of a failure, because I couldn't get my ONE newborn to latch on! I left there feeling worse.

I went to my pediatrician. I sat in a dark room swaddling a naked baby at my breast while massaging her legs and begging her to latch on while the doctor watched-for-an-hour. AWKWARD. But still nothing. She was 4 weeks old when my doctor finally decided that she was a 'lazy nurser' and I would probably be better off bottle feeding. She won. Her will was stronger than mine.

Child #3 -I could prove that I wasn't a failure. Breastfeeding wouldn't take me down. I was confident. I had done this before (no one needed to know that I failed, miserably.) From the moment she was born she latched on like a champ. It was a completely different experience- it was rewarding, overwhelming, redeeming. I reveled in it. I finally accomplished this hurdle and unspoken judgement that had followed me for so long. She nursed for 11 months and never took a bottle or drank formula.

Child #4 followed suit of #3- as if she left the directions, step by step, in utero. It was too easy. So easy, I never wanted to stop, knowing that she would probably be my last, I wanted to hang on as long as I could. I needed her to need me. I started getting family comments, "isn't she about old enough to be done nursing, yet?" She probably was, I wasn't. I could have kept going for a lot longer. I gave in to social stigmas and acceptability. At 13 months, I weened her. And me.

I've been on both sides. I see why people make the decisions that they make. I don't judge. This is never an easy decision and is rarely a simple road. Women need to stick together and stop with the high and mighty shit- from both sides.

The cherished smell of a baby, a mother's love, the emotional attachment and adoration for that baby is no less or more with breastfeeding. We all want to do what is best for our baby's health, future, and happiness. Every one's circumstances are different and we do the best we can with what we have. Only you know what works best for you and your baby.

Deer might seem pretty, but they mean you're going to have a shitty day

2009-09-14T07:18:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up to 3 deer running through the pasture across from my house as the morning fog was clearing. It was picturesque- you'll have to take my word for it because my camera was in my car.

I decided that was a sign of what should be a lovely and productive day, as I raced upstairs to put on a sport's bra and workout clothes. I never got to the gym- how the time flies.

Next, on to be productive at the grocery store, to pick up a few 'healthy items' for dinner. I walked out with donuts (Wha? They were on sale!?) and pasta (it's easy) in PLASTIC bags because I left my reusable bags in the car!

I thought I'd get ahead on my bills- not paying them- that's funny- no, just getting them ready for when the money tree blooms. I found an insurance bill that was due 2 days ago- FAB!

This day just keeps getting better despite the momma deer and her fucking frolicking fawns!

I really planned to make this day positive and move away from my Negative Nelly route, but alas, it is not time to move on yet. I had the best intentions, hoping for simpler times when my cable went down and I could call the cable company and complain... but now, I have to go check and see how late I am on the bill.

History

2009-09-11T06:15:00.000-07:00

Today is 9/11.

I never liked history. It bored me. It was something I could not relate to since I wasn't alive for any of it. My eyes glazed over as a student taking the required courses.

My husband loves history, can't get enough of it. He has always been able to see how it relates to him. His mom was pregnant with him when JFK was shot. His mom has always told him the stories of where she was and how it felt and in that way- he felt connected. I think that's where his love and appreciation for history began- he could relate to it- he saw how his life was affected by it.

September 11, 2001 was that point in my life, when something so huge happens in your world, that it makes you take a step back and appreciate everything and look at the big picture. A time when you see that things are bigger than you and the bubble you live in. A point when you realize it's not all about me.

Sadly, regretfully, I was 29 when this tragedy brought that revelation to light.

Eight years later, instead of harping on the sadness of that day, I think of the positives that grew from living that experience. I am more conscious of my world and interested in learning what led us to where we are today.

This is my account of what happened from my view on that day (posted last year). The man that was killed was also my son's best friend's uncle.

My son was only 5. His favorite subject in school is History.

I'm now proud of that...

Seven years ago, I had a 10 month old that was going through a bad habit of waking at 4:30AM- screaming for a bottle. I had a routine of going to her room in a zombie state, bottle in hand, and feeding her as I sat in the rocking chair in her room. Not being a morning person, the broken sleep was more than I could stand. I stumbled my way back to my bed and cozied in. My husband would leave for work at 5:30, right as I was getting the baby and myself back to sleep.

My 5 year old was just a few days away from starting Kindergarten. Luckily, I had trained him well enough to pour cereal and turn on cartoons for he and his 2 year old sister as I caught up on my beauty sleep!

I remember the clock read 7:58 (Central time) and the phone rang. I remember cursing my husband in my mind for dare waking me out of my slumber before my babysitter, Dora the Explorer's, time was up. I'm sure my tone of voice was not welcoming to my neighbor, a friend and fellow stay at home mom, who was actually on the other end of the phone.

She asked if I was watching TV. I recall trying to 'play off' the fact that I was sound asleep while my kids fend for themselves. I'm, uh, cleaning, the television is on Nickelodeon, but no, I'm not watching it, why?

She goes on to say that she assumed that I was watching kid's TV, like her, and that I probably had no idea of what was going on. Her husband had just called her and told her to turn on the news- that the World Trade Center had just been hit by an airplane.

Let me say that I was relatively young, very naive, non-political and a horribly ignorant Midwestern. I didn't even know what the World Trade Center was. I turned on the TV and was immediately enthralled in the tragedy. I had no idea what any of it meant, at that point, but I couldn't take my eyes off of it and wanted to learn.

My husband called shortly after my neighbor. He had been in a class for work and was given a 15 minute break and caught the news. I remember two things he said... 1.) The people in this class don't care, they don't get it! 2.) You know this means we're at war, right?

He was horribly disturbed by the fact that his class continued on after a short break- even with the knowledge of what had happened. This was still shortly after the first plane hit. There were still reporters justifying the acts as 'a possible accident'. I didn't know any better, they could have been right, for all I knew. But, my husband, the conspiracy theorist, knew- from that first moment. I dismissed him, at first, as I usually do. Then, I watched the second plane hit as I was living and breathing!

The news commentators slowly began unraveling the dark, ugly truth that we have all come to know today. I sat in front of the television for 48 hours straight- I may have dozed off for a couple hours here and there, but as the facts, personal stories, and gritty emotion poured out of, otherwise monotonous anchors, I couldn't pull myself away.

In my little part of the world, I was relatively unscathed, on a personal basis. However, one of my friends, a neighbor, had a brother that had a business meeting at the World Trade Center that morning. He had flown from Kansas City that morning and she had spoken to him after the first plane hit- all was well. He hadn't arrived at the designation, yet, but hung around and still planned to make his meeting, after all had been cleared.

After the second plane hit, she felt confident that he was out of harm's way. She still made efforts to call him on his cell phone to make sure. A stranger answered his cell phone which was lying on the streets of New York. Some members of her family spent the next week in New York hospitals in the 'search' for the missing and unidentified that we all so eerily remember being pasted up and down the city's scape. Sadly, within days, they learned that he had been hit on the street by a large piece of flying debris from the second plane's entrance and killed.

I remember our neighborhood having a candlelight vigil and my friend breaking down and falling to her knees. I remember all of us rushing to help her up and comfort her, as nearly impossible as that was. I remember the goose bumps, the tears, and the helplessness I felt were overwhelming. I remember the new found feeling of patriotism- the pride I felt with every flag that lined our streets. I remember the anger and the uncertainty of our future as Americans.

I cried a lot and hugged my kids more. This was my "JFK" moment. I would always know "where I was when...".

Life sucks so be nice

2009-09-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to write about Obama. Not because the letter that my kids' school sent home didn't outrage me, but because I'm trying not to go there. Politics is a slippery slope. I am a liberal. Whose kids go to a strict Catholic school. I've been climbing that hill for a while.

I'm not going to write about the puffy allergy eyes that me and my girls have been waking up with. I can't breathe. My nose is running. It's uncomfortable.

I'm not going to write about the huge debt that my family is in and how I wonder if we will ever get out from under this rock. Or the fear that sets in my stomach every time I pay bills or, at least, go through them and decide which ones can wait.

If I harped on all the negativity going on in my life right now, I think it would sink me and it would win- I can't let that happen.

Then, I am reminded of a friend who lost her daughter. And another friend whose daughter fought cancer and will always wonder what looms in the future. And that my step-mom is putting her combative delusional father in a home while her sister is fighting late stages of breast cancer. I feel petty for worrying about my little problems.

I'm not a cutter. I don't have bulimia or anorexia. My parents divorced and I was completely NOT traumatized by it. I was not molested by an uncle. I've never done crack or cocaine, so, no, I'm not an addict. I've had about 23 drinks in the last 12 months and it's safe to say that 20 of those were at BlogHer. My father was an alcoholic, but has been in recovery for the last 20 years and he couldn't be a greater guy! I have been blessed with healthy kids.

When life gets tough, it's important to put things into perspective and sometimes a big cry helps.

We all have a story. We all have shit to deal with. Some shit is worse than others. But you know what, it's all just as hard. Because it's OUR LIFE and we are the ones dealing with it. Life is a struggle and there are constant tests.

We all have our own coping mechanisms. Some internalize and some are drama queens. Some gripe, some are riddled with sadness and some are in agony.

No one should negate each other's pains or struggles as inconsequential or how they choose to endure it. We should be compassionate to the human tribulations that cause discomfort.

Friday Fragments

2009-09-04T06:08:00.000-07:00

Friday Fragments - beware - they are all over the place today... Join in with your own at Mrs. 4444's place.

***I like morning talk radio. It's nice to hear someone talk to me in the morning that's not complaining about Oatmeal Cream Pies or insisting she brushed her teeth when the stalactites (or is it stalagmites?) growing off of her teeth are a good sign that she didn't. Labor day weekend should not start on Friday- my verdict is still out on whether Labor Day should even BE a holiday! All my morning talk radio shows were playing music this morning because of the "holiday weekend"- I don't get it.

***So I don't listen to a lot of current music- lately in the car, it's E.T. on DVD, but this morning's coupe on my morning talk, I had to hear Brittney Spears Radar- which is awful, but I think she could change her image and do a PSA with it and change "On the radar" to "I'm a reader" and start her own literacy program.

*** I LOVE Jason Bateman... like considering the logistics of getting 'rid' of our spouses so we can be together the way nature intends like. Sure, just like everyone, I first crushed on him during his short appearances in Silver Spoons and Little House on the Prairie... and, of course, my love for him only increased throughout The Hogan Family and Arrested Development... BUT I knew I loved him during It's Your Move. I remember his snark making me hot and wanting to lick his freckles... He's out promoting his new movie Extract right now and, I have one question... do you know of another man that gets so much better with age?
***My daughter likes to eat cherry tomatoes- they give her a funky B.O. breath.

***My guilty pleasures this week, aside from donuts and ice cream( 'cause they have a special place in my heart EVERY week) are Jeff Lewis from Bravo's Flipping Out (I love him, too, and think I could actually get along with him) and Kathie Lee Gifford- I don't know what it is (yes, I do, I think she's real and I think she tries to make fun out of some hard situations as a defense mechanism and I really get that!) but I enjoy her. So much so- that I started following her son on Twitter.

*** At carpool drop off, there are student and teachers along the line helping open doors and they must be told to smile and wave as we drive by- I hate this. It's insincere and if I wave back I look like a doofus and if I don't, I look like a bitch- it's a no win situation.

***I enjoyed the show The L Word. My husband thought that this was a sign that I was a lesbian- he's deep like that. I also enjoy Intervention- he told me the other day that he was "worried about me" liking this show so much- implying that he's afraid I have a chemical addiction... that I've apparently been hiding from him... and have been able to function completely under the influence and keep his house, kids and underwear clean and keep up with our very busy schedule while he's been at work... and it's definitely not crack because my appetite has been too good for crack. Why does he think that shows I watch are reflections of my life? I don't MAKE the show- I just watch them! So I asked him: So I guess when you watch the Military Channel that's because you want to go into the military and go to war? And he says: YES! Ok, bad example, then.

***I can't wait until the kids from Glee sing Gold Digger.

***My husband screamed from the living room yesterday- "what is the dog chewing with blood on it?" The bathroom trash can. 7 days out of the month. That's all I'm giving you. Holy Hell- this is hands down more disgusting than him licking his own balls or even Dooce's husband licking her dog's open wound!

Decisions, Decisions

2009-08-31T08:43:00.000-07:00

My youngest starts preschool this year. Next year, I will need to make a decision on Kindergarten. It's not as clear cut as you may think. Or maybe I complicate- yeah that's probably it, but we don't need to point fingers- whatever the reason... it's a hard decision... take a step inside my decision process...

First, you need to know that I have a freshman in high school at public school and a 3rd grader and 5th grader in a very strict Catholic school and I'm not a model Catholic.

If you must question my sanity (and why wouldn't you)... the back story goes a little like this... when my kids started school, we lived in a city with a scary unaccredited public school system and since I was a new mom and liked my kids enough to want them to return home alive, but not quite enough to home school them- Catholic school was the only option. Oh yeah, I'm Catholic, too. We loved that school. It was laid back and the way I remember my Catholic school. The people were like us. It was a community within a community.

Four years ago, when we moved to a community with good public schools, I was an idiot- a sheep who didn't think for herself and shoved my kids into the same school that my sister sent her kids to (said strict Catholic school) even though one of the reasons we left WAS to be in a good public school district and did I mention... I'm an idiot. So, after the first year, it was awful, I hated the school, the judgement of the people, the cliques that I didn't fit into, the smiles on all the mom's faces while I was rolling my eyes- just pissed me off. It's a fine school, academically, but it's not a great place for me, personally.

However, I realize it's not really about me - which is hard for me to admit, but I did and asked the kids what they thought. My 3rd grader is easy- she likes the school OK, but is open to a change if that's what we decide is the best way to go. I love her. My 5th grader was not as diplomatic. Meaning she broke glass with her squeal while flailing and I heard something like..."I know you are doing this to me because you hate me and you want me to clean my room and NEVER let me pick the restaurant and now you are destroying my life by making me change to a new school where the kids are all stupid- why did you even have me?" I love her, too, but she makes me tired and sweaty.

So... sending my son to public school was easy. He hated the school he was at, too, and we left the decision to him and... cha ching- saved $10,000 a year and started my love affair with the bus system!

So, we decided that the girls didn't need to make more transition and we would just keep things consistent for them- plus, I have like $1000 invested in school uniforms.

Next year will be the test.

If I stay with Catholic school, I will have to break the bank-again- and make the decision of half day Kindergarten vs full day- for an extra $1000! Public school is full day- FOR FREE!

It would just seem easier to make the switch next year and put them all at the mercy of tax dollars! I will then have a 6th grader, which in public, would put her at the "middle school", a sophomore at the high school, and Kindergartner and 4th grader at the elementary school. Simple enough, right?

The catch? And the reason I didn't take the plunge this year? Was not from all the broken glass caused by daughter's screaming... it was because the elementary school goes year round. YEAR ROUND! What kind of crap is that? They go 9 weeks and off for 3 weeks- ALL YEAR LONG- NO SUMMER- it's just un-American! Then I also have to deal with the regular schedules at the middle school and high school which differ from each other, but at least, have summers, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

The people that live around here swear by it and think it's great, but if it's so great- why don't they sync all the schools on the same system- they like parent's heads exploding? And can you imagine the what employers of these parents have to deal with?

So yeah, that's what I'm thinking about.

My random thoughts for the day

2009-08-28T06:33:00.000-07:00

*** My son has started high school this year. Public school. It is our first experience with public school. I think I'm in love. First day- he comes home with a t-shirt given to the Freshmen, me: "ugh- who do I write a check out to for that?" No one! FREE! And, um, the bus. Oh. my. god. I don't have to wake up. I don't have to put on shoes. It picks him up directly in front of our house which probably contributes to the childhood obesity issue these days, but WOW- how easy! Why didn't someone tell me about this earlier?!

*** My husband used to bring hardback books into the "library" (the commode for his special time). It disturbed me because, well, it's gross, but more than that, if he had a whole book- he could be in there for like an hour, when really the "chore" at hand only needed a maximum of 18 minutes! Lately, I've noticed a new disturbing trend... finding DVD cases in the bathroom. Now, the bathroom is right off of our bedroom and only feet from the entertainment center in our room, so the first time or two, I gave the benefit of the doubt, that he was putting away a DVD and the urge, if you will, came upon him and he ran to the bathroom- with the case in hand. First Gladiator, next, The Firm, then... Rocky Balboa, I figured it was time to address it. He fessed up. Admitting he didn't have the time to get through a whole book- the synopsis on the back of the DVD made for good shittin' reading. However- these are OUR movies- in OUR DVD collection- that we ALL touch! EWWW! I have two suggestions- Reader's Digest or the back of his Preparation H tube!

***I have looked like a homeless person for the last 2 weeks. I swear, next week, I'm turning a new leaf- going to the gym, putting on clean clothes- that match- sort of, but I get the weekend to prepare myself. Monday is the day though! No excuses.

*** I think I should stop getting my bank statements online because the e-mail is labeled "XXXX Bank Alert" ("alert" is a bit of a strong word for my monthly statement, don't cha think?) It makes my heart drop out of my chest every single time I see it! It's reminiscent of when I use to get snail mail from the bank, but it wasn't a thick envelope so I knew it wasn't a statement- it was just a third of a sheet of paper stating that my account had insufficient funds. It's actually kind of funny that they only put that on a tiny piece of paper, but your statements include an 18 page outline. I guess once you bounce a check , you're not worth the investment of paper anymore.

I envy Oprah's eggs!

2009-08-26T06:34:00.000-07:00

My mom has told me stories about when she was 37, she started going to the doctor complaining about random symptoms of nausea, faintness, irritability, and hot flashes (sound familiar?)

She'd insist to the doctors that she thought maybe she was starting an early stage of menopause, they'd shoot that okay, crazy lady glance her way, assure her that her eggs were still juicy, and shoo her away with some muscle relaxers.

Oh have times changed, right?

Yeah, sure.

Instead, my hush money was in the form of refills of Xanax and Lexapro. Valium is so 1980.

My recent bout with similar symptoms led me to the doctor for a battery of tests.

But I was really sick. I had the textbook case of thyroid disorder, Graves disease, and anemia. Urine specimen and blood work result were in.

Normal.

Note to self: you are officially banned from WebMd.

Now, to most, normal test results should have been accompanied by a sigh of relief.

Not me.

I feared being the crazy hypochondriac lady at the doctor. I feared not having closure on the symptoms I was having. I feared PERI-MENOPAUSE!

My mom's dreaded fate has been passed down to me. I can look forward to 10 years of unexplainable hot flashes and mood swings (although, I refuse to believe that the fact that I cried today when I couldn't find my RENT soundtrack, a mood swing- that's perfectly justifiable!)

Hormones to regulate these feeling are frowned upon because of breast cancer or something -thanks Oprah! 100 bucks- she would have never done that hormone therapy show if she felt like this!

Is there a doctor in the house???

2009-08-22T05:46:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure I'm dying.

Web Md diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia, but that makes no sense- fucking quack!

I have been dizzy. Like pulling the car over to the side of the road and freak the crap out of the kids- dizzy! Like reminiscent of the time I fainted in the front row of the sixth grade choir and the boy behind me thought I just tripped and was "doing me a favor" by helping me forward so I fainted and went straight forward like that "trust" exercise" except no one caught me except the concrete floor and about 300 people gasping as they thought they watched me plunge to my premature death... KAPLAT flat on my face and bit straight through my bottom lip and still have the scar to prove it- dizzy.

I have been nauseous. Like constant fear, feel, and desire to vomit, but never getting the relief except from a measly little burp now and again. Unfortunately, shoving more food down my throat does give a false sense of comfort for about an hour- so I'm eating hourly which has been contributing to this fat suit I've been wearing lately.

I am hot. Not "fever" hot- but breaking out into cold sweats and feeling like I'm going to spontaneously combust hot. Like seeing how far a human can fit into the milk freezer at the grocery store hot (and don't think my kids weren't thoroughly entertained by that experiment!)

And, for your reading enjoyment, constipation is the newest symptom. Yeah!

Today is the 4th day of this hell.

It's highly unlikely that I'm pregnant although, I'm aware, it's text book case of early symptoms. I could get into details, but I won't- HIGHLY UNLIKELY.

The only thing that helps is laying still in a dark, quiet room and not moving, talking, or having ANY stress. And since 4 practices a night has been our routine- that's not been possible, thus my impending death.

We have a weekend full of activities and I'm sooo nervous about how I'll hang in- I wish I could get the shits and throw up profusely!

Since Web Md sucks- I need your diagnosis... and if you don't come through... my plan is to see a doctor on Monday.

BLOG- the new four letter word

2009-08-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

Twelve years ago, I stopped working to have and take care of kids. That life was, and still is, greatly rewarding. I am the one who has seen all of their monumental firsts. I am so lucky to have had the pleasure to witness the wobbly steps, wipe the tears and kiss the boo boos- first hand.

Instead of gaining tenure and a nest egg, I've sacrificed a little bit of me to mold four little newborns into four little people that I am crazy proud of. My resume has instead gained colic, night frights, bedtime stories, and trips to the emergency room. And I am proud of that.

Admitting this life was a sacrifice was just being honest- never was it with the intent to negate the value of the role that I have held and the rewards that we reap from it.

The fact is, some people fall into this role seamlessly, like they nurtured their baby dolls from infancy. I, however, chucked my baby doll, as soon as I was old enough to open a lemonade stand.

My youngest child starts preschool next month. She will only be in a few hours a day, at this point, but I know what is on the horizon. I have always known this time would come. The day she would fly this cuckoo's nest and I'd have to fill my time ruffling feathers elsewhere.

For the last two years, I have been calculating my life, sorting out logistics and asking myself, "what do I want to do when I grow up?"- or rather- when they grow up? I've sent my share of resumes, filled out applications and stalked Craigslist- none of the "Earn $30,000 a month- and not even leave your home!" have panned out. I'm still needed here on a limited basis so I had to turn down all the overseas CEO positions that were offered to me.

16 months ago I discovered a way of journaling. An outlet for all the things I had to share. It seemed to fill the little free time I had and the creative releases that I needed. It offered the support from a community of people that understood. It fit into my schedule with my kids and I enjoyed it.

I share thoughts, feelings, and fears. Everything is derived from my experiences and my opinions. Take all or nothing that you want from it- I don't claim to be an expert of anything- just a slave to blatant honesty. I editorialize. I kid. I trivialize. I curse. I poke fun at myself.

I blog. ***GASP***

I am a mom who blogs. Not a 'mommy blogger', which has its own negative connotations and hype without any help from me. And, no- I am not a drunk.

'Blog' is the new four letter word. Fear of the unknown, the predators, the ignorance. Some may be threatened by it.

My mothering has come under attack and been criticized because of my blog. That's certain to only increase if others in real life find out about it. I have banished pictures of my kids from this site in an effort to prove to make this about my words. Note to perverts: you are not welcome here- I have enough problems and if you're jacking off to my words- you also have some problems to tend to. I have come under fire as being naive and clueless when it comes to the "reality of the Internet".

I stand firm that I am hurting no one and putting no one in danger with my rants.

In July, I went to a blogging conference and among 1500 bloggers, I did not spot one axe murderer in the bunch- and I was looking! Each person I met was just as they represent themselves on their respected sites (well, maybe a few photography tricks to disguise second chins- but bygones- I was sucking in my gut, too!)

There was no Chris Hanson. No squirrely, fat, middle-aged men carrying six packs of wine coolers and boxes of condoms meeting his cyber-girlfriend that he knows only as "14YROLDSXYGAL"!

Blogging has saved my sanity and my brain from turning to a ball of animated mush. I am saddened that it's shamed and not taken as a serious forum for writing. Not for myself, but for so many talents out here.

You always hear, "do something you love"... I am doing something I love- it's oddly rewarding (and not in any sense, financially), but I still love it. Yet, slightly disheartened that the perception of the "blog" holds me back from sharing it.

Exorcism for breakfast, anyone?

2009-08-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

I am not a morning person- never have been- probably never will be- my mom still enjoys sleeping until noon- so technically, lazy runs in my family.

This fact made school morning rituals less than fun.

My grandma, on the other hand, was a morning person- a chipper, pull open the blinds to reveal the dreadful sunlight, singing hokey Zipadeedooda songs- kind of morning person. Lazy skipped a generation on her.

She was the one that would have the pleasure of waking me each morning for school. And by pleasure, I mean, abuse that by any other standards should have landed me in a juvenile detention center or, at least, a brisk slap across the face. But the woman, God rest her soul on a super duper puffy cloud of a pillow, was a Saint. She would keep a smile on her face and take my demon side in stride and prepare me a hot breakfast.

Which, in hindsight, makes me feel like even more of an asshat.

I'd scream. I'd curse. I'd call her names. I remember throwing a brush once.

In the afternoon, my grandma would pick me up from school and I would eat my words, apologize emphatically, and shower her with hugs for being such a dickhead.

Paybacks...

My 10 year old is not a morning person. Funny how that works, huh?

The second her foot hits the floor she screams. I don't know what this is about. This squeal, shrieking whine that wakes up the house with such glee- that's when we know... here it comes.

Sometimes it's her hair.

Sometimes it's a zipper.

Sometimes it's her sister.

Sometimes it's the cereal.

This morning... it was a granola bar.

They get out of school at noon today. So they will not get lunch, but they can have a snack, a "healthy and nutritious snack" per the student handbook. I offered her a bag of grapes or a granola bar. Holy fuck. You'd think I'd just given her Sophie's Choice!

The tears, the torment, the shrilling. Seriously? All this- over a granola bar?

I channeled my grandma and kept my cool. Deep breath.

She channeled Linda Blair and her head spun...

"I want chips!"

Deep breath. "No you can have grapes or granola bar," I said with as much reserve as my body contains.

"I hate you and your granola bars!"

I took the possessed little girl to school and as I said goodbye, the demon left her body as she kissed me goodbye and said sorry.

Who says you shouldn't start a sentence with "And"?

2009-08-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

Today is the day that I pulled my head out of my ass and realized (ummm, because my sister told me) that two of my kids go back to school- ON MONDAY- GULP.

And we have Open House tomorrow.

And my son has football practice everyday after school for 4 hours (is it just me or is that excessive? That seems excessive.)

And we have soccer practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

And we have Volleyball practice on Wednesdays.

And flute practice on Thursdays and Fridays.

And in September, my youngest starts preschool (she's 4 and I suck because I decided to only send her to one year of preschool unlike my others that each went two years, at least. I enjoyed her company too much. And preschool is expensive.)

And that brings my grand total to 3 different school schedules, 4 kids, 5 activities, and my den floor full of school supplies that need to be separated and labeled.

And gone are the days when I can just say "find something to play with and shut up" (you know, hypothetically, if they were driving me nuts and my head felt like it was going to explode and I was out of Xanax- but totally hypothetical because a mother NEVER talks to her kids like that. Or runs out of Xanax.)

And then that means I have to start putting on clothes that are somewhat presentable (pants), shower on occasion, and wear shoes.

Freshman

2009-08-11T05:22:00.000-07:00

Sweet innocent school boy.

Awake at the crack of dawn with excitement and anticipation.

I can still see his red uniform shirt tucked tightly into his starchy creased navy shorts with the backpack snuggly on his proud tall shoulders.

His toothless grin said it all.

I tied his fresh-out-of-the-box bright white tennis shoes in double knots. I walked him to the kindergarten door and kissed him goodbye.

My misty eyes said it all.

High school teenager.

Rolled out of bed late. Nervous with uncertainty and insecurities.

Crumpled baseball jersey and camouflage shorts to make certain he doesn't appear to have tried too hard.

"I can wait for the bus by myself, mom," he said with an eye roll.

"Good luck", I said, as I wistfully walked back to the house.

I peeked from the inside corner of the window as he waited for his first bus. I watched as he apprehensively walked down the aisle of the bus with all of the new faces sizing him up.

He caught me spying. He turned his head abruptly the other way to avoid making eye contact with me.

I miss tying his shoes, spit wiping the cereal from the the corner of his mouth, and combing his hair down with my fingers.

But mostly, I miss kissing him goodbye.

It's been an emotional day- go read some of my lighter side at my other home, Aiming Low, today.

Scrappy Doo

2009-08-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

Murphy loved the cows...

And by "loved", I mean he truly wanted to take them out. The 9lb Shih Tzu/Bichon vs. the really really (can you tell I have no idea how to estimate his weight) heavy bull...

Murphy reminds me of Scrappy Doo, Scooby's nephew that is really brave and always putting up his dukes to take on the bad guys. I've told my family this analogy before and no one gets the reference. They clearly didn't watch as much Scooby Doo as I did, which really just makes me sad for them, but also pissed that they don't understand what I'm saying.

He didn't head the warnings...

and only got shocked by the electrical barbed wire fence a handful of times before we decided to put him on his leash- which drove my dad absolutely nuts because it's against the natural order of things and dogs should be able to wander on several hundred acres of land freely and be electrocuted and eaten as small snacks for Black Angus- or something like that.

We threw the leftovers into the cow crossing after meals and Murphy lived like a king and ate NOT ONE OUNCE of his dog food this week because he figured out a path into the cow corral without getting shocked...

And in case you were wondering.. that hot dog bun came up in his vomit yesterday- still all in one piece!

Survival

2009-08-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

I survived the farm.

The peace.

The tranquility.
The huge spiders.

The modes of transportation.

Thanks to caffeine...

and S'mores.

Gone Fishing- seriously.

2009-08-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

Starting tomorrow morning, I am going off the grid. As in no phone, no Internet, no McDonald's for a 40 mile radius, the aroma of cow shit and savage coyotes to eat your left over crappy casseroles overnight. I hate casseroles. I don't make the rules- I just follow them. I think casseroles are suggested in some farming handbook passed down in my family- to ensure that my kids eat NOTHING except peanut butter and jelly.

The family farm.

I usually enjoy it, though I complain about having lost my modern conveniences and my will to live while I'm there. It's my sunny disposition.

The nearest living population are the Mennonites about 50 miles away, but they're busy singing A Capella standards while making pies from scratch, so they certainly won't hear my cry for help, but I will buy a pie from them on the way to the farm.

So think of me while you are sitting in air-conditioning, catching up on Internet gossip (or porn- whatever your poison), and Twittering. I'll be looking at a bazillion stars- and while that's lovely and all- it gets old after the first 3 and 1/2 minutes. Luckily, the fridge is stocked with beer.

I will be taking boring pictures of gorgeous scenery and NOT pictures of my kids next to cow dung (like I did last year) because there has been a gag order put on pictures of my children on this blog. Note: some posts in my archives will seem like I was on major drugs because they no longer make sense without the photos- I was just too lazy to delete the whole post.

I will also have a new post at my mother ship- Aiming Low- please go visit and share some love with all the great writers there- including me!!!

The last one- promise!

2009-07-31T07:21:00.000-07:00

The celebrities:

Happy Hour Sue and I with Queer Eye's Carson Kressley.

Me and the Michelin Man ( he was getting blown- must be why he seems so happy.) There was a blower ( I think it was a machine, but I can't be 100% sure- inflating or fluffing him- take that however you like). There was a definite humming.

Jen and Paula Deen shooting the shit. I love this picture because I imagine they are exchanging the secret to the flakiest pie crust this side of the Mason- Dixon and I'm pegging Jen as a BIG BAKER- you know, in the down time when she's not Twittering or cleaning up her newborn baby boy's puke out of her mouth!

The Swag:

Everyone wants to know about the swag. I was a swag whore, but not in the bad way. I didn't knock anyone down in the process and only took what was offered to me. I still have bruises up and down my arms for having to carry 5 extra bags on the train full of swag- I was the swag bag lady.

The angel in endearing lesbian form behind me on the train with the eagle tattoo on her arm helped me board the train- bless you- I don't care what the conservatives say, there's a special place in heaven for you.

At last count, some of the highlights were 18 flash drives, 22 tote bags, and one girly toy that is currently tied with my chocolate as "the swag that has provided the most pleasure."

The Fallout:

This blog is my document of my life. Any external components are how they affect me. I try not to bash.

My husband's anxiety is one such thing. My enabling throughout the years had worsened the situation and I made a decision to stop it- or try. Thus my trip to Chicago. It was hard for him- his security, his fear, the unknown. I reacted poorly to his poorly directed concern. Like a rebellious teenager screaming at her dad, yeah, I reacted poorly. But his way of showing his love came across less loving and more controlling. We agreed to disagree, kinda.

All the drama, I knew it would make or break us.

To complicate matters, while in Chicago, my husband indulged and read my blog in length and was not happy. Though I have been conscious to not slander and be entirely vague where he is concerned, he felt hurt and violated. Anything I wrote was not a secret to him and was 100% true, but reading it in an open forum was a shock for him and I felt awful.

The truth has often been my curse.

Sunday night, I was a caffeine jolt away from deleting this blog. I began this journey as a healing process and an outlet. I never wanted to hurt anyone with its content. Never.

I ramble. Many things I say in a sarcastic tone. Unfortunately, my writing may not be as descriptive and translatable as it seems in my head.

As hard as it has been to confront these issues with him, I think, I hope, I pray that it has assisted us in a more open line of communication and directed us toward some healing and awareness.

Obviously, I have not deleted this blog and don't plan to. It's too important to me. I will make an asserted effort to not include him in a negative light as long as he keeps his part of the deal and doesn't give me such rich blog fodder and buys me ~~jewelry~~, ~~flowers~~, chocolate, what? I'm easy.

The Details- Part 1

2009-07-29T07:03:00.001-07:00

Roommates:
Heather greeted my sorry ass at the train station. She saved me from a blind man in a wheelchair that befriended me and told me he was going to surprise his nephew in Albuquerque that didn't know he was coming and had never even met before and made me rummage through his grocery bag luggage to pull out a map so he could show me his stalking route- that wasn't weird- at all!

She then helped me drag my broken wheeled suitcase to the bus stop through construction and had the patience of a saint during my cursing of all things living.

I will forever get misty- eyed when I hear the hum of a breast pump and not be able to look over and see Brittany draining her engorged bazookas with her computer on her lap- bitch can multi-task like no one's business. Sniff.

The room was trashed and not once did I try to clean it up. I'm pretty sure even the Hispanic cleaning staff never set foot in the room for fear of stepping on a dirty needle or catching airborne Hepatitis. The coffee and booze that I set on the table throughout the weekend stayed there the whole time. They were an intelligently safe cleaning team.

The best, messiest, and least modest roommates (Anissa) were understanding as fuck with the 7AM wake up calls from my husband that lead to my number of breakdowns. They totally saved the mocking for behind my back and those- are good friends!

Anissa, Me and Brittany (Heather left early- leaving me with a bed all to myself- yay, but of course, I missed her!)

The People:

The first people I met as I was walking into the lobby were these ladies and HOLY SHIT (of the cool as fuck Canadian Brigade) what kind of way to start off my weekend, right? I'm certain they were clueless who I was and have no recollection of meeting me, but, in my mind, we're totally acquaintances.

I met a lot of people. I remember every single one of them because I'm a dork like that-I have a dissociative mind of a steel trap. I won't list them all because the glamour of restraining orders are wading in my mind and they're a pain in the ass. I seriously enjoyed each and every person I met. I will, however, share the ones that I have pictures of... because blackmail is fun.

There should be a law of equity against someone being so god damn beautiful, leggy, and sincerely a nice person- there has to be a balance in the world- and she is proof that life ain't fair. Lisa's energy and charisma could be bottled up and it would outsell heroine easily! (Yeah, I don't look the least bit uncomfortable being in the same picture as her, do I? Self conscious much? At least she crouched down to my level- she's like 3 feet taller than me- she's a giver that way- just another aspect of her perfection- bitch! I mean that in the most loving way, dear!)
The Parties:

Friday night, we attended The People's Party. It was wrought with anxiety and perspiration in there. I'm pretty sure the room contained 200 people over the Fire Marshall's guidelines.

Jill, Brittany, and Me- couldn't push our asses and knock over more bloggers with our swag bags towards the bar fast enough!

When that party started clearing out- the people that knew the schedule and had their shit together went to the Room 704 party-that I totally forgot about. Besides missing out on the candy bar that makes the best sex you've ever had seem rather mediocre in that swag bag (thanks to my roommates for sharing!)- it was all good.
Because with the room winding down, Jenny, The Bloggess, came out of the bathroom! And we totally groped.
Then we (and by we, I totally mean Lisa) asked Nina from Imagination Movers if she would be willing to sign Jenny's boobs and she was all, "well..." and then her publicist jumped in and was all, " um... Hellz to the no," but politely and professional and blushing. You'd have thought she asked to do a blow job to one of her puppets! When Lisa discovered she was on a children's show with puppets- she was mortified- bless her Christian do-gooder heart. But the look on the publicist's face will live with me in hilarious infamy for the rest of my days!

As if that weren't entertaining enough... Jenny says, "that's Nancy"... then I say, "oh my fucking Christ"... (Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal) we compared and contrast medication bottles and hers put mine to shame with all the fun colors and shapes. She shared her vodka disguised as a water bottle with us since the bar had stopped serving.

You can see the combination of fear and excitement in my eyes- the fear was from that gang sign she was doing with her hand!

The Sessions:

On Saturday morning, there was a "speed dating" exercise where you introduce yourself randomly to someone and then move on after about 60 seconds. The first 10 people I met were travel bloggers, photography bloggers, Christian bloggers, and techies- I shit you not. If you have ever read me- you can imagine my eyes glazing over and the panic that began to set in. Then the next few people that I gave a card to- recognized me- they read me- they had been in my crazy mind and, although, that should have totally freaked me out- I was moons over my hammy about it! They reignited my flame- thank you so much!

On Saturday afternoon, HappyHour Sue graced us with her presence and reaffirmed that the friendships made on the interwebz can become lifelong ones! I love her and I'd share my last Xanax with her, if it came to it!

Credit for most of these pictures goes to Lisa- yet another thing she's good at.

First Blogher Wrap up- oh yeah, there will be more!

2009-07-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't have guessed that this would be the hardest post I have EVER written.

The post Blogher post.

The anticipation and expectations are far too high for my post traumatic stress capabilities at this point.

I am still beyond exhausted, my ass aches from 12 hours on an upright train seat, and I have a tapestry burn on my leg from dragging my asinine suitcase with broken wheels 2 city blocks to the bus stop.

I have read great wrap up posts- better than the words that I can currently put together in my fragile state. I met amazing people and can honestly say that I wasn't disappointed in any one person that I met.

Canadians excrete coolness effortlessly- just an observation.

You won't get any trash talking here, not at least until I go through all my pictures so I have evidence.

I learned that I have not made much social advancement since high school. I am still the one that blends into a crowd. I am still the people watcher. I observe and soak it in. I smile and nod. As much as I'd love to be the party animal and life of the party, it is not to be.

Surprisingly, I didn't feel self conscious, though. Call it confidence, call it old age, call it xanax and vodka- whatever. I was excited to be out of the house- to be around all of those amazingly creative people that manipulate the language as an alternate form of expression to the awkwardness that is human interaction.

I know not of the 'drama' that I've heard going around, except my personal brand of baggage that I brought crying and cursing through the streets of Chicago on my cell phone (another story that will need to be carefully crafted for another time.)

What I do know is that flow of tears and humiliation were comforted by hugs, nudges, and a $21 buffet breakfast with people that I had never met.

First impression- FAIL.

They showered me with the warmth of a loving friend of many years and made me feel like a little less of an ass. In my snot infested nervous breakdown moment surrounded by virtual friends, but actual strangers, I felt, for the first time in a long time, like I fit in. I had a place. It was a distant place off in the corner, but still, a place.

This was the reason I went. This was the support and community I found in the cyber world and wondered if it would translate into real life.

I am happy to say that it did.

I'm Ready!

2009-07-22T04:45:00.000-07:00

I'm overwhelmed with details right now, but so excited that I haven't slept in two days- I know that's going to eventually come back and bite me in the ass.

The packed suitcase on the floor of our bedroom has forced my husband into the next phase of mourning my absence- ACCEPTANCE! Can I get an AMEN? Seriously, this load has been lifted off of me and I actually feel like I can enjoy this trip now.

I've been trying to stock up my house with food, paper supplies, cleaning supplies- anything that might be needed. I've been scrubbing everything down, cleaning out cabinets (you know, so it looks like they are ALWAYS that neat!) As I was writing a note of instructions to the sitter (my husband's Aunt S) it dawned on me that I'm going to be found out soon.

In just about 48 hours, it's going to become clear that I don't do shit. My "stay at home mom of 4 kids" cover is going to be blown.

There were no real directions to write down- no medications, no allergies, no appointments, no special instructions. My kids are like a bunch of trained monkeys and this place runs like a well-oiled machine most of the time. I guess it is to my credit that I trained them. So maybe my new cover should be "animal trainer"- how does that pay?

Aunt S's head might explode when she first hears the fighting since she's a 40 something woman without children- she may not be aware of the overload of estrogen that can rage in girls ages 4,8, and 10. And she might be a little overwhelmed with my 14 year old son's hyperactivity and occasional destruction, but all in all, they're angels.

What does this mean?

I think it means I'm ready. I've done my part here. I've kept the savages fed for this long. 14 years, 4 kids, and only 2 trips to the emergency room- I'd say that's like a, what, 98.7% success rate?(Don't worry, I've kept the math teaching to the professionals.)

I think it means I'm due. I think it means I won't have to hear their fighting for a few days and my headaches will only be vodka-induced. I think it means I've done my job fairly well. I think it means I will be happy to get away for a while because I deserve it. I think it means I will miss them, but I will be better for them when I get back.

premonitions...

2009-07-21T05:10:00.000-07:00

At the butt crack of dawn on Thursday morning, I will be driven to a train station for the first time. I will have an over sized suitcase and a duffel bag- that will have approximately 12 outfits, 10 pair of shoes (because it's good to be prepared for 3 1/2 days) and fabulous accessories like this from Sorrelli Jewelry.

(which by the by, they are offering an extra 5% discount on everything - use discount code "BLOGHER5"- even sale stuff...PLUS through Friday- they're having a summer sale of 15% off a $100 purchase- so that's 20% off- marvel at my math skills, do ya?)

Oh yeah- my suitcase will also contain vodka- if you know of some train conductor security measure that may confiscate my liquor, please tell me now!

My husband will make my departure miserable because that's what he does. That's why this will be my breakfast...
I will kiss the little dumplin's good bye for. the. first. time. evah!

Once in Chicago, you may notice a bounce in my step (or stumble, depending on how many Xanax it takes me to get out the door) with a gleeful, yet cluelessly, giddy smile (or glaze). I will be the only one without a Blackberry or i-Phone. I will be using a borrowed laptop that I have no idea how to use. I bought a new Nikon camera- which I also, have no idea how to use, but at least I didn't have to resort to the disposable and Ashton Kutcher is kinda cute and digs old chicks.

I may be groping people I admire in hopes that the greatness may rub off- or just for fun- who knows. I will be in awe of people that have talents that I can only dream of. I may get misty eyed. I will have waterproof mascara.

Ready, Set, Aim Low!

2009-07-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

First, we have just launched a new, fun, freaking fantastic website called Aiming Low- taking low to new heights. Somehow the witty powers that be that are running the digs over there saw right through my perfect facade **cough** and thought me and my slacker ways would fit in- how right they were. I do have a hunch that some over-achievers have snuck in and infiltrated the place though- because they've been a busy!

My first post is up now and I could use some comment love. I think my niche over there is "the old bitter lady- that doesn't like to shower"- I'll take it. But all of my posts won't be that introspective- promise!

I must now speak about BlogHer-T minus 3 DAYS. OH. MY. GOD!

I told/reminded the husband yesterday about my impending travels. After I took a Xanax. At my son's baseball game surrounded by people.

He was less than thrilled. He really doesn't get it. He really doesn't get blogging. I'm trying my best to keep my cool and hold my tongue before I say something I regret.

He has threatened to go to Europe by himself when I get home- so that seems fair, wouldn't ya say? It would be funny, if it wasn't. If he wouldn't have to take out a second mortgage our house for it- I would throw him a Bon Voyage party myself!

He doesn't "understand why I want to go." Plain and simple- he just doesn't get it and he won't. I don't think there is anything I can say to convince him and his old-fashioned, guarded ways any different. I can't help, but to think how awesome it would be him to say "go, have a good time!" But alas, he won't, he is not fond of me going to meet my "freaky computer friends".

So, yes, this will add to my anxiety, as I was afraid it would, but not take away from my excitement, damn it! I will do this and I will enjoy myself.

What BlogHer Means to Me

2009-07-18T06:28:00.000-07:00

I remember this time last year- I was new to blogging and kept seeing this term "BlogHer". Every other post I would read mentioned it and my eyes would glaze over because 1.)I didn't know what it was 2.) I wasn't going and 3.) figured I would never be able to go to such a thing.

Oh have times changed!

That's your cue if you're still in the "eyes glazing over" phase- this is probably going to be an all BlogHer- all the time zone for the next 2 weeks- deal!

I now know that BlogHer is a convention of bloggers (mostly women, but not discriminating, but that's where the "Her" comes in). It is in a different place each year- this year- Chicago. You can learn about the business aspect of a blog, advertising, formatting- all the shit I'm clueless about. That's why I probably won't be found in those sessions.

However, it's going to be a hotel full of bloggers.

I have blogged for a little over a year. When I started, my complacency with being a stay at home mom had begun to fade. My husband's anxiety and fear of the unknown had become my sickness as well. I needed an outlet- for what? At that point, I didn't quite know.

I knew I was sad and lonely. I knew I needed something to call my own. I knew I had a lot to say. I knew my creative juices were simmering within me and being held back for fear of political incorrectness. I knew my kids and my husband deserved someone that was happier and well-adjusted.

I have poured my heart and frustration onto the keyboard at times. I have put things out here, I wished I might not have. I have gone through a couple near nervous breakdowns and many bouts of depression. I've shared embarrassing stories and admissions. Through it all, though, I found that outlet I had been looking for. I no longer feel like I'm going to bust. I finally have something that is under my control.

Along the way, I have found a community of people that understand, empathize or just listen. I've found so many times that I'm not the only one feeling the way I do.

The only weird thing about this, to many, and I suppose to me also, is that these people that have given me such hope, talked me through difficult times and been there as a support system- I have never met.

That's where BlogHer comes in. I finally get to meet some of these people "In Real Life" (that's the tag line of the conference).

I've never said the statement "I blog" in my real life. There's a stigma that goes along with that and it's just another headache that I don't need- and let's be honest- my blog is not exactly the "mommy blog" that we want circulating around my kids' strict Catholic school!

That's not to say that I don't want to say it. I do. Believe it or not, I've been proud of some of the stuff I've put out here. I'm damn proud of what my blog has done for me. It has gotten me to search for me again. It has given me the confidence to be me again and not just say the things I think I'm supposed to say.

Next weekend, among meeting some of the people that I credit with saving my sanity and embracing me as me, I am going to be surrounded by people that get it.

Next weekend I will proudly say "I blog."

The dress

2009-07-15T23:34:00.000-07:00

It's 1:35am and it's just me, my anxiety and the keyboard! Insomnia can kiss my ass.

I shopped today for clothes (a little black dress, to be precise)for BlogHer.

The first store I went into with high hopes, good intentions, and a smile. I was cocky- grabbing strappy dresses with little structure in single digit sizes. I had all 4 kids in tow and thought I could do it.

I learned otherwise.

I left crying and feeling bitch-slapped by time and gravity.

But there was still a job to be done.

So I put on my big girl pants (my Spanx), found a babysitter, and braved the fitting room alone- with me and my big girl sizes- gulp.

I decided that the first dress that zipped up pass my boobs and gave me the balls to walk out of the fitting room to look in the 3-way mirror was the victor.

It was the 12th dress I tried on!

I pulled a muscle trying to get the zipper up. However, my backfat only got pinched a little, so there's that.

I will need some assistance getting dressed that night- preferrably someone that can manhandle backfat and is a warrior with zippers, any takers?

Get to know a little bit about me before it comes as a shock at BlogHer

2009-07-13T21:02:00.001-07:00

If you're going to BlogHer there are a few things you should know about me...

1.) I have a peanut sized head and a huge forehead. I'm not fat, per say, however, in relation to my body, my head is not proportioned... much like these... don't stare at me- it's freakish, I know.

2.) It is because of #1 that I steer clear of cameras and hate myself in pictures. I am in need of a haircut and I'm thinking of asking them to add volume (and possibly bangs) to give the illusion of a normal sized head- I'm crossing my fingers.

3.) I don't dance. I will Karaoke. Or chair dance. Or possibly even lap dance. But don't expect me to break it down on the dance floor- I feel like a dork.

4.) I don't usually drink (read: lightweight). If I drink too much- it's a pretty good bet I will get sick. This, and the fact that my dad was a raging alcoholic when I was growing up, is why I was a pothead. It's all cool now, though, my dad has been clean for 20 years and my husband confiscated my bong and bowl. The only thing that remains is an occasional pesky smoker's cough, a fear of abandonment and self-esteem issues. Note to Anissa and Brittany: you may want to consider giving me the bed nearest to the bathroom, as a consolation, our room will be spotless due to my OCD.

5.) I am technologically challenged. I use a desktop computer. I will have my step-dad's laptop at BlogHer. That I have no idea how to use. Therefore, I will be even more technologically stumped than normal- shocking to think that it can get worse! Pity me- offer up advice- whatever- just don't point and laugh.

6.) Besides the fact that after 14 years of not having been away from my kids and/or husband and I am like a ticking time bomb and really need to get away- financially, I have no business going on a trip. Seriously, we're broke, but I'm looking at it as an investment in my sanity and probably cheaper than the institutionalization that's on the horizon without this as an intervention.

7.) Because of #6, I am open to whoring myself for most basic necessities: chocolate covered pretzels, fruity beverages with umbrellas, and adult diapers.

8.) I'm shy at first- it takes me a while to warm up- not literally, I will be sweating profusely.

9.) I don't care how shy I am- you will get a card from me. Why? Because I accidentally bought 1000! I'm not a fan of waste and I don't know if I'll ever get out again- so I may be passing them out to random strangers on the streets of Chicago, as well.

10.) Seriously, I have no idea where the train station is in relation to the hotel- should I know that? I have never ridden in a cab, much less flagged one down- do you even have to "flag them down" in Chicago. Watching Sex and the City is about as close as I've been to a cab.

11.) I predict my cell phone will ring approximately 306 times. My husband has extreme anxiety. What do I care- as long as I get out of the house. I also like the ring on my phone- it sounds like an old 70's porno!

12.) Again, related to #6- I will attend any free events. Are there any free events? If so please send me the information. I may also be found scrounging dumpsters with Chicago homeless for meals, that is, if I make it to the hotel in the first place- otherwise look for me near the train station passing out business cards with chow mien on my chin.

Dear Kathy Griffin- ummm...

2009-07-12T00:29:00.001-07:00

Open letter to Kathy Griffin,

Luckily, I have envious bowel control or I would have shit myself when you called me at 2AM on Saturday night! But it would have been a good, pleasantly surprised, totally worth it mess.

I'm the captivating wife of the Police Officer that you ran into and wished he were arresting you (for the publicity). You called me from his broken flip phone that is held together by tape- how embarrassing! I've been meaning to take care of that, but with my glamorous lifestyle of 16 and Pregnant marathons and bribing kids to be quiet so I can finish watching the last season of Arrested Development on DVD, it slipped my mind.

When my husband called me, yelling over the background noise of all the drunkards downtown, "I have someone that wants to talk to you,"- I dreaded hearing a drunk random old friend out having a life! I wiped the just-fell-asleep sweat from underneath my boobs and turned down the rerun of Roseanne and put on my best, "No, I wasn't sleeping" voice- could you tell?

When you said, "Tena, this is Kathy Griffin" and I think I responded, "Get the fuck out"- that was sincere- maybe not fully thought out, but sincere nonetheless. I'm a little rusty from my last brush with greatness in 1993 when I waited for Lenny Kravitz after a show and was able to touch his dreadlocks. I know, it's hard to believe someone with such charisma as me, doesn't get out more- maybe it's the sarcasm and the self-deprecation that holds me back. No, I think I'll blame it on the kids, like my stretch marks.

I was sound asleep and caught off guard, but ~~normally,~~ ~~possibly,~~ there's a slight chance that if I were awake, I may have been able to join you in a witty repartee. Or probably not. Just maybe less stuttering. And waaay less perspiration, hopefully. I assure you my vocabulary goes beyond "umm" and "Oh My God". Usually.

Anyway, I would have said in my dorky, trying-too-hard-I'm-a-huge-fan-voice that I adore your inability to filter, love of celebrity trash talk, and agree with you on everything. I love hearing you on Howard Stern, and, of course your show "My Life on the D-List" is hilarious!

I've been a fan since you were really on the "D- List"('cuz let's face it, you're moving up, bitch!) and have watched all of your shows and specials. I don't get you confused with Vicky Lewis... and since my husband thought of me and orchestrated this phone call and all... I probably shouldn't embarrass him and say that he just asked me last week if you were on News Radio.

Please take no offense to the fact that I was clueless that you were in town. Of course you had a show! Could I have made it more obvious that I don't have a life? That was very sweet of you to have offered me tickets, you know, in hindsight, for pretend, or whatever. For what it's worth, I would have loved it! And next time you're in town, since Tom's hometown is St. Louis, we could totally hang. Or I could just go to a show. In the nosebleeds. Or not- whatever.

The second I got off the phone with you, I tweeted "Kathy fucking Griffin just called me!"...where I was the envy of all the cool mommy bloggers (you know the ones that don't have their panties in a bunch about your " This Emmy is my God now...suck it, Jesus" crack) and your main gays. I then found you on Twitter and am now stalking you, so that'll be fun, my apologies in advance.

Now that I've had time to absorb it all in- what I would have been curious about... Is there still a Facebook position open in Team Griffin? Cause I think I could rock that.

Tiffany has lost some weight, huh? She looks great.

So, what's the real deal with what happened to Jessica?

Can I also say that I already have the Joan Rivers' Roast written on my calendar (because you know my calendar's so booked!).

When my husband got home, he said he would have like to say something witty, too, and mentioned something about your mom and tea bagging- I'm so lucky he doesn't think on his feet, either! That could have been ugly.

So, thank you so much for taking the time out to say hi and chat with me.

Sincerely,

The person you called last night that you probably wish you hadn't.

My plan for the weekend...

2009-07-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend is our "Parish Picnic"- a weekend long, money pit, breeding ground for annoying drunks, lost kids, and "carnie" infestation. The air is thick with the smell of funnel cakes and motion sickness puke. Most people would jump at the chance or, at least, give in to the CONSTANT begging, whining, and moaning by their kids to attend. Not me- I am strong. I am broke. I am short of patience when it comes to close quarters in 100 degree weather with people I don't like.

My kids go to the school (against my internal battles). We are parishoners. I make an asserted, yet flawed effort, to make it to church on Sundays. I am a bad, but true Catholic- my dad was one of 13 and they were all drunks, but they went to church every Sunday, damn it. My kids play sports for the school. We are constantly surrounded by people that belong to the parish. So there are pressures to attend and help support the cause.

The sun sets and rises with the parish picnic, in most of these peoples' lives. If I openly admit to them that I am in town this weekend and choosing to stay home and not drop $300 each day- I will be doomed to eternal damnation and no one needs that.

That's why I'm lying and saying we're out of town this weekend.

Amen.

Friday Fragments

2009-07-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

It's time for a Friday Fragments. Random thoughts from the week- God help you all. If you would like to join in with your own with Mrs.4444...

***Went shopping for a bra yesterday. How. Freaking. Depressing. When did that happen? I used to be able to buy a bra- no problem. Now, dresses, shirts, pants- and GOD- swimsuits- total different story, but bras- I could handle. Yesterday, something was different. Little bulges and bumps and lumps and divots in my shoulders- blech! I walked out, needlesstosay, without purchasing an over-priced bra and went to my daughter's softball game and had a sno-cone and a hot dog- that'll show Victoria's Secret! Long live the sag!

***In more news about my vanity... I got a facial last Thursday. I'm cheap. I don't do facials, except when I have a gift card to a swanky spa from last Christmas that's going to expire. I decided facial was the best choice since I'm dealing poorly with my aging process. I got my first "peel"- I don't know what kind it was- but it didn't feel like much (she claimed it was supposed to burn or itch- nope!)

I was hoping for a '10 years younger' appearance- well, more like 20... my face has 3 huge zits. I look like a 16 year old again! The girl claimed that some electric dildo thingy that she dragged across my face was supposed to stop me from breaking out- well, it didn't.

***I had trouble sleeping this week- very anxious- and busy. Flute lessons every day (my kid's school band plays the National Anthem at Busch Stadium in August), 6 softball/baseball games, and on the horizon, of course, BlogHer. I am so overwhelmed with everything. And to find out that Tim Gunn will be there now? I thought I was meeting up with a bunch of gals that embrace the yoga pant, WTF?

*** Back in December, my husband had an incident at work. To be thoroughly vague and confusing, I can't give details. He was eligible for retirement as of January 3 (20 years) and that had been his plan- to go to another job where medical insurance was less than $750/month. Well, I'm proud to announce that JUST 8 MONTHS LATER- the situation has been resolved. We are hoping for good things- please throw out a prayer or good thoughts for us.

*** I suck at this blogging thing- seriously. I adore all the connections I've made, but feel increasingly inferior to all the wit, sincerity, and talent out there. 12 days out from BlogHer is not the time to be feeling this way- or writing like shit or maybe that's why I feel this way. I need a good kick in the ass. Or maybe just some quiet so I can compose a sentence. Or maybe a talent. Or a life, who knows?

I have drafted about 12 things this week and each one is suckier than the last (fuck you, spellcheck- "suckier" is the perfect word to describe them.) So I wanted to take this time to apologize for my recent crap and let you know that I'm aware and am working on it.

***My husband had a dream last night that we were "rocking it"- that was his quote- and I said, "dude, you need to get that penis enlargement!" Self- conscious much? Or has he been reading my spam inbox?

Someone's been watching an Everybody Loves Raymond marathon

2009-07-08T20:11:00.000-07:00

When a soda explodes in your kitchen, drying up the floor with a napkin is not sufficient. That's not just me, right? Someone please tell my husband, please?

I made the mistake of leaving my house to do some gardening- that's right, I garden my ass off- I'm every woman- suck it! So, I'm outside gardening and apparently, my husband drops a can of soda and it explodes in the kitchen. He dried up the floor with a napkin- so the kids wouldn't slip- wasn't that big of him? Nevermind that my kitchen looked like a meconium filled amniotic sac exploded all over my white cabinets and stainless steel appliances. And the floor! Good God the floor! It felt like there were 800 upside down Post-it notes under my feet!

As I scrubbed the floors with my Cinderella-esque bucket and rag (I don't do mops- they gross me out), I paused to watch my husband watching TV on the sofa with an ice cream cone in one hand and quite possibly a handful of belly button lint in another.

"Marriage is like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond without the laugh track."

-Knocked Up

No truer words have been spoken in a movie, especially in my house.

The episode about the can opener and the one when Ray buys the crappy tissue...the one where his brother moves into an apartment and Ray is jealous.. the one where they realize they are nicer to strangers than to each other, and the one where Ray thinks Debra has PMS because of a mood (and yes, when she gets caught with hair remover on her upper lip)- I really should consider some type of lawsuit against the writers because my husband and I have lived out each of those episodes- way before it was cool. And scripted. And funny.

I think where I first go wrong...my husband isn't a comedian.

Some other adjustments I'd make to the show...I keep a clean house. My mother in law does not live across the street. I'm not a crappy cook and I would NEVER ruin Thanksgiving with fish instead of turkey! More flannel and yoga pants- less twin sets. My husband has a less glamorous job (he is the policeman, not his brother, but his brother, does, indeed, still live with his mom at 41.) There would be waaay more cursing (think HBO) and I blog.

me being pathetic, again.

2009-07-05T19:13:00.000-07:00

I did it. I booked my train ticket for BlogHer. That was the action that I've been putting off because I'm a big pussy and found slight comfort in the fact that I could still back-out. Well, that comfort is gone and I've got to be a big girl, now.

Unlike most moms, I don't have concerns about leaving my kids. I'm not afraid to travel by myself. I'm not worried about taking a train for the first time to a city where I know no one. I'm not even leery of meeting up with hundreds of people that I've never met that I feel inferior to (well, maybe a little on that one) or sharing a room with complete strangers that could very well chop me into tiny pieces and sell me on E-Bay.

The reason I've never gone anywhere is because of my husband's anxiety. It's a battle that, after our second child and a few years of marriage, I chose not to fight. I fought for my kids, but forgot about me needing a life. That was a mistake and I now know it- no lectures. He needs hardcore psychotherapy and he knows it, but he won't do it- no lectures on that front either. I have been a big fat enabler and I'm trying my best to stop.

I have learned that the more I do, the more he'll get used to it and adjust which will eventually make us both healthier and happier- well, that's the plan, anyway.

Back in March, I brought up BlogHer to him. At first, it was attacked and ridiculed and I expected nothing less from someone that thinks the only people online are pornographers and homosexuals. After a few weeks of the silent treatment and some very rough patches, he agreed, to my surprise, that it would be good for me. I booked the ticket immediately.

Here we are 4 months later and just 2 weeks out. I have not spoken a word of it to him since. I won't. I can't. I'm certain that he thought it was a phase, something that I just got over. I can't have his anxiety and what-ifs percolate for the next two weeks. I am anxious about how he will react- period- that's my anxiety. I may spring it on him a couple of days before- or not.

On the morning of July 23, his Aunt(who I adore and has encouraged me to do this and given me the nudges that I needed) will be arriving here as I leave on my little adventure. She will be staying here taking care of the kids and running my house in my absence and I couldn't feel more indebted to her. She knows his patterns because his family had the same issues. She doesn't just judge it as an outsider- she knows it, has seen it and has lived it. I'm so lucky to have someone like her.

This trip is huge for me. I'm hoping this will be all I'm imagining it will be. Meeting new people, creating friendships, laughing, and maybe even a little learning- or not. There is nothing funny about this post, if anything, it's relatively pathetic. Just an explanation of why I'm so pathetic.

I would, however, love to win this contest... It is for a Slim Perfect little black dress and a $250 gift certificate. As I understand it, the dress is made of Spanx-like material or iron or something- whatever it is- it pulls in stuff- and I could use a good stuffer puller inner- especially with all this emotional eating I've been doing!

It would help greatly if you went and ~~harass~~ left a comment here explaining how I could be the perfect model for the stuffer puller inner dress at BlogHer! Or you can tweet:

@muffintopless @tenakim needs to win SlimPerfect LBD or else- jammie pants with holes in the crotch- and no one wants to see that!

If I don't win, I'm going to have to do more sneaking around and hiding those damn Macy's bags around the house and that will just add more stress that I don't need.

Pride

2009-07-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

This may go without saying, but my kids drive me batty. So needy and messy and loud- damn, they are loud! Today, they had their yearly physicals and shots- maybe that will shut them up! I know that's mean- too bad.

Anyway, all of my kids are healthy, not remotely obese and brave little suckers! Each of them got a shot (Beebs, 4, got 4!) and not one tear shed! I gotta say, I was pretty proud. Especially when my sister called and said that my niece, 5, cried while getting hers yesterday- everything's a competition!

That is an odd thing to be proud of, isn't it?

Well, my son's report card for the last quarter had 4 'D's (I call it the 4-dimensional report card and it pisses him off). My 8 year old and 10 year old have been threatening each other's life for the last month and they're scaring me. And today, when the Dr. asked Beebs if she knew her ABC's (that she's known since she was 2!), she sang, "A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,How are you today!"

Not my proudest moment.

So, today, I think I'm going to hold onto the fact that they didn't cry during their shots. I know it's little, but it's all I got! Now I think I know what 50cent's mom feels like.

A Fortified Breakfast

2009-06-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

With four kids home from school for the summer, there are bound to be arguments, disputes, and even knock-out- drag-down fights. Yes, we have that. We have that often. However, there is one argument that I can count on- DAILY. First thing in the morning- every single, God-blessed peaceful morning.

The cereal fight.

At any given time, I have 10-20 boxes of nutritionally defunct, sugar-laden boxes of cereal in my cabinet. I buy, stock-up, on cereals that are on sale. I don't care the brand, what my kids' favorite kind is, if there is a hologram on the box or if Miley Freaking Cyrus, herself, spit in the box- if it's on sale I will buy it. I will buy lots.

I have one rule about cereal- that I have passed down through the ages- or to my 14 year old son anyway... my son, the "Cereal Keeper"- the only one that can reach the cabinet with cereal and has been self-appointed "cereal Nazi". One box of cereal open at a time. It's not a la carte. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. And why would they, really? They're all sweet puffy balls of cavity causing goodness- some chocolate, some chemically sweetened to resemble fruit, some even have every child's' favorite- marshmallows- what's not to love?

Every morning in my house, there is, at least, one kid screaming, whining or arguing about the chosen cereal of the day. Every. Freaking. Day. Like time work. Actually, it's more of an alarm clock for me. I don't ever have to worry about sleeping past 8AM due to " operation breakfast breakdown". And what a delightful way to be woken.

It's one question in this game of parenting that I have yet to figure out- right along with why kids are most likely to throw up in the middle of the night.

Now, I used to get it. I used to try and sneak in a box of Corn Flakes or Kix or Shredded Wheat (minus the frosted coating). Then they got old enough and organized a coup, tied me down like Gulliver until I cried high fructose corn syrup.

Who doesn't like Frosted Flakes? Child #2. Who throws themselves in protest of Captain Crunch? Child #4. Who locks herself in her room because Honey Nut Cheerios were poured in her bowl? Child #3.

This morning I had it. I needed a coffee minus the headache. So we made a trip to the promised land...
Can't you just hear the fat cells expanding as the choir of angels sing?? That's "Donuts and Ice Cream"- I want to make chubby babies with "Paul"- marry me!

A one day reprieve from the cereal fight- God Bless You, Paul.

Friday Fragments

2009-06-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

So it seems on back on this blogging fix after all. As was my tradition, I will try to jump back in with Mrs.4444 in Friday Fragments... here goes ... sorry- I may be rusty...

***Today is a large coffee day. I usually get the medium (that's right- small, medium and large- good old-fashioned poor white trash sizes not that hoytie-toytie tall, grande shit!), but something told me this was a large coffee day- thus far, I was right- so I said, "I'll take the biggin'". Beebs woke everyone up at 7AM with her howling scream because "she's being mean to me" and it was on!

***I had to do bills this morning and the stack was getting VERY thick, but I had procrastinated long enough. Damn, it's depressing draining a bank account by paying bills.

***Yesterday was a tough day for me. Lots of tears. No real incident- just feelings of overwhelmed/not being able to keep it together/inadequacies/my kids won't shut up. My husband works a lot and when he's home "he's tired". He hates it when I say it, but for all intents and purposes- I am a single mom. To 5 kids. 4 that I birthed and 1 that I married. Don't get me wrong, the 45 year old keeps the ship running by bringing home a paycheck- and he won't let me forget it!!! I don't want to get all introspective, but sometimes I just want to tell him "I'm tired too, and I deserve a raise-dammit!" I'll shut up now.

***I'm not cool. Sometimes I forget that- if you ever hear me say "Tru-dat", FO SHO, or add the suffix "izzle" to ANYTHING- please slap me!

*** Google Analytics is a site that keeps track of traffic on blogs. It's also a fool proof way to be entertained by seeing what keyword searches your blog has been found through.... this person stayed for 6 pages...

"milfs experimenting licking face and pussy while working out at the gym"

Did the small font make it any less crass? Probably not. I'll have you know that I pasted and copied- I didn't even want to type that because then I imagine it and then I don't want to go to the gym anymore because you already hear horror stories about Staph infections that circulate at the gym and I think this brings to another level!

***Curious, why is the word "internet" not on spellcheck- did I miss something??

***Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died. Sad. Sure, Michael was a freak show, but he was an icon- he pioneered pop music. And if you didn't dance to him in the 80's or sing along with his music at some point in your life, then your religion doesn't allow you to be using that fancy E-lectricity it takes to run the computer you're reading this on- so grab your bonnet and be on your way. Give the dude his props- that's all I'm saying. And as for Farrah, she was gorgeous, the documentary about her was lovely and heart-breaking- but she was a freak show for a while, too- you can't tell me that broad wasn't souped up on something when she was on David Letterman. But I digress, they are both gone, that is sad. They have both left behind family, friends, and fans that will miss them. Have some respect.

Dear Elves...

2009-06-25T07:49:00.001-07:00

Dear Keebler Elves,

I try to eat right. I do. I buy your cookies for my kids. I know, everyone says that, but I really do. If I'm being honest, yours are not my favorite cookies in the world- I can pass on them. Unfortunately, when I'm trying hard to eat right and your cookies are the only ounce of chocolate that I have in the house, there are bound to be moments of weakness. They're so small that I think I'll just sneak into my kitchen and get ONE cookie and solve my chocolate fix. Therein lies the problem.

First, I don't eat just one. They are very small. Do you have some kind of proportion scale you use in the baking tree? Is it made for elves? Because let me tell you, those cookies are too small for human consumption of just ONE!

Next, the packaging. Do elves have good hearing? Because your packaging is the loudest packaging in the universe and not conducive to sneaking a snack in the middle of the night. I give you EXHIBIT A:

Yes, I filmed that by hold a camera between my chin and my chest- I have mad skills!

Anyway. My point is... you should make your cookies slightly larger and look into a different kind of packaging- maybe something more recyclable- going green is all the rage these days.

Oh and another thing... which came first Grasshoppers or Girl Scout Thin Mints? 'Cuz if you guys had that idea first, you should really think about suing the asses off of those little girls- they taste exactly the same! But if the Girl Scouts were first, you should be ashamed of yourself, really, stealing from little girls? The package that I ate (that's right, I said package- but, seriously- they're small and minty, like a breath mint, so, really it's like eating a package of Breathsavers. Dipped in chocolate.)anyway... the package I ate yesterday was good and I didn't have to wait to be bothered by a little girl knocking on my door, then wait 3 months to get the over-priced box of cookies- so kudos- even if you did steal the idea.

Your friend,
Tena
P.S. vote for my BEWBS #09- Top three get prizes and I want to win some sexy undies- I've been teetering in 5th and 6th place. You can vote everyday until July 30!

BlogHer Anxieties- Part One- I'm sure there will be a sequel!

2009-06-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

For those of you not attending BlogHer, my apologies. For those of you that are jealous of me going and/or sick of me talking about it, understandably, sorry, but suck it up, or you might want to move along because this will be, yet, another...

So, you may know it has been almost 15 YEARS since I have been out of the house without my kids and/or husband (groceries, Great Clips for crappy haircuts and couple hour trips to the mall to use my free Victoria Secret Panties coupons do not count- though even those trips made alone- have been few and far between!) I figured I was due. So I have made the executive decision to go to a blogging conference (and by "conference" I totally mean girl's drunken getaway)- against my rumbling tummy and racing mind's wishes.

At first the excitement was insurmountable- images of me socializing with other bloggers that I have enjoyed for the last year with a fancy umbrella drink surgically attached to my hand, rocking a karaoke microphone with the other- I was giddy. Then I had to deal with the first reality of it... telling my husband (AKA- anxiety boy) that I was going, who would I stay with, how would I get there, what will I wear?

My husband was cool with it- 3 months ago- when he was horny. I'm sure he doesn't remember, but I'm willing to put out the night before I leave just to shut him up- I'm a whore like that.

Then, two amazingly talented heavy hitters in the blog world opened up their room to me- under the stipulation that I not be too hot- duly noted by my diet of ice cream and cookies thus far this summer and the conference date falls on my monthly which guarantees at least two huge embarrassing zits-too hot? No worries. It was the least I could do to 'let myself go' as payment for allowing me to tag along and e-mail them constantly with the most idiotic questions. I'm the little retarded girl going to her first sleep away camp- but, I will do everything in my power to NOT wet the bed- I swear!

However, Anissa has scared the shit out of me with this recent downer...

you're going to feel overwhelmed and CRAZY disappointed at the number of
times people look at your name tag and look away cause they have NO IDEA who you are...
Back to reality... no one is going to know who I am- seriously- what a bummer! It's so true! Now I'm having panic attacks about being the girl standing in the corner popping my zits!

I'm thinking The Bloggess has the right idea with the"confidence wig" or hiding in a bathroom stall- whichever!

BUT NO- Screw that! I cannot let this trip be in vain! I deserve it too much. To ensure that it will not, I have decided also...

Mr. Lady and all the cool kids are doing it so why don't you? We can bleed and medicate ourselves together!

On to what to wear... Anissa in all her blogging conference wisdom suggested...

Wear comfy shoes and pack aspirin...lots and lots of aspirin

OK, I can do the aspirin, but...with all due respect and I love you's and I know my feet will be bleeding but FUCK THAT! A girl's gotta have her limits and everyone knows that comfy shoes just ain't cute... so...

For the love of Christ, though, if you see me...

Have pity on my crazy ass and come and say "hi" to me, won't you???

Anissa and Brittany have been very patient and have offered up much wisdom- like "bring business cards and RSVP for parties"- who knew? I hope they don't mind being greeted by open mouthed kisses that reek of chocolate and fruity liqueur from this grateful, clueless, mess of a woman! Or maybe just a hug- but not too tight because Britt's boobs might be engorged and I'm considerate like that- and breastmilk stains. But if they are engorged, hopefully her shirt will become tent-like and create a place for me to hide and sneak into the Social Luxe Party (that I didn't RSVP for in time and I've heard will have awesome swag!) while she accepts her award for The Funniest Blog- if you haven't voted for her, yet- get your ass over there now and do it!

Purely hypothetical

2009-06-16T08:17:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time there was a girl that sowed her wild oats- who are we kidding- she was a downright slut. She was in college and, though she may not have been as discretionary as she should have been, that's what needy, approval seeking, sorority girls did in the early 90's. She got it out of her system and by the age of 24, relatively unscathed by venereal diseases and unplanned pregnancies (OK, one unplanned pregnancy), she settled down with one man and never looked back (OK, maybe she looked, but she never touched- inappropriately.)

Fast forward... 1o years or so... the girl meets new friends. Young couples with kids and many things in common. Shared many fun times. Sadly, everyone moved away and went down their separate paths.

Fast Forward again... 4 more years... couples reunite to catch up. Have a nice time, but something unusual transpires. Not necessarily "swinging" since there was no exchange of bodily fluids, but showing off new implants led to nudity and uncomfortable fidgeting and mind racing to find excuses to flee by girl's husband. Since girl was never a prude, she laughed it off and went home with her hyperventilating husband. It was harmless, really, and entertaining, in fact, for the time that girl was there. If life and pregnancy and plastic surgeons had been more kind to her, who knows, she may have ended up exhibitioning for the photos herself. Alas, time has been cruel and girl's National Geographic boobs with elephantitus aereolas did not need to be out for show!

Although the couples had many things in common when they met- being young families- there was one very different thing- girl's new friends were all married to their high school sweethearts. The men that they met when they were 13-15 was the only man they had ever been with and the ones that they vowed to be with for the REST OF THEIR LIFE! They never experienced another man's touch, heartbreak of being single and finding a nice man to rebound with!

In an ideal world, this sounds very storybook and sweet. But this completely hypothetical scenario, of course, is to show you that the human seeks variety! This story was purely made up and certainly if the girl had photographic evidence sent to her to support her story- that would NEVER get out because girl does not wish to be found out by "new" friends or pervs searching the web for hot mom's with implants.

And yet, the silver lining, the "sign" that girl had been waiting for to push her to go on an upcoming trip, "new" friend's "Adult Pool Party" evite arrived today- on the same weekend girl will be out of town! Avoiding all uncomfortable excuses and made up lies- girl will be going to BlogHer!

This and That

2009-06-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

The pinched nerve/strained neck muscle/spasm pain has subsided. The muscle relaxers were not as magical as I might have wished- so much so- I have stopped taking them and have LEFTOVERS! The doc got my hopes up in the office when he prescribed them- warning me to tell everyone in my house before I was going to take them and that I might become a little loopy- you can imagine my giddiness... unfortunately, I just fell asleep- which I suppose is better than that insomnia crap, but not nearly as fun as loopy! Thanks for your well wishes, but next time- send names of stronger drugs than Cyclobenzaprine.

I saw a very young (and handsome) doctor. Even though I felt old, I found comfort in the fact that even with an extreme poorwhitetrash/ghetto-style teenage knock-up-he could NOT be my child. So I have that going for me! When I start finding kids that could actually be my own, "attractive"- you will definitely need to slap the Mary Kay Letourneau out of me!

I am currently in my house- alone- quite possibly for the first time- ever. My husband is at work and my kids are at Vacation Bible School. I even volunteered my 14 year old son up to teach- because it would be good for him. And I wanted some alone time. And I may have exaggerated slightly on his required "service" hours that allowed him to graduate from Catholic school and I am nothing if not a slave to guilt! I figure it's not as bad as the "Science Camp" punishment I signed him up for last summer!

The quiet in this house is deafening and beautiful! It is raining so hard that my basement quite possibly is flooding. My dog is running amok through the house and just came out of my bathroom chewing on a tampon applicator- from the trash can- used! But I am still enjoying my time.

I'm wondering how exactly I am going to get a fresh stool sample from my dog for his vet visit at 1:00- when I have NO INTENTION of walking outside in this monsoon- though not encouraging my dog to poop in my house, this would be the ONE time that I may not mind it terribly- is that wrong?

I brought my daughter to a friend's house for a sleepover yesterday. I had never met the parents before so I stayed for a while to talk to the mother. She is from Boston and has the funnest dialect! As my son said, "she was chatty." I'd like to say that I was just being polite, but I stayed there for over 2 hours and enjoyed our conversation immensely! She knows my life story- probably too much. She was very welcoming and kind, but it did make me realize- I NEEDED SOME ADULT CONVERSATION for Christ's sake! It has been a long time!

I had used blogging as my outlet and interaction for so long and have gotten out of the habit. Non- bloggers (or people that have a life outside of the home) would probably not understand or may even feel sorry for me or think I am pathetic- which is completely true- however, it worked for me.

I'm still psyching myself out for BlogHer. I need some ~~nudging~~ shoving and encouragement and heavy petting! I'm freaked out... going away for the first time, leaving the kids in my husband's care (that's a relative term), my house, and the dog- I'm seriously breathing heavy and getting shaky just thinking about it! Not to mention, I'm still wondering how my husband is going to react- scared even. He was originally on board, I'm pretty sure out of guilt, but nonetheless, he told me to go and I signed up. I'm about 95% sure he thinks that I have forgotten or "gotten over that phase". I wish I had a real life friend to go with me- that would make it an easier pill for him to swallow- if I could only GIVE him an actual pill to swallow! I can understand how weird it seems to go and meet up with "cyber friends"- if I wasn't brainwashed myself, I'd think I was a freak (more than normal!) Any real life friends that are reading this- how about a trip to Chicago in late July?

I have told my husband's Aunt and she was very supportive and said that she would come to the house and help with the kids (and my husband's Tena withdrawals)- I'm hoping her offer still stands. But as it gets closer, I'm freaking out even more! Take a deep breath! I've not made travel arrangements yet- I think that is my defense mechanism/avoidance/ back out plan... so here is where you all need to slap me across the face and yell, "snap out of it, woman!" Discuss.

One thing leads to another

2009-06-06T07:18:00.001-07:00

Do you ever imagine that your head is a teleprompter and all of your thoughts are on a constant loop (hope that's not just me- cuz it sounds a teensy bit paranoid now that I say it)...

Anyway... if I could copy and paste my 8 million thoughts from last night, I think everyone would be worried- like "call in the white coats" worried!

First, I couldn't sleep. Insomnia. Me! I NEVER have insomnia. I love sleep and get it whenever I need it and can sleep anywhere- cars, floors, I even fell asleep at a Whitesnake concert once without drugs- don't judge- it was the 80's back before Tawny Kitaen was a Celebreality whore and she was still hot- and I was tired! Now I sound slightly narcoleptic, but I assure you, I don't sleep when I shouldn't like driving or sex or eating- that would be criminal!

Although I have the OCD, I'm uptight, I like a clean house yada yada yada... I have never had anxiety. I am a logical, thoughtful, reasonable person. I have never really feared anything- just deal with it as it comes. Now, my husband has enough anxiety on his crazy plate to last us a lifetime of meals! Tornadoes, carjackings, kidnappings, childhood cancer, car accidents caused by flaming fireball meteors- if there is a worst case scenario- he has thought of it, pondered it, expected it and let it bring him into a cold sweat on many occasions.

This has been my cross to bear for 13 years. He's not a therapy/medication man- I've beaten that horse- so it has been my responsibility to seek help to figure out how to react to him and not complicate it. My reaction, or lack thereof, has improved his condition throughout the years greatly. Not enabling him to get worse or use comfort as a crutch. I made an effort when the kids became school age. I didn't want them to be the weird kids held back from activities because of their nervous Nelly dad! It was hard, but I think it has paid off for a life of relative normalcy for my kids- considering we're such a mess!

I neglected something along the way, though. Me. I wanted so badly to make sure my kids had a life and would not be omitted that I fought his anxiety and overcame it quite well for them, but, I, now, have no life. Who knew this anxiety was contagious? I am now fearful of his reactions to me having a life and in turn- now have paralyzing anxiety and insomnia, to boot!

As I sat wide awake with my racing thoughts at 4am, staring at the ceiling, I felt a a shooting pain down my neck. FUCK! A pinched nerve! I've had these before and they are a mutha! I don't know how it happened or how to take care of it. I called the Dr. and can't be seen for 2 weeks. However, the only comfortable place? Sitting upright at my computer chair! Lucky for you and the psychological case studies that may be beginning - I may just be back to blogging because I can't really do much of anything else!

I also won't have to go to the "Mom's Football Camp" at my son's school today- since I'm immobile- and here, I was worried about my incontinence when I'd take a hit- problem solved. Now, if I could get my hands on some muscle relaxers I could get back to my anxious insomnia!

Thanks for your patience

2009-05-31T21:26:00.000-07:00

I feel a little pukey. It's anxiety and possibly a touch of the pig shit going around. I've been sick and phlegmy and constipated and altogether sexy with a capital "S" for two weeks now! I'm pretty sure the bug is passing (sadly through my bowels- but on the bright side- relieving the constipation- I'll stop now).

I'm fairly confident that the lump in my throat is due to the anxiety of getting back online and embarrassing myself by sharing such "movement" details. It's been so long since I've done this my passwords have been deleted- which just makes me nervous. The computer doesn't even remember me- will anyone else?

Back when I had actual responsibilities (other than the under-rated duty of keeping 4 kids fed mac 'n cheese counts, alive happy or not, and safe even if from my own hands)- I remember this feeling- after a weekend off or, god forbid, an actual VACATION- of doubtfulness that I would remember how to do things or do them wrong when I got back.

My palms are actually sweating at the thought of attending BlogHer! I know, I'm a loser and I must get out, but I'm a mess about it! Plus, I don't know that I see myself as a "blogger" anymore.

I'm hoping this little rant will serve as some training wheels and get me comfortable again, but I'm feeling awfully wobbly!

Mother's Day... on a Budget

2009-05-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

You may be wondering where I have been or probably not give a crap- whatever. It is still May and free time is a luxury. In the next 2 weeks we have 7 games, 10 practices, Spring band concert, kids' "Spirit Day" and parade (which I need to make costumes for), and my son's 8th grade graduation festivities- shoot me now!

I am in full "Mommy Mode". Mostly because I don't have time to stop and complain about it. I can't believe that I am actually looking forward to school being OUT! That's so not like me. I am a consequential person- I always think of the cause and effect. I never look forward to school being out because I know it will just mean entertaining the kids, feeding them, tending to them, and inevitably breaking up 12 fights per day! This year has been a tough one, though, and I am looking forward to not having to worry about tests, meetings, field trips, and getting cranky kids to school by 7:45AM. I'm sure when I catch my breath (by the first week of June), I will change my tune!

Not wanting to waste all this positive mommy mo-jo- I bring you highlights from my Mother's Day- albeit really late!

What Mother's Day Looks Like in a Recession:

First-
from my husband...

It may seem like, well, nothing. But first you must know that he is NOT technologically inclined. At all. This took him about a half an hour to compose from work- that meant a lot- so much so- that I didn't even MENTION the grammatical errors- big of me- I know! It's also a step in the right direction from last year and previous years where all I got was "you're not MY mother!" Baby steps.

Layne and Beebs got artistic and created my likeness out of clay...

This one's Beebs (4)- I like it, obviously because I seem quite tall and thin and I'm that superficial!
This is Layne's (8)- really a more accurate depiction, shorter and rotund in the middle- my husband thought it was a squirrel!

This is from my 10 yr old. I have no idea where she got the charm. It's sweet and I didn't want to burst her bubble- I just hope she didn't shoplift for me! She is known as being our little poet- watch out Hallmark!

Finally, my 14 yr old son. The one who has been BEGGING to let him spend his money that he has been saving on a new i-Pod Touch. He actually GAVE me his i-Pod. I would have thought it was a lame ploy just to get me to the store- but he actually snuck onto my computer and downloaded all my pictures and my play lists onto it! So if it was a lame ploy- it worked- I drove him to WalMart that afternoon- what a sucker! His card is classic... "I'll try not to mess up anything" ... too bad it's only once a year!

Friday Fragments

2009-05-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

It has been a very busy week so an abbreviated Friday Fragments... join in and visit Mrs.4444...

***End of school hysteria has officially begun. My calendar is sooo overloaded- I'm taking it one day at a time otherwise my head would explode.

***Thursday was "May Crowning"- a day Catholics use to honor Mary. At our school, the 2nd grade First Communicants process in their fancy garb and lay flowers at the statue and then the 8th grade Conferments do the same... so that's two kids that had to be dressed up yesterday morning and at school by 7:40- with flowers. That was a tall order... I forgot about the flower until the last minute and had to run through my garden while the dewy grass soaked the bottoms of my dress pants and my heels sunk into the ground and got muddy. The only flower that was suitable was a lilac- which my daughter is horribly allergic to- sorry, dear!

After mass, the 2nd grader's stick around for class pictures- this was my daughter's class- they all looked so cute!

*** Last night was my son's Confirmation- 129 kids- it was a LONG night...2 1/2 hours!

They have to pick a Saint's name as their Confirmation name. I loved going through the program and seeing which names they picked- some of the stand-outs... Mungo, Bibiana, and Peregrine- who knew?

I suggested "Lawrence" for my son because it is a family name. He then had to research St. Lawrence and do a report on him. St. Lawrence was persecuted for helping the poor and put to death in a cauldron over coals- he is the patron Saint of BBQ! I AM SO NOT KIDDING!

*** Stepping onto my pet peeve soapbox... To the people that own farmland surrounding my kid's school...before you spend hundreds of dollars on a campaign and put signs all over the neighborhood- hire me as a proofreader- I'm cheap... Sign reads...

"NO Eminent Domain. Protect "Town's Name" and it's Special Interest"

"It's" is a contraction NOT a possessive. Thank you.

*** Kelly Ripa gets on my last damn nerve! Since she has become a 12 year old boy, though- she really grosses me out!

However, I do enjoy a good Regis and Kelly Mother's Day program! I watched it today at the gym and before I knew it- I had run 7 miles! And I was crying! So there is her redeeming quality, but that picture still grosses me out- I'm pretty sure with some photo shopping- that could very well be my son's body!

*** Happy Mother's Day to all you Muthas out there!

MUST WATCH TV

2009-05-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

I have a new love. It's NOT my DVR, although, we WERE brought together BECAUSE of my DVR (which FYI- my DVR is called MOXI and it's through my cable and it records my shows and that's great and fine , but as I understand it, it's not as smart or capable as TIVO, but bygones. However EVERY FLIPPING TIME I press a button on this new system, it has this obnoxious click- and it's loud! I will be willing to do questionable things in exchange for anyone telling me how to get rid of that click!)

My new love is Tuesday night television. The DVR has allowed me to watch 5 straight hours of mostly unadulterated and commercial free TV in a row when I get home from my night of bullshit, I mean practices!

AMERICAN IDOL

As you may know, I am a big American Idol fan- I've always watched it- so that's a given!

I know that Adam is a love him or hate him kind of guy- I hate him- however- from the second I saw him- I insisted I would hate him less if he sprung out some flaming Zeppelin like he did last night- so - there you go- I hate him less. I think he's talented, but should be on a theater stage. Doing jazz hands. Very gay jazz hands. I've grown to love Kris in completely inappropriate ways as he is married and too young for me, but damn! I don't remember him being so cute when this show started! Danny- yeh- he can sing- his wife died- boo hoo- I'm over it- send him home! And finally, Allison- MY FAV- has always been. I get goose bumps and have been made fun of on occasion for shedding tears when she sings!

THE BIGGEST LOSER

Who couldn't like this show?? It's so damned inspiring-I can't tell you how much guilt I've had for eating ice cream during this and swearing to work my ass off in the gym the next day- doesn't always happen, but I have really good intentions and I owe it all to this show! I've also watched this since it started and saw a rerun of the first season recently and it was pretty lame back then- now those fat asses kick ass and take names!

I hate "the game"! I like to see the people change their lives and when a fat person gets sent home because of the game- it REALLY pisses me off! Take Kristen- she was doing so well and I wanted her to stay because she still had a long way to go, but backstabber man boob king, Ron played "the game"! URRG!!! Tara is a machine. There's no two ways around it! Do I like her- no! I must admit I appreciate how many times they have to bleep her Long Island profanity, but she just urks me. But I have to give her her props and if she wins- she totally deserves it! AND Jillian calling her "TAURA" makes me CRAZY! Helen, again, good for you, you're 48 and now you're skinny, but BITCH... you sent your fat daughter home so you could get a tight ass? That's fucked up- how you got this far- I will never know- YOU MAY NOT WIN- I SAY SO! Finally, Mike, I love you and I was amazed at how you became "HAWT" to me in an illegal, cougar prey sort of way after your makeover- who knew that was underneath there? I can't wait to see you all buff and tan for the finale and I'm totally pulling for you, dude!

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK

I know there are a lot of sites that talk about this, so I'll keep it short. I still love Bethenny. I don't think it's a coincidence that Kelly could be a man's name- he's a bitch! I can take or leave Jill, Luann, and Ramona- sometimes they rub me the wrong way, but sometimes I enjoy them! BUT SWEET BABY JESUS- why oh why have I grown to like Simon and Alex this season- please tell me it's not just me??!!

CUPID

Oh man- if you have not caught this show- YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT! It's so cute! I have a goofy perm-a-grin smile the whole time I watch it. Bobby Cannivale is great in it and so fun to watch!

The one where I piss off some people

2009-05-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

I have censored myself on this here blog for a while. Sure, I use the occasional four lettered profanities when I deem them necessary, but there is one word that runs through my mind quite often that I have stopped using.

Back in the day when I started this, I explained my love affair with the word "retarded". I get that it's inappropriate and that I'm a bitch, whatever. I used to use it constantly, but a friend that is an Occupational Therapist put me in my place. I am now more discriminatory about my usage. I usually use it to describe myself, dogs and incidents. And sorry, but sometimes- it's just the PERFECT word!

I used it about 6 months ago in a post and was reprimanded by a reader who had a child that was "mentally disabled" (I like this term to describe people with lesser abilities.) I felt like total shit and have not used it in my blog since. However, I have to be honest and admit that I use it in my head daily! I have made an executive decision to reinstate the crazy shit in my head on this blog and use the word again- also that reader was so pissed at me that she never read me again! I swear on chocolate that I am NOT mocking anyone that has a disability!

"Little People" used to be called "midgets". Then, one day, they realized that the word "midget" was just silly as a blanket description of people of short stature, though a thoroughly kick ass adjective. I'm hoping that people start thinking that way about the word "retarded".

I also enjoy "gay" as a descriptive word. And I TOTALLY love gay people- hell, if I wasn't such a fan of hetero- sex- I'd be one!

Anyway...

My daughter is home sick with swine flu- or probably just allergies. The people that are freaking out about this pig shit and buying masks- RETARDED!

We had 3 rain outs this weekend- so I did a lot of lurking on Facebook, but still stand my ground that I will NEVER become one of those people that update their "status" several times a day because that is RETARDED!

People on FB that take "quizzes" to see what kind of designer handbag, character in a tv show or brand of tampon they are- RETARDED!

May 2 was our dog's 1st birthday- this is COMPLETELY RETARDED!

Friday Fragments

2009-05-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

Lookey here- two post in two days- we're on a roll, folks! Here are my Friday (weekend) Fragments... join in with your own at Mrs.4444's place!

***I just received this from the school...

Disrespect/insubordination

Description: During All School Mass, a student who read petitions was mocked by Gabe when he pulled back the corners of his eyes to imitate her Asian features. Additionally, Gabe spent a significant amount of time talking during Mass.

He's dead. Just sayin'! I'm open for suggestions on a punishment!

*** Just to add some balance and prove that all of my children aren't evil... this was my daughter last weekend in all her angelic-ness

***I have come to the realization that my new haircut only looks good from the back. That sucks since I can't walk backwards all of the time- I've tried. I came to this conclusion when I saw the pictures of my misfit family taken at the First Communion. I couldn't decided which picture was the lesser of two evils... in one I'm running my mouth and probably barking orders, but at least my humongously inappropriate cleavage was not showing!

***Ironically, the same week that urine has infested my olfactory system (still having a problem with it, by the way)... I found out that yesterday was "Sense of Smell Day"- weird, right?

***My tongue is still numb from the filling I got yesterday- that can't be normal.

***Lunch... Mediterranean Minestrone- YUM!

***This water is yummy-Aqua Fina Flavor Splash- if there is something in it that's slowly killing me- keep it to yourself!

*** I'm "following" Bethenny from Real Housewives of New York City on Twitter. I'm pretty excited about it and I want her to respond to me- so please excuse my tweets if and when I sound desperate- I have a bit of a chic crush on her!

*** My fertile cyber friend Brittany over at Musings of a Barefoot Foodie squeezed, yet another human out of her over-active vag last night. I want to welcome Baby Foodie Gigi Marie to the world!

God wants me to lose weight

2009-04-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

It's been one of those days... one that not too much goes right. First, you should know that I've become that woman who blames her weight issues on a self diagnosed thyroid condition (no reason except I'd like to be able to eat again)- it's quite sad and I'm not proud. I've been working out everyday and eating all the right foods, but not losing weight, which totally sucks ass.

Last night, I had a moment of weakness and desperately needed to numb my pain with something sweet. The only thing I had in the house was a package of M&M chocolate chip cookies- shut up- they're for kid's lunches- and don't worry, God punished me. One M&M just wouldn't crunch and seemed unusually hard- so I spit it out to find it wasn't an M&M after all. It was a very large chunk of silver filling from my tooth. JOY! I saved it in a plastic baggie because I'm a masochist like that- I also enjoy popping zits!

I called the dentist's exchange at 7:30AM and went to the gym while I waited for him to get into the office. After I was done at the gym, still no word from the dentist, so I picked up a few things at the grocery store. On the way home from the store, I decided to call again... it was 9:32AM

Receptionist: He didn't receive the message. The only time we can fit you in is 10:00- can you be here by then?

Let's see- I have a car full of groceries and I am 45 minutes away from his office... however, I know that the office is closed on Friday so...

Me: Yes, I can be there by 10!

I go home to drop off a few things and rush out the door only to be alerted of my EMPTY gas tank! I have to stop and get gas, but don't have time to fill it up, so I put in $7.00. I race to the dentist's office and sit in the chair (late) and let the torture begin. The dentist hit a nerve in my tongue with the shot and I felt like I was being electrocuted! I was fine and the tooth was filled- all was good with the world. Except after all that driving, I needed gas again. An hour and a half earlier, gas was $1.84- now, it was $1.99!

Fast forward- 3 hours- go to pick up the kids from school... the Novocaine is just now starting to wear off and my speech impediment is starting to fade. My daughter then informs me that 2 girls in her class were found to have lice today!

My conclusion is that God is trying to get my attention off of wanting to eat- he REALLY wants me to be thin! I get the hint... I've checked my girls' hair and no lice... I have one final request... a bargaining with God, negotiation, prayer- call it what you like...

Dear God,

My kids had lice 3 years ago and I've never lived a worse hell! I spent hundreds of dollars and found way too much information online about how lice nowadays are immune from over the counter medication and are very hard to kill. Not to mention the concept of putting poison all over my kids' heads invokes the scent of "Mother of the Year" awards! I will do WHATEVER you want if my kids don't get lice! Please, please, please?

Pissed

2009-04-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

I am a FREAK about smells! If I don't like the way a food smells- I WON'T eat it! Cheese, broccoli, fish, and onions- they all stink- I don't eat them. I have a very sensitive nose and can smell ANYTHING! I am often seen walking through my house with my nose to the ground and on furniture to pinpoint the source of an unpleasant smell. My husband calls me the bloodhound.

Yucky smells make me crazy and I am currently on a wait list for the institution from today's excitement...

My 4 year old didn't make it to the bathroom after a nap (a very heavy nap that was nudged along by Benedryl since she couldn't breathe from allergies)... at least she made it to the bathroom tile before her bladder erupted. However, since I am ~~a bit high strung~~, ~~a raving lunatic~~ passionate about my house not smelling like urine, my daughter was afraid to tell me about the said accident and took it upon herself to "clean it up". Dragging towels along the bathroom floor and hiding the pee saturated clothing in her toy box! I swear- my gag reflex is churning from just typing this and I'm having some post-traumatic syndrome symptoms! The best part? I didn't "discover" the accident and subsequent "cover-up" until my 8 year old came home from school and stepped into the bathroom and slipped and fell in it!

I have run the dishwasher 3 times- with toys, and am on my third load of laundry. I have ruined 2 pair of shorts with bleach splatter, ordered 3 kids to take showers, given a 4 year old 2 baths, and myself a shower. The water bill should be fun this month!

BUT I am still walking around like a bloodhound! I can still smell it! I permanently smell urine running through my scent canal, I'm 95% sure it's in my mind, but it is driving me mad. Couldn't I just get the swine flu?

Friday Fragments

2009-04-23T18:54:00.000-07:00

I'm losing it. I have way too much on my plate now and every minute I remember another appointment, lesson, practice, or bill that I need to tend to- I'm screwed! Here are my fragmented fragments... join in with your own with Mrs. 4444.

***I have had one of the busiest weeks ever! All 4 of my kids are playing some sort of ball this spring/summer- what the fuck was I smoking when I decided this was a good idea- and can I have some more of it right now?? We have practice every night except Mondays and I'm quite certain my head will explode when I have to fit games in too! My husband drives me nuts when he's off, but I am actually counting the days until he's off of nights and here to chauffeur!

*** Getting ready for the Brunch that we are hosting on Sunday for about 40 people and kind of freaking out because that's what I do. Mimosas are waiting in the wings!

***This is the last week of April and I JUST remembered last year at this time one of the parents of an 8th grader at the school came to me and prepared me for my son's eighth grade year (as I was congratulating her daughter on her 8th grade graduation...)"It's so fun and bitter sweet, but, whatever you do- just forget about the whole month of May- it is soooo busy!" So, I guess it's just going to be getting worse.

*** Gave up on the sweet little Utopian "I'm letting my hair grow out for a bob" idea I had in my head and finally got all of my hair cut off- it had made it to my shoulders which is a record for me since children. Why? I have no clue- I look ridiculous with long hair- a realization that I get to when my hair gets about to my shoulders- guess I'm a slow learner. "Franz" of Hans and Franz fame cut it. I kid you not! He was a bulking dude with a thick German accent and Calvin Klein underwear very visible from his waistline- frankly, it was distracting. He was from Prague, had very broken English and gave me the "Victoria Beckham"- that was his quote. I just think I look like a boy, but I'm too tired and stressed to care about it. He punked out the back and slicked it in front- he kept saying "I like it messy in back and flat in front"- I couldn't help thinking it was a very mullet-like concept of 'business in front and party in the back'- and in my head he was muttering "I'm going to pump- you up".

***My husband is pissy because I blame everything on him- not true- I don't blame my contraction- like cramps that vibrate down my legs on him. I don't blame him for the fact that when I went to every store in the mall, I could not find ONE thing that I liked to wear this weekend (but secretly he does sabotage me eating right.)

HOWEVER, when this mother plucking sprinkler (that weighs about 100 lbs) fell on my finger causing enormous pain and the inevitable waiting game of my, now, black and purple thumb nailing falling off, I did blame it on him because the only reason I bought the stupid John Deere midget is because he told me I couldn't get the irrigation system installed- clearly HIS fault!

And after I unloaded groceries today and my trunk was still open and he closed the garage door on my trunk- wedging the two together like some mechanical locking system and I had a nervous breakdown because all my mind could see were the bills from fixing the garage door and the damage to the back of the car - plus the fact that they were totally stuck and I NEED my car and use of my garage and I'm having people over this weekend and I really didn't want to have to tear off my garage door because when doors to attached garages are kept open- that is one of my biggest pet peeves... I totally and completely blamed it on him! The thing that pissed me off the most was he kept his cool about it the whole time... "Don't worry, not a big deal, we'll fix it." This is ONLY because HE did it... had I done this, I would have been a dumb mindless broad who needs to get her head on straight!

***Can I just say that the hole in the crotch of Spanx creeps me out!

*** Weeds are the work of the devil. I worked in my garden yesterday and it's times like these when I miss my small city yard that I used to have. I pulled so many weeds that it feels like I was put through Chinese torture and someone tried to rip off all of my fingernails. I cut back my rose bushes and I resemble a sad little girl craving attention with my goofy haircut and a cutting problem.

***Have you ever been so tired that you feel drunk?

*** My mind is racing so much that I picture thoughts in my head like a Twitter Homepage...

@tenakim- It's sad when I don't notice that the Military channel has been on my TV for 2 hours.

@tenakim- I don't want to make kids' lunches!

@tenakim- DVR has confused me so much that I have forgotten to watch Real Housewives of New York- what is the world coming to?

@tenakim- Since I am not succeeding losing weight- I'm thinking of just gaining tons to go on Biggest Loser.

@tenakim- I'm hoping this Friday Fragments didn't run too long- I have a tendency of doing that- maybe I should stop before I piss people off.

Update

2009-04-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

I thought it was a smart idea to "bundle" my phone/internet/cable services. I was wrong. I had the phone hooked up last week and have been without a phone and computer on and off for the last week. Apparently my server is not strong enough to sustain both- they might have thought of that before asking me to sign up- bastards!

So, I'm writing this on borrowed time, as I await a call from a technician to do a costly service call to install a stronger server and hopefully be done before I have to pick kids up from school! JOY!

The computer and phone went down on Saturday- when I was getting ready for my sister's 80's party. I was going as an 80' punk. The technician showed up at my door 5:55pm... much to my children's chagrin, this is how I answered the door...

What you can't tell by this picture is that I have a pink and purple mohawk...

And kick ass Doc Martens...

I thought by answering the door in this garb (and acting totally natural and unapologetic) he would know to not fuck with me and FIX MY STUFF! I was wrong. He was covered in tattoos and had earrings all over his face. He called my bluff. He said there was a loose wire (there wasn't), he said he fixed it (he didn't)- and it went down again on Monday. So much for my plan!

The party was fun and I failed miserably on the picture front- sorry. This is one of my step- sisters, sister, and me... The one I'm standing next to is almost 6 ft tall and a professional sand volleyball player... note to self... never stand next to her in pictures again while NOT wearing heels! I had on so much make-up, it hurt. That's why I chose to drink Lemonade and Blue Raspberry UV- to numb the pain- I was wrong- I became a little tipsy.

My son stayed and watched the girls for the first time (notice my phone hanging out of my pocket- he called me several times.) I told him they could watch a movie and each have some candy or popcorn. My husband left for work at 7 and my son called me right after he left and said "dad said we couldn't eat". Anyone wanna take a stab at why? Because he was afraid they would choke!!! FA-REAK! I told him to just ignore him and call me if anyone started choking. He didn't call again and they were all alive when I got home.

Friday Fragments

2009-04-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap! It's been so long since I've done this, I think my cherry has grown back- so please be gentle. Join in with your own fragments at Half-Past Kissin' Time.

***Well, I'm not dead, if you were wondering. I'm really OK- I mean, I really could use a refill on my anti- anxiety meds, but that's beside the point. I won't bore you with details (stress, uninspired, just plain busy trying to figure out how to work my new DVR) why I haven't posted in a long time, I just haven't. I've been wrapping my head around other things and OCD patients don't make good multi-taskers. I really go balls to the wall when I get an idea in my head- currently working on my 20 year class reunion and getting in shape.

***My blogoversary came and went and I didn't realize it- so Happy Blog Birthday to me- 1 year on April 10!

***My sister's long awaited 30th birthday/80's themed party is this weekend. I have been dedicating a large amount of my brain to get ready for this, as well. Ebay, Amazon, thrift stores- I've been all around and am very excited. The costume is pretty fun- God-willing, I will post pics next week. I have learned that there is a fine line between 80's punk and the S&M look- this being a family party- I'm trying my best not to blur that line!

*** I am a Karaoke freak. I have 2 machines. I have a large catalog of songs. I have them at all of my parties and now my sister likes them at her parties. I had lost track of my new CD's and I have spent a lot of time this week updating my library for her party- I have over 500 songs! I have 6 hard copies of my 'catalog'- laminated and bonded- I AM A DORK!

***I don't have a babysitter for my sister's party. LOSER! Everyone I know will be there and my husband's family doesn't really babysit for us. I suggested to my overprotective husband to let my 14 yr old son watch the girls for a couple hours and then asking one of my parents to come over when they leave the party. Yes, my son fights HORRIBLY with my 12 year old daughter, but I am desperate- my husband's response? Didn't you see Changeling? Thanks a fucking lot Angelina Jolie! My husband has no grasp on reality and DID NOT need to know that story!

*** My cousins have found my blog because Ellen Degeneres told them to join Twitter- crazy, right? I have no idea how they found me! If you're reading- hi ladies! I have to say it's freaking me out- they were VERY complimentary and sweet- but, nonetheless, it's like someone peeking into your brain and knowing your secret thoughts, but I put myself out there, so I'm dealing- just promise to keep our agreement NOT to let my sister read it! Especially next week- I plan on posting a birthday tribute for her- full of unflattering and funny photos of her- it's all payback for her getting the skinny gene!

***Next week, my daughter has her First Communion and the next week is my son's Confirmation. I am doing a Brunch at my house on Sunday and will most-likely go overboard, like usual- so I'm having anxiety about that, too.

*** I have to get this off my chest- Facebook- it's a cool networking tool and voyeur site- yada, yada, yada...BUT if you want to tell me something- E-MAIL ME! I don't want everyone to be able to see my conversations- it's just weird!

*** So hopefully, this will serve as me"getting back on the horse", but I do have lots going on- so I'm not making any promises. Thanks to those of you that e-mailed me and checked on me- it meant a lot!

another school vent

2009-04-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

Let's just say that you pay nearly $700 a month for your kids to go to school. You don't love the school, but it meets basic learning requirements by the state and you feel kind of stuck since it was your stupid idea to send them there in the first place when you uprooted their life and moved and now you'd have guilt eating away at your festering soul if you made them change schools again.

Instead of selling yummy pizzas and pies or fabulously trashy magazine subscriptions as fundraisers, this school takes the more "practical" approach- socks and trash bags. I am not shitting you- our fundraisers this year were socks and trash bags!
The socks were ankle socks- originally thought to be 'out of uniform'. You're assured by the principal that since they were fundraiser socks- they were allowed. Let's say that your kids receive minor mark dress code violations for these socks!

When you are trying to load up a heavy box of trash bags that you sold, but the woman behind you in the parking lot has parked too close to open your trunk and you have no choice but to inch your car up a little, but inadvertently go in reverse and hit her car instead!

Then let's say that the report cards come home with the kids in the small manilla envelopes - not the large one- the small one!

... with a little warning for you to put a stamp on the envelope so they can be mailed at the end of the year or you will not get the report cards.

Let's just say that last year, out of principle of $1.26 for stamps vs. $6700 in tuition, you did not stamp these envelopes and your kids did not get their grades until 2 weeks before summer break was over when you went to the school and begged for them- they weren't bluffing.

Let's just say that this year, you're trying to not make your kids 'those kids with the loser mom that doesn't stamp the envelopes' and you went out of your way to the post office to buy actual stamps since you don't have them in your possession anymore since-oh, I don't know- EVERYTHING IS DONE ONLINE NOW!

So let's say this morning all of these envelopes are sitting on your desk with a note stating that they need, yet, ANOTHER stamp on them!

Hypothetically speaking, of course, how long does it take before you would stop shaking with anger and feeling like your head will explode?

A Break Up

2009-04-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

It's not you- it's me. I've changed. I used to enjoy our time together. The browsing. The window shopping. The pouring of hundreds of dollars into the economy while I swung pretty shopping bags back and forth in unison with my strut. It was freeing and therapeutic and, dare I say, fun.

The equation has changed slightly with the addition of the needy fruit of my loins that have not succumbed to the brainwashing as I had intended. A husband that nears spontaneous combustion in the confines of marble floors, gigantic potted plants, and lighting fixtures shaped as daisies. And a handbag that holds grocery store receipts, wet wipes, used Kleenex and hair bows instead of the beautiful cold hard cash money and limitless credit cards that my younger, more hip, guilt free spending purse may have contained.

Deep fried pretzels and giant warm chocolate chip cookies only work as a distraction for so long!

I gave you another chance yesterday- straight from the gym. I looked lovely. I smelled even better. You didn't judge me, though. Your automatic doors embraced my ripe ass just the same!

The trip wasn't without motive. I was searching for clothing for an 80's party. My love affair with the 80's is over! However, my sister's? Apparently not.

I've decided to go as Nancy Spungen of Sid and Nancy fame- in a sort of rebellion against neon and my youth.

I went into a boutique for women devoid of cellulite and breast tissue. The store reeked of eating disorders and daddy issues. I found a t-shirt and a jean skirt to try on.

The frail, famished salesperson looked like she was about to pounce on me like she could smell the cinnamon bagel on my breath," What size in the skirt," as she held up the size 7 that I could use as a turban!

Me: The largest you have. I have a bad thyroid. And I like carbohydrates.

I tried on a size 15 and it fit! Don't even get me started on that soapbox! At Ann Taylor a few minutes earlier- I was wearing a size 4- not comfortably or buttoned, but wearing nonetheless!!! The t-shirt was an X-large and I looked like an encased sausage- was sausage popular in the 80's? I hope so- because I bought it. If anyone knows where I can score some sweet black tar heroine so I could look all track-marky and emaciated- the tip would be much appreciated!

I then went into a store called Hot Topic to look for anything with spikes, skeletons or razor blades. As soon as I walked in, I'm pretty sure my brain hemorrhaged because my ears began bleeding from the screeching and howling coming from the speakers- fitting for my "fuck you- I have a bad attitude" costume, sure, but at the risk of sounding old- what the hell is with that??? On what planet did someone decide that was music?

So, yeah- mall- that's it- it's over. I can't do it anymore. I can't even pretend.

I think I'm going to stick with Target...I can shove the kids in one of those monstrosity 3- seater shopping carts... open up a bag of jelly beans to keep them quiet- that, God-willing, I will remember to pay for or they will finish before I check out and hide the packaging under a shoe rack... buy my tampons, ketchup, and a shirt that is kind to women with ~~backfat~~ curves, all from a non-pubescent lady with corn-rows that had a 3000 calorie breakfast and will not judge my on the basis of my cinnamon bagel breath!

Quiet, quiet, she's gonna say something...

2009-03-31T07:53:00.000-07:00

I love Forrest Gump. I cry like a baby and get goose bumps and my kids laugh at me every-single-time-we-watch-it. The only part I never liked was when he ran. I can hear the old lady on the bench "So, you just ran!"

I jumped into blogging just like Forrest waking up that morning to find Jenny gone and "just ran". There was no destination, no purpose, nothing to prove- I just felt like blogging.

Lately, I have felt like the heavy-bearded, long- haired Forrest running through the Sedona desert in his poncho with Jackson Browne's Running on Empty playing in the background.

I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go home, now.

I am definitely running on empty. This is not my swan song, however. The journey has been too great to just unlace my Nike Cortez that easily.

I'm still searching for my direction on this run and will let you know when I've found it.

KMBFBAG- recharged!

2009-03-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

I am not happy at a heavier weight- period. Some people can be- not me- I envy that in others. It invades every aspect of my being. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel. I hate having the struggle of finding something to wear and being out in public. I avoid invitations at every cost. I'm just not comfortable in my own skin when I carry extra weight.

I know this is not a good thing and is probably an extreme. I'm not sure if it's attributed to my being SO skinny until my 20's or my upbringing- my mom is a vain woman, too.

About 7 years ago, I was at my heaviest and my husband and I decided to hire a nutritionist. He owned a local gym and offered a program that guaranteed results. We were anticipating our first beach vacation to Florida and wanted to get 'in shape'.

For 3 months, we followed his dietary instructions and worked out exactly as he told us. It probably didn't hurt that he was a bulky beefcake and could crush us with his little finger- we did not want to let him down!

About half way through his program, we went to a party and were offered something that was not 'allowed' on our diet. I remember the woman that offered it asking why I was on a diet. I told her that we were going to Florida. She replied, as she figuratively sized me up,

"Last time I checked, they let people this size in Florida."

Can I tell you how much I love that girl? I wish I thought like her. Sadly, I do not!

After that program, I was in the best shape of my life! I dropped the weight and was quite the hard body (for a mom of 3, anyway). I loved shopping for my vacation clothes! I wasn't uncomfortable on the beach or in my skin.

I don't know if my body will ever get back to that place, but I am determined to try like hell! Back then, it was the trip to Florida. At the party I went to this weekend, I may just have stumbled upon my new driving force...I hadn't seen these friends in about 2 years. It was great to see them. There was more of them to see, too. Three of the 5 women got breast implants! They all look amazing and are looking forward to their summer parties- in the pool- wearing swimsuits-GULP!

Full force ahead, folks!

Last week, I followed the Sacred Heart Diet to a T. I did not have a loss of energy. I felt fine. I would have REALLY enjoyed a chocolate chip cookie, but beauty has its price.

I heard the horror stories about exploding bowels. I didn't have this problem either. Maybe a case of the shits would have rendered better results- I'm glad my body decided to take a pass on that, though.

I had gained a little and at the beginning of last week, was at 143. This morning, the scale read 138. Not the 10-17lb magic bullet that the diet claimed, but absolutely the progress that I needed to keep me going.

Starting Weight- 150lbs
Today's Weight- 138lbs
Total loss- 12lbs

How was your week?

Friday Fragments

2009-03-27T07:14:00.000-07:00

Very random, rushed, hopefully short and sweet fragments... join in with Mrs. 4444

***I have not wavered off of this diet ONE BIT! It has been hard. Especially when I was stupid enough to make brownies for a sleepover with my nieces and nephews! They smelled SO good! I have worked out 3 times this week and walked, I'm guessing, 5 miles at the zoo. Sadly, the diet has not been the silver bullet that I was hoping for- damn. 10-17lbs? Not even close- more like 1 or 2, so far. I have 2 more days left. I plan to keep going and see what the results are.

*** The diet has made me a bigger bitch than normal. I've been on edge all week!

***The zoo- we went to the zoo this week. I am not a fan of the zoo. Maybe I'm just an old cranky lady, I don't know. We walked about 5 miles during 3.5 hours and saw about 20 animals- big whoop. Animals stink. Kids are brats. Especially kids that are relatively unsupervised and came with their school. My son fell into the Camel's yard. He was sitting on the fence for a picture (that my sister was taking- because I suck) and he fell back, over and in and scratched the hell out of his back! My daughter- the rather clumsy one, tried to keep up with my nephew and son and jumped over a rock and fell on her face and nicked it up pretty bad, too. I'm not a fan of the zoo.

***I got DVR! I watch a lot of TV and I really WATCH it. NOT DVR or TIVO. Everyone has told me how great this little invention was and my cable company was offering a free package for a year so I'm giving it a go. I'm a creature of habit and I don't like it or get it yet. Hopefully it will grow on me.

***I have been very anxious this week- maybe it's the lack of carbs, or the loud kids, or the list of things 'to do' that won't stop. I have not been able to get around the blogosphere the way I like and feel very left out. Forgive me.

***We are going to a party this weekend with some old friends that used to be neighbors. I am very nervous. We all had so much fun together when we were neighbors. Then people started moving away. Some kept in touch and some didn't. I guess I'm hoping I don't feel left out and that not much has changed.

***My dog is the kind that NEEDS to be groomed! He has not been groomed in a couple months because my husband is bothered of the cost. I am sneaking him to a groomer today because he's beginning to grow dreadlocks and I'm beyond the stage in my life where it was cool to have a Rastafarian dog.

***GO MIZZOU! They made it to the Elite 8. I will be watching on Saturday to see if they can beat U-Conn to get into the Final Four- how exciting!

*** Twisted Lisa- I picked YOUR name out of my fancy pink bowl for my giveaway! Contact me and I will give you details. Congrats! It was totally legitimate- but I was completely rooting for you- YEAH!

Top 10

2009-03-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

My fab bloggy friend, Coco, is off jetsetting in Guatemala and she had a great idea to leave a post with links to her Top 10 ( tells your 'story' so there's no need to scrounge through archives.)

Since, I am on Day 4 of my recent hair up my ass idea, and don't have much energy to hold my head upright, much less, write something clever, and am 98% sure that I'm PMSing, and have my kids home for Spring Break, I thought it was a PERFECT IDEA!

So this is me...

One Household, Two Childhoods

Who Were You Expecting?

My 100th Post- Part 1

My 100th Post- part deux

Questions 67 & 68

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

My Fucked Up Fairy Tale

Step Inside My Sickness

To My Brother

Hold Tight- This Really Isn't All About Me

He Said, She Said

2009-03-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

Something fun, exciting and oh so romantic happened out here in blogoworld yesterday... follow the links... it's very sweet...

Although mine and my husband's courtship and engagement doesn't NEAR come close to these goose bump moments shared... I will play along...

I was a single mom of a 3 month old boy, working a job that I absolutely hated and wondering what direction my life was going.

Two dear friends of mine, "D" and "T", called and invited me to a join them for a Friday night happy hour. I sooo did not want to go! I was very self-conscious about my appearance and my situation and thought I had no place in a bar! I think it was their version of an intervention for really pathetic people that mope and feel sorry for themselves. They eventually strong-armed me into going.

One of their co-workers brought a friend. "D"and I both like this friend. He was charming and handsome- not funny- he thinks he's funny- he was NOT funny.

I, specifically, remember him wanting to know about my son- not only NOT being scared off by him, but wanting to know more. This could have, very well, been a ploy to get into my pants, but oh well.

As the night progressed, "D" and I were both being cautious to not step on one another's toes- and cock block, if you will, but, rather, let HIM make the choice.

Now, this is where the story gets tricky...

Here is my story...

God as my witness, I remember him brushing his leg up against mine under
the table and giving me a 'come hither' look. At the end of the night, his
friend came up to ME and told me that he liked me (and they were
not in 8th grade- they were 30!) and would like me to call him.
I never told "D" about the brush up on my leg or what his friend said- I
didn't want to look like a stealing ho-bag bitch or hurt
her. But in my mind, he had made his decision, right? A
couple nights later, with encouragement from my other friend, "T", I called
him. I still had not told "D" about any of it. We went out and
had a great time and continued dating. I told "D" when we
were going on our second date. She told me that she was very
hurt by me and felt that I was keeping this from her and, in a sense, lying
to her by not telling her up front. She was my college roommate
for 3 years, would have been in my wedding and, most likely have been
chosen as Godmother to one of my kids. She didn't speak to me for 5
years.

Here is his story...

Two broads were hot after me and I couldn't decide between them. They
both wanted me- bad. Tena called me and I went out with her. "D"
like me SOOO much and was so jealous of her stealing me that she broke
off their friendship. I have that kind of power.

I swear, if I have to hear 'his story' ONE MORE TIME at another wedding reception, party, bar, dentist's office, Bar Mitzvah, or Christmas dinner, I will puncture my throat with a fork! Or a toothbrush!

He's not a romantic, he still thinks he should be a comic writer (although HE'S NOT FUNNY!), he spits toothpaste all over the mirror each morning, his favorite past time is standing in front of an open refrigerator and napping on the floor next to the hum of the dryer.

He proposed to me at a Wendy's and put my clean, shiny, sparkling engagement ring in a ketchup container! Mine! The girl with OCD! Ring immersed in ketchup! I was completely grossed out.

When I got word of "D"'s engagement, in 2000, I sent her a card and told her how much I missed her friendship and that I was so sorry if she felt betrayed by me and that I wished her the best of happiness. She accepted my apology (and agrees with my accounts of the story, by the way).

We are once again the great friends we used to be and I think she thanks me for taking that bullet.

random tidbits

2009-03-23T20:36:00.001-07:00

A few years ago, around Christmas, the family was driving around and Celebrate Me Home by Kenny Loggins came on the radio. My daughter asked why they were "celebrating meatballs"?

A few weeks ago, we heard Donna Summer's Hot Stuff- and my daughter asked why they were singing about "pasta"?

On the drive to Church the other day, Falco's song, Amadeus was on the radio. My son asked if they were singing "hot potato".

I swear- I feed my kids! Maybe we need to make an appointment to clean ears.

Without fail- when at a restaurant- the server asks my husband if he wants "soup or salad" and he replies, "yes"- followed by blank confused stares from the server. Yes- my husband ALWAYS wants the "super salad"!

Yeah, I think it's time to make a phone call to the doctor to tend to our ears!

KMBFAG- spring break and a new plan

2009-03-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

Spring break is here. So is the greenish puke that is apparently the result of blue jelly beans, blue jello and blue icing at the Blue's Clues birthday party we attended yesterday. Joy.

I am in sterilization mode. My hands feel like the skin is going to shed any moment from the dryness and cracking from overused bleach. Joy.

I have failed miserably at my diet- but there is good news...

I was up all night last night and avoided the temptation of buying the In-Styler (even though I have very fine straight hair and this would not help me at all- I was still on the fence- and reaching for the phone and my credit card). I also passed on P9OX- because after the initial desire I had for the program and the frighteningly hard bodies that were in this infomercial- I decided the 'befores' were way out of my league. The ~~deceptive slime~~ sales people convinced me that I also have Adrenal fatigue- which I think means my kidneys are tired- and whose aren't? With their hard hitting questions like... do you gain weight after eating? Do you have a hard time losing weight? Is your ass larger than it was when you were 18? I was sure they had my ticket- luckily, that's when I started falling asleep.

I have gone to the grocery store and have all the ammunition needed for this- thanks Terri, who led me to it- please let me know if it works- if it doesn't, you may want to lie- just for my sanity.

I know I'm going to do well on the dieting front this week- because I'm a competitor. My husband has accepted the challenge. He is going to do his 'diet' (eat less chips and no ice cream- he's convinced that's the ONLY thing holding him back!) And I will do my Sacred Heart Diet. I will do anything it takes to beat him!

I have no idea how well it will work, but I am going to follow it to the letter- mostly because the ingredients were cheap and I like most everything on it-except fruit- as I'm choking down an orange- and I am determined to beat my husband, damn it! Also, I thought it would be good to find something other than my kids to blame my bad attitude on this week and since it's not that time of the month- this seemed like a good substitution.

I know I totally suck, but I really do plan to get back in your good graces this week. How was your week?

Friday Fragments

2009-03-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap- how did it become Friday already?! Here, once again, are my fragmented thoughts for you to ponder- possibly throughout the entire weekend- since I'm not much of a weekend blogger- so Friday Fragments here are really my Weekend Fragments... join in with your own at Mrs.4444's place.

***For people that have real jobs, I know, or least I've heard the old adage "Thank God It's Friday", but I don't get it? I understood when I was in school, but that was a long time ago. Now, Fridays just mean, loud needy kids that feel they must be entertained and fed, dragging dirt into my house, wearing lots of clothes that will need to be washed and the headache that won't go away caused by their constant fighting!

I haven't worked a real job with living and breathing people that earns money in over 10 years. When I did, I worked in retail management, which is just another word for modern day slave that deals with fashion or home goods instead of cotton.

I made a decent 40 hr week salary, but easily worked 60+ hours a week- including holidays, weekends, and evenings- no overtime pay. I was young and dumb and apparently bad at math. My husband is a policeman and when we dated and were first married, our schedules worked out really well. Neither of us had any concept of a Monday through Friday 9-5 job.

I'm so out of touch now that I gauge my days of the week by what's on TV- totally pathetic- I know! BTW- Catherine at Evolving Mommy has left me many comments when I ramble about TV that she doesn't own a TV? WHA?? I mean, good for you. But wow- I just don't think I could do it! You must think I am the biggest loser on the face of the earth- bless your heart!

My kids try to keep me apprised on the days of the week, "Mom, it's Tuesday, you need to pick me up in the office after Detention"... when what he really should be saying is, "Mom, American Idol is on tonight." Which, in turn would make me realize that I didn't watch AI the night before, so it must be the performance night, which would lead me to the conclusion that it is Tuesday and I must pick him up from detention- perfectly logical reasoning!

*** Don't forget to leave a comment as an entry for my giveaway- yeah, it's an adult toy website- don't get all prude on me- we all got pipes to clean (wise words from the Millionaire Matchmaker and her goofy bangs) I really expected more from my readers! After all, Google Analytics has listed keywords to get to this site as...

stroking boobs, Margaret Cho Atm sex (I've linked that if you are unsure what it stands for since I'm a giver, but NOT EVEN I would dream of that- so BEWARE!), Fairies get fucked, giggle and bounce girl boobies, and how to get my mom to meet my lesbian lover

How proud am I?

***If you read about my cheap ass sister before I SPRUNG my sexy giveaway on you, you will understand the predicament I'm in... Her 30th birthday is in a few weeks and I have no idea what to get her. My mom and her friends are making her a scrapbook of her life- she totally falls for that kind of shit. I could use some suggestions- I thought about a sex toy- that would embarrass the crap out of her and I think I would enjoy her humiliation- because I love her, of course.

***You may be familiar with my school 'issues'. My kids go to Catholic school- I don't love it- it's very strict- very expensive- and very, very Catholic. You are expected to go to Adoration and say the Rosary once a week. I have been Catholic my whole life, I even consider myself a practicing Catholic, but not to their standards. I feel there is a level of judgement due to my lack of 'commitment' and that bugs me.

My son has had issues because of what they consider 'bad behavior'- that's really not my concern anymore because he is going to a public high school next year. My concern is- my girls that will be in 3rd and 5th grade. I really wanted and had every intention to send them to public school next year. The cost was certainly part of the decision. My 10 yr old struggled with the curriculum earlier this year, but has come around and seems to have found her stride.

Anyway, the public elementary school district that we live in is a year-round cycle. They go to school for 9 weeks and are off for 3 weeks- year round. This has given me a lot of anxiety because I really wanted to go back to work and working around this funky schedule plus a high schooler and a preschooler- 3 different school schedules to work around and I'm kind of freaking out about it... just had to get that off my chest!

*** Today- half day at school- yuck. Next week- spring break- double yuck! Next week's blogging will be one extreme or the other- I will either be live blogging the entire week or locked in a closet crying and my desktop does not reach there- so it's just a crap shoot, really! So I guess I'll see ya when I see ya.

A review and an explanation of my lameitude- yes, that's a word I just invented.

2009-03-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

Who's been watching United States of Tara on Showtime? It's an amazing show. Back in the day, it was called Multiple Personality Disorder- now it's known as DID- Disassociate Identity Disorder (like when I was growing up- the bad kids were 'the bad kids' but now they have ADHD.)

Tara is a mom that suffers from this disorder and has made the decision to live without medicating. Therefore, in a sense, embracing the other 'characters'. Her husband, sister and 2 kids have become familiar with her 'alters' that include "Alice"- a 50's homemaker-Doris Day- on crack. "Buck", the flannel wearing male of the bunch- he's a bully in a protective sort of way. Then there is "T"- a 16 year old, promiscuous girl who hates all things structured and authoritative. They have just introduced "Gimme"- a new alter that is animalistic. The show is well-written and has amazing acting- especially Toni Collette- who embodies every ounce of each 'alter'!

I know there is a real disorder that this brings attention to, and I'm not trying to dismiss or downplay that. However, in the grand scheme of things, I relate to this show, a lot. I'm only slightly nuts, and my personalities don't have their own names, but that's really only because I'm not consistent. Really, she's got her shit together more than me!

Tara's alter characters make their entrance upon stressful situations. I have been known to morph into a multitude of crazies under stress. I feel the pull from many directions of having to be so many different things- the expectations of the world, I suppose.

I often wake up and wonder- who am I going to be today? Am I going to be the carefree mom that likes to laugh and help her kids with their homework, the clean freak that yells about dirty socks on the floor, the motivated woman at the gym who vows to eat nothing but salads until she smells cookies, the blogger that actually has something worthwhile to say, the blogger that offends readers and scares them off, or the friend that is just there to listen? And those were only Wednesday's characters!

I'm not sure who I am today or who I've been for the last couple of weeks, actually. Uninspired. Lazy. Just been going with the flow. Doing the least I have to- just to get by in life without the authorites being alerted.

I have always written what's on my mind. My mind has been pretty blank, lately. I have been watching a lot of television- not sure if that's good or bad- maybe not so good when I'm comparing myself with someone that has multiple personalities, huh? I guess it's a good thing The Soprano's is off the air.

I do have a giveaway right now- go here and leave a message- a winner will be picked Wednesday, March 25.

Some Like it Hot and Free

2009-03-18T09:28:00.001-07:00

My sister is the cheapest woman in the universe. I used to find it commendable- the deals she would find and the money she would save. I've never been the patient type to find GREAT bargains- I'm a knowledgeable enough shopper, I know the value of things, I read the ads, use the occasional coupon, but nothing fanatical. She and I used to be similar in our practical sense, but somewhere along the line, her thrifty ways have become extreme and mine have become more lax. I do enjoy a splurge once in a while. I like nice things. My sister HATES it- despises it- is completely contemptuous about self-indulgence. True story: for Christmas, my mom needed to spend about $25 more on her and asked her what she wanted... grocery gift certificates! My dad gave us Spa gift cards for Christmas- she can't fathom spending $100 on any 'overpriced' treatment- she's selling it on Craigslist!

Anyway, she gets these coupons for "5 FREE TANS" for a local tanning salon. Of course, the objective of these coupons are to get the ~~sucker~~ person in the door and up- sell them into a 'package', a membership, or ridiculously overpriced BRONZING lotion (I guess they can justify the mark-up because of its fancy name.)

I get it. I've done sales before. I know how to bullshit with the best of them. And usually, I completely fall for it. Not only because I'm a sucker, but I'm also a true believer in you get what you pay for and sometimes quality has its cost. Usually. Now, we're broke. I still have needs, just no dignity... I count out pennies for my one weakness-McDonald's coffee each morning- they freaking love me at that drive thru window!

My sister called me yesterday and said she had an extra coupon for tanning (she had an ulterior motive- I'd watch her kids while she goes and vice versa). Naturally, I accepted- it was free. However, I was afraid. I don't have my sister's frugal strength. I knew I was going to have to face the sales person and pass over the coupon. I was going to have to stand my ground- grit my teeth and say "no thanks- just give me the poor people free package, please." I knew I was going to be tempted by her fancy UV language and lure of glittery lotions that make your skin tingle!

I had to take one for the economically strained team and avoid that temptation and nostalgia that came over me when I walked in and smelled the char of burning flesh-I admit it- tanning bed skin smell takes me back to a simpler time when my only worries were venereal diseases, silencing my orgasm so my mom wouldn't catch me and if the effects of the drugs I took would wear off before I had to be at work.

I ignored the desire to become a slutty, misguided teenager again and JUST SAID NO. It wasn't without guilt, though. As my pasty naked body lie in the glass florescent tomb in puddles of my own sweat, I contemplated it. I was getting something for nothing and I felt cheap and ashamed about it! Damn it! I tried to avoid those slutty, misguided teenager feelings, but there they were!
Everyone likes getting stuff for free, right?

How would you like to be a slutty and misguided in the privacy of your own home (or your hot neighbor's, whatever)- FOR FREE- no guilt required? I won't even try to upgrade your purchase or sell you KY Jelly! No feelings of cheap shame (unless you like it like that!)

First-go to Eden Fantasys and look around. It's much less pressure than walking into the adult sex shops that have the dominatrix mannequins in the window- they totally freak me out- and they're filthy- and not in the good way. Like in the way where your shoes stick to the ground as you walk and your kind of grossed out wondering what's the cause of the goo under your feet since the shelves are lined with theatrical masterpieces like Sperms of Endearment, The Sperminator, and Free My Willy- makes you wanna go clean the bottom of your shoes!

On that website, along with earth shattering, life changing sex toys, you'll see a woman getting all hot and bothered by a Calla Lily- and who doesn't, but I want to know- what else gets you going... what keeps the fires burning for you?

Leave a comment- tweet the contest (leave me a link)- tell me what product you would like to help you heat up? You will get an entry for each.

The winner will receive one item of your choosing valued at $65 and under from Eden Fantasys!

Tuesday's Tribute

2009-03-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

Two words- Motivational posters.

KMBFBAG- BYE WEEK!

2009-03-16T07:22:00.000-07:00

It's been one of those days- and it's only 9:20AM- not a good sign for things to come! From being woken by kids fighting over which cereal to eat and my daughter INSISTING that I didn't wash her gym shorts- which I totally did- and our dog puking all morning, which is gross, but at least he eats it and cleans up after himself- just getting out the door was a struggle.

I dropped the kids off at school and drove away- 2 minutes later, I receive a call from my son- he wore his shorts today and they are not allowed to wear shorts (they used to be able to wear shorts year-round- apparently not anymore- yet, another new addition to the school handbook that I didn't read!)

So, I have to go home, just to go right back and bring him his pants! I walk into the school office in my jammie pants/Crocs/braless morning glory only to be presented with a detention slip for my son...and I haven't even had my coffee yet! Oh Happy Day.

It is Monday and I have to step on a scale. I must document my humiliation and shame of another crappy week filled with birthday treats, weak moments, and a 1 lb gain. My batteries in my camera are dead. It just keeps getting better.

I guess I'm lucky that the camera is dead because the blogger in me would feel obligated to show you what I look like typing this- a complete and total dork that can't concentrate with the background noise of the most ridiculous children's show ever made- Lazy Town. So I went and got my husband's headphones that he uses when he uses his riding mower (and I mock it CONSTANTLY!)

I sort of resemble this dude right now...

Frown and all.

So, if you don't mind, I'm going to pretend this KMBFBAG week and this morning never happened. I hope you have better results to share.

A Decade with a Diva

2009-03-12T09:37:00.001-07:00

She's the one my mom warned me about all of my life.

From the time she cursed me under her breath as I smuggled off my diaper and smeared my feces all over my freshly painted pink walls (I preferred purple and she should have known that!) To my entire teenage years spent grounded for talking back and rolling my eyes- FYI- the eyes NEVER got stuck in my head- HA!

If I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times- just wait until you have kids. You're going to have a daughter just like you, I know it. Pay backs are a bitch!

They certainly are.

My first child was a simple baby. Uncomplicated. He sprung into my life when I was unprepared and foolish. God had pity on me and sent me an intermediate model. I was thankful and maybe a little bit cocky. I can handle this mom stuff -no problem- bring it on!

Fast forward, four years later- the ring on my finger, the mortgage, the yearning to even out the testosterone/estrogen balance in my home, I was 1.3 children away from average and no one likes to be sub par.

She was planned- methodically- like details of a dinner party that had to be perfect. She arrived healthy and gorgeous and perfect, just as planned. But she tricked us. She had a head full of black hair, but, little did we know, it hid the devil horns so the hospital staff wouldn't catch on.

From the moment we brought our newborn home- she screamed, wailed, and cried in her soprano pitch. She knows how to make an entrance! She would not nurse- down right refused. She threw up formula. If her motor skills were more advanced, she certainly would have thrown vases- no doubt!

I brought her to the doctor, at least twice a week for the first 6 months. The MRI showed no neurological problems. Medicines didn't help (her). I wouldn't settle for the diagnosis of 'colic' until the pediatrician wrote me a prescription to get through it.

When she turned 10 months old, she started talking- a lot. I want..., give me..., no no ..., come here now... and with those words came a freedom from her little voiceless prison where she had been trapped. She could finally communicate and the tears and howling stopped.

This sweet little entertaining dimpled darling was just waiting to come out! We enjoyed becoming acquainted with her laughter and smiles, finally!

She is a true diva in every sense of the word! Expressive and theatrical- lover of anything sparkly and glittery. She is my one true hope for getting to the Academy Awards in this lifetime to cheer her on to a win.

She has a huge heart and is the most sensitive person I've ever known. As she hits the decade mark- her drama queen status sometimes borders on royal pain in the ass, but I know it's just the way of the world. She will get hers, in due time.

Happy Birthday, Addison Grace, my little melodramatic mademoiselle!

Friday Fragments

2009-03-12T08:12:00.000-07:00

Join in with Mrs. 4444's Fragment Fridays...
***I am late with my Friday Fragments because I forgot that I was babysitting my 1 yr old niece today (the one with the Sharpie addiction, but my sister said she gave up pungent permanent markers for Lent, so I was safe besides a few withdrawal willies she might have.)

I sat down at my computer with my coffee for my morning ritual and the doorbell rang. Crap. I spent the next 3 hrs trying to keep her out of my oven and clothed. Now that she can't get baked off of the fumes of Sharpies...? I guess she's quite literal- smart kid- that one!

Don't worry, the oven is not usually a play option at my house (unless a kid's bad, of course), but I am baking chocolate cheesecake cupcakes for my daughter's birthday celebration (and inevitable diet failure again this week) tonight. Every time I turned around my neice was missing another piece of clothing and trying to climb into the oven!

In related news- I'm accepting children for my new daycare- JUST KIDDING- I'd rather jump in the oven!

***Actually, I am becoming my mother. My mom is not a 'sitter' type. She's a great grandma and adores my kids, but prefers my presence and for me to take them with me when I leave- she's a firm believer in "no child left behind". I have always envied the people that have parents that would PAY YOU to watch their grand kids. I can already see that I will not be one of those grandparents. Them: Mom, can you watch the kids tonight? Me: Umm, you sure you can't find ANYONE else?

*** Daylight savings time is kicking my kids' butts. We need to leave the house by 7:30 to get to school on time. They've been waking up at 7:12 exactly. It's not working for us- I know ya'll dig the extra daylight, but I'm asking for a refund, thanks anyway.

*** Birthday season is officially over, ahhhh. My daughter turned 10 yesterday- I will post her Happy Birthday post this weekend. No more birthdays till NOVEMBER- yeah!

*** I am helping my husband brush up on his math skills for aptitude tests that he's taking-trying to get a new job. And can I just say, I am freaking brilliant. I actually did always like math- it was a fun challenge- I always saw it like a puzzle- (although I hate puzzles!) Anyway- I get them right EVERY TIME! I can't believe I still remember all of these facts! He's not letting on, but I think he thinks my genius is rockin' the sexy. He's hot for teacher!

***Through raising four kids- I'm quite confident that the phrase that I have uttered more than any other is - "what is THE ONLY thing we draw on?" Usually after I find marker or crayon on the carpet, the walls, the furniture, clothing, their skin... I received this e-mail the other day- so glad to see I am not alone... and that our dog has so much fur- they COULDN'T find his skin if they wanted to draw on it...

***Ok- I gotta go there and I'm not saying this to stir up any pots or because I have balls of steel (because that would be cold and uncomfortable and you would need one of these to match...)
but... the mama drama that is the Boobgate controversy this week in the blogosphere- did anyone catch this? Wow! Nuts! I was, and kind of still am, speechless about all the brouhaha. I wouldn't share a boob or a baby, that's just me. I remember being totally freaked out by The Hand that Rocks the Cradle when Rebecca DeMornay nursed the baby that she nannied. If that makes me an unrefined, prude, closed-minded, Western thinker, so be it. If I witnessed it, I gotta say, I probably would have blogged about it, and man, I would have been fucked. These ladies got real worked up about this. I'm looking over my shoulder as I write this.

Engorgement is the one of the worse feelings ever- I know, but I don't like attention drawn to me, so I could have an alien arm coming out of my asshole and I would ignore the pain because I just like to blend in to the crowd- nothing to see hear, folks- just a 7 fingered skinny limb hanging out of my anus. I'll just take the pain, thank you, may I have another?

What makes me sad is that there was so much hatred and defensiveness and bullying. Everyone has their opinions. If someone attacked me and a decision I made, I'd definitely be hurt, but I think I'd take it up with that person on an individual basis and work it out.

This whole scenario freaked me out and, sorry dudes, it had nothing to with boobs. I was freaked out because I could have seen me writing the same kind of thing and then getting attacked for it- it scared me. For a second, and just a second, I thought I should be more careful and start censoring myself until I get those balls of steel and matching dildo.

*** Cancer sucks donkey balls- that's a give in. Here's the embarassing (yet, grateful) part... I kind of haven't known anyone with it. My family's demise is a bird of a different feather- heart disease. I know cancer is horrid and I am overwhelmed by the strength of people that have lived with it and watched it attack their loved ones. Their stories touch me and I wonder if I could handle it.

True story that makes me look kind of bad... an old boyfriend 'friended' me on Facebook. I went to look at his pictures and saw his wife and vainly and vicsously my mind went to- eh- she's not that cute. Come to discover, she is a breast cancer survivor-something of a local celebrity for her work with rasing money for cancer research, she was diagnosed when she was 17. I am a fucking heel. Her story is pretty amazing and I'm still ashamed of myself for thinking the way I did.

As my penance, along with the hours of charity, 3 Hail Mary's, and 4 Our Father's I will be doing, I am asking you to go to Jay's and make a donation.

SUCKA

2009-03-11T18:45:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I was raised in a bubble, a poor white trash bubble with butterflies and rainbows. I always thought people were inherently good and honest, I expected it. I am naive. I am a sucker.

Like the time I signed up for an "envelope stuffing" career- it was going to be my big break. I sent off a check for $35 and waited for my start up supplies. They never came. The phone number and address on the ad were fake. I'd been had. Fuckers.

Anyway, scams piss me off. Mostly because I'm an idiot and fall for them.

Like the time I paid $34 to be registered to a Survey Pool online. I could take as many surveys as I wanted and would make money from each- anywhere from $1-$75 per survey. I went through all of the sites and didn't qualify for any surveys. Then, finally, I qualified- YAY- pass me my winnings... NO CASH FOR YOU! Your name gets put into a drawing ~~with 845,362 other pushover losers~~ for $25,000. Hook, line and sinker.

So, I've eased you in. You think I'm a moron now, just wait.

About 10 years ago, in the middle of my birthing years, I was desperate to drop lingering baby weight and as gullible as ever. I watched an informercial in the middle of the night for a revolutionary weight loss program. The claim: just minutes a day, no strenuous exercising, lose up to 14 inches the first week - I know, I'm a lazy dumb fuck, but it sounded ideal.

The broad claimed to be in her 50's and despite the fact that it was the late 90's and she looked like she still had fresh pit sweat from the Olivia Newton John's Physical video 18 years earlier, she was thin. I wasn't taking style advice from her Jane Fonda camel toe crotch, I wanted to lose weight! I was willing to take the chance that she had "the secret'- not to be confused with another completely different level of unsuspecting schmuck.

So I ordered it. I have no idea how much I paid for it. Too much, I'm sure. As you may have guessed, it didn't work. Mostly because I felt like the world's biggest ass doing it and only tried it a handful of times before my paranoia got the best of me and I was convinced there was a hidden camera following me.

When I received it, and started it, I thought it was a joke. If you have issues with incontinence or bowel control, this isn't the workout for you.

The memory of this popped into my head the other day. I hadn't thought of it since I TOTALLY bullshitted my way through selling it to a large black woman wearing a muumuu and a do-rag at my garage sale about 8 years ago. Who's the sucker now? Probably still me, because I think I sold her the 3 video set for 50 cents and I'm certain that I didn't pay less than $50!

Thanks to Ryan@ Pacing the Panic Room who tweeted this video earlier today making me an irresponsible blogger to NOT write about it since he did all the legwork. Who knew it would become a Youtube rage? Who knew there was going to be something called Youtube?

WTF Wednesday

2009-03-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

You may not be aware of this, but Supermommy @ Three Boys One Mommy and I share a brain. That's right. I start a sentence and she finishes it! So it was only right that I took these ridiculously odd pictures of my dog and put them on a blog post wondering what the hell I was going to do with them and then she starts "WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT?" WEDNESDAYS- or as I'll affectionately refer to it... WTF WEDNESDAYS.

Let sleeping dogs lie, even if they look uncomfortable or dead.

A Rambling- that I'm not sure makes any sense, doesn't have much direction, but I meant well

2009-03-10T07:28:00.000-07:00

Last week, I bitched about my internet provider and a glitch in my e-mail. I was self-congratulatory on my limited profanity during the service calls that were less than helpful.

A few hours after I posted that, I received an e-mail from the Manager of Communications with my internet provider. DOH! Me and my big mouth. Note to self: use code words and not the real businesses names, dumb ass, Tena!

He noted that he was NOT giving me a Thank You Card for not cursing too much, but I secretly think he was really proud of me- I could see it in his font! He was very kind and is trying to iron out the kinks in my e-mail situation- so go me, I think!

This got me thinking of the power of the interwebz! It can make you feel like you're a big deal, but I'm too much of a realist, and know you're just not that into me. But this place can make you a bit paranoid... like when I Twitter about liking Yo Gabba Gabba- and next thing I know, DJ Lance is 'following' me! That's some weird shit and can totally mess with your mind!

Then I worry about how far is too far? There are not too many real life people that I know that read this and, God willing, that will stay the same, so I don't have to worry about second-guessing my tourette fingers!

I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't know how to get to my blog. But just to be safe, I haven't written the post about her recent weight loss from 130- 100lbs and how my sister and I think that she's anorexic or how I wish I knew her trick to anorexia- because that would make me look bad and horribly vain and unstable- and we can't have that! Plus I'm pretty sure the trick is just NOT EATING- and food is one of my favorite things and I hardly need another thing that makes me feel like failure, damn that anorexia! Good thing I never wrote that post!

I've fallen victim to Six Degrees of Separation on my blog and on Twitter. I thought the one place I could really let loose was on other people's blog's comments, right? Now, some, you don't know how they feel about cussing or they use the word 'arse' and I know they aren't ready for my kind. But with a few, such as Tiffany, they make my explicit lyrics look like nursery rhymes. I can totally let loose- especially when she's reviewing Clitoral Stimulators!

She spoke of how the sex toy that she coined "Black Bastard" (which had no reference to it's heritage- if so, she may have gotten the" chainsaw power" she was looking for- at least that's what I hear!) took a while to get her going and how she likes to get hers as "quick as possible".

I commented:

"I'm just like that- I want it over fast- foreplay is for pussies- do your thing
so I can get back to blogging, fucking Black Bastard."

Except I misspelled 'pussies' as 'puusies' which totally took away from the dynamics, but oh well, you get the idea, I'm not a cuddler.

A couple of hours later, I get an e-mail from The Eden Fantasys dude (yep, the one that makes all the magic happen!) thanking me for my comment. He rocks and that was very cool of him to take his time out to send me a Thank You for my cursing- see internet dude- some people appreciate it!

So, it's official, I cannot escape the power of the interwebz. And I've decided to deal with it and enjoy it. Not so much that I'm linking my blog on my Facebook page because that would be social suicide- one hyphenated word: in-laws!

Anyway, I am what I am. I am what I blog. I am what I tweet. I am what I comment. No apologies. Yet.

Week 5 KMBFBAG

2009-03-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

So here I am. Sunday night. Drafting my Week 5 KMBFBAG post. Hoping that a good night's sleep will absorb a few pounds when I step on the scale tomorrow morning. I'm not holding my breath. Mostly because the air that I would retain could make me gassy and bloated and royally screw up the weigh in! But also because I fell victim to food and its healing ways after my long week.

I gotta admit, like my posts expressed, last week was BLAH! The husband was off of work for 4 days. Each kid had a fever and the phlegmy cough at some point this week. I was sent to the Principal's office. AND with all of the stress and laziness oozing from my pores- spring crept in!

Admittedly, I'm sick of winter, but I was not prepared for going from our 20 degree highs to consistent 70 degree weather! You have got to ease that kind of shit on me. I'm not a machine! I'm still in over sized sweatshirt mode. Loafing around on the couch under my blanket and watching TV mode.

This weather brings a whole lot of expectation with it. Go to the park, start warming up the BBQ pit, taking walks, working in the yard- damn over-achieving season! If I hear one more person say, "get outside and enjoy the weather", I have some extra ice melt that I will rub into their eyes- and that shit burns like hell!

Finally today, I think I made my peace with spring. I looked at the calendar- 6 weeks until Easter. The next week, my daughter's First Communion, the week after that, my son's Confirmation. What is the one thing these have in common? Besides the fact that they all have religious connotation and I'm already going to hell for breaking my lenten sacrifice when I, inadvertently, ate a roll with my salad the other night... If I don't get my ass moving, my bloated, roly poly body will be preserved- IN PICTURES- for me to despise, avoid, and find ways to crop myself out.

I've decided to embrace the mild temperatures and get active so I won't look back on this year's Easter photos like I do every year... wondering why the hell I'm shoving ham and chocolate cream pie in my mouth and in what universe did I think the outfit that I chose was flattering?? I hate me in pictures. But even more, I hate heavy me in pictures!

So, my short term- 6 week goal- is to be camera ready by April 12! It's not like I'm trying to fit into a swimsuit or run a triathlon, I just want to not resemble a 6 month pregnant woman in pictures! And now that Target is carrying a less expensive line of Spanx, I also have a backup plan!

Last week- 142

This week- 141.5- I think? I know- I need a new scale, but I really don't care about the number- it's the way the clothes fit that count!

total weight loss- 8.5lbs

Not bad for 1 very lame attempt at working out and not great on the eating for the week.

How did you do? If you joined in the first week and fell off- jump back in. Some people are having great results- it's never too late...

Friday Fragments, Finally!

2009-03-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

Better late than never, right? Here are my not- so- fragmented thoughts for the week... visit Mrs.4444 with your own fragments.

***Come back readers! I have heard crickets chirping on my blog all week! Was it something I said- or didn't say? Whatever it is, please know that my husband will soon be back to work. I am finally sitting in a quiet room without Dora in one ear and Rocky in the other! I can now resume my manic bitching and complaining... so on with the show...

***My husband goes back to work at 3PM this afternoon- I'm not sure if I will make it till then- pray for me.

*** He has been off since Monday. It has been a true test and because I like a challenge, I called Charter Cable today, my internet provider, because my e-mail has not been accepted as valid for my bank, Twitter, and Facebook messages. I think I deserve a medal for only using the words "piss", "fuck" and "shit" once and not going postal on their asses! I'm expecting a thank you card from them.

***My e-mail dilemma has been going on for about a month. It started with "invalid e-mail" messages from Twitter, then Facebook. I didn't do anything about it because I knew what a dork I would look like explaining to them that I'm not getting my DM (direct messages) sent to my e-mail from my Twitter and Facebook accounts. (I actually did call one time a couple of weeks ago and mentioned that I wasn't getting Twitter messages and she said, "mam, I don't know what that is." And I said, "It's a social network." Then she said, "you mean, like My Space?" And I was like, "NO! I'm NOT a loser! It's a, uh, networking tool for my, um, business." Then I realized I actually WAS a loser!)

Then, this morning, after gouging my eyes out from doing my online banking- I opened a message from my bank that said they, also, were unable to send messages to my e-mail account since it was invalid. Finally, a legit reason to contact the fuckheads at Charter, once again! The first 2 times- they wouldn't help me since I use my Charter e-mail through Outlook Express- what kind of crap is that???

Eventually, I pulled out the profanity, big guns and the "let me talk to you supervisor, DellaLishia!" The supervisors were actually helpful and didn't dismiss me and did some 'reconfiguring' of codes. Still. doesn't. work.

***Yesterday, I was driving to the mall, to try and get my head on straight, and my cell phone rings. I was pissed off because I was in the middle of listening to Howard Stern playing a clip of Margaret Cho talk about her sexual escapades because, apparently, she lost a bunch of weight and is a big bisexual ho-bag slut, now.

My husband: "You're not going to believe this one! The school just called."
Me: "OH GOD- what? "

The Principal says my son had been caught listening to his i-Pod in class and the teacher took it away and the songs had lude and explicit lyrics. I need to come up to school and pick up the confiscated i-Pod and we will discuss his consequences.

First, you will need to know that we moved to this school when my son was in 5th grade. Our last school, also a Catholic school, LOVED him! Never had any problems, got good grades, and the teachers and students all adored him.

The first week at our current school , he started getting "infractions". Silly stuff, if you ask me. He said "that sucks" when told they weren't going to get a recess, and basically just talking. At first, my primal instinct was to defend him since this was out of nowhere! After about 5 infractions and a detention, I was beside myself and didn't know what to think. I made arrangements to meet with the administration and the "5th grade team". One teacher, clearly, was not fond of my son and bashed him left and right. There was one teacher that couldn't fathom what problems he could be causing due to his good behavior in her class and one teacher that defended him because he was new to the school and procedures. I ended up breaking down crying during that meeting making a complete fool of myself and left with no closure, just more confusion!

I am very tough on my son. I expect a lot out of him. He does his chores, is good with his sisters (most of the time), and does his homework. He is no angel, but frankly, his biggest offense is talking back to me and sneaking corn chips up to his bedroom. He knows right from wrong and is a decent kid and a NORMAL 14 year old boy.

So, now in our 4th year here, my son has been labeled "the bad kid". He gets infractions weekly, some that the teachers admittedly give him by mistake because they blame him since he's near, but they never take them back! His grades and his confidence have suffered greatly at this school, he can't make a move without being reprimanded. I have been told by SEVERAL different people in this parish that these teachers 1.) have a problem with boys and 2.) 'mark' a few boys as scapegoats for every offense. I now believe it.

So, back to the i-Pod... I, personally, download ALL music onto his i-Pod- only the clean lyrics (the only cursing he needs to hear is from my fucking mouth, right?) We have one computer -and it's a desktop- in the family room- that I usually monopolize! If he needs it for a class project, I am only a few steps away in the main traffic area of our house.

My husband spoke to the Principal, not me, he ~~is clueless~~ does not know about the i-Pod or the computer and just assumed my son's guilt. I knew better and made a detour to the school to give them a taste of my mind. About explicit lyrics. While I'm listening to Margaret Cho talk about "ATM sex"- look it up- the irony is delicious!

I walk into the office with a swagger, pretty confident that I was right (I won't lie, there was a touch of worry and doubt, thinking he may have snuck to a computer and downloaded NWA, in which case, I would probably have cried- AGAIN!) I am buzzed in after another mom of a 'marked' boy leaves - IN TEARS- our boys have been the brunt of a lot of blame together and I really felt her pain!

I sit down at the Vice Principal's desk. He picks up the i-Pod and flips the VIDEO i-Pod towards me (my son just has a Nano)- cue gloating and HUGEMONGOUS SIGH OF RELIEF- "that is NOT my son's i-Pod!" He seemed rather confused why my son would be taking the blame for this. I explained to him our delinquent journey through this school (the VP is new to the school this year). How he has been reprimanded for "talking back" when declaring his innocence and "being a snitch " when denying part and pointing fingers at WHO actually did the offense, so now he just shuts up. I waged how the teacher PROBABLY didn't even ASK if it was his, just made an assumption (I was right). I told him he needs to look into the unfair treatment of some of the boys in the school. I was passionate and emotional and didn't curse once- I think another medal is in order!

I walked out of the office with my chest held high and could hear roar of cheering crowds in my head! When my son got home, I asked him how long he listened to this i-Pod? The boy had just leaned over and said "Listen to this" and put the ear bud in his ear and that's when the teacher caught my son! Discipline should not be played like a game of Hot Potato! My son is NOT a criminal- talk to him!

*** We St Louisans are beaming with pride today. Why, you ask? Because BusinessWeek.com has declared our city #2 on the list of America's Unhappiest Cities!

Here's how we stacked up in the standings...
Overall rank: 2
Depression rank: 13
Suicide rank: 22
Crime (property and violent) rank: 1
Divorce rate rank: 18
Cloudy days: 164
Unemployment rate (December 2008): 8.2%

I was wondering what the hell was wrong with me all week? Thank you Business Week! Now, we're even MORE depressed!!!

Life's Greatest Questions-Answered!

2009-03-04T12:48:00.000-08:00

Thanks for your diagnosis. The verdict: I need more sex, iron, vitamins, meds, booze, and a crochet afghan. I may possibly be depressed (um yeah, I think that's a go!), could benefit from the bashing of disabled that are tone deaf (that's a give in), and may have Seasonal Affective Disorder- all very true! I think I may be sick, too. Remember how I mentioned I've been trying desperately to clear my throat and hacking up a lung in the process, but never clearing my throat fully of all of the phlegmy shit, well that's still a problem, but now my 8 year old is coughing so hard she throwing up. Nice! Just another damn reason I need to leave the comfort of my blanket cocoon! So maybe I really do have something! If I can't clear this lugie soon- this may really affect my future singing career- wha? You didn't know about my singing career?

I need to get rest, but here are the answers to the questions you sent...

Jen wants to know...
-Who is your favorite contestant this season so far? Any guesses on who you think will win?

My family RELIGIOUSLY, has watched American Idol since the first tryout episode of the first season! It is the one of the very FEW things that we agree on and do together as a family without whining, bitching, moaning, and throwing things- they do argue over butter-flavored or Kettle corn, but you pick your battles- I make both even though everyone knows butter flavor is the best!

This season is a little odd because the people that seemed good in Hollywood Week- haven't done great in semi-finals. There are always sleepers that they don't showcase during Hollywood Week- I think that's done on purpose- that come out and surprise you on stage.

Of course, I like Danny, he's a good singer and has a great story, but I can already tell that I'm going to get sick of hearing that his wife died! Is that cold? Who cares. Anyway, so far this year, I haven't been blown away by too many- I have liked Alison Iraheta and Anoop Dog. Lil Rounds was good, but I think her Mary J. Blige/Fantasia thing will bore me after about 2 weeks. Jorge also impressed me with his Elton John, Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me, but let's be honest- there's only room for Marc Anthony and Enrique Iglesias, after that, they all start to sound the same . I think Adam is a good singer- he is a professional already, afterall! He is too theatrical, though, and his rendition of Satisfaction made me want to pull my fingernails off- I hated it!

I hope Ricky Braddy, Jesse Langseth, and Anoop do well and get the remaining wild card spots- I cannot, with good conscience, make a pick for a winner, yet. I take this shit seriously!

-Who is your favorite Idol contestant of all time? Elliott Yamin- his voice is like butta!

-Do you sing? If you were on Idol, what song would you perform? I do sing- not necessarily well, but on pitch. I took voice for many years, I just don't have the greatest 'tone' or 'soul' to my voice! I LOVE rocking a Karaoke, though, and I have thought about this before. I can rock out a Fiona Apple, Criminal or Shadow Boxer pretty well. My husband thinks it should be We Belong by Pat Benatar- I sang that at a seedy Karaoke bar one night and "the crowd stopped in its tracks"- I think that's an exaggeration, but oh well!

I HATE country music, but actually think my voice is better suited to sing country- I would have to consider Before He Cheats- that's a fun one (and I think may be one of 3 country songs I know!) If there was a Broadway Idol- I could kick ass with anything from Rent, Chicago, or Hairspray!

The Mom Jen wants to know...
What is the best quality you love about yourself?!

Growing up, you're told to be honest. We teach our kids to be honest. We're told that honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship. I am VERY honest. Too honest, in fact. My mom's teachings of truthfulness backfired on her and by the time I was about 15, she started preaching to me the quality of tact and how sometimes "it's better to say nothing at all." My husband often says "I wouldn't want to rob a bank with you." He's right- I would sooo turn him in. I can't lie!

So although I have been criticized for it, I'm proud of my honesty, dammit!

Three Boys One Mommy wants to know...
Why would you imply Anderson Cooper is gay when you know I love him and would leave my whole world for him!?! Why would you break my heart that way?

Because he is. Come on ladies, I love him, too, but we have to stop denying the facts and let the guy live his life in peace with his hot gay boyfriend!

Deb wants to know...
do you think michael was able to lose all the weight to save anyone from being eliminated last night? (Biggest Loser)

I want to say yes because you just gotta root for the kid, but I'm playing right into the teasing hands of NBC and they left with a clip of Bob saying "NO!" and looking disappointed, so I don't think that he did!

Just a Chic wants to know...
Where's the strangest place you've ever had sex?

It would be a toss up between an elevator in a hotel on New Year's Eve or in an old boyfriend's parent's bed- with a mirror on the ceiling! I swear to you, that boyfriend's dad bought me lingerie for Christmas- I'm pretty sure he had a camera set up in that room, too! ICK!

Case of the Blahs

2009-03-03T19:24:00.000-08:00

BLAH!

I'm not going to bore you with excuses. Not because I can't come up with them- I'm very good at that. Not that I've exhausted the PMS and 'that time of month' shit- 'cuz I haven't. I get one week of Pre-PMS- just the blahs. Then I get one week of PMS- sore boobs, water retention, bipolar skin treatments of zit cream on one spot and wrinkle cream on another and psychosis. Then I get one week of uterus lining disposing from my body causing cramps (sorry dudes- it's the truth), unusually excessive bitchiness, appetites of epic proportions, and psychosis. That leaves one week of relative normalcy. That's one small window!

Believe it or not- I am currently in my 'balanced' interval- my one week of as close to sane as I get. And something just ain't right! I don't know what it is. I don't feel sick. I don't have a fever. No headache. Unfortunately, the appetite is strong as ever.

I'm freezing my ass off and have no energy. I have been camped out under a blanket on my couch for 2 days and I cannot get warm! I don't have a Slanket or a Snuggie because those commercials are gay (unless they would like to sponsor me- in which case- gay in the good way- like Anderson Cooper or Tim Gunn). I prefer to keep my hands under my blanket. Except when I have to answer the phone which has become a colossal pain in the ass- P.S. STOP CALLING ME! AND having to take my hand out from under my blanket so the remote control will work! Which is often when I'm trying to keep up with American Idol, Real Housewives of New York, The Bastard, I mean, Bachelor, and The Biggest Loser! What's a cold ass pathetic girl with no life and a case of the blahs supposed to do?

That's what's going on with me. Do you have a diagnosis or sympathy? Do you have some suggestions of what to do? And if you suggest I work out, may I suggest you NOT say that!

While we're on the subject of suggestions- is there anything you would like to know about me? Yeah, I'm desperate here! Fodder is at a minimum until I'm admitted into the asylum or get warm- it's a toss up which will come first- then it will get good- I swear, I hope! Till then- questions? Give me something!

Lupus is way worse than my husband

2009-03-03T06:25:00.000-08:00

I've been thoroughly uninspired to write anything lately. The husband is off ALL WEEK- not vacation, just the life sucking, painstaking schedule of a policeman- must be tough, right? Well, it is for me.

That's why I was so glad to get an e-mail from Manic Mom asking if I would pimp her blog today! I didn't hesitate for a second and am glad to oblige. You see, Sheila has Lupus and my asinine husband cramping my style, pales in comparison to the painful challenges that she faces just trying to get through a day! Sometimes it takes someone to slap me across the face and say "shut the hell up and just be thankful."

Thanks, Sheila, I needed that! She always manages to leave cheerfully optimistic comments, not letting on to her discomfort and struggles.

I have known 3 people with Lupus and they have each been amazingly loving, strong, resilient moms- with the greatest attitudes! They are a testament to courage and strength and positive thinking. All women that I could learn something from.

So PLEASE go visit Sheila and spread the word!

WEEK 4- KMBFBAG

2009-03-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

I did fairly well this week with my eating. I used smaller plates and made better choices. The universe had other plans for me on Saturday with a giant chocolate birthday cake with chocolate mousse filling- DAMN YOU- COSTCO! I only had one piece, but felt like a very, very dirty fat girl- I hear some guys dig that!

I didn't have much energy or motivation to workout this week- my Aunt Flo just sucks the life out of me- that bitch! Frankly, I have no idea how I managed to get 4 workouts in, but I did, and that is my success for the week (plus the one piece of cake vs. the 18 that I normally eat.)

Why is it that I can do great with one or the other, but can never have the willpower to go 100% on the diet and the exerising at the same time? As soon as the cylinders start firing at the same time- watch out- I will be DANGEROUS, until then, I'm just going to keep inching along...

Last week- 144
This week- 142
2 more lbs
Total of 8lbs

It's not a gain, so I'll totally take it, but I'm not jumping for joy since my clothes aren't fitting any better yet.

How was your week? Is the accountability helping you? I know if it wasn't for that image of my pudgy feet on the scale bunrned into my brain- I wouldn't have ignored that cake as it was calling me name! How did you do?

Friday Fragments

2009-02-26T12:53:00.000-08:00

Time, again, for me to attempt to gather all my sporadic thoughts for the week and share with you the crazies that are in my brain everyday! You're welcome. You wanna be a giver, too? Join in with random thoughts at Mrs.4444's place.

***Fair warning, I am certain I will be driving people crazy with talk of BlogHer, if I haven't already. You have permission to glaze over during those parts, just come back when I'm done blabbing. BlogHer is a blogger's conference taking place in July in Chicago- that I am going to- it's a big deal.

My oldest kid is 14- the last trip I took without my kids and husband? NEVER! Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked to meet all of my blogger friends and big deal bloggers, and sure, maybe learn something, but let's be real- I'M GETTING A FREAKING VACATION!!! My husband has graciously agreed that I need it and that it would be good for me. I think he was fearing he may not wake up from his slumber if he did not- and that, my friends, was a legitimate, well-thought out phobia- he made the right decision.

I've been encouraged to find a sponsor. I'm not sure exactly what that means, something about the cost of the trip being less- so here goes. I think a sponsor would kind of be like my pimp. So in essence, I'm looking for a pimp. I would pretty much plaster any company's name across my boobs and sing its praises for a cheaper trip, who wouldn't? Certainly, if any proprietor is interested, contact me, because I would whore your business all over the place! FYI- I could sell the shit out of Xanax, condoms, tampons, laptops, sex toys, kitchen utensils, jewelry, wrinkle cream, shoes and chocolate- not to mention, I am also a good customer!

*** I have been that obnoxious person forcefully coughing and trying to clear my phlegmy throat INCESSANTLY for the last two months! What gives? Does this EVER go away?

***Discovery Health Channel has a show called Amazing Families. "Amazing" is subjective. Once I saw a family of 6 that decided to pack up, sell their house and live in a motor home while traveling all over the country, aimlessly. The tight quarters is one challenge, but they had to empty the poop out of their 'house' weekly- who chooses that life with 4 relatively young children??? They were not 'amazing', in my opinion, just odd. And stupid.

Last night, however, I caught an 'amazing' one... The Taylor family, had 3 kids, and then had conjoined twin girls- they shared a heart. If that wasn't enough of a struggle, when the twins were 19 mos. old, she had ANOTHER baby- OK- so maybe they were a little odd, too-glutton for punishment types, but they were a very likeable family and really dealt with their adversities well, can't say I could do the same!

*** My 20 year high school graduation date is next year. The 10 year , I thought, was kind of lame. I didn't go, but it was at a sport's complex, with beer and brats, not my idea of a class reunion! I was also 8 months pregnant so I would have been a bloated bitch on wheels around a bunch of drunk people swimming and playing beach volleyball!

I have gone to my husband's 20th and 25th class reunions (yeah, he's a bit older than me, you mathematicians) and they were awesome! Just what I think they 'should' be- formal sit down dinners, DJ or band, and lots of booze. The school I went to has closed down, so there is no official 'planning committee'. I have made the executive decision to take this on. I hope I don't regret it! I'm 75% sure that I might , but I am a planner and a control freak and I think we should have a decent class reunion, damn it!

*** I have received blog awards lately and I want to say thank you! Because I Said So, Jen at the Daily Mish Mash, Alanna Rose, Chocolate Covered Daydreams, and all the dirty men and Mariah at Hot Dads are ones that I know- If I missed one- just let me know- thank you all- it's nice to get the pats on the back. They all have different rules, but I will choose 5 things I'm addicted to (that's the easiest)...

1.) Blogging
2.) Mc Donald's Coffee
3.) cleaning
4.) BravoReality TV (I sent McMommy an e-mail recap of Real Housewives of New York the other night and just assumed she couldn't use it in her post. What do I come across today? The e-mail I sent her-my incoherent, incomplete sentences, rant about the ladies of Manhattan...if you watch the show, go read )
5.) Twitter

***Saturday is, my baby, Beebs' 4th birthday! She is super excited! We're having the family over for dinner and cake and ice cream- about 30 peeps, per usual! I don't want her to grow up- she's been the best kid! I love all of my kids... yada, yada, yada, but I feel like I've had the time and, probably the knowledge from my others, to truly enjoy every second with her! She just came to me after jamming to HollaBack Girl by Gwen Stefani and whispered, "did you hear me sing shit- it's in the song." I know it's wrong, but she cracks me up!

And, as is my blog birthday tradition, I will reveal her real name just this once...

Happy Birthday, Genevieve Reese!

Thousand Word Thursdays

2009-02-26T05:16:00.001-08:00

Join The Mom Jen with your Thousand Word Thursdays.

How hard is it, really? Rocket science? I think not! Please tell me I'm not the only one with this problem!

Ruining My Reputation as a Bad Ass

2009-02-24T09:41:00.000-08:00

Truth be known, something that I rarely like to share with people for risk of tarnishing my slacker, Beta Mom, negative, narcissistic existence... I am a kiss ass cook. (I just mistyped I am a kick ass cock- that really may have sent the wrong message!)

It's an inherent skill that I received from my mom. Also a Beta Mom in her day- my sister and I were really just in the way! We were pretty poor and my mom worked a lot. My sister and I survived on cereal, canned goods (or anything that we could prepare ourselves in the microwave), and boxed chocolate frosted Hostess donuts (still a weakness of ours!)

My mom remarried when I was about 13. A man that had more money than we had ever known existed. All of a sudden, the bills were being paid. The broken hinges were being fixed. The leaky faucet stopped dripping. And we had food! Don't get me wrong, we never starved- I'm 95% sure that us being REALLY skinny was just genetics!

That's when it happened. When we discovered that my mom could cook something other than french toast and those god-awful hamburgers that she added Lipton onion soup mix to and rolled in a ball and they kept that shape and NEVER fit on a bun (imagine golf ball on a hamburger bun), meanwhile the grease was running down our stickly little arms!

She started whipping up Pot Roasts, killer turkeys with all the fixin's, hearty vegetable soups, stuffed green peppers, and beef briskets in a rich gravy. They were all good and we were all very confused! Just more evidence to prove that the bad economy is making us fat!

Little did I know, until I was married, that this is a trade that I, too, have acquired. My kids are picky as hell and don't appreciate my cooking. My husband thinks I am the best cook (he's not picky, really likes to eat and doesn't have the highest standards, for example: his favorite childhood meal was his mom's 'spaghetti' (and I use that term lightly) consisting of canned tomato soup and American cheese and his dad's "famous" potato soup: ingredients potatoes, water and milk!!!) I guess the fact that he thinks I'm a good cook doesn't speak volumes- but I really am!

I have never used a jar of spaghetti sauce- always from scratch. Spices are my best friend in the kitchen. Don't let the fact that every 3 weeks, the only thing I cook is chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, pizza and hot dogs fool you! My husband works nights every 3 weeks so it's not worth my troubles.

Lately, in the household economic crisis crunch we've been trapped in- we have not been eating out and I've been whipping out my mad culinary skills like in the olden, pre 4 kids, honeymoon phase of life. Last night a tuna tetrazini- from scratch!

I made this Creamy Chicken Wild Rice Soup for my son's birthday and it was freaking awesome! This trough was a TRIPLE BATCH, but the single batch was much simpler! And both were completely GONE!!! Not a diet soup, by the way.

I made this turkey on Thursday and then, Friday, made a turkey noodle soup with the carcass- yum carcass soup- but it was good!

So love me or hate me for it- it's a curse! And I bake!

Tuesday's Tribute

2009-02-23T18:55:00.000-08:00

Today I tribute the people that put up with me in the blogosphere. I am a pain in the ass. Needy as can be. Everyone that reads my posts and comments just to tell me they're here or that they think I'm hot- you've made my week! If you follow me and keep coming back for more, bless your heart! I don't know how you do it sometimes! But if you do 'follow', there was a Blogger incident yesterday with 'follows', if you would like to check to see if you're still following all the people that you want to... read this- thanks Ciara for the use of your cyber brain, for the good instruction on how to check. Egos are hanging in the balance!

To bloggers that I read- I salute you for sharing your life and stories and keeping me endlessly entertained!

My Twitter friends that read my outlandish nonsensical blurbs with spelling errors galore- I salute you! How you deal with my technological ignorance is beyond me. How you allow me to butt in to your conversations without tweeting me to "mind my own damn business #painintheass!" Your patience is to be commended!

Those of you that e-mail me personally- I salute you. My e-mails and comments are substitution for chocolate these days so KEEP THEM COMING OR THINGS COULD GET UGLY!

Now everyone- go make arrangements to go to BlogHer so I can meet you all in person and I can give you your awards! Please don't expect real 'awards'- just lame symbolic shit- remember, I'm broke!

WEEK #3 KMBFAG

2009-02-22T19:55:00.001-08:00

Ok, here we are at week 3- and, as they say, it ain't a party until someone gets hurt or something gets broken! Well, I was being dragged by the wagon I fell off of this week- it was ugly. And my ego is a little broken so I think we officially have a party!

Entire packages of cookies, those fucking Keebler Elves- they are a delicious mix of sweet and salty- and they are evil- and gone- so I should be OK from here on out!

I only went to the gym 1 time this week (and that was at the beginning of the week) before the dark cloud of el depresso settled on my fat ass. I feel very guilty about not having gone to the gym this week more- damn Catholic guilt!

PMS may certainly be a culprit- and you damn well better believe that's who I'm blaming! Since, now that my husband is cool with me going to BlogHer, I kind of have to lay off of the nagging and blaming him for the shit in my life and give him more sex- thanks Sue- but I suppose, that will burn calories- so I guess it's all good.

So, I'm going to chalk this one up to just a little stumble and get right back to it this week with a smile on my face! But in the wise words of Bell Biv Devoe "never trust a big butt and a smile!"

Drum roll....
last week - 143
this week - 144

gained 1- still a total loss of 6- I'm OK with that! Now off to the gym to do my penance.
How was your week?

Sunday Thoughts Out Loud

2009-02-22T08:05:00.000-08:00

So, I don't do much blogging on the weekend. The weekends are reserved for yelling at my kids, schlepping them to sporting events, hiding evidence from my PMS sugar binge and maybe sprucing myself up with a fresh pair of underwear, socks, a swipe of deodorant- come hither this- mother fuckers!

You can imagine my surprise then, when I received this comment from Bedside Tales Man...

Hey there slacker!!!!

Just wanted to let you know that you have been nominated over at Hot Dads!!!!

http://hotdads.blogspot.com/

First off, I took total issue with the 'slacker' comment. It's a weekend and a girl needs sometime off from plucking, tweezing, exfoliating, and holding up the standard of being 'hot'- it's fucking draining and quite the cross to bear! Then I realized he was probably referring to my 'Friday Fragments' post still lingering around on Saturday night and not about my hygienically lazy weekend ways, my bad!

Then I wondered if they could pass the crack pipe, that's clearly circulating around the horny herd at Hot Dads. I'm pretty sure that crack makes profanity, lewdness, and obsessive compulsion hot! Why else would I have been nominated?

Then, I realized that Manic Mariah might have had her hand in the the nomination (and other places, since she's yet to receive her generous winnings from Brittany - a carnal clitoral stimulation toy shaped like a butterfly or a rabbit which is really borderline bestiality-but whatever- that could just be the jealousy talking!)

You see, Mariah nominated me for The Hot Blogger Calendar, too. She was drunk. And probably high. I failed miserably at that and decided to be happy with my skank status that I earned on Halloween.

So what constitutes a hot mama? I have no fucking clue! Hot Dads, please let me know! In the meantime, I'm honored to be nominated, even if it's by some hot drunk chick who wants to see my boobs!

Friday Fragments

2009-02-19T11:34:00.000-08:00

I hope that next week I will get my blogging mojo back, but in the meantime, I can always find some random crap...Join in with your random crap with Mrs.4444...

*** I messed up the diet and was too depressed to work out this week. So sue my fat ass! Monday's KMBFBAG should be fun in a humiliating kind of way. You can always join in with us- don't forget- hungry, carb lusting, stomach growling miserable bitches like company!

*** A real life friend that reads my blog (one of the few chosen ones) e-mailed me to "cheer me up" in the "my life is suckier than yours" kind of way. She and her husband struggled with infertility for 7 years. Then, with some intervention, she had a daughter who now is 4. Then she had twins who just turned 1 and they were done.

She just found out she's pregnant again- with no help- just old fashioned wild rabbit sex out of boredom because they live in a small town with nothing else to do- SURPRISE! Dude, I told you to start a blog months ago- that would have taken up your time and you wouldn't have gone and gotten knocked up again! And I'm sooo holding you to your offer to send me your leftover meds- it's not about me -we just don't want this kid to have 12 toes or anything!

*** I will soon have Blogher ads- woo hoo! If I get through all the directions, I didn't read it thoroughly yet, but I think I saw something about html, codes, firstborn and vile of blood- wish me luck. If I make any money I will tell my husband that I have to go to Blogher since I'm employed by them- it's work, right?

*** In 'breakthrough' news... my husband read my blog in length yesterday, for the first time. I'm still alive. Soon, I'm going to spring Blogher onto him... So now, I need ya'll to send me a plea (for him) of who you are and how you have better things to do with your trip to Chicago than chop me up into little pieces, hustle me for all of my NO MONEY, or try to woo me into being your bitch.

***Oscar Twitter Party is on Sunday- can't wait!!! If you wanna 'attend' go sign up with Jen. It should be highly entertaining, I might even get drunk so my tripping down the red carpet will take away attention from my backfat!

*** All of my kids were winter babies. Nov. thru March is birthdaypalooza around here! One in November, then Christmas, one in January, one in February, and one in early March. I have a hard time reprogramming my brain with their new ages until our birthday season is over. So, even though my son is technically 14 and one of my daughters is 8, I still consider them 13 and 7- until I can adjust all of the ages at once. I thought of that when I looked at the out of date ages in my sidebar. They'll change in March, so you know, like you care!

*** and in fuck, fuckity, fuck news... I received this...at 2:30 Thursday...

Dear Parents,

Due to a problem with our septic system our restrooms are unable to used. Our plumber has indicated that an expert needs to be called. They will not be able to come until tomorrow at 10 a.m. Therefore, we will not have school tomorrow. The teachers will have an in-service day. At this time, our students our using the restrooms in the church until the end of the day.

I realize that this is an inconvenience for all. Please understand that we are unable to have school in this situation.

God bless you
Peace in Christ,

So a 4 day week- turns into a 3 day week! Why, again, am I paying so much money for this school?

*** 4 kids all home today and, the brainiac that I am, I waited for Friday to do my grocery shopping! That should be fun!!!

*** On a slightly positive note, we received our MUCH NEEDED tax check in the bank this morning. It won't solve any of my financial problems, but it should buy me enough time while I'm perfecting my pole dancing skills.

Cleaning up the place

2009-02-18T20:15:00.000-08:00

I may have used up all of my cursing allowance for the week in my last post. I thought it might be appropriate to share my love of 'Unnecessary Censorship'. No matter how bad my mood- I can always count on my boyfriend (Jimmy Kimmel) to make me laugh- especially on Fridays when he does these...

ENJOY...

and Happy F****** Birthday, Tiffany!

Shout out to my peeps

2009-02-17T14:34:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a pretty low day. Your comments delivered some much needed comic relief to my day. So I decided to do a late version of Tuesday's Tribute- to my loyal readers- that I call friends! So here is my 'linky love' orgy...

I'm glad that I didn't completely freak anyone out with my big words (except maybe Tiffany- translation of yesterday's post- Tiffany style- I can't think of a fucking thing to write. My life is too fucking heavy right now. Putting on a fucking happy face makes me feel like a fucking fake ass bitch. I hope it fucking gets better. My fuck face husband doesn't appreciate me and I'm about to lose it on his fat ass. I try to act strong and just end up feeling like a fucking pussy and a loser. I want my life to be not so fucked up. If things get better I will kick ass and take names.)

I'm glad that my unstable, manic reputation precedes me and that no one left screaming(Jenni, Amy and Deb- I didn't freak you out too much, did I?) Jill and Soxy Deb, I'm so going beatnik and am going to look like this...
And I'm totally going to start smoking doobies again!

Paige, Kel, momcat and 'Bad Attitude Betty'- thanks for reminding me I'm not the only one with issues - oh, and Allison, I'll have you know I only looked up one word!

Em, Ronda, "Jo", Sue, Jen, Lee and Carebear- thanks for the sage advice of remedies towards sanity: flowers, Vitamin D and sunshine, a ~~few~~ several glasses of wine, chocolate, free stuff, Xanax, Blogher, and a hit man (oh, I added the last one for good measure.)

Mrs. Parks, Piece O'Coconut Cake and Brittney for keeping it real and reminding me what's really important in life- being skinny and pretty!

You guys are the greatest and thanks so much for coming back despite the crazed ape-shit lady!

yet untitled

2009-02-16T19:39:00.000-08:00

I feel an obligation of writing something worth reading- something observant, witty or clever. It's been an effortful endeavor, as of late. Unfortunately, I'm not finding humor in many things- nothing worth sharing that isn't discouraging. The optimism is a cloak covering an agonizing ache of an unavailing existence. I feel a sort of transgression in merriment- a phoniness. I hope it passes. I pray for a resolution.

The daunting task of familiar everyday functions has become strife. A thankless, unacknowledged, hollow entity can only persevere so long before it cracks. It's weakening.

Bids at fortitude turn futile- feeling like failure. Ordinary is bewildering. I am determined to find a dutiful direction. I will approach it with all the fervor I can muster. Until then, I will hope.

KMBFBAG-WEEK 2

2009-02-15T21:29:00.000-08:00

Stress and weight loss is a funny thing. First thing that comes to my mind... A few years ago, I ran into an old friend that had always been a bit on the heavy side. I remember before we met up, my husband mentioned that her husband had been cheating on her. When I saw her, I couldn't believe my eyes! She was sooo skinny and toned- she'd become obsessed with working out after finding out about her husband's affair. She told me that she just "couldn't eat with all the stress." I will always remember her saying that and WISHING that stress would do that to me. It doesn't. The ball of stress in the pit of my stomach is, somehow, comforted by shoving food down my throat!

I do think that under those circumstances, maybe you would really want to look hot just to make him feel the regret like the ass he is and wish he could have 'it'- (in my friend's case, they are back together and everything worked out the way she wanted.) Unfortunately, my husband is NOT having an affair, so I won't be able to test that theory. My stress is of other varieties, but if anyone wants to take my husband, I'd definitely be OK with that.

Valentine's Day lived up to my expectations- it sucked ass- we argued a lot and I didn't even get the anticipated left over box of chocolates. Which, at least, meant my only temptation were the Dove Chocolates that I bought for my kids (which I am proud to announce I only ate 2 and they were dark chocolate which is loaded with antioxidants- so it was practically like eating 2 tomatoes- QUITE the accomplishment!)

I made my husband's favorite dinner, homemade beef stroganoff (because I'm too fucking nice- that's why)

Guess which plate is mine?

Sunday, getting ready for church, I really didn't think that the pants that I could NOT button the week before were going to be an option, but I tried- and, though they were snug- they fit! So regardless of what the scale reads, that's a victory to me!

I went to the gym 4 times this week (the only day I didn't, was when I was sick), ate smaller portions of foods, NO TREATS (which is totally killing me, by the way) and did a DVD workout on Saturday in my Valentine's rage. It is a great workout that I've used for years (Debbie Sieber's Slim in Six that I paid a small fortune for during a weak insomniac night off of an informercial). I am still sore from that workout and think I might try to start incorporating it into everyday- I really like the way that it kills me- no pain -no gain, right?

Last week 147lbs----------- This week...

143lbs!
4 more lbs lost
total of 7 lbs
Yay me!

This next week's goal- to get into Red Carpet shape by Sunday for my correspondent duties (it's only online- so I don't even have to wear pants, actually, but I can pretend). Join us for the Oscar Twitter Party- Jen from Daily Mish Mash's marvelous brainchild of tweeting the Oscar Red Carpet.

How was your week? It's never too late to join in- if you want to keep track of your progress with us and get some cheerleading along the way...

Friday Fragments

2009-02-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a really shitty day- I take that back- it's been a pretty shitty week- as evidenced by my lame and inebriated attempts at posting.

This is precisely what my head looked like this week! Get one of your own from Wordle- they're pretty cool. It's an artistic rendering of the words on your blog. Notice (I know it's really small, but take my word...)that the 'NyQuil' is very big on the left side and the word 'accountability' is very teeny on the bottom- yep, I think that's about right!

So I will attempt to purge out all of my anxieties in a nice little package Mrs.4444 likes to call Friday Fragments...

*** I have never had a desire to be a teacher- I just know I don't have it in me- the patience, the understanding, the accountability (there's that damn word again!)- and what not- but yesterday's quiz has reaffirmed that! Ya'll didn't do so hot- and I feel like the failure! Have I taught you people nothing? If you haven't taken it yet... skip to the next- I'm giving a cheat sheet...the answers: Random and honest, Murphy, c*** rhymes with blunt, I'm not good with rules and don't enter contests, Hillary Clinton, Christmas, a gay husband, housekeeping, Nell Carter and Sarcastic Mom.

*** NyQuilapalooza has ended, at least for me. My 14 yr. old son now has the same thing I had and has been 'sleeping it off', with the help of the good stuff (not really, the good stuff is gone, I went and bought the generic for him, which I'm sure is just fine at half the price.)

*** I have been really anxious this week- I guess a diet of caffeine, acetaminophen, and dextromethorphan might do that to you. I have drafted about 14 posts- each with one sentence- before I realized it was crap and moved on. Usually to the loving open arms of Twitter- that's where I go when anxiety and tremors get too much and my attention span isn't long enough to complete a full sentence. I'm feeling a case of Joaquin Phoenix coming on...

*** I thought my dog was house-trained, but he has recently decided that the 'go to' place to take a shit is my bedroom! So as soon as I hear him running up the steps, I run after him screaming, "NO MURPHY- OUTSIDE!!!" I have been catching him in mid bowel and am able to get him outside- before it drops- so. fucking.gross!

*** Deb at Dirty Socks and Pizza is doing First Post Friday today- such a great idea! When I go to a blog I always try to go back and find that person's first post. Many are very good- mine was kind of a pathetic overview of who I was and what I planned to do. It takes me a while to get warmed up.

*** I need a job ASAP! Preferably one with benefits, great hours, and a Blackberry. Or maybe just one that pays. Anyone?

*** I don't like Valentine's day. If you like Valentines Day, just skip this- it is an anti-Valentine rant... My husband doesn't have a romantic bone in his body (nope, not even that one!) and, frankly, I don't have the energy for that bullshit right now. I will accept the annual half eaten box of his favorite chocolates that he will give me, knowing full well that I am on a diet. Then I will complain about how he doesn't know me, doesn't care to know what I like and ask when was the last time he did something for me? Then I will listen to how he "works so hard and brings home a paycheck" and what the hell do I do, except sit at the computer all day talking to my 'pretend friends' ... yeah, merry fucking valentines, cupid!

*** Speaking of Valentine's Day, have you ever known anyone that said Valentimes -over the age of 8? I do, and I swear, it's like nails down a chalkboard, she's 38 and also says supposebly and irregardless, clearly not the brightest crayon in the box! I'm related to her by marriage and that's all I'm saying!

*** I would like to go to Blogher. I don't even have Blogher ads, but I think it would be a kick ass time, but I would sooo have to lie to my husband about where I was going- he would definitely not be cool with meeting a bunch of my 'pretend friends' from the computer- he'd use words like 'pedophile', 'lesbian lover', 'predator', and 'body bag'- so, my question to you... whoever is going- how do you explain this weird phenomenon that is blogging to someone that doesn't get it so they would be OK with a weekend trip?

*** I have been asked to 'review' one product on my blog. They were glasses, WTF? I don't get it? I mean I really don't get it. Tiff and Soxy Deb have been busy 'reviewing products'- you know- the kind of products you 'review' when your husband is working late or sleeping on the couch and you just watched The Notebook. How do I get that gig?

*** I am going to have a Valentine's weekend filled with 'reviewing products' and will see you all for weigh-in on Monday! Hopefully the Dove's chocolates I bought for ~~myself~~ my kids won't show up on the scale! Shhh.